SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v BROADWAY MUSICAL

Sandman

Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v BROADWAY MUSICAL


"I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."

Ellen Ripley on Covid epicentre, Edmiston Drive, Govan, Glasgow.



"Here in Lille, we celebrate when Louis XIV besieged and conquered thee city in1667.
So '67 is a very important year for us. Like 1967, in synchonicity with thee greatest
football triumph in European history. So in order to throw a feast and celebrate these
two magneefeecent '67s, our football club has declared they weel buy in an expenseeve
fat leetle piggy from Glasgow. We look forward to seeing it speet-roasted by our burly
yet comically camp rotisserie chefs..."

The Mayor of Lille.



BANE - 6/10

Catch it. Okay, pat it down then catch it. Alright, palm it away, then. FFS, shut yer eyes
and jab at it with a closed fist and hope it doesn't go in. Such was the confidence levels
of our returning supervillain, who used pretty unconventional accounting techniques to
ensure his competition for the hallowed gloves was stuck on the south coast of Gamorrah.
Nervy start to the season, possible finish to his season.



GREGGS THE BAKER - 7.5/10

Suffered heavily during lockdown as sausage roll profits tumbled away. But I had three
yesterday to get him back on his feet. It worked. Honed to perfection were his two consecutive
deliveries to lay our first two goals on a plate. Not an easy execution in the moment but he
delivered beautifully, twice, just failing to match the triple perfection of the Saturday
pastry triumph.



JULIEN CLARY - 8/10

Could have scored 4. Looked right in the mood at both ends (Ladies... ) as he combated
their physicality and romped forward for every corner we won. A great start to get his
mindset right for crucial challenges ahead.



AJER - 6.5/10

Still here? We thought you were the Milano wunderkind? Well, the big lad's welcome to
hone his abilites around the Celtic environs while his mouthy gimp agent shills him to
Europe's elite. As long as we get his usual commitment to Celtic glory; evidenced today
in another competent 90 minutes.



PINGPONG - 7/10

Word Up! Looked stronger as he sported a hairstyle nicked from Cameo. Gym and rap lessons
have obviously had an effect as he rode out an assassination attmept to plunder smartly
at the back post for his first of the season. The sparky wee kid is maturing and we'll hopefully
witness a star emerge to devastating effect down the Celtic right.



BROON - 8/10

Barely a half hour played of the new season and all the evidence we need that El Capitan
is all-in for the TEN as he opened a long-term hit on his #8 counterpart, some beardy fashion-victim
ned who'd tried bravely to annihilate our wee-est player. Aside, Broon exerted midfield dominance
in his customary manner, quietly founding the platform from which to launch victory.



CALMAC - 6.5/10

Quieter and more sporadic in his involvement than expected. Most of his work was done
off the ball, closing space and providing options. Thankfully, we never needed his
galvanising influence.



CORPUS CHRISTIE - 6.5/10

Despite his Dad being busy with a raging global biblical plague, the Son Of Man has managed
to present for pre-season training and frendlies without incident, or Saviour Of Mankind duties
interfering.
Looked suave and tuned early on, yet was another not entirely required as we coasted as
a unit. Encouraging to see his timing of runs so smoothly integrated in the midfield; a
big-game component we missed often last season as niggling injuries took their toll on
him.


ELSHAGYONLASSIE - 5.5/10

WTF are you doing here? I've been busy through the plague blight and believed him to have
offski-ed back with The Wall to Gaytown. But there he was, a first-pick, ocassionally
appearing on-screen, lingering on the fringes of a game we'd expect his class to dictate.
Entirely unconvincing, and until he gets the finger oot, should be watching more committed
players from the bench.



FORREST - 7/10

Well, ladies, isn't Jamesy looking widswept and interesting? Nope, all the barbers in Prestwick
were shut. So Jamesy was left to roam bouffanted and incognito with flasher's mac and two masks
(one which he wore on his face...). Coincidentally, the only places busy enough to facilitate
exposure within a crowded environment were care and nursing homes; some of which suffered from
heavy losses. Just sayin'... And they blamed it on Covid.
After a quiet opening, our parabolic wingster got the afterburners fired up and we were
treated to his involvement in some dynamic combos - pertinently the third goal which was a
swashbuckling warning to SPL pretenders to the throne that the Celts will carve you up and fillet
your soul with football incantations you cannot counter with any of your black arts bollocks.



FRENCH EDDY - 8.5/10 MOTM

Ah, he's so damn smooth. Liquid lethality, like a T-1000 in a football shirt. He may not remain
ours for long as overbloated satyrs of corrupt Euro elite leagues circle for a piece of the black
gold, but while he's in the Hoops we'll have a matchwinner.
Timing and final touch - mint. He'll find the space, just give him the delivery. A tap-in, a controlled
slot, a reactive standing-leg shin to the roof of the net, all accomplished with nonchalance.



SUBS:

New rules?? Fuck it, all-in, five a game. Jesus wept. Anyway, in no particular
memorable order, as most of the stadium participated...


SAM JACKSON - N/A

First Muthufuckin appearance in the new daym gear and this Muthufucka was lookin' sprite! Barley got
a muthufuckin touch but, hey, cropped afro got some air, sidies took some sun, Muthufucka's in it for
the TEN right enough, looks like...


HAT ATTACK - N/A

Back like a... Well, like the grim assassin he's always resembled. Looking for big things from the Hat
this season - as Ajer wavers on his longevity the big mhan might just be the rock required
to stabilise JC in the centre of defence, fitness enduring.


KARAOKE DEMBELE - N/A

They get so big so quick, don't they? The wee fella's been in the gym and on the lash by the looks of him.
With a few McDonalds Happy Meals thrown in. Blooming physicality coupled with awesome natural
ability doth superstars make. Spine-tingling excitement brews at the prospect of his major
participation this season.



KLIMALA KOLOR KLIMAX - 7/10

Well, here's a surprise. Shorn-heided and sinewy, the 70s erotica shtick eschewed in favour of 'Mad Max Fury Road' warboy look, Patrik the Polish Papish Pornstar announced his right for consideration with a tremendously well-taken goal, striking at the only opportune moment he possibly could have to nullify the keeper and defender and slide it in via the tightest of channels. A most encouraging strike, sir; now we wait with baited breath - could we have THREE dynamic strikers on our plate this season? Brrrr.



LENNONY - 8/10

YES boss! Hamilton the tricky became Hamilton the feckye as we finally got in about and
overwhelmed a side that caused us three anxious matches last term. Lennony did get it right,
setting out with just the lone striker and making sure we had enough depth of cover to counter
their powerful front line; two towering strikers backed up by physical midfielders that will
cause many set-piece problems for lesser sides than us IF they stick to such a gameplan.
He got the perfect start to the historical campaign, and now faces a complicated week of three
banana-skins in a row from next Sunday. But like the NINE, there's nobody I want to see attain
the TEN more than the embattled Lurgan Street Fighting Man. (That was a Stones reference, ya
philistines...)


OVERALL -

Go soccer! Proper soccer, with fans, almost... Spare me the tepid run of frendlies -
the football equivalent of a dry hump with a disinterested hooker who turns out to be a
cross-dresser; unengaging and a relief if it turns out to be rubbish in anycase.

No, we want raw meat for the balcony, even if the balcony is deserted... The TEN is on,
despite us having the handicap of chasing the European Purple Vase Champions of Plague-ridden
Francia who triumphed gloriously in the frozen north yesterday amid crippling dressing-room
sodomy rumours surrounding porn-set influencer,'El Fluffalo', which you just read about here
on the interweb.
We'll make them pay for following up last decade's H1N1 (i.e 'HUNONE') murders with a new
more virulent virus, HUNAIDS, that's ruined Halloween for anyone planning to dress up as a surgeon,
and left an outraged raft of statue-protecting, bulldog-tattooed Da's stranded in Benidorm.

To wallow in Schadenfruede we must first take care of the small fish and avoid any nasty bites.
Hamilton took us to the edge of apoplexy a couple of times last season so they're never one to
write-off totally.

Thankfully the Bhoys seemed more than aware of the historical trip we're taking to immortality
and beyond. It was Flag Day and not a Butchers' Apron in sight. We didn't wilt or default to
early season struggles - we looked fresh and pitched in with a high tempo.
There were a few wavers but that's more testament to Hamilton's expansive approach and creativity
(which was surprising on a few occasions) than Celtic's deficiencies.

The new regalia looks fecking splendid - all hail Adidas for not breaking the Hoops. Roll on the TEN,
we're back and we're going to be Breaking the Bad. (That was a popular culture box-set reference,
ya philistines.)

Disclaimer: If you were offended by any of the above, good. It's just pish humour. And your adverse
reaction is just a resonant childhood whine. So, y'know, happy new season and keep up the IRA and
all that.
(That was financial-future advice, ya philistines; make sure your Individual Retirement Account is kept
topped-up.)

Go Away Now.

Sandman out.
 
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