SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS - CELTIC v UNITED ARAB DEGENERATES

Sandman

Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS - CELTIC v UNITED ARAB DEGENERATES


"Expectation is the mother of all frustration."

- Antonio Banderas. Speaking on behalf of the Celtic support.




ROXIE - 7/10

Captain, my Captain... She likes it dramatic so everyone
stood on desks and benches when Ange handed over the
armband. Dramatic indeed on the park too as orders were
barked and risks taken and total calamity avoided with
another great save. Oh, the irony - our most questioned
signing being the one most reliable in this jittery,
transitory period.



TONY THE TIGER - 5.5/10

Serial-Killer intensity and medieval monk self-flagellation
as he admonished himself for losing the tackle that led to
their goal. He gave all-in 100% depsite being rattled, and
won't leave the pitch until beaten or dead. A draw means
nothing to Tony - he's still out there, charging up and
down, grinding his teeth to bloody stumps seeking a winner.




JURAN JURAN - N/A

Casting envious eyes across our box at the right-back
position, he nevertheless got on with it. Then, appalled
by our defensive frailties, collapsed to the turf with
Soren Kierkegaard-level existential angst, never to be
seen again.



STAR LORD - 5.5/10

Spent half-time sat in the corner of the dressing room
mumbling away with a crayon, changing 'Dafabet' on the
front of his shirt to, 'Fuck's sake don't pass to me'.

Appeared to be the victim of a first-half prank by Oz
and Roxie to see if they could make him soil himself.
They came close. For all of us. Thankfully, Star Lord
escaped with the aid of his invisible talking Racoon,
though he might heed its advice to 'hoof it' occasionally,
be less powder-puff and more thorough with the basics.

Stood up well to their late breaks, timed interceptions
and made one fine saving tackle. Needs, however, to
sort out man-marking/picking up runners with Get Cater...




GET CARTER - 5.5/10

Sloppy at times, and given a test of awareness when
United broke with intent. Absent like Star Lord for
their goal; doesn't sit comfortably with him when
we're stretched because he prefers to be the
ball-winning beast of the central pairing. I'm
thinking a fit Julien Clary may be a more suitable
compliment to him.



MCCARTHYISM - 5.5/10

That's what we call a RED CARD. Remember, Clancy?
Your wee effette Tory MP unionist politico pal
likes to shout that when orgasming. Straight leg,
studs up, right through McCarthyism's knee. Don't
think the United fella meant it with malice but it
was a bad one. And ended his game, effectively.

He was decent enough for his time on the park, if
not really the low-energy engine we require.
Two-and-a-half games in a row before succumbing to
injury, extended his personal best.



EDDIE TURNBULL - 6/10

Looked deadly and sharp through the opening period,
thumped a beauty off the frame, cut them open...
Then after the break his age caught up with him and
he dithered, doddered, wandered about forgetting
where he was, powder-puffed his deliveries and we
let them off the hook as our matchwinning ball-playing
midfield duo remained out of synch.




ROGIC - 6.5/10

And it's vice-versa time: Oz out of sorts first-half,
delightfully fluid second-half, nearly the matchwinner,
finding space, his touch, and influence. Lit up the
place when he got on the ball running at them.

Couldn't believe that header came back off the bar to
him; like a fucking traitorous boomerang, mayte.



ABADASS - 6.5/10

The wee mhan with the big heid... A third headed goal
for the Israeli whippet as he executes that drift-in
from the right to perfection.

Sadly his effectiveness took a knock with his hip under
a card-worthy challenge from their keeper, and we lost
his mobility and threat for the final hair-pulling
ten minutes.



NOTEBOOK - 7.5/10 MOTM

The mhan who can... Almost. Agonizing near things for
the livewire Whamster who was our most potent force.
They tried to stifle him second-half after a rip-roaring
first, but he escaped the shackles late on, coming close
to taking the points. On days like this he's definitely
A Ray Of Sunshine.



THE YETI SEBO - 3/10

You think you're in the Matrix? The glitch surrounding
the Yeti will convince you - physics-defying feats to
blow the win, and a cunning disappearing act for most
of the second 45. Yet(i) to convince anyone he's got the
class for that jersey, still looks cumbersome and blunt
despite his increased effort. Abominable day.




SUBS:

FIELD MARSHALL - 5.5/10

Well, the kid got on early and buzzed around, but aside
from one exciting run late in the game he was affected
by the inherent carelessness that plagued us.



MAN OF - 6/10

Well, the contrast when he emerged for the second half
was immediately evident in that there was more zip and
dynamism about the middle. He's willing to shift the ball
forward quicker, but gets too involved in stupid fouls.
Habitually aggressive, and that can be good thing if
controlled properly. But today it was more helpful to
them running down the clock. Playing him beside Calmac
and with one of Oz/EddieT may be an answer as less
responsibility may refine his overall game.





ANITA DOBSON - 6/10

Okay, so his luck has deserted him. No new manager
wants to see a clutch of essential players injured for
weeks on end. But there's still a creeping reluctance
about Ange to make telling changes during games. Oz
and Eddie T are one and the same, and if they're not
firing in tandem then both of them on the park presents
one liability. Better two engine-room workers and one
ball-player to exploit space higher. Or even two strikers
down the middle and one winger...

We could go on. And on... Facts are that his hands are
tied and options limited currently. His tactics are
reverting to stoicism out of fear as the fit squad shrinks
and his dynamic ambitions are regulated out of necessity.

Two new main strikers out, captain and midfield general
out, proven Hunskelping centre-back out, full-backs out,
and a couple of ballboys hobbling down the tunnel.

Doubt Ange could have envisaged such misfortune in his
most negative projections. Can't condemn the man until
the playing field's level.



MIBBERY - 5/10

Clancy. Detests the colour clash of red against tangerine
so McCarthyism's assassin escaped the obvious. As did their
Kung-Fu keeper. Yet he somehow rejected the goat-winning
Penalty At Parkheid moment, but managed to break up our
late momentum with some classic wtf-ery niggling non-fouls,
aided and abetted by standside flag-gimp. All-in: Hmm...



OVERALL - 6/10

Well, now you know what it's like to be married to Tom Cruise.
Frustration levels hit heights of ragin' to shame a Hun janny
in a seminary school as the ball hit the woodwork, and kept
hitting it...

If we're blaming anyone let's roast the groundstaff for not
raising the height of the crossbars, the shiftless bastards.

Often Celtic were slack with passing and there was a sloppiness
around moves that foretold the inevitable breakdown at some
point due to a poorly-weighted pass or miscommunication.

We just couldn't put it all together at one time, exemplified
by Oz and Eddie T playing well in a half each, at different times
- one first half, the other second - when just one decent half
with both of them on the same wavelength would have been enough
to bury United.

Can they play together? Maybe the question is better framed as
'should' they play together? Can we afford the luxury of them
misfiring? Not today, we couldn't.

Two points dropped against a capable United side leaves us
drifting with tough away league games imminent. There's
the small matter of a streamlined German outfit on Thursday
to keep your nights sleepless, but at least we'll get to roast
PingPong, the wee dick.

Everyone's mind is now on the treatment table as we await the
return of half a team. If only someone in a position of power
and influence at Celtic could have, y'know, factored such
a scenario into the season's business model and taken action
in the transfer market accordingly, then we'd be speaking in
awed terms of the excessive competence shown in the stewardship
of the club.

But this is Celtic, and tradition harking back to the Keystone
Kellys board of the pre-McCann era dictates that Celtic should
always follow the contrarian model to the common sense one.
Ergo, the business plan section dealing with Black Swan Events
Hardship Possibilities simply reads four words:
'Ach, it'll be fine...'



Go Away Now.

Sandman
 
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS - CELTIC v UNITED ARAB DEGENERATES


"Expectation is the mother of all frustration."

- Antonio Banderas. Speaking on behalf of the Celtic support.




ROXIE - 7/10

Captain, my Captain... She likes it dramatic so everyone
stood on desks and benches when Ange handed over the
armband. Dramatic indeed on the park too as orders were
barked and risks taken and total calamity avoided with
another great save. Oh, the irony - our most questioned
signing being the one most reliable in this jittery,
transitory period.



TONY THE TIGER - 5.5/10

Serial-Killer intensity and medieval monk self-flagellation
as he admonished himself for losing the tackle that led to
their goal. He gave all-in 100% depsite being rattled, and
won't leave the pitch until beaten or dead. A draw means
nothing to Tony - he's still out there, charging up and
down, grinding his teeth to bloody stumps seeking a winner.




JURAN JURAN - N/A

Casting envious eyes across our box at the right-back
position, he nevertheless got on with it. Then, appalled
by our defensive frailties, collapsed to the turf with
Soren Kierkegaard-level existential angst, never to be
seen again.



STAR LORD - 5.5/10

Spent half-time sat in the corner of the dressing room
mumbling away with a crayon, changing 'Dafabet' on the
front of his shirt to, 'Fuck's sake don't pass to me'.

Appeared to be the victim of a first-half prank by Oz
and Roxie to see if they could make him soil himself.
They came close. For all of us. Thankfully, Star Lord
escaped with the aid of his invisible talking Racoon,
though he might heed its advice to 'hoof it' occasionally,
be less powder-puff and more thorough with the basics.

Stood up well to their late breaks, timed interceptions
and made one fine saving tackle. Needs, however, to
sort out man-marking/picking up runners with Get Cater...




GET CARTER - 5.5/10

Sloppy at times, and given a test of awareness when
United broke with intent. Absent like Star Lord for
their goal; doesn't sit comfortably with him when
we're stretched because he prefers to be the
ball-winning beast of the central pairing. I'm
thinking a fit Julien Clary may be a more suitable
compliment to him.



MCCARTHYISM - 5.5/10

That's what we call a RED CARD. Remember, Clancy?
Your wee effette Tory MP unionist politico pal
likes to shout that when orgasming. Straight leg,
studs up, right through McCarthyism's knee. Don't
think the United fella meant it with malice but it
was a bad one. And ended his game, effectively.

He was decent enough for his time on the park, if
not really the low-energy engine we require.
Two-and-a-half games in a row before succumbing to
injury, extended his personal best.



EDDIE TURNBULL - 6/10

Looked deadly and sharp through the opening period,
thumped a beauty off the frame, cut them open...
Then after the break his age caught up with him and
he dithered, doddered, wandered about forgetting
where he was, powder-puffed his deliveries and we
let them off the hook as our matchwinning ball-playing
midfield duo remained out of synch.




ROGIC - 6.5/10

And it's vice-versa time: Oz out of sorts first-half,
delightfully fluid second-half, nearly the matchwinner,
finding space, his touch, and influence. Lit up the
place when he got on the ball running at them.

Couldn't believe that header came back off the bar to
him; like a fucking traitorous boomerang, mayte.



ABADASS - 6.5/10

The wee mhan with the big heid... A third headed goal
for the Israeli whippet as he executes that drift-in
from the right to perfection.

Sadly his effectiveness took a knock with his hip under
a card-worthy challenge from their keeper, and we lost
his mobility and threat for the final hair-pulling
ten minutes.



NOTEBOOK - 7.5/10 MOTM

The mhan who can... Almost. Agonizing near things for
the livewire Whamster who was our most potent force.
They tried to stifle him second-half after a rip-roaring
first, but he escaped the shackles late on, coming close
to taking the points. On days like this he's definitely
A Ray Of Sunshine.



THE YETI SEBO - 3/10

You think you're in the Matrix? The glitch surrounding
the Yeti will convince you - physics-defying feats to
blow the win, and a cunning disappearing act for most
of the second 45. Yet(i) to convince anyone he's got the
class for that jersey, still looks cumbersome and blunt
despite his increased effort. Abominable day.




SUBS:

FIELD MARSHALL - 5.5/10

Well, the kid got on early and buzzed around, but aside
from one exciting run late in the game he was affected
by the inherent carelessness that plagued us.



MAN OF - 6/10

Well, the contrast when he emerged for the second half
was immediately evident in that there was more zip and
dynamism about the middle. He's willing to shift the ball
forward quicker, but gets too involved in stupid fouls.
Habitually aggressive, and that can be good thing if
controlled properly. But today it was more helpful to
them running down the clock. Playing him beside Calmac
and with one of Oz/EddieT may be an answer as less
responsibility may refine his overall game.





ANITA DOBSON - 6/10

Okay, so his luck has deserted him. No new manager
wants to see a clutch of essential players injured for
weeks on end. But there's still a creeping reluctance
about Ange to make telling changes during games. Oz
and Eddie T are one and the same, and if they're not
firing in tandem then both of them on the park presents
one liability. Better two engine-room workers and one
ball-player to exploit space higher. Or even two strikers
down the middle and one winger...

We could go on. And on... Facts are that his hands are
tied and options limited currently. His tactics are
reverting to stoicism out of fear as the fit squad shrinks
and his dynamic ambitions are regulated out of necessity.

Two new main strikers out, captain and midfield general
out, proven Hunskelping centre-back out, full-backs out,
and a couple of ballboys hobbling down the tunnel.

Doubt Ange could have envisaged such misfortune in his
most negative projections. Can't condemn the man until
the playing field's level.



MIBBERY - 5/10

Clancy. Detests the colour clash of red against tangerine
so McCarthyism's assassin escaped the obvious. As did their
Kung-Fu keeper. Yet he somehow rejected the goat-winning
Penalty At Parkheid moment, but managed to break up our
late momentum with some classic wtf-ery niggling non-fouls,
aided and abetted by standside flag-gimp. All-in: Hmm...



OVERALL - 6/10

Well, now you know what it's like to be married to Tom Cruise.
Frustration levels hit heights of ragin' to shame a Hun janny
in a seminary school as the ball hit the woodwork, and kept
hitting it...

If we're blaming anyone let's roast the groundstaff for not
raising the height of the crossbars, the shiftless bastards.

Often Celtic were slack with passing and there was a sloppiness
around moves that foretold the inevitable breakdown at some
point due to a poorly-weighted pass or miscommunication.

We just couldn't put it all together at one time, exemplified
by Oz and Eddie T playing well in a half each, at different times
- one first half, the other second - when just one decent half
with both of them on the same wavelength would have been enough
to bury United.

Can they play together? Maybe the question is better framed as
'should' they play together? Can we afford the luxury of them
misfiring? Not today, we couldn't.

Two points dropped against a capable United side leaves us
drifting with tough away league games imminent. There's
the small matter of a streamlined German outfit on Thursday
to keep your nights sleepless, but at least we'll get to roast
PingPong, the wee dick.

Everyone's mind is now on the treatment table as we await the
return of half a team. If only someone in a position of power
and influence at Celtic could have, y'know, factored such
a scenario into the season's business model and taken action
in the transfer market accordingly, then we'd be speaking in
awed terms of the excessive competence shown in the stewardship
of the club.

But this is Celtic, and tradition harking back to the Keystone
Kellys board of the pre-McCann era dictates that Celtic should
always follow the contrarian model to the common sense one.
Ergo, the business plan section dealing with Black Swan Events
Hardship Possibilities simply reads four words:
'Ach, it'll be fine...'



Go Away Now.

Sandman
Superb!!invicable talkin racoon😂😂😂😂
 
Oh for a Fergus McCann to come and show this board the way to run a club as a football club and not a hobby or a toy for them to mess about with and line their pockets with our money
 
How many roads must a hoop wearing man walk down.
before you can CALL call him a Celt?
The answer my friend
is THE SHIRT DOESNT SHRINK TO FIT.

Not good enough, with the exception of Jota.
Poor away, now poor at home too.
We were founded to help the poor
but this isn't what they meant.
 
I can't see there's any difference between Fergus McCann and Dermot Desmond, both have reportedly taken huge sums from the club whilst penny pinching on the playing side.

The fact many are writing the season off in September, rightly or wrongly, says everything you need to know about the direction we're heading.
 
I'm sure Kyogo would have made a huge difference on Sunday. We need to get more goalscorers in January, can't rely on Ajeti he's had his chance and blew it big time. My real concern is Ange. I think he needs to drop his way of playing against certain opposition. Dundee United played nice football against us defended well and in attack were a threat.We are far to open when we attack we must adjust and quickly if we want to get up the table.
 
I can't see there's any difference between Fergus McCann and Dermot Desmond, both have reportedly taken huge sums from the club whilst penny pinching on the playing side.

The fact many are writing the season off in September, rightly or wrongly, says everything you need to know about the direction we're heading.
The only thing The Bunnet can be accused of is keeping his word. Oh, and keeping Celtic alive. Everything he said he would do, he achieved. You're correct when you say there's no huge difference between him and DD in terms of what drives them. They are both very astute businessmen. Unfortunately, at least to a common Joe Bloggs like me, there seems to be a conflict between the emotional side of running a club like Celtic and the hard-headed decisions needed to keep the club financially viable.
 
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