Anyone got a funny story/joke?

[The Deadner]

Two shit jokes for yis.........

 

[Noah Billy]

Hear about the constipated Spaniard?



He couldn't passadoble

 

[Digger]

Yes last night my Wife got her revenge for all the times I took Her to Wembley to watch Scotland v England,went to watch England Women play Spain,to make matters worse they won which is more than I could say about the match,s went to see at Wembley,you would think she would have taken pity on a old man after 50 years of marriage, but no still remember Banockburn I do and don't let her forget it

 

[seven past niven]

an owner of a large jam manufacturing company died and the note on his coffin read to to gain acces pierce with a pin and prise open

 

[tictastic]

Somebody asked me if I'd ever join the "Mile high club"
I said I couldn't give a flying fuck

 

[tictastic]

I asked my wife to dress as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,
"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,
"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

 

[tictastic]

You get three rings in marriage
Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering

 

[Thai Tommy]

Son goes to Dad and asks. What is the difference between potential and reality. Dad says go ask your mum if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars, go ask your sister if she would do same with Brad Pitt. Get their answers and come back to me. Off he goes. Ten minutes later he is back.
Dad... Potentially we are sat on a couple of million dollars, but in reality, we are living with a pair of scrubbers

 

[Thai Tommy]

Two mates in a pub, one says I have never had a "Blowjob".
Mate says you need admit the old willie disnae look ad good as a pussy, so you need snazz it up, make it look tasty. Get ten pineapple rings cover with cream. STOP, i am only a 4 pineapple ring man. Okay get sliced strawberries and a cherry.
Next week.....
Well you get a BJ, nope, you do the rings, yep had onion rings, wafers and Thousand Island dressing.
She not like........ Nah
It looked that good I had it myself.
Cue laughter.

 

[Thai Tommy]

Horse goes into a bar, barman says "Why the long face"

 

[Thai Tommy]

Regards the pineapple ring joke, most Celtic guys are between 4-6, been told sevco fans are 17. But they are paper cut-outs.
Cue deep bohominie laughter

 

[tictastic]

A guy asks his grandmother...
"Granny, have you seen my pills, they're marked LSD". Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

 

[The Deadner]

Wee Johnny is in primary school and they're learning how to put words into sentences.
Teacher.... Can anyone give me a sentence with the word contagious in it.
Wee Peter puts his hand up " I had the flu last year and the doctor said it was contagious".
Well done Peter said the teacher.
Wee Joe puts his hand up " if I have the cold I'm better staying off school, because it is contagious and I could pass it on to the other boys and girls".
Very good Joe said the teacher.
Meanwhile wee Johnny is struggling to come up with something, but eventually he puts his hand up.
Yes Johnny, said the teacher.
" my daddy says he's not sending my older brother Kevin to the shop for fags anymore. The last time he sent him, it took the cunt ages"!

 

[JimMc]

Oldest brother talking to his youngest grandkid aged 7 about school and how they were discussing planets, so he said to ask Teacher.
"Is Uranus big and is it gassy"
and the wee fella did, his Mother was told of the comedian and not so impressed.

 

[BILLCOWIE1958]

Horse goes into a bar, barman says "Why the long face"

A duck walks into a bar and asks, 'any bread'?

The Barman says 'no'

Again the duck asks, 'any bread'

Again the Barman says, 'no'

The duck asks a 3rd time 'any bread'

The Barman is pissed off and says, ' if you ask me that again I' m going to nail your fucking beak to the bar'

The duck asks 'any nails'?

The Barman totally scunnered now shouts 'NO'!!!!

The duck looks at him and says, 'any bread then'?

HH?

 

[50 Shades of Green]

A big white horse trotts into a bar and asks the barman for a whisky...

Barman looks the big white horse up and down and says, ok then what kind of whisky and starts to rhyme of all the whiskys and then says, infact we even have a whisky named after you.

The big white horse says really I never knew that ok give me a Dobbin then.??

 

[The Shamrock]

A big white horse trotts into a bar and asks the barman for a whisky...

Barman looks the big white horse up and down and says, ok then what kind of whisky and starts to rhyme of all the whiskys and then says, infact we even have a whisky named after you.

The big white horse says really I never knew that ok give me a Dobbin then.??

Aww 50. I told the same joke ages ago on here. Tsk tsk.

 

[50 Shades of Green]

Aww 50. I told the same joke ages ago on here. Tsk tsk.

Sugar a missed it ,soz ??

 

[The Shamrock]

A young couple are on holiday in a very hot country and nothing they do while out walking can keep them cool. They've tried fans, pouring water over themselves, sitting in the shade etc to no avail. They stop at a cafe for some refreshments and see a woman eating some melon and she has her knickers at her ankles so they asked her if having her knickers down there helps keep her cool and she said "not really but it keeps the flies off my melon."

 

[Greenghirl]

A rabbi and a priest are on their way to an inter religion summit and seated on the train in the same carriage. They get chatting and they eventually talk of their faiths and things they are not allowed to do. The rabbi says you know I am not allowed to eat pork. The priest says I am not allowed sex. After a pause the rabbi says you know I must admit I have eaten bacon. The priest says I must admit I have had sex. To which the rabbi answers..... it’s better than a bacon sandwich isn’t it.