It’s Saturday night …

Smelltheg-love

Well-known member
I had another checkout incident today, nipped into a coop for some fags and a sandwich, a right jakey bastard getting served in front of me, 2pm pished oot his nut, hun written right across his fat face, buying 2 bottles of buckfast (2 of his 5 a day) then he spunked 45 quid on lottery tickets! 45 bloody quid!
I couldny help myself, said to him what will you do if you win? Give up the day job, stay at home and get pished?
Fortunately he was so pished he didn't comprehend the simple question and just grunted so I never got lamped with a bottle of buckie, cashier found it funny though.
Sure that Wisnae SP hoopy ?

mind the shop on Saturday I was paying for stuff and thought, fuck it, I’m gonni do the lotto, you never know your luck, I don’t do it
Being a numbers man you’d be better sending the money to my bank details given below
So with this feeling of the weans may be my lucky charms, who wants to do a lottery ticket ?
They fought over the tickets, spilling 1000 everywhere, fought over then pen, wouldn’t listen to a fucking word I said about filling in a lottery ticket
So the woman serving pipes up
You look as though you need help
Yes, correct I said, thanks, I’ll pick them up in an hour or two … oh right, sorry
She says I can put them on here if the kids pick the numbers
Ok right pick the numbers between 1 and 59
Oldest 1 and 59
Youngest
No I want them 🤷‍♂️
eventually one at a time cajoled them into numbers surrounding date of births etc
Here’s your ticket (with both lines)
But we want one each, no that’s it, one ticket, yi can share it, take a shot each holding it
cue that fucking look you get when your weans are like… dad let’s not fuck about here, you know the way it works, we’re not in the house, we hold the fucking cards, say no one more time and we’ll embarrass you by crying fighting etc
And if that didnae work, we heard mum swearing (likely about you), we’ll use it at your peril
Aye ok, can we get another ticket with the same numbers please, it’s only £8
If it wins I’ll win the jackpot twice I think 🙄

Gets to the front of Gourock, feck it, wee bit of sea air is good for them. Meets pal and starts yapping, he leaves and they’re not hearing me talk to them , focus is elsewhere
I’m like now in the middle of them
What’s going on, what you looking at
We’re seeing whose lottery ticket floats the longest dad 🤷‍♂️

think I’m better buying raffle tickets in future, anyone know of any raffles happening
 
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Hoopy427

Well-known member
Sure that Wisnae SP hoopy ?
I'll only go to Dundee for double time mate because I find using Google translate a cunt.

First time I went up there to work, pre sat nav, I stopped and asked this fella for directions "eh son gay ta the nixt circle an tern lift, thin gay ta the nixt circle an tern richt.....i was like wtf? 🤷‍♂️

After many hours of going round in circles I found someone who was bilingual and they explained that a circle is a roundabout!

Sorry SP 😽
 

DILLIGAF

Well-known member
I'll only go to Dundee for double time mate because I find using Google translate a cunt.

First time I went up there to work, pre sat nav, I stopped and asked this fella for directions "eh son gay ta the nixt circle an tern lift, thin gay ta the nixt circle an tern richt.....i was like wtf? 🤷‍♂️

After many hours of going round in circles I found someone who was bilingual and they explained that a circle is a roundabout!

Sorry SP 😽
I landed at Heathrow, rented a car and thought I'll head up to visit some relatives about 70 miles outside of London
I get lost (no GPS/SAT NAV) in those days, so I pull into a small police station
I walk in, nobody behind the desk...hello ?
I go behind the desk and look in an office, no one there either, hello ?
I come back out and there's a staircase...I walk up and through a door, down a corridor..hello ?A police station and there's no cunt around...I'm remembering the scene in the polis HQ in RAMBO, the first one...I turn around and almost jump out of my shirt, as this 'stealthy like' police officer, is standing right behind me
"What do you want ? How did you get in here...?"
I said "FFS, you scared the living shite out of me there...I'm trying to get on the freeway...eh...highway...fuck...eh motorway"
He says "Come on, let's get you downstairs..."
I'm thinking fuck that, I'm not going to the cells, and am looking for an exit...
We end up back at the front desk
He had a cockney wanker accent and it was like talking to a fucking music box, that spoke in riddles
"Alright, so you go out 'ere and turn left, stay on dat road like, and you'll come to a 'fried egg', you go round da fried egg, and head straight on, you'll come to another fried egg..."
And that's where I stopped him and said "Awrite, awrite, take the piss out of the Scotsman...I get it...fucking knob..."
I retreat to my vehicle and head off into the traffic...a few hundred yards up the road, there's the smallest, stupidest looking bump in the road, "Oh...this must be the fucking 'fried egg' he was going on about..."
I got to my destination hours later and next morning, back to the airport, and flew to where people spoke the lingo I could understand...that being Glesga !!!
'Fried egg'...away and take yer face fer a shite


HH
 

LondonBhoy

Well-known member
I had another checkout incident today, nipped into a coop for some fags and a sandwich, a right jakey bastard getting served in front of me, 2pm pished oot his nut, hun written right across his fat face, buying 2 bottles of buckfast (2 of his 5 a day) then he spunked 45 quid on lottery tickets! 45 bloody quid!
I couldny help myself, said to him what will you do if you win? Give up the day job, stay at home and get pished?
Fortunately he was so pished he didn't comprehend the simple question and just grunted so I never got lamped with a bottle of buckie, cashier found it funny
Mebbe the fella hadn't made the shortlist...(or mebbe he had)😭😭😭
 

Miktim

Well-known member
That is my life anytime I go near a supermarket. Ten minutes in the place and I’m getting an understanding of what makes mass shooters do it 😡🤬
Men should get their own supermarkets, one Isle for sausages, one Isle for drink and a checkout where anyone with more than 6 items can fuck right off!

It would make shopping a far quicker more pleasurable experience for us instead of having to fight past bastards fingering avocados and sniffing melons!

Then you end up in the checkout queue holding a box of Stella and a packet of sausages and in front of you somebody has a trolley with enough food in it to feed Afghanistan for a week, do they let you through? Do they fuck! You end up stood there for an hour while they unload and package all their shite, they complain about the quality of the plastic bags, then they start raking about to find a coupon at the bottom of their bag that gets them 2p off a tin of beans, then they canny remember their pin number and assume the 30 furious folk now waiting behind them in the queue will join them in thinking its hilarious. Im thinking the game starts in 5 minutes I'll buy your food if it'll speed up this fuckaboutery! Does my tits in, hate shopping and people!
 

JamSam67

Well-known member
I think I was the victim of an alien abduction last night. I was sitting quite happily reading through the Noise and the next thing I woke up face down on the living room floor with no memory of how I got there. Not only did the alien fuckers abduct me but they also tanned all my booze and herb. Where the fuck are Mulder and Scully when you need them 😡😡
Did the alien have a purple pointy heid if yes you’ve been Clayed
A serious bleaching is required said he wiz oaf the alcohol

HH 😳
 

JamSam67

Well-known member
no real idea about what this thread was all about and lost it half way through but just one thing to say you just canny have mince on a Sunday. It’s got to be chicken with roast potatoes and carrots and honey glazed parsnips. Oh and Sunday sauce and that’s a secret recipe no to be handed out Willy nilly love ya all and yir madness 💚
You should try Lett uce sauce rose
I’ve goat a Hun at work asking for some in Morrison’s
Huvny got the heart to tell him. 😂

HH 😂
 

JamSam67

Well-known member
I made pizza last night 45 minutes in the bread maker and the dough is done if there’s an easy way of doing something I will find it, 20 years as a council employee does that tae ye
Huv sum Dignity bud you only worked 10
I’m 22 in next year hardest 11 weeks I’ve ever worked Mon the Cooncil still got the same brush and litter picker got no training but I just picked it up

HH 😳
 

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