off topic, This is true, Dire Straits sort of.

I remember the best knock back I ever had fae the dancing.
Me and two mates, totally pished try to get into the Savoy. I'm strolling up nonchalantly to the entrance , trying ma best to look sober when I encounter two bouncers. One male and one female. The female raises her hand, puts it on my chest and says " Sir, you're staggering." I said " Yer no bad yersel doll "
Still didn't get in
 
Old shiter but here goes
Bhoy fires down to the pet shop. Fancies getting an intelligent bird so he has his eye on a parrot. He's thinking
"Nae holidays, nae they have done that we need this" solid plan
Gets an old grey the keeper says "aye it's a good bird" so he takes it home
The wee fucker is a bastart. Tears up the furniture, shits where it likes and shouts abuse at everyone and anyone that's in its company.
The bhoy tries his best training, better feed, everthing he can do. That cunt of a bird keeps shouting the odds bamming up his mates and family at every occasion.
The patient man that he his breaks. Grabs the parrot and throws it in the freezer.
There is about 20s of thrashing, swearing and abuse then nothing coming from the muffled refrigerated box.
He gives it 5mins and still no sound and the guilt kicks in.
Throws open the door and offers his hand.
The chilly parrot walks along and looks up at him and talks in perfect English.
" sorry big man, we got off on the wrong foot nae hard feelings. What did the chicken do to fuck you off?"
I fucking LOLed at that mate especially as I keep chickens ??
 
guy waken's up in hospital says "how am ah doin doc"
doctor says "d'ye want the good news or the bad news"
"aw phuq it doc gie me the good news"
o.k says the doc,"we're gonny name a disease efter ye!
Michael, that reminds me of the time I got knocked down and was in a coma for two weeks.
I eventually woke up and seen a cowboy to my right and an Indian to my left. Ah said to the doctor " Where am I ? ". He replied " You're in the Western "
 
Jerusalem , Friday about 3.25pm . Jesus is sitting talking with his mates about the game on Sunday ( being Jewish, Saturday is off limits for football , or anything else ) when a noisy crowd confronts him , dragging a young woman by the hair.
''Rabbi, this woman was caught committing adultery - the law says she must be stoned to death ,'' shouts a big , ugly mutha at the front , ''What do you say ? ''
Jesus looks at them in a Messiah kind of way - forces them into silence . He waits for a while , building up the tension - he knows how to work a crowd .

''If the law says she must be stoned to death - fine , have at it . ''
But just as the crowd gathers up some strategically placed stones ready for some target practise , Jesus halts them with a raised hand .
''But let he who is without sin cast the first stone ,'' he says with a knowing look .
The crowd falls silent , looking at one another , then one by one they drop their ammunition . Jesus looks on rather smugly then goes to sit down with his mates - job done he thinks .

Suddenly there is a commotion at the back of the crowd , people are jostled aside and a gap quickly appears which reveals a small figure carrying an enormous rock balanced on thin shoulders . The figure staggers forward , step by step under the awesome weight , approaches the young woman who is still lying on the ground at the feet of Jesus- and DROPS the massive boulder on the girl crushing her instantly !
A sigh goes up from the crowd then all eyes turn to Jesus .
He looks at the dead girl ,then slowly turns to the small figure who is standing before him and mutters
'' See you Ma , you really get on ma tits at times !''
 
Guy has a one day pass from the Looney bin and decides to go to the zoo.
He walks in goes round the basic enclosures. There's a bird cage he settles on goes up and grabs through the bars. One falls off its perch from a heart attack. Panicked in the pocket he ran round the side then over the fence.
Bad start but after a quick regroup he soldiers on
He stumbles across a perfect bee hive encased in plastic. He moves it around and one gets loose and stings him. Looses it and throws the case to the floor jumping up and down on it.
Grabs the remains runs back to the fence throws it over.
The guy on the evac is running past the ape enclosure when he stops. Looks and points at one that is laughing. Walks into the enclosure and punches the simian stone dead. Runs to the same spot and throws the carcass over the fence.
He was caught and punished for his crimes.

Mean while


Glesga lion head of the pride. New lion getting dropped off. Walks up to ask " how is it round here?"
"It's no bad. Grub is good"
"Yesterday we had finch,chimps and mushy bees"
 
Foreman on the building site is gasping for a smoke but is out of ciggies . Calls over the new start - ''Get me twenty Embassy tipped !''
The new start , not the brightest , says '' What if they don't have Embassy ?''
'' Oh , just get anything then ''says the foreman .
Newstart comes back with a scotch pie !
 
Pakistani boy goes into the orange emporium and asks for half a dozen tins of kennomeat. Fuck off son, you'll be putting that in the curries of us white folk, let me see your dug first. The boy duly obliges and fetches the dug and receives the dug food.
Next day the same lad goes to the same shop and asks for 6tins of kitekat. Again the shopkeeper accuses him of putting cat food in curries and asks for evidence of the cat. The boy gets the cat and is grudgingly given the cat food.
Later that day the boy goes to the shop with a bin bag. Empties the bin bags aw over the counter and it's full of human excrement.
"A dozen rolls of andrex please" says the boy.
 
Came home slightly worse for wear but feeling randy the other night. So a says to the missus,
' dae ye fancy some super sex?'
'I'll have the soup' she replied.
 
So Mark Knopfler has been interviewed recently.
Asked what he'd been up to for the last few years.
He said he's been all over the world. Actually played a private gig for a member of the Saudi Royal family for a million quid.
They put him up in the royal palace.
In his room was a painting by Monet. He was blown away and admired it. Saudi prince said, do you like it? Its yours.
He then said, it happens all the time. My local chippy has never charged me for anything since ive been going in there.
So the interviewer said,
So you get your Monet for nothing, and your chips for free?
Brill Brimc just Brill
 
In the not too distant future...
Donald Trump dies. So he goes up to the pearly gates but God has built a wall around them with a sign saying 'NO Trumps in here'. (what goes around eh Donald)
So off he pops downstairs.
The Devil is waiting for him. "Hello Donald, Iv'e been waiting for you for quite some time". he says.
"Unfortunately we're a bit full at the moment, so in order to let you in we'll have to let someone else out. But the good news is you get to pick who!"
"Ok," says the bold Donald.
So the Devil takes Trump to the dead leaders section. "Its quite simple I'll show you 3 famous leaders rooms and you choose which one you want to replace"
"Er, ok" says Trump, nervous now.
Room No1.
The door opens and Maggie Thatcher is inside tied to a post being stoned over and over by Arthur Scargill chucking big lumps of coal at her laughing his head off.
"I don't fancy that" says Donald.
Room No 2.
The door opens and we're on top of the World Trade Centre North Tower.
George W Bush is balancing on the edge when Osama Bin Laden runs up and shoves him over. Just before a screaming George hits the deck he appears at the top again and the whole thing happens again, forever.
"No, not for me" says a now sweating Donald.
Room No 3.
We're in the Oval office. Bill Clinton is at the desk with a strange smile on his face. Then Donald notices something dark bobbing up and down underneath the desk. Can it be? Yes it is, its Monica Lewinski doing what shes famous for. Forever.
Excitedly Donald can hardly contain himself turns to the Devil and says "Yes yes! I'll have this room, definitely."
"Are you sure Donald? Theres no going back once you've made a decision."
" YES YES YES" says an eager Donald.
"Very well" says the Devil.
" Lewinski. You're outta here"
 

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