off topic, This is true, Dire Straits sort of.

Brimcbhoy

Brimcbhoy

Well-known member
So Mark Knopfler has been interviewed recently.
Asked what he'd been up to for the last few years.
He said he's been all over the world. Actually played a private gig for a member of the Saudi Royal family for a million quid.
They put him up in the royal palace.
In his room was a painting by Monet. He was blown away and admired it. Saudi prince said, do you like it? Its yours.
He then said, it happens all the time. My local chippy has never charged me for anything since ive been going in there.
So the interviewer said,
So you get your Monet for nothing, and your chips for free?
 
Chic Murray : I was walking down the street , one foot in front of the other - I find it's the best way to walk . I slipped on some ice and fell on my back at which point a little old lady said '' Did you fall , son ? ''
''No '' I replied , '' I'm trying to break a bar of toffee in my back pocket ''.

It's the way HE tells them !
 
Brimcbhoy said:
So Mark Knopfler has been interviewed recently.
Asked what he'd been up to for the last few years.
He said he's been all over the world. Actually played a private gig for a member of the Saudi Royal family for a million quid.
They put him up in the royal palace.
In his room was a painting by Monet. He was blown away and admired it. Saudi prince said, do you like it? Its yours.
He then said, it happens all the time. My local chippy has never charged me for anything since ive been going in there.
So the interviewer said,
So you get your Monet for nothing, and your chips for free?
Click to expand...
A family of polar bears on an iceberg. Mum, Dad and the wean. The wean says "Maw am a really a polar bear????"
mum replied " course ye are son. Yir the spittin image o yir Da. Look at they big paws 'n' ye just luv that seal mest. Aye your a polar bear son"
Unconvinced the wean wanders across to his Da.
"Da" "Whit is it??" " Am a really really a polar bear???? "
"Of course you are boy, look at aw that white fur, they big paws and yir the double o yir maw. You are a polar bear for sure laddie"
Still no sure he returns to his mother.
"Maw" "Whit is it nooo?????"
" Ur ye really, really, really sure am a polar bear?????? "
"Aye" she roars "Im really sure. Whits up?? "
"Am fuckin freezin!!!"
Only really works if you believe polar bears talk with a Scottish accent.
HH
 
The Shamrock said:
A panda walks into a pub and asks the barman "have you seen ma da"? "I don't know" says the barman, "what does he look like"?
Click to expand...
man and his giraffe walk into a bar and order some drinks. Ten minutes later the giraffe is steamin and collapses. The guy makes to leave. "Hod on" says the barman " ye cannae leave that lying there"
Guy replies " it's no a lion, it's a giraffe"
 
Baby camel says to mammy camel "are you sure I'm a camel"? Mammy camel says "aye, of course you're a camel, you have those long eyelashes to keep the sand from going into your eyes when there's a sandstorm, you have a hump that fills with water to keep you hydrated when you're walking a distance and you have those large feet that help you cross the desert without falling into the sand, so yes, you are a camel". Baby camel looks up to his mammy and says "whit the fuck are we daein in Edinburgh then?"
 
Brimcbhoy said:
So Mark Knopfler has been interviewed recently.
Asked what he'd been up to for the last few years.
He said he's been all over the world. Actually played a private gig for a member of the Saudi Royal family for a million quid.
They put him up in the royal palace.
In his room was a painting by Monet. He was blown away and admired it. Saudi prince said, do you like it? Its yours.
He then said, it happens all the time. My local chippy has never charged me for anything since ive been going in there.
So the interviewer said,
So you get your Monet for nothing, and your chips for free?
Click to expand...
Whits brown and swam in the Olympics?
Mince Wilkie.
 
Brimcbhoy said:
So Mark Knopfler has been interviewed recently.
Asked what he'd been up to for the last few years.
He said he's been all over the world. Actually played a private gig for a member of the Saudi Royal family for a million quid.
They put him up in the royal palace.
In his room was a painting by Monet. He was blown away and admired it. Saudi prince said, do you like it? Its yours.
He then said, it happens all the time. My local chippy has never charged me for anything since ive been going in there.
So the interviewer said,
So you get your Monet for nothing, and your chips for free?
Click to expand...
Two snowmen in a field. First wan says " can you smell carrots? "
Noo that's dire
 
Went to the bank with my old ma yesterday she asked me to check her balance so i pushed her over. What did the pirate say when he turned 80.Aye matey. Me and the wife were getting ready for a night out she asked me to pass her the lipstick i accidently passed her the gluestick.Shes still not talking to me. My dog used to chase people on a bike.It got so bad i had to take the bike off him. Woman walks into the library and asks the librarian,have you any books on paranoia.He says they are behind you.???
 
how dae ye hide an elephant in a cherry tree-paint it's toenails red!
how dae ye get 4 elephant's in a mini-2 in the front, 2 in the back!
how can ye tell there's been an elephant in yer fridge-footprints in the butter!
whit's yellow and highly dangerous-shark infested custard!
whit's the best way tae catch rabbits,staun behind a tree and make a noise like a carrot!!!
ah thought wan king was a province in china, until ah discovered smirnoff!
"it's the way ah tell em!"
and that's some ae ma best material
 
michael duffy said:
how dae ye hide an elephant in a cherry tree-paint it's toenails red!
how dae ye get 4 elephant's in a mini-2 in the front, 2 in the back!
how can ye tell there's been an elephant in yer fridge-footprints in the butter!
whit's yellow and highly dangerous-shark infested custard!
whit's the best way tae catch rabbits,staun behind a tree and make a noise like a carrot!!!
ah thought wan king was a province in china, until ah discovered smirnoff!
"it's the way ah tell em!"
and that's some ae ma best material
Click to expand...
 
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