off topic, This is true, Dire Straits sort of.

Denbhoy72 said:
Went to the bank with my old ma yesterday she asked me to check her balance so i pushed her over. What did the pirate say when he turned 80.Aye matey. Me and the wife were getting ready for a night out she asked me to pass her the lipstick i accidently passed her the gluestick.Shes still not talking to me. My dog used to chase people on a bike.It got so bad i had to take the bike off him. Woman walks into the library and asks the librarian,have you any books on paranoia.He says they are behind you.???
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The Rangers are coming ?????????????????????

Sorry for laughing at my own joke

HH?
 
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Steven Gerrard knocked on Dave King's door begging for transfer funds to bolster his squad

King says ' sorry Slippy I'm a bit skint wi aw these fines I'm having to pay but ah'll see what I can dae'

Sure enough in January the squad appears at Murray Park with 1 new addition

A massive African fella

So Slippy gets aw the players into a circle and introduces their new team mate

Then the training session starts in earnest

Slippy picks up a ball holds it in front of him and says 'BALL BALL'

Slippy then goes through the motions of kicking the ball and says 'KICK BALL'

He then points at the goal and says 'GOAL GOAL'

Once again Slippy holds up the ball makes as if he's going to kick it and says ''KICK BALL INTO GOAL'

The big African fella is getting a bit pissed aff by this time and says'Excuse me Gaffer I do know the rudiments of the game '

Slippy turns to him and says ' I wisnae fuckin' talking tae you'

HH?
 
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Think we will see the second coming before we see the rangers coming.The messiah approaches the gathering flock.One person shouts,Messiah where have you been.The Messiah replied,my dear child i have been performing miracles.Another voice shouted in a scouse accent,er...excooose me Messiah im the rangers manager and im trying to win a trophy,seeing as your performing miracles...coood you perform one for me eh Messiah.To which the Messiah replied to the desperate scouser..I said i perfomed miracles,im not a fuking magician.
 
Denbhoy72 said:
Think we will see the second coming before we see the rangers coming.The messiah approaches the gathering flock.One person shouts,Messiah where have you been.The Messiah replied,my dear child i have been performing miracles.Another voice shouted in a scouse accent,er...excooose me Messiah im the rangers manager and im trying to win a trophy,seeing as your performing miracles...coood you perform one for me eh Messiah.To which the Messiah replied to the desperate scouser..I said i perfomed miracles,im not a fuking magician.
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???
 
When Tommy Sheridon was on trial for perjury it emerged he and his wife and been using swingers clubs. At the end of proceedings the judge adjourned the court and everyone left. Just before the bold Tommy left the building he remembered he'd left his documents case in court so went back to retrieve them. He opened the courtroom door and there was just a wee Glesga cleaning women.
'Whit are ye dain back here Tam' she asked.
'I'm here for ma holdall' He replied.
'Och Tommy, are you no in enough trouble the noo'!

Oldy but still gets me. :LOL:
 
Not a tall tale....but a true one. My missus is Czech and a lovely aethiest. One Sunday she decided she would like to see the inside of a Catholic church for the first time. She heard the line "To gaze upon thy face" from the famous hymn, but thought she heard.... two gays upon thy face.
 
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Brimcbhoy said:
When Tommy Sheridon was on trial for perjury it emerged he and his wife and been using swingers clubs. At the end of proceedings the judge adjourned the court and everyone left. Just before the bold Tommy left the building he remembered he'd left his documents case in court so went back to retrieve them. He opened the courtroom door and there was just a wee Glesga cleaning women.
'Whit are ye dain back here Tam' she asked.
'I'm here for ma holdall' He replied.
'Och Tommy, are you no in enough trouble the noo'!

Oldy but still gets me. :LOL:
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:ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
 
man sitting in a bar with hit hat on the chair beside him another guy walks in with a dog and the dog chews the guys hat up so the man says hey your dog just chewed my hat and the dogs owner says so what to which the man replies so thats your attitude and the dog owner says no its your hat it chewed
 
Boy goes intae a shop and asks for a loaf. Plain or pan asks the shopkeeper. Itsaw wan says the boy, ma hoose is oan fire.
Wee lassie goes intae the same shop and asks for a tin of soup. Chicken or lentil she's asked. "It disni maiter ah've got my bike ootside" wis her knowing reply. ?
 
Two polis pick up a drunk lying outside pub - ''You can't arrest me '' says drunk .
''How no ? '' says first cop ( obviously Glesga polis )
''Because I'm the Son of God '' replies the drunk .
''Can you prove it ? '' asks cop two , humouring him .
''Certainly , follow me '' says drunk entering the pub .
On seeing drunk , barman cries out '' Jesus Christ , no you again ! ''
 
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Millsy said:
Two polis pick up a drunk lying outside pub - ''You can't arrest me '' says drunk .
''How no ? '' says first cop ( obviously Glesga polis )
''Because I'm the Son of God '' replies the drunk .
''Can you prove it ? '' asks cop two , humouring him .
''Certainly , follow me '' says drunk entering the pub .
On seeing drunk barman cries out '' Jesus Christ , no you again ! ''
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If it's ok Millsy am gonna tell this at every available opporchancity. TY
 
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