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"Christmas cracker quiz : When is a perfectly good goal not a goal? When I'm the worthless chump with the whistle an' it's the Tims, of course."


"Hey, I used to like that 'Murder Well' team in Scatland, because that's what I spent my Presidency doing to innocents all over the globe.
But, gee, I sure won't be fucking doing that anymore..."


"Welcome to the Celtic charity drive: tonight we launch the Celtic GSH - Give Shite Hope - Xmas Appeal"

The Celtic team.

GORDON 6.5/10

Wore the grey and got beat like the South - and culpable for the ennui which gripped the foundations of our play; felt he needed to take more command of the makeshift defence in front of him - BULLY them more and get their heads right.

Was he at fault for the equaliser? My first instinct was yes - thought he had all the angles covered and knew the boy could only score if he arrowed it along the path that he actually did. So the big mhan should have gambled on that eventuality and been down in enough time to get fingers on it - any slightest touch would have averted the goal. But he didn't.
And it zipped past him. Great strike, but a keeper of his experience could have dealt with it.

KT - 9/10

MOTM. Incredible energy and commitment. Given Sunday's exertions, his performance was exemplary.
Was always looking to damage them too, with some excellent runs, but failure of his team-mates to play him in cost us.


Scored a beauty - anywhere else in the world. Strolled it. . . Stupidly. Got caught napping in those final moments, indecisive - think he didn't expect any pressure. Could have cleaned out a couple of times prior to the goal but was ineffective.
Need your centre backs blowing everything away in front of them when holding a 1-0.

JOZO - 7/10

See above. Comfortably at error like his 'wee brother'; Looked to have things under control but faltering concentration at the last let them in. Like Gordon, we needed him commanding all in front of him.

GAMBOA - 6/10

Mad Costa Rican hitman rampages, blisters and bemuses with his inconsistency. Great turn of pace, makes passes like a pished lothario in Sticky Vickies.

BROON - 7/10

Return of the Boss went to script until that teeth-grinding throwaway. Looked in control, but did he let others off too lightly?
1-0 up with minutes to go requires nasty Broon, hustling last efforts out of his players' tired legs. Can be argued he let the tempo slacken too much.

CALMAC - 7/10

Back in his familiar position was pushing buttons to no avail. Kept up a continuous buzz but didn't find the killer passes we required.
Maybe lethargy carried over from the weekend; not as effective as we needed.


Brilliant energy, great goal - adds that surprise element to our attack as he bursts out of midfield; better than Armstrong in that he also has steel for midfield combat. Another who lacked the right service at the right time.

HAYES - 5/10

NAW. Naw, Johnny - that's not how you go about getting a place in the Hoops first eleven. Had about three touches in the first half, floated around looking like a concerned WW1 Tommy in the middle of no-man's land. Improved second half but only succeeded in replicating the worst of Aiden McGeady-stylee check-backs and deflating attacking momentum.
Brendan praised him in after-match interview but that was man-management.
Virtual Reality glesses aff, BR : Sandman Bittersweet Actual Reality googles on - he was pish.


Ain't no muthafuckin' winger, that DAMN fuh sure. Got the muthafuckin' muthafuck out of that Fir Park shithole like a boss soon as half time whistle went.


Finally revealing the reason for his prolonged absence - new tattoos. And they were too heavy. Golden penalty moment to end the game as a contest and blew it; mainly due to the aforementioned work of art - 'Burd wi' big tits' - adorning his favoured left leg causing drag.


EDDY - 4/10

Snuffed out, too leggy, too bloody cold by the looks of him. Still, was thrown on when service had dried up. Attempted to liven proceedings - and our defence - by playing in Connor Salmon for what we thought would be their last chance.

SINCY - 3/10

All that ability and no confidence; was hoping he'd respond to the mating calls from the home Huns by ramming it right up them but he flattered, then deceived only himself. How do we get the real Slim Snicy back? It'll have to be acid...

ROGIC - 6/10

Oz looked likely but was - like Eddy - joining a team who'd given up momentum, so correct movement around him was sparse.

BR - 6/10

Made 7 changes he would live or die by. So close to getting a great result without too much fuss, let down badly by players who didn't take the chances he'd given them to seize a jersey. BUT... his calls were ultimately costly.

OVERALL - 7/10

Going to Fir Park is like descending stairs into a flooded cellar in Derry, Maine, and finding the reanimated corpse of a dead kid speaking in a Killer Clown's voice - so best thing to do is get what you came for and get out quick.
We had the opportunity, despite the sleekit fanny in black trying his utmost. We fumbled, and the cosmic evil celebrated us sacrificing precious points.

Was looking fine, but I couldn't have been the only one with that nagging feeling when we failed to add a second...
Saving grace was the imperialist army of darkness getting a fleecing by the Sheep. But we need to KILL OFF teams like Murderwell and stop this Give Shite Hope charity drive before it becomes a nasty habit.