SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ BEELZEBUB'S CRADLE

Sandman

Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ BEELZEBUB'S CRADLE


“Wim Jansen is one of only four men in the world worth listening to
when they talk about football”

-Johan Cruyff



ROXIE - 7/10

Hardly a crucial stop to make but presence in these fiery occasions
is everything. Favourite movie - Ice Cold In Alex ; steely nerves
as the pen spins back across our goalmouth and we wince in existential
horror knowing it's going to hit the keeper and go in like they always
do and, fuck... Roxie watches with an action hero's knowing smirk,
edges out the way. The ghost of John Mills toasts approval.



GREGGS THE BAKER - 6.5/10

As aggressive as a newly cooked steak bake on the tongue.
On his game and on his high horse; dishing out retribution.
A fine busy night, slightly careless but overall competent
under pressure.



STAR LORD - 7/10

Pulled out the old Shelby shotgun to make a goal-saving clearance
as we buckled. Also, spazzed-out at the screaming racoon in his heid
and threw in a couple of mystifying blunders with the game balanced
on the razor's edge...

Wouldn't be Star Lord if we didn't get him playing both Scooby Doo
and the masked fairground villain in the same game.

Tonight he impressed more than stressed with the combative way
he dealt with physical tussles as they threw in 372 corners and crosses
in search of an equaliser; stood up to the seige well.



GET CARTER - 7.5/10

Big man growling in yer face - niggly Devlin's nightmares for
the next week as Get Carter rounded on him after his attempt to
hump Notebook.

We needed a big Mhan tonight and we got one when the gameplan
folded and the last half hour became a survival exercise. He marshalled
the defence well.



JURAN JURAN - 6.5/10

Pleasingly, another aggro merchant emerges. Enjoyed being
in the thick of it, took no shit and not afraid to dish out some
Balkan justice.

Heavily involved as his inverted full-back role aided a makeshift
midfield and allowed him to burst forward in support. Denied a
belter of a goal - and a match-killer - by former Celtic shot-stopping
marvel Craig Gordon; which also cost me £100, the lanky prick.



BLOCKCHAIN - 7.5/10 MOTM

Captain. Of Mossad's death-commando squad, and tonight Celtic.
Right in among it, you could tell he wanted three points to go
with the armband. Ended up tightrope-walking as Beaton played
his Nazi card and pinned a ridiculous, sinister yellow on the
Jew.

But the long tall salamander wasn't having the Hun ride's
conniving and refused to tone down the vibe; led his troops
to the bitter end with a snarl and a matchwinning focus when
the battlefied was littered with tired and wounded. A captain's
performance, absolutely.



HAKUNA HATATE - 7/10

They don't like white jackets and caps in Japan. And the guy
behind the goal looking like a hated Korean K-Pop ponce
almost paid the price.

Luckily for him the goal nets averted Reo's murder attempt
; a strike of such pace they now call him REO Speedwagon,
travelling at a velocity beyond lightspeed which had CG
wondering where the draught had sprung from as he arrived
a day later in the space it once occupied.

Before workrate bust his energy reserves, Reo's mercurial
talent was on show, pinging passes and seeing the spaces;
pure footballing instinct. Protect this new signing from injury
through just one more game, please...



THE BUILDER - 7/10

Basil Fawlty doesn't rate him and thank God there's no renovation
work required in the Celtic Park stands. Tonight was O'Riley's big
chance to show he's got what it takes to wear the Hoops and
before he hobbled off to block up another restaurant he'd given
Ange a lot to think about.

As debut's go, this was a baptism of fury. Intensity like he's
never known in the genteel English lower leagues, surroundings
like he's never known outside childhood night-terrors, and
demands upon him like he's never known outside groupie-skank
threesomes. And he'll get plenty of them in Glasgow now that
Griff's departed...

But he was excellent, able to play deft passes and fit the
Angeball model like he'd grown up with it. Bodes very well for
the shape of things to come. Just don't ask him to put up an
extension.



JAMESY - 6.5/10

One of those nights where Jamesy looked right in the mood
but the crowd lacked the aesthetic appeal to arouse him
enough for a truly memorable performance.

Football-wise, he was but one final ball or strike away from
being the terrorizing Jamesy we know well. But he was in
there to the death, and more game-time equals more classic
Jamesy delights on the way. Ladies...



NOTEBOOK - 7/10

Looking somehow older and meaner thanks to the Beckham
hairband - possibly the first player in history to look less camp.

He was so lively and buzzing tonight it looked like he'd
blitz Hearts away all on his own. But for CG - again - we'd
have been out of sight and he'd have been MOTM. But he's
back, and bangin', and next week looms...



SON OF JACKIE - 7/10

The big guy looks like he gets it, finally. Revelling in his
winning strike - the football version of a Cheeky Vimto -
and fighting for the cause.

Not to mention a nice line in antagonism as he battled
Nae-Soap Souttar, the Hun's latest half-formed uglybugly,
still gestating a complete human face in the John Hurt
Surrogacy Programme before he bursts out of its guts
in the summer to join the other xenomorphs
(and xenophobics...) in the Mordor Freak Circus.

Big Jackie will have the chance to eclipse his Dad as a
Hunskelper next week and if he can maintain this level
of competitive committment, we'll have the first useful
big battering ram of a striker since JVoH.



SUBS:


ABADASS - 6/10

Playing with intent now, rather than hope. Got stuck into
a roughhouse period in the game with vigour. Good stuff, kid.


MCCARTHYISM - N/A

Smacked a few clearances well away from our box with no
hesitation in his brief appearance. That'll do fine.


MAN OF - N/A

Take. Ball. To. Fucking. Corner.





ANITA DOBSON - 8/10

It's Australia Day, celebrating surf, barbecues and the chance
at any moment to be killed in your own back yard by any
number of horrific mega-poisonous critters that have been
inbreeding for millenia just to mutate enough to end human
life with a glance. Australia; a place for madmen and Mad Max.

And we have our own Road Warrior in Ange - Japan to Glasgow,
and tonight invited to a party at the gore-filled home of whiny
serial-killer-turned-football-manager, Dennis Nilsen.

Angeball is the plan and regardless of personnel he expects it
implemented. He got enough of it to win the game twice over,
yet scraped over the line. It's cited as an energy-sapper but the
narrow results are a false-flag when the majority of the game is
producing clear-cut opportunities to canter home.

Someday soon the tactics will produce the dominant outcome
they deserve. I fancy next Wednesday for that joy.


MIBBERY - 7/10

Ooh, so close, John. And what about your linesbian? Special mention
there for reviewing our second at HT and deciding it was narrow
enough an unproven call to let them get one so clear-cut offside it
was like they were playing a fucking netball shooter up front.

Yet 3 Tims went in the book for good measure and no reason and
he's not taking the blame for the totem pole that cursed the penalty.

Yes, no pen, no goat, as they whisper in the masonic clubs' darkrooms
and John did his bit tonight as the merciless universe threw up a wacky
double-handball. He eventually signalled with his arm but part of him
was already pointing at the spot...



OVERALL - 7.5/10

Who would have imagined that a cup trip to a ramshackle hinterland
would prove so costly to the crucial title challenge? A skipper out until
the Easter Bunny's served up as a starter, with the type of injury only
Davie Dodds craved through his playing career in the hope of a plastic
surgery makeover freebie on the accident insurance.

So, no conductor = no orchestra in synch? Didn't look too much of
a problem as we flew around like footballing dervishes first-half,
all but taking the game beyond them. But after the break as energies
sagged we lost rhythm and tempo and looked forlornly at the bench
for the heartbeat of the team.

He was there but nobody had a Mandalorian helmet for him to wear
and get on the park safely. So the chosen Bhoys dug deep, rode
their luck, stood resilient and focussed, and saw off the
drug-fuelled gadgies' surge for an undeserved leveller.

A precious three points for an unfamiliar line-up, and some
galvanising aggro to get the lads backing each other up.
Don't underestimate the value of winning with a scrap and a
snarl like tonight turned out. Adversity maketh champions if
you're made of the right stuff.




Dedicated to Wim Jansen, the greatest one-season stand Celtic
ever had. Inherited a depleted squad of comparitive ordinariness,
added a Ghod and some archangels and in spite of the obfuscation
of a board indifferent to on-field success and the rabid, pitiful
corruption and cheating at its zenith in the slimebowl across the
city, Wim somehow won the title and stopped their darkest triumph
in its tracks, the tainted ten.

Quite miraculous, really. Gave us Henrik and the greatest day of
my Celtic life. What a wonderful, unassuming little legend Wim is.

I think of him every time an episode of Mrs.Brown's Boys is on;
a show which is secretly one long tribute to the wee genius,
because (FACT) each and every script contains/is an anagram of:

"The little Dutchman, Wim The Tim, stopped the ten and got it right
up a million rancid Huns who wept like banshees on the 9th May 1998.
Fecked them all. Right off."

Thank you with eternal gratitude, Wim Jansen, from the souls of
Celts everywhere. R.I.P




Go away Now

Sandman.
 
That was some clearance from the goalpost. It managed to miss going in off the back of Hart and also went out for a goalkick on the opposite side of the pitch. A fantastic effort.
There’s a thread on follow follow about getting the compliance offer to have a look at retrospectively banning the fenian goalpost, apparently they’re saying it moved just as the kick was being taken 🤣
 
There’s a thread on follow follow about getting the compliance offer to have a look at retrospectively banning the fenian goalpost, apparently they’re saying it moved just as the kick was being taken 🤣
I really find it astonishing that Hearts of all clubs would spend so much money redeveloping their whole ground and then install a non-masonic goalpost (OK, I will say it - a Fenian goalpost)! I mean, it looks as staunch and loyal as the rest of them but has clearly sneaked in in disguise. Maybe it was Griff who converted it by tying a Celtic scarf around it after another famous victory?
 
I really find it astonishing that Hearts of all clubs would spend so much money redeveloping their whole ground and then install a non-masonic goalpost (OK, I will say it - a Fenian goalpost)! I mean, it looks as staunch and loyal as the rest of them but has clearly sneaked in in disguise. Maybe it was Griff who converted it by tying a Celtic scarf around it after another famous victory?
They’re now saying it’s got a season ticket at parkhead, said it’s there’s every other Saturday 🍀🤣
 
I really find it astonishing that Hearts of all clubs would spend so much money redeveloping their whole ground and then install a non-masonic goalpost (OK, I will say it - a Fenian goalpost)! I mean, it looks as staunch and loyal as the rest of them but has clearly sneaked in in disguise. Maybe it was Griff who converted it by tying a Celtic scarf around it after another famous victory?
On a night when another Celtic legend leaves us and enters Paradise, we send him on his way with a victory and some strange goalpost shenanigans.

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