Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ BROONY'S NEW BACKYARD
"Yeah, well I'm thinking of knocking through the Beach End, maybe
get a hot tub in, wee bar and a dancefloor, games room wi' some
XBoxes so me an' Jonny Hayes can play Call Of Duty Dublin 1916..."
Scott Brown, when questioned on his plans for helping revamp the
Aberdeen set-up.
BANE - 6.5/10
Busy. More than usual, more than he expected, and more than Sunday.
Oh, the irony. Irony... Irony.. .So much this season it's been like
the final scene of the final episode of Cheers. (Some classic comedy
fans might see what I did there...).
But a smart bit of 'keeping kept us in it when unsighted, and some
good anticipation second-half helped foil their desire to kill the
game off. I'd keep the mad bastard for another spell.
JONJO O'NEILL - 5/10
They Shoot Horses Don't They? Great film, wrong sentiment -
shoot the jockeys. Agian, Jonjo looked competent - that
deceptive competence which makes him look a player until you
realise there's nothing much behind the appearance that marks
him as an exceptional full-back worthy of a Celtic jersey.
Because he belongs to Everton anyway. Why didn't our own
player, Tony R, get the gig tonight?
BITTON - 7/10 MOTM
Recovered from his January Mordor shame of being
red-carded when caught trying to hump a pig.
Tonight, well, he'll get my MOTM vote for two
things - first half, trying to pick a defence-splitting
pass down the inside-left channel for Elshag who'd
shown out of the ehter, turned and then stopped with
a can't-be-arsed shrug. As Nir popped the pass into
no-man's land, wathcing it run harmlessly through.
Making Nir look a pussy. But he gave it to the
indolent waster good - called him out with a mouthful,
and arm gestures basically telling him to get off his
fucking arse and make the run. Then Elshag vanished again.
Secondly - outstanding play of the game to deny the
Dons a tap-in at the back post for 2-0 ; somehow manages
to guide the ball out for a corner through the narrowest
of channels between striker and post as he slid in with
a last-gasp interception to save the jerseys. Brilliant
bit of defending.
RAQUEL - 6/10
'We're gonnae breed ye!' was the shout from locals bedazzled
by her beauty, holding aloft their prize ram as she alighted
the team triple-decker bus; a compliment around those parts,
I'm led to believe...
Well, it didn't go to her head, nor did it faze her -
another top-team notch on the experience belt and another
mostly faultless, assured step towards regular involvement
when the revolution comes.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6/10
Currently in a no-lose situation as he could have
staggered around giggling, sucking from a bong all
game with no danger of losing his place given how
abysmal Drexl was in The Pit.
Still a trier, but still lacking the finesse to
consistently finish his involvement with class via
a telling ball.
BROON - 6/10
Magnificent double-agenting as he took control of
the middle, and then later set up hellspawn Fergiehun
for the schadenfreude miss that could have killed the
game.
All in, the bhoy Broon has been our most consistent,
reliable midfielder for the past month; maybe we should
sign him...
CALMAC - 6.5/10
Well, it's the Calmac we knew, in bursts. Not the
game-managing metronome, more like the comical
gnome that sits in yer deceased grandma's garden
reminding you of better, sunny days, when the
world was a simpler, more joy-filled place;
A place where you pumped the huns 4-0 one week
then 5-0 the next for their cheek, to win cups
and leagues and...
Ah, fuck... Well, at least Calmac cared a bit
between disappearances, as we saw when he bust
a gut to catch time-hopping Hunskelper Jonny
Hayes.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6/10
Flattering to deceive more than impact, most of
the game. Yet that's possibly a product of the
current poisoned ecosystem he plays in.
When he is loosened up and focussed, he'll open
defences and maybe notch one himself - bad miss
then terrific feet could have been a double any
other season.
He'll be one carrying the weight of Great
Expectations under a new regime. He's old
enough to remember meeting Dickens anyway...
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 1/10
We're getting Corpus light until the end of
the season. If only he really had ascended
into heaven a couple of weeks back we'd be
spared the pseudo-interest and self-preservation
prancing around. He's not really bothered, so
don't you be either.
ELSHAGYONLASSIE - 1/10
Not as good at hide-and-seek as he thought he was
because JFK keeps finding him and playing him.
Celtic TV commentary refered to him as a 'cultured'
player. Maybe, if he comes from a cultural background
that has a myth about an invisible wage-thief.
But on 60 minutes - caught ye! No! Obviously Eddy was
the shiftless one...
Then... 93rd minute he leaps from behind the advertising
board, stand-side ('Damn, I knew it! Thought that's where
he was! Doh!' - JFK) and flights in the ball for Griff
to thumb home. So...there's yer 1. Out of 10...
FRENCH EDDY - 5.5/10
Remember what scoring a goal was like? A bit like when
he had a strike partner he could see now and then.
LOL, French Eddy hits a WTF? patch and they just won't
go in. Their keeper flukes acouple of fine saves with his
legs, and Eddy becomes the scapegoat for the fanbase's
angst.
The top scorer. Yeah. Not 'looking interested' enough
again, probably. The top scorer. In the country. In this
season of seasons; That's why he'll go, and we'll go nowhere,
realising we ultimately wasted his ability and the entire
reason he was bought for 9 million buckeroos (To PARTNER
Moussa, slow readers). Clue was in capitals.
SUBS:
GRIFF - 6.5/10
On with time to chat to the Dons defenders about how the
shaggin' was up there in case he transfers. Looked confused
when Considine simply replied, 'Baaaa...'.
Then, as is Griff's superpower - ladies... - he scores with
his last touch... Just as well, as his legs had gone.
ROGIC - N/A
Ambled around on a walkabout as if it were the outback.
Which it kind of is...
KARAOKE - N/A
Looks bigger, like he's been stuck in compost for being
cheeky and asking for a move. Give us more of him, and put
some interest into the final games.
JFK - 3/10
Dear God, the monotony. Of selection. Of ambition. Playing
it safe, JFK? He may have insisted everyone wore a condom,
too. Griff wasn't listening, fnarr-fnarr...
So what we got was a replication of Sunday's grimly fiendish
structure, and predictable outcomes - play stifled through
the middle, laborous width exploitation as idiot-backs lagged
where wingers were required, and a toiling striker outnumbered
and herded by experienced Sheep. More irony.
The like-for-like striker SWAP as we trailed 0-1 was the
facepalm of the season. Belter, JFK.
You don't get the Celtic job by setting teams up like
Craig Levein.
OVERALL - 4/10
The tension. A nerve-wracking trip up North to negotiate
as the curtain begins to fall upon the epic play that is
the pursuit of the TEN...
Or that's how it should have been.
Instead, we gaze on through duty, love, guilt and faith,
laden with a sickening blend of pathos, contempt, anger
and disgust.
The motions were thoroughly gone through in a game of
predictable ennui that could have ended up 3-3 but saw
us scrape a last-thumb equaliser. Deserved? Probably.
A big nothing burger of a game at Pittodrie with 4 left
in the season; when has such an empty contest ever been
the case? How did it come to this? Peter? Neil? Bhoys?
Expect new banners outside Celtic Park tonight:
"ANYBODY IN! FUCKING ANYBODY!"
Let's go for profile, controversy and headlines -
Mourinho in as director of football and the King Of Kings
in the hotseat; Yup, a grand 'fuck it' to the universe,
and let's get it on, with some madness.
However, back in actual reality...
20 points behind the undefeated Huns. With a last
chance in ten days' time to slay that particular mutant
of a record. Will the players be up for it?
Maybe, just for once this season, and for one last time
together as a collective, they will manage to play like...
Girls.
Because the Ghirls know how to get it done.
Congrats to the Celtic Chickas - that's how to wear the
Hoops with pride.
As for the humiliated, lackadasical men's squad, pick
up yer wages from the office and fu...
Go Away Now.
Sandman
"Yeah, well I'm thinking of knocking through the Beach End, maybe
get a hot tub in, wee bar and a dancefloor, games room wi' some
XBoxes so me an' Jonny Hayes can play Call Of Duty Dublin 1916..."
Scott Brown, when questioned on his plans for helping revamp the
Aberdeen set-up.
BANE - 6.5/10
Busy. More than usual, more than he expected, and more than Sunday.
Oh, the irony. Irony... Irony.. .So much this season it's been like
the final scene of the final episode of Cheers. (Some classic comedy
fans might see what I did there...).
But a smart bit of 'keeping kept us in it when unsighted, and some
good anticipation second-half helped foil their desire to kill the
game off. I'd keep the mad bastard for another spell.
JONJO O'NEILL - 5/10
They Shoot Horses Don't They? Great film, wrong sentiment -
shoot the jockeys. Agian, Jonjo looked competent - that
deceptive competence which makes him look a player until you
realise there's nothing much behind the appearance that marks
him as an exceptional full-back worthy of a Celtic jersey.
Because he belongs to Everton anyway. Why didn't our own
player, Tony R, get the gig tonight?
BITTON - 7/10 MOTM
Recovered from his January Mordor shame of being
red-carded when caught trying to hump a pig.
Tonight, well, he'll get my MOTM vote for two
things - first half, trying to pick a defence-splitting
pass down the inside-left channel for Elshag who'd
shown out of the ehter, turned and then stopped with
a can't-be-arsed shrug. As Nir popped the pass into
no-man's land, wathcing it run harmlessly through.
Making Nir look a pussy. But he gave it to the
indolent waster good - called him out with a mouthful,
and arm gestures basically telling him to get off his
fucking arse and make the run. Then Elshag vanished again.
Secondly - outstanding play of the game to deny the
Dons a tap-in at the back post for 2-0 ; somehow manages
to guide the ball out for a corner through the narrowest
of channels between striker and post as he slid in with
a last-gasp interception to save the jerseys. Brilliant
bit of defending.
RAQUEL - 6/10
'We're gonnae breed ye!' was the shout from locals bedazzled
by her beauty, holding aloft their prize ram as she alighted
the team triple-decker bus; a compliment around those parts,
I'm led to believe...
Well, it didn't go to her head, nor did it faze her -
another top-team notch on the experience belt and another
mostly faultless, assured step towards regular involvement
when the revolution comes.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6/10
Currently in a no-lose situation as he could have
staggered around giggling, sucking from a bong all
game with no danger of losing his place given how
abysmal Drexl was in The Pit.
Still a trier, but still lacking the finesse to
consistently finish his involvement with class via
a telling ball.
BROON - 6/10
Magnificent double-agenting as he took control of
the middle, and then later set up hellspawn Fergiehun
for the schadenfreude miss that could have killed the
game.
All in, the bhoy Broon has been our most consistent,
reliable midfielder for the past month; maybe we should
sign him...
CALMAC - 6.5/10
Well, it's the Calmac we knew, in bursts. Not the
game-managing metronome, more like the comical
gnome that sits in yer deceased grandma's garden
reminding you of better, sunny days, when the
world was a simpler, more joy-filled place;
A place where you pumped the huns 4-0 one week
then 5-0 the next for their cheek, to win cups
and leagues and...
Ah, fuck... Well, at least Calmac cared a bit
between disappearances, as we saw when he bust
a gut to catch time-hopping Hunskelper Jonny
Hayes.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6/10
Flattering to deceive more than impact, most of
the game. Yet that's possibly a product of the
current poisoned ecosystem he plays in.
When he is loosened up and focussed, he'll open
defences and maybe notch one himself - bad miss
then terrific feet could have been a double any
other season.
He'll be one carrying the weight of Great
Expectations under a new regime. He's old
enough to remember meeting Dickens anyway...
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 1/10
We're getting Corpus light until the end of
the season. If only he really had ascended
into heaven a couple of weeks back we'd be
spared the pseudo-interest and self-preservation
prancing around. He's not really bothered, so
don't you be either.
ELSHAGYONLASSIE - 1/10
Not as good at hide-and-seek as he thought he was
because JFK keeps finding him and playing him.
Celtic TV commentary refered to him as a 'cultured'
player. Maybe, if he comes from a cultural background
that has a myth about an invisible wage-thief.
But on 60 minutes - caught ye! No! Obviously Eddy was
the shiftless one...
Then... 93rd minute he leaps from behind the advertising
board, stand-side ('Damn, I knew it! Thought that's where
he was! Doh!' - JFK) and flights in the ball for Griff
to thumb home. So...there's yer 1. Out of 10...
FRENCH EDDY - 5.5/10
Remember what scoring a goal was like? A bit like when
he had a strike partner he could see now and then.
LOL, French Eddy hits a WTF? patch and they just won't
go in. Their keeper flukes acouple of fine saves with his
legs, and Eddy becomes the scapegoat for the fanbase's
angst.
The top scorer. Yeah. Not 'looking interested' enough
again, probably. The top scorer. In the country. In this
season of seasons; That's why he'll go, and we'll go nowhere,
realising we ultimately wasted his ability and the entire
reason he was bought for 9 million buckeroos (To PARTNER
Moussa, slow readers). Clue was in capitals.
SUBS:
GRIFF - 6.5/10
On with time to chat to the Dons defenders about how the
shaggin' was up there in case he transfers. Looked confused
when Considine simply replied, 'Baaaa...'.
Then, as is Griff's superpower - ladies... - he scores with
his last touch... Just as well, as his legs had gone.
ROGIC - N/A
Ambled around on a walkabout as if it were the outback.
Which it kind of is...
KARAOKE - N/A
Looks bigger, like he's been stuck in compost for being
cheeky and asking for a move. Give us more of him, and put
some interest into the final games.
JFK - 3/10
Dear God, the monotony. Of selection. Of ambition. Playing
it safe, JFK? He may have insisted everyone wore a condom,
too. Griff wasn't listening, fnarr-fnarr...
So what we got was a replication of Sunday's grimly fiendish
structure, and predictable outcomes - play stifled through
the middle, laborous width exploitation as idiot-backs lagged
where wingers were required, and a toiling striker outnumbered
and herded by experienced Sheep. More irony.
The like-for-like striker SWAP as we trailed 0-1 was the
facepalm of the season. Belter, JFK.
You don't get the Celtic job by setting teams up like
Craig Levein.
OVERALL - 4/10
The tension. A nerve-wracking trip up North to negotiate
as the curtain begins to fall upon the epic play that is
the pursuit of the TEN...
Or that's how it should have been.
Instead, we gaze on through duty, love, guilt and faith,
laden with a sickening blend of pathos, contempt, anger
and disgust.
The motions were thoroughly gone through in a game of
predictable ennui that could have ended up 3-3 but saw
us scrape a last-thumb equaliser. Deserved? Probably.
A big nothing burger of a game at Pittodrie with 4 left
in the season; when has such an empty contest ever been
the case? How did it come to this? Peter? Neil? Bhoys?
Expect new banners outside Celtic Park tonight:
"ANYBODY IN! FUCKING ANYBODY!"
Let's go for profile, controversy and headlines -
Mourinho in as director of football and the King Of Kings
in the hotseat; Yup, a grand 'fuck it' to the universe,
and let's get it on, with some madness.
However, back in actual reality...
20 points behind the undefeated Huns. With a last
chance in ten days' time to slay that particular mutant
of a record. Will the players be up for it?
Maybe, just for once this season, and for one last time
together as a collective, they will manage to play like...
Girls.
Because the Ghirls know how to get it done.
Congrats to the Celtic Chickas - that's how to wear the
Hoops with pride.
As for the humiliated, lackadasical men's squad, pick
up yer wages from the office and fu...
Go Away Now.
Sandman
