SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ EICHMANN'S ALLOTMENT

Sandman

Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ EICHMANN'S ALLOTMENT



"The KKK Took My Baby Away"

Colombia's surprise Xmas No.1, remix of Ramones classic
featuring vocals by Martha Ines Avilez Morelos...



"First to old London town to finish the Prince of Darkness
and seal him in his coffin forever. Then louring Glasgow
on the Clyde to slay a resurrected army of darkness. Twas
a weekend of gravest purpose for Abraham Van Helsing..."

Bram Stoker.



"Man Has Drink And Gets Drunk!"

Brave Scottish media hacks expose Neil Lennon's tut-tutting,
sweetie-wifie-triggering, scandalous behaviour.





BANE - 6/10

"The darkness. You think it is your ally? I was born in it,
molded by it," he growled in defiance of the stench emanating
from the rotting hulk around him.

Those crumbling stands, though empty, poured down upon the
pitch a sibilant lament of a million dead Huns, metaphysical
echoes of hate and sectarian bile, of racist curses and monkey
jibes from the world's most loathsome cheeky monkeys.

And the master villain turned hapless goaltender as the first
flaffed past him and then a second born of betrayal by his two
full-back henchmen.

That aside, little business his way apart from need to snaffle
an Alfie passback second period. Bane still remains the second-best
footballer in the defence...


JONJO O'NEILL - 3/10

Horses for courses they say. Well, he fell at the first hurdle
last time out in the Donkey Derby, so today we looked for clean
jumping. Sadly, he should have been shot at Aintree. Where he
should be sent next month.
Career advice: Jockey.


DREXL - 2/10

Send a ghetto-gangsta into Scotland's worst ghetto to dish out
some discipline; Makes sense. Then he spent his brief time on
the park looking completely confused and rolling about like he
was dodging bullets: "They got everything here from a diddled-eyed
Joe to danged if I know." Hooked at half-time. 45 minutes too late.
Career advice: Pimp.




RAQUEL - 5/10

Far too pretty for the surroundings, yet so experienced with
dinosaurs and neolithic civilisations, also perfectly at home.

There's a sign at the Celtic Academy that reads: 'Kick the ball
INTO their goal, and AWAY from OUR goal.'

Sadly, the kid's only memorized half of that. Yet had the mettle
to recover composure after his quick impression of our forward
line.

Career Advice: Nascent Celtic centre-back.



AJER - 6.5/10 MOTM

Burn, rape, pillage! The viking mantra we dearly wish to see
fully implemented in the Garden Of Sodom. He tried. Carrying
the burden of defensive stalwart AND midfield agressor, he did
as he has done for nine months and gave it his all.

Popped up in their box, also popped a shoulder; returned to the
fray where others would've seized on the chance to pussy-out.

Career Advice: Jump this sinking ship. Or stay and captain it.


BROON - 6/10

The swansong is upon us. Death or glory. Legs gone by the hour,
run ragged as he stood solo upon the burning deck. Yet...

WHO was the one crunching into the first tackle of the second
half to set up Eddie T from range? WHO was the one cruching
into a tackle and winning the free-kick on the edge of their
box that led to the penalty with ten minutes left?

Scott Fucking Broon; The man who questionably shouldn't have
started or been anywhere near the action with ten to go.
Battling to the bitter end as his last chance of silverware
was squandered by the impostors in Hoops around him.
Broon, shaming them all.

Career Advice: Hunskelping Sheep Legend-in-waiting.


CALMAC - 4/10

From Hun matchwinner to... Hun matchwinner? Calmac's legacy
this season will be to shade Kent as their most dangerous
player against us. Gifting them the ball on a few ocassions,
briefly appearing in vintage style to ignite our first-half
flurry.
But overall, this is Calmac playing from memory, and it's
like he's wandered out the care home in search of Vera Lynn.

Career advice - Leicester squad player.



CORPUS CHRISTIE - 2/10

Being sent into actual purgatory was a shocker for him.
But he overcame his existential terror to enjoy a fun
game of hide and seek with his buddy Moi. He won, seeing
out the 90. Like a shiftless cunt.

Career Advcie: Listen to yer Da.



EDDIE TURNBULL - 5.5/10

He's old and he is beautiful, and his colours they are
fine. Green and white he's wearing still, and he'll fuck
your orange party time. Or so the song goes...

But he didn't, ironically defied by a colourful rapist in
orange - 28/1 Eddie T to score from outside the box
and that deranged sex pest had to be in top form...

This Eddie cetainly looked more than capable but our
inflexible malfunctioning tactics left him too short of
involvement, and us experiencing excruciating frustration.

Career advice: Celtic attacking pivot.


ELSHAGYONLASSIE - 1/10

The great enigma. Smooth class top bhoy, or shyster, hiding
bastard who only does it when the pressure's off?

Guess what...

Today, a vestigal presence that took a half-time call to
Ghostbusters to flush out. Whereby he actually created a
chance, then reverted to shitebaggery to stagger like a
Lennony in a Carlisle pub when presented with an absolute
sitter as French Eddy returned the favour.

Looked disgruntled when spotted and subbed, thereby
losing the hide-and-seek challenge to Corpus. Hopefully
this effort will discourage those among us with a homoerotic
crush on him just because he can savage the mighty Hamilton
and Livi. He may look like Commodus, but he's more a christian
to the lions than emperor.

Career Advice: Hide-and-seek world champion in the making.



FRENCH EDDY - 4/10

Isolated all season, smashed by covid, frequently accused of
wearing the all-important wrong facial expression when the
incompetents around him were chucking the title, yet...
STILL manages to be top scorer in the country, way beyond the
lauded Quatermass Experiment in Slaver Empire Blue. Go figure
that. Go estimate what could have been...

What a waste of his talent this campaign has been. What a
slaughtering he'll get tonight for his impact on this game.

Yet, he DID have an impact. And he DID actually appear on
telly. And yes, he DID fuck it up, majorly.

But you saw him. Yet again, toiling alone, looking deflated.
Even tried to get us on par with one marvellous attempt at
a 'fancy' which, as every kid who ever played 'heiders and
volleys' in the schoolyard will know count DOUBLE.
Then he set up the invisible man, made and missed a penalty.

Please note this - Eddy at his most dangerous is advancing from
an old inside-forward Bobby Lennox positons, deeper, collecting,
timing, turning, running at them, with a STRIKE PARTNER to play
off and create that space for him - THAT'S how the fluid, dynamic
kid was coached all his promising youth, developed by top French
technicians.
And he comes here and lights it up, and then we try to turn him
into Crawford Fucking Baptie.

And the support screech at him, even though they surely can read?
Surely the stats tell a story of abject negligence and utter failure
to capitalize on his talent?

Nah, let's all scapegoat the best player we've got until he fucks
off. Jesus wept.

Career Advice: Big Euro side, full French international; cos he's
'too lazy' for Celtic.


SUBS:

GREGGS THE BAKER - 5/10

Spent much of his time considering where to put his bakery
concession in the layout of this future retail park. Final
ball still had the quality of Friday's sausage rolls.


THE YETI -N/A

Enjoyed a jog across the pitch to stretch the legs.


GRIFF - N/A

Tired, but happy to settle for a point.




JFK - 3/10

Go pump them 7-0, we said. Eh, naw.
Go play a duo up front and terrorize them, we said. Eh, naw.
Go play like we have been all season and chuck it, we didn't say.
Aye.
Go start as impotent as Alan Carr in a harem, we didn't say.
Aye.
Go press them like Prince Philip trying to prise up the coffin lid,
we didn't say.
Aye.

Fuck up. Sleep. Repeat. Fuck up. Sleep. Repeat.
So long, JFK. The last chance saloon just stopped your tab.

As for the suitors...

First rule of being offered the Celtic manager's job:
You do not 'wait to see.'
Second Rule of being offered the Celtic manager's job:
You do not 'weigh up options.'
Third Rule of being offered the celtic manager's job:
You take it.



OVERALL - 3/10

So Celtic crossed the River Styx once more to walk in the
footsteps of Odysseus and the souls of the dead came swarming
up. We brought our own Achilles to this underworld in captain
Broon, unhappy with his lot, seeking vengeance for the early
death of his dream of TEN.

And the curse of that TEN season perpetuates; the return of
The Flash gave us hope, but it turned out to be just that -
a flash of optimism before Jamesy disappeared from the
teamsheet again quicker than a boaby dipped in an empty
pint glass.

The law of averages defies the current reality. Or vice versa.
At some point the real Celtic had to turn up this season.
At some point the witchcraft would fail the dastardly Hun,
and at some point Bobby Madden... No. No, he's still a
prick...

And you have to give it to Bobby - up all night fucking goats
to generate enough sex magik to sabotage Jamesy's fitness test,
yet he still finds time to prance around his dream palace chasing
after his crush, Kamp Kapo Kent, wearing Anne Summers frillies
under his regulation kit and brandishing cards at anyone who
brushes shoulders with the rancid wee cunt.

We played from the start with a defeated sense of dread - the
demeanour of Lenny Henry, who's been called to the palace to
'comfort' the Queen. A malfunctioning Celtic side that still created
enough chances to gub them despite being generally piss poor.

CL automatic qualification for next season's champions should spark
the stupefied suits into life. Gut it to the bones. Go spend, go get,
go build, go win.



Go Away Now.


Sandman
 
Last edited:
Very generous with some of those scores, ajar MOTM? did you see the way he hung laxit out to dry for their goal? WGS was livid at half time with him, turnbull would be the ONLY person that got pass marks, the rest should hang their heads in shame....although I donā€™t think they care anymore šŸ˜”
 
Very generous with some of those scores, ajar MOTM? did you see the way he hung laxit out to dry for their goal? WGS was livid at half time with him, turnbull would be the ONLY person that got pass marks, the rest should hang their heads in shame....although I donā€™t think they care anymore šŸ˜”

Agree - some 'generous' scores allocated - must be the tears from Phil the Flutes funeral that obscured the view of the Sandman .

Eddie was a contender for a minus ( but so were so many others ) .

But appreciate the effort , Sandman .

HH
 

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