Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ FLIPPINHECK
"You get in there, you get the job done and you get
the hell out"
- Tom Petty.
VINDALOO - 5/10
As much expected, about the sum of zip times fuck-all
to do; but when he was called into action in a brief
flurry, he looked a bit shaky, throwing misplaced punches
like Gazza swinging for Sheryl after a bottle of white
spirits.
MELLOW YELLOW - 5.5/10
Clumsy at times, overhitting crosses, getting in the way.
However, he was trusted enough to play out of position
and gave it his best shot against their trickiest player.
TONY THE TIGER - 6.5/10
The bold Tony sees no difference between village hillbillies
or euro-sophisticats. He'll give his all for the jersey and
stuck out tonight as one of our better performers,
setting up the first after a trademark overlap, might
have scored himself with that proud fenian heid if the
cross hadn't been a fraction behind him. Solid shift
from The Brickie.
GREAT - 5/10
Not a lot for the big raw youth to compete with; most
of his time spent following positional instruction,
keeping the back door shut and concentrating on his
passing.
RAQUEL - 6/10
Who? Whit?! In a shock decision, the boss decides to
recall and throw in the glamour to bedazzle the Shire
Folk, utilising Raquel's movie-star pedigree to let the
bumpkins know the class of what they were up against.
And this was a satisfactory return to the Hoops, notable
for the quality of his passing. Is this new Raquel romance
going to be a rekindled affair, or a ship passing in the
night?
CALMAC - 5/10
The skipper looked a bit bored, to be honest. A functional
outing, tuning his fitness and focus for the upcoming
mega-matches. Wasn't required to do much other than
prompt and prod and make sure there were no aberrations.
SAINT BERNARDO - 5/10
He, too, had the air of someone with better things to do.
Sat pretty deep beside Calmac - maybe too much so.
Forayed among their tight lines for a while as we pushed
them back into a low block, but to no great avail.
HIGHLAND TOFFEE - 6/10
Luke was Luke-ing good all first-half; our most inventive
and at his useful sharp best. Expected he'd be the one to
bury them after the break, but the wing-switch backfired
and he couldn't regain his swagger.
BALIKMORY - 4.5/10
Well, y'know... He was there, kind of, for his big starting
opportunity. Congrats must be given on making it into the
starting eleven after stowing-away in the kit hamper to get
on the bus.
Maybe if he'd not skied the sitter and found a bit of
aggression to outwit his stifling markers in that number-10
position I'd have more to say than... Meh.
KENNY JOHNNY - 6/10
What a touch he's got... Fucking shocking until he notched
that poacher's poke. That boosted him a bit. Scored a fine
second the MIBs contrived to rob him of, and generally
managed to make himself a bit of a nuisance. Still never
a Celtic centre-forward, though.
JAMESY - 7/10 MOTM
You can't keep a good South Ayrshire Bhoy down - and you
certainly can't keep Jamesy down, right girls? - when
there's a scrap against one of the North Ayrshire villages
of the damned.
It's said that half the weans in Auchinleck screech 'Daddy!'
when Jamesy appears on the toon's municipal 'big telly',
mounted in the square besdie the crucifixion gallows.
And when he got on the ball tonight, Jamesy gave the
menfolk as much trouble as he does their wimmen; he
was right at it, leading them a merry dance as his
team mates preened and pranced. Hail-hail the Prestwick
Pele.
SUBS -
OF JUSTICE - N/A
A stroll for Liam, pitched in there to antagonise the
hardcore Huns in the stands.
TUTANKHAMUN - 6/10
Well, that was a sizzler. Finally settling minor nervous
issues as the clock ticked down on a narrow lead with a
step-inside-my-parlour moment, losing a tired fullback
and whipping a beauty across a despairing keeper to strike
the knockout blow.
FEIN - N/A
Late on, big chance, fell over.
HAKUNA HATATE - N/A
They'd never seen a Japanese in the flesh before,
so Martin indulged in some late show-and-tell with
Reo and Shin.
NYLON -N/A
How does he do it? His - only? - outstanding attribute
almost shines again in his sparse minutes on the park,
denied yet another goal by a decent save.
FATHER MARTIN AND SAMWISE GANGEE - 6.5/10
Load of changes for the start of a tough week. Nobody's
old fool, is the boss - wary of silicone-titty pitches
and barbarian warriors from the netherlands of
civilisation he took a reasonably cautious approach
replacing like-for-like with a couple of youngsters in
to test their mettle, and ultimately got the job done.
MIBBERY - 5/10
They're now drawing lines from Johnny Kenny's oversized
heid in order to keep the score tight in a cup-tie, and
blanking clear follow-through fouls in the box with
raised studs because Jamesy's getting crosses in.
But, alas, the cigar box stayed shut.
I revel in their anguish.
OVERALL - 6/10
Auchinleck, Ayrshire Hun-hole known worldwide since 1970
after Deliverance director John Boorman visited on a
location-scouting and casting trip and left quickly, declaring
in a telegram back to Hollywood: 'Aesthetically gruesome beyond
my imaginings. Will never achieve less than 'XXX' certification
if filming takes place there.'
Mercifully we were spared John's horror. Deemed too pretty to
expose the locals to, Celtic were re-directed to another midden
- Rugger-Bugger Park in the equally grim North Ayrshire Chernobyl
twin-town of 'Killie'. Or 'Murderville'.
So we took on the evolutionally-challenged like men and, to be
frank, got through a tedious mismatch with minimal fuss. It panned
out like a training session of attack-v-defence for the most part,
and credit to the organised Auchinleck rearguard for some sterling
work that eclipsed many an SPL backline's efforts.
My cup-romance sympthies end there, of course, and never really
started since the good Huns of Talbot unfurled Butcher's Aprons
before kick-off, declaring how much they treasured being part
of Little England...
So, a low hurdle of sorts cleared without injury or upset and
two major ones looming. Let's shake off the ennui and get fired
up with the energy - there's season-defining contests ahoy!
Go Away Now
Sandman
"You get in there, you get the job done and you get
the hell out"
- Tom Petty.
VINDALOO - 5/10
As much expected, about the sum of zip times fuck-all
to do; but when he was called into action in a brief
flurry, he looked a bit shaky, throwing misplaced punches
like Gazza swinging for Sheryl after a bottle of white
spirits.
MELLOW YELLOW - 5.5/10
Clumsy at times, overhitting crosses, getting in the way.
However, he was trusted enough to play out of position
and gave it his best shot against their trickiest player.
TONY THE TIGER - 6.5/10
The bold Tony sees no difference between village hillbillies
or euro-sophisticats. He'll give his all for the jersey and
stuck out tonight as one of our better performers,
setting up the first after a trademark overlap, might
have scored himself with that proud fenian heid if the
cross hadn't been a fraction behind him. Solid shift
from The Brickie.
GREAT - 5/10
Not a lot for the big raw youth to compete with; most
of his time spent following positional instruction,
keeping the back door shut and concentrating on his
passing.
RAQUEL - 6/10
Who? Whit?! In a shock decision, the boss decides to
recall and throw in the glamour to bedazzle the Shire
Folk, utilising Raquel's movie-star pedigree to let the
bumpkins know the class of what they were up against.
And this was a satisfactory return to the Hoops, notable
for the quality of his passing. Is this new Raquel romance
going to be a rekindled affair, or a ship passing in the
night?
CALMAC - 5/10
The skipper looked a bit bored, to be honest. A functional
outing, tuning his fitness and focus for the upcoming
mega-matches. Wasn't required to do much other than
prompt and prod and make sure there were no aberrations.
SAINT BERNARDO - 5/10
He, too, had the air of someone with better things to do.
Sat pretty deep beside Calmac - maybe too much so.
Forayed among their tight lines for a while as we pushed
them back into a low block, but to no great avail.
HIGHLAND TOFFEE - 6/10
Luke was Luke-ing good all first-half; our most inventive
and at his useful sharp best. Expected he'd be the one to
bury them after the break, but the wing-switch backfired
and he couldn't regain his swagger.
BALIKMORY - 4.5/10
Well, y'know... He was there, kind of, for his big starting
opportunity. Congrats must be given on making it into the
starting eleven after stowing-away in the kit hamper to get
on the bus.
Maybe if he'd not skied the sitter and found a bit of
aggression to outwit his stifling markers in that number-10
position I'd have more to say than... Meh.
KENNY JOHNNY - 6/10
What a touch he's got... Fucking shocking until he notched
that poacher's poke. That boosted him a bit. Scored a fine
second the MIBs contrived to rob him of, and generally
managed to make himself a bit of a nuisance. Still never
a Celtic centre-forward, though.
JAMESY - 7/10 MOTM
You can't keep a good South Ayrshire Bhoy down - and you
certainly can't keep Jamesy down, right girls? - when
there's a scrap against one of the North Ayrshire villages
of the damned.
It's said that half the weans in Auchinleck screech 'Daddy!'
when Jamesy appears on the toon's municipal 'big telly',
mounted in the square besdie the crucifixion gallows.
And when he got on the ball tonight, Jamesy gave the
menfolk as much trouble as he does their wimmen; he
was right at it, leading them a merry dance as his
team mates preened and pranced. Hail-hail the Prestwick
Pele.
SUBS -
OF JUSTICE - N/A
A stroll for Liam, pitched in there to antagonise the
hardcore Huns in the stands.
TUTANKHAMUN - 6/10
Well, that was a sizzler. Finally settling minor nervous
issues as the clock ticked down on a narrow lead with a
step-inside-my-parlour moment, losing a tired fullback
and whipping a beauty across a despairing keeper to strike
the knockout blow.
FEIN - N/A
Late on, big chance, fell over.
HAKUNA HATATE - N/A
They'd never seen a Japanese in the flesh before,
so Martin indulged in some late show-and-tell with
Reo and Shin.
NYLON -N/A
How does he do it? His - only? - outstanding attribute
almost shines again in his sparse minutes on the park,
denied yet another goal by a decent save.
FATHER MARTIN AND SAMWISE GANGEE - 6.5/10
Load of changes for the start of a tough week. Nobody's
old fool, is the boss - wary of silicone-titty pitches
and barbarian warriors from the netherlands of
civilisation he took a reasonably cautious approach
replacing like-for-like with a couple of youngsters in
to test their mettle, and ultimately got the job done.
MIBBERY - 5/10
They're now drawing lines from Johnny Kenny's oversized
heid in order to keep the score tight in a cup-tie, and
blanking clear follow-through fouls in the box with
raised studs because Jamesy's getting crosses in.
But, alas, the cigar box stayed shut.
I revel in their anguish.
OVERALL - 6/10
Auchinleck, Ayrshire Hun-hole known worldwide since 1970
after Deliverance director John Boorman visited on a
location-scouting and casting trip and left quickly, declaring
in a telegram back to Hollywood: 'Aesthetically gruesome beyond
my imaginings. Will never achieve less than 'XXX' certification
if filming takes place there.'
Mercifully we were spared John's horror. Deemed too pretty to
expose the locals to, Celtic were re-directed to another midden
- Rugger-Bugger Park in the equally grim North Ayrshire Chernobyl
twin-town of 'Killie'. Or 'Murderville'.
So we took on the evolutionally-challenged like men and, to be
frank, got through a tedious mismatch with minimal fuss. It panned
out like a training session of attack-v-defence for the most part,
and credit to the organised Auchinleck rearguard for some sterling
work that eclipsed many an SPL backline's efforts.
My cup-romance sympthies end there, of course, and never really
started since the good Huns of Talbot unfurled Butcher's Aprons
before kick-off, declaring how much they treasured being part
of Little England...
So, a low hurdle of sorts cleared without injury or upset and
two major ones looming. Let's shake off the ennui and get fired
up with the energy - there's season-defining contests ahoy!
Go Away Now
Sandman
