SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ HELEN MIRREN'S GAFF

Sandman

Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ HELEN MIRREN'S GAFF


"God Save The Queen.
Of the fascist regime.
They made you a moron..."

- John Lydon, prophet.




ROXIE - 6/10 MOTM

Might have thought Joe would be fazed being the only
Englishman in Paisley but, on the contrary, as it's
twinned with Moss Side in Manchester he was nostalgic
for the sharp crack of nearby gunfire and the teasing
aroma of Sunday lunchtime crackpipes drifting on the
light breeze.

Memories of 'Citeh' triumphs kept him occupied while
we played the game up the other end of the park but
suddenly out of nowhere Joe also gets reminded of what
it was like to be in nets for England in the World Cup
Finals - Bam! Bam! And you're two down to shite...

Sums up the game when you give the keeper MOTM for a
flawless outfield display, including the deft touch
of the game as he pulled down a high long ball under
pressure in the middle of our half.



GREGGS THE BAKER - 5.5/10

Thought Greggs was decent for long spells, but like a
sausage roll left on the shelf too long he grew cold
and uninspiring, unable to make his industry count
beyond ball retention.



BIG MERCEDES - 5.5/10

Toughed it out against their physical threats up front
and may have come out the victor but for lack of support,
and failed to win headers at vital moments - their second,
and a big chance for him to get or create something from
one of our corners



RAQUEL - 3/10

Sorry kid, but pretty doesn't cut it in Paisley where,
on any given weekend night down the bars, you'd think
the Baskervilles had left the kennel doors open again.

Bullied too much by enthusiastic journeymen, stupidly
expected the MIB to award a foul on their second goal
when he threw himself forward; pushed a tad, maybe,
but you're a Celtic defender in a struggle - you know
the script. Get tight, get physical, fight your corner.



TONY THE TIGER - 5/10

At it but not at it. The ubiquitous Tony committment was
evident, trouble was the finesse he'd added through last
season wasn't at the party. Failed to make his usual
impact as he couldn't find a cross in the Vatican.



CALMAC - 5.5/10

Skipper worn through with his incredible consistency
looked around for vibrant Hoops to gel with, to lift
the game but was met with a wall of grey and a deeper,
higher wall of monotone candystripers.

Despite his higher start, he couldn't find any
penetration and spent the 90 understanding daily
issues in the Morelos marital bed.



EDDIE TURNBULL - 3.5/10

Stop. Check. Twist. turn away, lay it off. Nah, that's
all very well when your zimmer hasn't been oiled but
when you're given the role of Celtic creative against
St.Boo away, you should know you've got to produce.



MOOEY - 4/10

Broony tribute meets with poor reviews in Paisley;
Local rag headline most likely. Mooey was comfortable
for a while but flagged the incoming catastrophe
sometime round the half hour when comfort turned to
careless as he gifted the ball away and they sprung a
fast counter.

Uh-oh, I thought, but nobody in stupid grey hoodoo kit
was listening. Or reading my mind...



LORD KATSUMOTO - 3/10

Horrible experience for him as he believed a prank was
being played and they'd brought him to a Hiroshima
Theme Park. Couldn't find his touch for fear of radiation
poisoning and appeared disturbed by the realisation those
weren't mutant masks the locals were wearing.



MR.KOBAYASHI - 3/10

"What did it look like?" asked Kyogo of Paisley after
spending the entire game lost in a forest of giant, stoic
NFL umpires that even his electric movement did not faze.



ABADASS - 5.5/10

The Israeli lightning bolt gave it his best and looked our
most likely all first half. But the low defensive block was
not in his favour and he ended up charging into cul-de-sacs.





SUBS -


NOTEBOOK - 4/10

Not you too? Here comes the pain, they thought as the
Young Gun appeared for the second 45. But the pain was
ours - in the arse as even Portuguese glamour failed to
overcome Paisley prosaic.



HACKY SACK - 5.5/10

At least we got some life about us when he went at it and
provided creative moments, including a great whipped
ball for Jota to screw up.

Also prepared to fight anyone for the casue - opposition,
ball boys and any of Jim Henson's workshop populating
the home stand.


HAKUNA HATATE - 5/10

No Japanese were spared the ritual Paisley punishment,
although Reo appeared most likely to create something
useful.


THE BUILDER - N/A

Too little, too late, probably the man we missed most from
the start who could have provided the guile required to open
the box. Keep him away from London tomorrow. Or not...


SON OF JACKIE - N/A

Even his Da didn't score in Paisley. Another who might have
expected a start to give their concrete pillars at the back
a physical challenge.





ANITA DOBSON - 4/10

One job to do before a recuperative brerak and respite
from the intensity - to stop the Green Brigade reducing
Jeremy Kyle to tears.

Nah, the other big job - three points and home safe for
Popcorn Monday.

Ange loves the Queen of England as much as the next man -
if you're standing next to James Connolly - and the gloom
spreading over this blighted land from the tortured psyches
of boot-licking supplicants finally hit the big mhan.

A team selection that appeared unconvincing given our
history of follies in Paisley - an unforgiving place for
many Celtic managers as even Ange found out last Xmas.

So it was that he unusually faltered, going full Mowbray
second-half but unable to wrangle anything from his
subdued charges.



MIBBERY - 6/10

His eyes were red - not from such an early kick-off rousing
him from sleeping off the night's Blue Wicked, but with the
intermittent greetin' that's afflicted all MIBs, Huns and
brainwashed multitudes this past 10 days...

That's right, it was International Literacy Day back on
the 8th and all the big words flying about had them bawling -
like 'expiraton', 'euthanasia', 'succession' 'reptilian',
'inter-dimensional-vampiric-gorgon', 'cannibalism',
'Mephistopheles', 'possession' ... And 'exorcist'.

So to today's learning experience - Don wore a look of
surprise most of the game; slightly more surprised than
you, as something akin to lottery numbers came up for Huns
everywhere.

Though VAR would have cut his joy in half, the bizarre
story of the day is that he and his priapic linesmen didn't
even have to invoke Aleister Crowley for this diabolical
result to occur.



OVERALL - 3/10

With Baldrick in the opposing dugout you always knew they
would employ Time Team tactics and make like ballboys in
a Gough encounter, with backs-to-the-wall from the first
whistle.

We thought that resistance would only last until a few
seconds after the impeccably observed minute's applause
by 80,000 at Wembley for Freddie Mercury was piped through
St.Midden's mobile DJ equipment.

So while the headline writers set about brushing their
tugged forelock hairs off their tear-soaked ipads, the
Hoops got to work... Or, rather, didn't.

What a turgid, lacklustre effort, lacking purpose or
Celtic soul. The ghost of Paisley past revisited once
more as we played with the intensity and verve of a
100-mile queue in London to see an empty box.

The curse of the shite change strip struck yet again and
if you happened to have a hangover, good luck telling the
teams apart; because the football wouldn't help.

A year on from the Livingston Horror, Ange loses his first
domestic game with a performance that was probably
worse than the Livi one where we at least started like we
meant business.

Let's hope it's a Xmas moment, and it'll be (at least)
another year before our eyes bleed like this again.

The only positive we can take from that anomaly in the
Matrix is that it'll send gibbering loyalist Huns falling
cry-wanking to the floor even harder than tomorrow will.
Small victories an' that...




Go Away Now


Sandman
 

Lubos left peg

Well-known member
I reckon you could take 2 points from every player sandman. You're being far to generous. And I wouldnt give any of them MOTM. Especially Hart. Who should have commanded his box better. The ball was in the air long enough for him to do something about it as Welsh held on for dear life at their 2nd.
It's also days like this where, rather than making excuses for Calmac you should be tearing him a new one. HE has to be the one, as captain, that forces the players around him to up their levels. He can't just look around hoping for them to play...

But as always, great read!!! If not depressing
 

Brimcbhoy

Well-known member
RAQUEL - 3/10

Sorry kid, but pretty doesn't cut it in Paisley where,
on any given weekend night down the bars, you'd think
the Baskervilles had left the kennel doors open again.

Bullied too much by enthusiastic journeymen, stupidly
expected the MIB to award a foul on their second goal
when he threw himself forward; pushed a tad, maybe,
but you're a Celtic defender in a struggle - you know
the script. Get tight, get physical, fight your corner.
So true.
 

Brimcbhoy

Well-known member
MOOEY - 4/10

Broony tribute meets with poor reviews in Paisley;
Local rag headline most likely. Mooey was comfortable
for a while but flagged the incoming catastrophe
sometime round the half hour when comfort turned to
careless as he gifted the ball away and they sprung a
fast counter.

Uh-oh, I thought, but nobody in stupid grey hoodoo kit
was listening. Or reading my mind...
journey man fits the description. Looks like hes playing for the wage, nothing more, never a Celtic man, never will be.
 

Brimcbhoy

Well-known member
An another thing, ive always found you learn more from your mistakes than your successes, so if you're going to lose a game, do it when you're 5 points clear, we're still top. Ange will have learned from this, make no mistake about it. I can see some changes in the offing, Harts not the least.
 
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