Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ LASAGNE
"Heroism is endurance for one moment more."
- George F. Kennan
THE FRIENDLY GHOST - 8/10
Made for him. All the experience and nous required to
get us through the test of the season; pulled off some
terrific stops, batting one away late on with a
contemptuous fist like Lego Thanos, "Fuck off!".
No chance with the goals, particularly the second which
was the only time his bodyguards let him down by leaving
inviting spaces.
Kasper will have relished this one, moreso for his own
measure with the World Cup on the horizon - does he
still have it to face up to the intensity at top level?
Yes. Definitively. Haters gonna seethe.
KATIE - 7.5/10
A dogged marvel, he's become. Injury has taken its toll over
the years and this KT is not the burling dynamic bhoy of his
youth.
But his time at the top has stiffened his resolve for stringent
examinations of his overall capabilities like tonight. To be
honest, it looked dire as their trickiest customer with the
acceleration of a coked-up cheetah found a lot of early joy
down KT's wing.
But he didn't fold. He got to grips, got closer, used his
wits. Second-half he tucked in with the centre backs when
Bolt Junior went central, and joined in the Spartan heroics.
OF JUSTICE - 8.5/10
The Wicklow Wonder, the Banrdarigg Beckenbauer, the Ginger
Baresi - all fanciful nomenclatures bestowed with no little
irony... But Liam continues to have the last laugh by living
up to those hallowed titles with performances like this.
Nary a foot put wrong when one inch out of synch would invite
disaster. If you can't see the acute positional instinct of
the much-maligned Irish underdog in matches such as these
then you best go back to your Playstation FIFA and Pornhub
subscription because the rigours of the real thing ain't for
you, Smokey.
Liam laser-focussed and sometimes prophetic, a phenomenal
exhibition of calm under pressure and incisive intervention.
CRUSTY THE CLOWN - 9.5/10 MOTM
There's not much more you can do as a defender at this level
bar stud the Hunbaby Ferguson tastily enough so it leaves a
mark. And you get your perfect 10/10...
But leaving that one error adise, let's all remember the
stoical awesomeness of the big Yank's 95 minutes of thunderous
defensive magnificence and attacking valour. Arse, baws and
heid kept them out, and his big toe won a point.
Let's also remember, Brendanistas, who had isolated him earlier
in the season in the name of... Well, fucking sabotage really...
Left so far out in the cold his nickname became 'The ICE agent'.
His form had slipped a little recently, and injury sidelined
him. But here he was, back on the chain-gang with no little
axe to grind and the Lasagne frontline's efforts got 'pick'-ed
off (fucking pun intended!) time and time again by the outstanding
hero of all the night's heroes.
MELLOW YELLOW - 8/10
The kid was great. Easy to fold and take the beating. But he's
got the correct competitive spirit for that jersey and looked
like he was enjoying the scrap. Took his cue from the older
lads and made every decision count, not a foot wrong when the
heat was on. Even found time to attack Hunbaby Ferguson with
what seemed to be his nipples but came off second best; needs
to watch more MMA.
CALMAC - 7.5/10
Yasss! scrap it out, skipper. That early goal-saving tackle
set the tone and his troops responded. A mission that started
out as a task to compete became a nightmare, a strength-sapping
undertaking to stay in a game with the odds stacked against you.
But he rallied his mhen defiantly and with proper leadership;
voice will be gone, I'd think, from calling the shots like a
quarter-back.
Got his headspace exactly right once we were down to
ten and made sure his team followed his example.
THE TERMINATOR - 7/10
A really good bit of jousting from young Arne. Whatever
the arguments over his finesse or the fact we don't see
nearly enough of it, you can't grumble about a player
who'll dig as he did when the chip pan catches fire.
Willing to cover the yards, bite into their showboaters
and stand strong as a shield inffront of his defence.
Fair play, kid.
HAKUNA HATATE - 3/10
For fuck's sake Reo. After a promising goalscoring start,
he all but turns the shotgun on us with two yellows of
entirely his own making. First came after he was right
through on a high ball and trapped it ten yards backwards
like a deranged puppy with a beachball.
Second and off - the petulance he's shown through the
season catches up, boils, then blows up in his face.
Baka!
YING - 6.5/10
I admire the wee fella's willingness to do the hard yards
and play his part in the collective effort. Kind of like a
Korean Daizen Lite.
That he did, proving himself a worthy inclusion, if unable
to shine going forward; any hope of that curtailed by our
Japansese midfielder's meltdown.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 8.5/10
Daizen's a fucking beast. Don't take my word for it - Joe Hart
told you in commentary. But he's not the Richard Gough kind of
beast - he's the defenders' and goalkeepers' nightmare-fuel sort.
And for all the moans over the last month or so about his
inscrutable expression, I've never seen a player enjoy himself
more than Daizen when he's happily tearing around causing chaos
and carnage; a Japanese Heath Ledger's Joker: "It about sending
message, opponent-san."
TUTANKHAMUN - 5/10
Kind of dicked about until he realised these were no SPL jobbers
and had some flashes of interest. But any sort of lasting impact
he may have made was lost when he became the necessary sacrifice.
SUBS -
TONY THE TIGER - 6.5/10
Yet another of our more-maligned steps up in a time of need
and crushes the souls of his detractors with a rabid, invigorating
cameo. The Brickie became The Green Knight: 'None Shall Pass!'
(See what I did there, fans of Python and Maurice Neumont propaganda
posters?).
KENNY JOHNNY - 6/10
Rough, but ready to do his bit. So he came on and raced about
and hounded them well enough; had he been a bit braver with
choices he may even have set up Daizen for a winner... But let's
cool it with the acid trips.
NEGAN - 6/10
A credible enough half; mostly asked to subvert his natural
game and dog around closing-down as much as possible rather
than act creatively.
Although the one chance he did get to notch his customary
goal and send us into raptures, he surprisingly and frustratingly
decided not to take down a high ball at the edge of the box with
plenty space to strike one; instead opting a useless lob to
a knackered Daizen.
SAINT BERNARDO - N/A
Woof! Time-killing, space-filling Paulo helped tired legs through
the last ten minutes.
FATHER MARTIN AND SAMWISE GANGEE - 8/10
A marvellous vindication of Father Martin's man-management and
his management team's inspiring influence on the squad.
There won't be many games in his vaunted career when his ten-man
side of unrated, under-performing 'lesser' players have manged to
hold a crack Itlian outfit at bay for a beseiged half an hour.
That will probably please him as much as anything this evening -
that we didn't crack when the equaliser went in. Very much the
delightful opposite - the players galvanised and fought it out
tooth and claw, and got a feelgood result that'll have their manger
buzzing and them bathing in the glory he'll reflect with calculated
words into Sunday's showdown.
MIBBERY - 5/10
Ran hs pack of cards out through that tempestuous first 45,
thankfully leaving one Japanese on the park when for a few
seconds of VAR replay he might have landed an Asian double
as Daizen arrived late on one of them at lightspeed.
OVERALL - 8.5/10
Pretty pastel away shirts sponsored by Celtic Alamo Foundation.
And Davy Crockett. Magnificent isn't the choice word really,
for the performance, or the result - but certainly can be applied
to the character the players finally showed after a troubled,
teeth-grinding, brow-beater of a season to date.
The way in which they got that result - a precious point to bring
qualification within reach - was almost absolutely ideal for our
current circumstances, if not a little fucking mental. All that was
missing by the end was a ripped Gerry Butler stood in our goalmouth
in a red cape and shield, chucking a spear at Hunbaby Ferguson,
hollering "THIS. IS. SELLIIIIIIICK!".
Almost to a mhan - not you, Reo. Baka! - they showed their mettle;
same fortitude that had deserted them so infamously against the
Huns, the Paisley Huns, The Dundee Huns and the Diet Huns, among
others this season.
And the perfect tonic was that this result came against a proper
team, Italian Cup winners, away from home. It can be both
season-defining and a litmus test; something the players should
draw great energy and belief from, and if they don't they're never
going to cut it.
I'd bet on the former if I was a gambling man. And I fucking am so
a ton on us -1 at the Edinbugger Reptile House on Sunday, thanks...
So should we go on to take the title, remember this dreich January
night as a turning-point when this Celtic side finally got their
baws back, after some of them literally, heroically, put theirs on the
line.
Go Away Now
Sandman
"Heroism is endurance for one moment more."
- George F. Kennan
THE FRIENDLY GHOST - 8/10
Made for him. All the experience and nous required to
get us through the test of the season; pulled off some
terrific stops, batting one away late on with a
contemptuous fist like Lego Thanos, "Fuck off!".
No chance with the goals, particularly the second which
was the only time his bodyguards let him down by leaving
inviting spaces.
Kasper will have relished this one, moreso for his own
measure with the World Cup on the horizon - does he
still have it to face up to the intensity at top level?
Yes. Definitively. Haters gonna seethe.
KATIE - 7.5/10
A dogged marvel, he's become. Injury has taken its toll over
the years and this KT is not the burling dynamic bhoy of his
youth.
But his time at the top has stiffened his resolve for stringent
examinations of his overall capabilities like tonight. To be
honest, it looked dire as their trickiest customer with the
acceleration of a coked-up cheetah found a lot of early joy
down KT's wing.
But he didn't fold. He got to grips, got closer, used his
wits. Second-half he tucked in with the centre backs when
Bolt Junior went central, and joined in the Spartan heroics.
OF JUSTICE - 8.5/10
The Wicklow Wonder, the Banrdarigg Beckenbauer, the Ginger
Baresi - all fanciful nomenclatures bestowed with no little
irony... But Liam continues to have the last laugh by living
up to those hallowed titles with performances like this.
Nary a foot put wrong when one inch out of synch would invite
disaster. If you can't see the acute positional instinct of
the much-maligned Irish underdog in matches such as these
then you best go back to your Playstation FIFA and Pornhub
subscription because the rigours of the real thing ain't for
you, Smokey.
Liam laser-focussed and sometimes prophetic, a phenomenal
exhibition of calm under pressure and incisive intervention.
CRUSTY THE CLOWN - 9.5/10 MOTM
There's not much more you can do as a defender at this level
bar stud the Hunbaby Ferguson tastily enough so it leaves a
mark. And you get your perfect 10/10...
But leaving that one error adise, let's all remember the
stoical awesomeness of the big Yank's 95 minutes of thunderous
defensive magnificence and attacking valour. Arse, baws and
heid kept them out, and his big toe won a point.
Let's also remember, Brendanistas, who had isolated him earlier
in the season in the name of... Well, fucking sabotage really...
Left so far out in the cold his nickname became 'The ICE agent'.
His form had slipped a little recently, and injury sidelined
him. But here he was, back on the chain-gang with no little
axe to grind and the Lasagne frontline's efforts got 'pick'-ed
off (fucking pun intended!) time and time again by the outstanding
hero of all the night's heroes.
MELLOW YELLOW - 8/10
The kid was great. Easy to fold and take the beating. But he's
got the correct competitive spirit for that jersey and looked
like he was enjoying the scrap. Took his cue from the older
lads and made every decision count, not a foot wrong when the
heat was on. Even found time to attack Hunbaby Ferguson with
what seemed to be his nipples but came off second best; needs
to watch more MMA.
CALMAC - 7.5/10
Yasss! scrap it out, skipper. That early goal-saving tackle
set the tone and his troops responded. A mission that started
out as a task to compete became a nightmare, a strength-sapping
undertaking to stay in a game with the odds stacked against you.
But he rallied his mhen defiantly and with proper leadership;
voice will be gone, I'd think, from calling the shots like a
quarter-back.
Got his headspace exactly right once we were down to
ten and made sure his team followed his example.
THE TERMINATOR - 7/10
A really good bit of jousting from young Arne. Whatever
the arguments over his finesse or the fact we don't see
nearly enough of it, you can't grumble about a player
who'll dig as he did when the chip pan catches fire.
Willing to cover the yards, bite into their showboaters
and stand strong as a shield inffront of his defence.
Fair play, kid.
HAKUNA HATATE - 3/10
For fuck's sake Reo. After a promising goalscoring start,
he all but turns the shotgun on us with two yellows of
entirely his own making. First came after he was right
through on a high ball and trapped it ten yards backwards
like a deranged puppy with a beachball.
Second and off - the petulance he's shown through the
season catches up, boils, then blows up in his face.
Baka!
YING - 6.5/10
I admire the wee fella's willingness to do the hard yards
and play his part in the collective effort. Kind of like a
Korean Daizen Lite.
That he did, proving himself a worthy inclusion, if unable
to shine going forward; any hope of that curtailed by our
Japansese midfielder's meltdown.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 8.5/10
Daizen's a fucking beast. Don't take my word for it - Joe Hart
told you in commentary. But he's not the Richard Gough kind of
beast - he's the defenders' and goalkeepers' nightmare-fuel sort.
And for all the moans over the last month or so about his
inscrutable expression, I've never seen a player enjoy himself
more than Daizen when he's happily tearing around causing chaos
and carnage; a Japanese Heath Ledger's Joker: "It about sending
message, opponent-san."
TUTANKHAMUN - 5/10
Kind of dicked about until he realised these were no SPL jobbers
and had some flashes of interest. But any sort of lasting impact
he may have made was lost when he became the necessary sacrifice.
SUBS -
TONY THE TIGER - 6.5/10
Yet another of our more-maligned steps up in a time of need
and crushes the souls of his detractors with a rabid, invigorating
cameo. The Brickie became The Green Knight: 'None Shall Pass!'
(See what I did there, fans of Python and Maurice Neumont propaganda
posters?).
KENNY JOHNNY - 6/10
Rough, but ready to do his bit. So he came on and raced about
and hounded them well enough; had he been a bit braver with
choices he may even have set up Daizen for a winner... But let's
cool it with the acid trips.
NEGAN - 6/10
A credible enough half; mostly asked to subvert his natural
game and dog around closing-down as much as possible rather
than act creatively.
Although the one chance he did get to notch his customary
goal and send us into raptures, he surprisingly and frustratingly
decided not to take down a high ball at the edge of the box with
plenty space to strike one; instead opting a useless lob to
a knackered Daizen.
SAINT BERNARDO - N/A
Woof! Time-killing, space-filling Paulo helped tired legs through
the last ten minutes.
FATHER MARTIN AND SAMWISE GANGEE - 8/10
A marvellous vindication of Father Martin's man-management and
his management team's inspiring influence on the squad.
There won't be many games in his vaunted career when his ten-man
side of unrated, under-performing 'lesser' players have manged to
hold a crack Itlian outfit at bay for a beseiged half an hour.
That will probably please him as much as anything this evening -
that we didn't crack when the equaliser went in. Very much the
delightful opposite - the players galvanised and fought it out
tooth and claw, and got a feelgood result that'll have their manger
buzzing and them bathing in the glory he'll reflect with calculated
words into Sunday's showdown.
MIBBERY - 5/10
Ran hs pack of cards out through that tempestuous first 45,
thankfully leaving one Japanese on the park when for a few
seconds of VAR replay he might have landed an Asian double
as Daizen arrived late on one of them at lightspeed.
OVERALL - 8.5/10
Pretty pastel away shirts sponsored by Celtic Alamo Foundation.
And Davy Crockett. Magnificent isn't the choice word really,
for the performance, or the result - but certainly can be applied
to the character the players finally showed after a troubled,
teeth-grinding, brow-beater of a season to date.
The way in which they got that result - a precious point to bring
qualification within reach - was almost absolutely ideal for our
current circumstances, if not a little fucking mental. All that was
missing by the end was a ripped Gerry Butler stood in our goalmouth
in a red cape and shield, chucking a spear at Hunbaby Ferguson,
hollering "THIS. IS. SELLIIIIIIICK!".
Almost to a mhan - not you, Reo. Baka! - they showed their mettle;
same fortitude that had deserted them so infamously against the
Huns, the Paisley Huns, The Dundee Huns and the Diet Huns, among
others this season.
And the perfect tonic was that this result came against a proper
team, Italian Cup winners, away from home. It can be both
season-defining and a litmus test; something the players should
draw great energy and belief from, and if they don't they're never
going to cut it.
I'd bet on the former if I was a gambling man. And I fucking am so
a ton on us -1 at the Edinbugger Reptile House on Sunday, thanks...
So should we go on to take the title, remember this dreich January
night as a turning-point when this Celtic side finally got their
baws back, after some of them literally, heroically, put theirs on the
line.
Go Away Now
Sandman
