SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ MIDDLE EAST

Sandman

Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ MIDDLE EAST


"Ah'm no oot wi' a 'calf strain' - Ah jist mistook a cow fur a
burd while crossin' a field pished on on the way hame last week,
jist as the polis wis passin'..."

Griff.



'Tinker Tailor Sold Ye Shyte'

...Read John Le Carre's new spy thriller as a deluded Scottish
football club investigate how two dodgy scousers managed to offload
a heap of shoddy, Indian sweat-shop recycled wummins' knickers onto
their unspeakably gullible fanbase under the guise of 'pewer quality'
sportswear.




B.A BARKIS - 6/10

Our A-Team refugee must have wondered what he's let himself in for
as the team bus pulled into Dundee. 'Ah, Scotland has an Acropolis too..."
he was heard to murmur, realising what downtown Athens might have looked
like after a nuclear attack.

Unfazed by these archaic surroundings he lolled about his box until late
on when he had need to position behind a fizzer on a United breakaway.
We may find his real worth midweek.



PINGPONG - 6/10

He looks like he's beginning to surge rather than fizz up the park which
hints at more maturity in timing, and coaching results. No real telling
contributions today aside from a good defensive recovery where his pace
saved us. In attack, United seemed to have his number.



BITTON - 7/10

'The Arabs'? Am I at home? Did I click my red slippers together? Well,
in a place as strange as Oz, our Israeli already had cause to wonder why
so many munchkins wander the streets.
With his implacable poise and basic footballing excellence he remains a
fantastic option for domestic matches like these when we will see slightly
more space than against sides who line up like Davy Crockett's minders.
And so it transpired during the second half onslaught that he was indeed
the third wave, helping pin them in, picking the passes. Accomplished,
is his definition.



JULIEN CLARY - 6.5/10

'Pah, thee cake ees like thee ceetee - stodgy and a pain in thee ass,'
said not our French fancy in his post-match interview. He was busy from
first to last, well, in the first minute - smartly cutting out a deadly
cutback - and in the final seconds nodding away a looping corner.
In between - tidy and motivational but not carrying his usual additonal
threat.



GREGGS THE BAKER - 5.5/10

Buns or pies, yum-yums or empire biscuits? Plagued by indecision in the
bakery, dogged by it on the park too - caught wandering wrong side, not
deliberate enough going forward, too many options in his heid when all
we require is consistent early dangerous deliveries.



BROON - 6.5/10

Appeared unusually leggy, or just the victim of good opposition tactics
by playing a couple of pacey midfielders in an attempt to upset our engine
rather than the usual cage fighters.
At any rate, Broon had to wrangle and rustle his way through the game with
less space and time than he's familiar with. But he did it, and it'll be
good practice for the intensity of the qualifiers.



CALMAC - 7/10

I'd expected his perpetual motion would have the Arabs mesmerised as our
metronome struck out the rythm. But it took him time, playing deeper, aiding
Broon to forage some telling possession and force the game to them.
However, quality will come to the fore, and Calmac's didn't fail us.



SAM JACKSON - 7/10

What kind 'o muthufuckin' joint is this daym Babylonian purgatory? Then
them Muthucukas turn up in orange like a Glasgow Klan marchin tribute, the
muthufuckas...
And so our Muthufucka went to town... To the sort of town muthufuckas are
used to goin' to, and he was sharp and active as we wanted but just lacked
the muthufuckin' final touch we were screaming for as we prayed for the
righteous Muthufucka to lay down the law and heap furious anger upon
the perma-ragin' muthufuckas achin' for another falter. But we
got there, daymit! And the Muthufucka justified his inclusion.



CORPUS CHRISTIE - 7.5/10

'Holy Moley!' cried the Dundonians, 'HE has come!' To us he'd be the
biblical Saviour of note; in Dundee he's Slough Feg, Lord Weird of the
Celtic ('Keltic') Mythological Legends - they're still a few centuries
off the Christianity thing...
And you'd think his Da was playing tricks on him as he played a personal
game of shooty-in against their flying golaie. However desperately unlucky
he was with his four hundred and thirty two shots, his deliveries from dead
balls were contrarily pish, and his MOTM status relinquished.



ELSHAGYONLASSIE - 6/10

Midweek hero, weekend zero? Well, class swells with confidence and we
hoped he'd be getting his mojo together for a perfect run of matchwinning
influence.
Not today, but at least he was actively involved in a number of promising
build-ups and looked to be bubbling under like a Hun mega-transfer.
Ultimately though - still frustratingly lacking the balls to take the
opposition to the cleaners with some swagger.



FRENCH EDDY - 8/10 MOTM

Stifled, nipped, jostled, as outnumbered as a virgin in a Dundee nunnery,
but he caused chaos with his deceptive movement and must wonder why the Gods
of positive action were so miserly in their dividends. But French Eddy draws
in defenders with his own mercurial gravity, opening precious gaps. And at
the death he was in the thick of it to nick it, blocked by two and the
goalie, yet not denied his part in the glorious pinball wizard of a winner.



SUBS:



THE YETI - 7.5/10

You abominable bastard! Confidence booster like a cocaine speedball with an
impact like Raquel Welch in a fur bikini as he pops on and pops one in with
his... Bigfoot (Da-naaa, two in a row, mythical missing-link pun fans).
Made it and scored it and then sold his own fur to the locals who have built
flaming shrines on the Broughy Ferry Beach where druids are mixing it in clay
bowls with dragon's skull ashes in an attempt to master the secrets of alchemy.




FORREST - 6.5/10


Wakey, wakey, Jamesy. A turn on the bench - or restored stagecoach seats - to
pep his mettle. Fair play, he came on and got at it, investing more interest
in the game than the previous four and looked like he received the message.
Flashed one over (ladies...) and you get the feeling he might be closer to
one of those dazzling bursts of form we seem to get when we least expect it;
very much like a bemused glass collector...



KLIMALA KLIMAX - N/A

Brought on late to distract locals who collect 70s porno.


AJER - N/A

Thrown in to bewilder the opposition by shouting instruction in the regional
dialect - ancient Viking Nordic runespeak.





LENNONY - 7.5/10

A tricky task negotiated with... seven minutes to spare. Still reluctent to
give these mid-table upstarts both barrells - aka two up front - Lennony
persevered with the training ground staples and utilised our dynamic frontman's
creative abilities; may have thought it just wasn't going to be our day but
credit where it's due - threw in the two and boom-shakalaka-boom Eddy and
The Yeti's combined wizardry rips a winner out of the ether. Phew, now get
to battering opposition like them out of sight early.



OVERALL - 7.5/10


I used to have a friend who was a notable DJ in Dundee clubs in the 90s.
He was a diabetic who, on 'ladies nights' in one particular sweatbox, deferred
his regular insulin dose just so he could trip-out through the whole experience;
also the only times he ever declined a threesome (and more...) on grounds of
aesthetics, animal-husbandry and self-respect.

Not to say the 'City of Discovery' or 'To Be Discovered' isn't pretty when
the sun shines on the Tay and highlights the decorative rows of crucified
corpses along the riverbanks...

So there we went again, just along the road from the darker blue side, to the
tangerine one. A club, though they play in the colours of institutional bigotry,
are more reviled by the Klan hordes than admired; a match-up the Huns would hope
we both lose.

And maybe the Huns were sitting happy on the 83rd minute before schadenfreude -
that big German leather-clad dominatrix from their favourite Hamburg brothel -
fisted them yet again and they vomited out of date McEwans lager all over the
stolen-primary-school-gym-hall-floors of their rancid ludges as the Tims did what
the Tims do and danced the sweet jig of late victory.

Should we get to the two-up-front part of the season soon, or wait until the
Rednecks think they have won the league again?

Ah, out-of-the-hat-in-the-nick-of-time wins; like re-runs of One Million Years B.C -
I never tire of watching such beautiful things, and that's got nothing to do with
dinosaurs.



Go Away Now

Sandman.
 
Last edited:

Spherical Planet

Well-known member
Oh dear, Sandman.........for as much as I enjoy your leftfield footballing observations, methinks one of Dundee's many fair (if not muscular and manly) maidens may have once trod heavily upon your poetic heart?

For surely that can be the only explanation for shitting upon the 'Monte Carlo of the North'?

From Fast Eddie Lafferty's harmonical jazz freestyling to the philosophical ideals profligating the many pubs and clubs - The City of Discovery stands alone as a bastion of education, science and free radical thought (although it may stand alone due to the ungodly smell as well).

In fact, on the journey up to the city which was named as a 'gift of God', Corpus turned to The Captain and asked what Dundee was famous for. The inspirational and intellectual skipper replied: "well there's journalism and jam, Ryan, but most of all just jute".

Ryan took this literally last night and went on to hit a world record amount of 'jots' on goal. The seagull population has been decimated by 20% as a constant barrage of size 5's took them out of the skies at an alarming rate. Misadventurous swimmers who found themselves floundering in The Tay were eternally grateful, as the Adidas balls proved to be excellent flotation devices.

I love my slightly fucked-up city........it may have been the inspiration for the movie Deliverance, but we don't discriminate up here. It's not just the piggies that squeal, the sheep and coos need love too!
 

Richybhoy

Well-known member
Oh dear, Sandman.........for as much as I enjoy your leftfield footballing observations, methinks one of Dundee's many fair (if not muscular and manly) maidens may have once trod heavily upon your poetic heart?

For surely that can be the only explanation for shitting upon the 'Monte Carlo of the North'?

From Fast Eddie Lafferty's harmonical jazz freestyling to the philosophical ideals profligating the many pubs and clubs - The City of Discovery stands alone as a bastion of education, science and free radical thought (although it may stand alone due to the ungodly smell as well).

In fact, on the journey up to the city which was named as a 'gift of God', Corpus turned to The Captain and asked what Dundee was famous for. The inspirational and intellectual skipper replied: "well there's journalism and jam, Ryan, but most of all just jute".

Ryan took this literally last night and went on to hit a world record amount of 'jots' on goal. The seagull population has been decimated by 20% as a constant barrage of size 5's took them out of the skies at an alarming rate. Misadventurous swimmers who found themselves floundering in The Tay were eternally grateful, as the Adidas balls proved to be excellent flotation devices.

I love my slightly fucked-up city........it may have been the inspiration for the movie Deliverance, but we don't discriminate up here. It's not just the piggies that squeal, the sheep and coos need love too!
I remember the Sunday Times had a headline aboot the three J's
They said it stood for, Junkies, Joblessness and jaded views.
Fast Eddie is shit hot on the moothie right enough. My mate used run Dundee Music Box (rehearsal studios) n Fast Eddie was aye there. What a character.
All hail hail the Sandman
 
Last edited:

Spherical Planet

Well-known member
I remember the Sunday Times had a headline aboot the three J's
They said it stood for, Junkies, Joblessness and jaded views.
Fast Eddie is shit hot on the moot hie right enough. My mate used run Dundee Music Box (rehearsal studios) n Fast Eddie was aye there. What a character.
All hail hail the Sandman
I think the "hot" might be optional on the moothie part, Rich
 

Winning Captains

Administrator
Staff member

JamSam67

Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ MIDDLE EAST


"Ah'm no oot wi' a 'calf strain' - Ah jist mistook a cow fur a
burd while crossin' a field pished on on the way hame last week,
jist as the polis wis passin'..."

Griff.



'Tinker Tailor Sold Ye Shyte'

...Read John Le Carre's new spy thriller as a deluded Scottish
football club investigate how two dodgy scousers managed to offload
a heap of shoddy, Indian sweat-shop recycled wummins' knickers onto
their unspeakably gullible fanbase under the guise of 'pewer quality'
sportswear.




B.A BARKIS - 6/10

Our A-Team refugee must have wondered what he's let himself in for
as the team bus pulled into Dundee. 'Ah, Scotland has an Acropolis too..."
he was heard to murmur, realising what downtown Athens might have looked
like after a nuclear attack.

Unfazed by these archaic surroundings he lolled about his box until late
on when he had need to position behind a fizzer on a United breakaway.
We may find his real worth midweek.



PINGPONG - 6/10

He looks like he's beginning to surge rather than fizz up the park which
hints at more maturity in timing, and coaching results. No real telling
contributions today aside from a good defensive recovery where his pace
saved us. In attack, United seemed to have his number.



BITTON - 7/10

'The Arabs'? Am I at home? Did I click my red slippers together? Well,
in a place as strange as Oz, our Israeli already had cause to wonder why
so many munchkins wander the streets.
With his implacable poise and basic footballing excellence he remains a
fantastic option for domestic matches like these when we will see slightly
more space than against sides who line up like Davy Crockett's minders.
And so it transpired during the second half onslaught that he was indeed
the third wave, helping pin them in, picking the passes. Accomplished,
is his definition.



JULIEN CLARY - 6.5/10

'Pah, thee cake ees like thee ceetee - stodgy and a pain in thee ass,'
said not our French fancy in his post-match interview. He was busy from
first to last, well, in the first minute - smartly cutting out a deadly
cutback - and in the final seconds nodding away a looping corner.
In between - tidy and motivational but not carrying his usual additonal
threat.



GREGGS THE BAKER - 5.5/10

Buns or pies, yum-yums or empire biscuits? Plagued by indecision in the
bakery, dogged by it on the park too - caught wandering wrong side, not
deliberate enough going forward, too many options in his heid when all
we require is consistent early dangerous deliveries.



BROON - 6.5/10

Appeared unusually leggy, or just the victim of good opposition tactics
by playing a couple of pacey midfielders in an attempt to upset our engine
rather than the usual cage fighters.
At any rate, Broon had to wrangle and rustle his way through the game with
less space and time than he's familiar with. But he did it, and it'll be
good practice for the intensity of the qualifiers.



CALMAC - 7/10

I'd expected his perpetual motion would have the Arabs mesmerised as our
metronome struck out the rythm. But it took him time, playing deeper, aiding
Broon to forage some telling possession and force the game to them.
However, quality will come to the fore, and Calmac's didn't fail us.



SAM JACKSON - 7/10

What kind 'o muthufuckin' joint is this daym Babylonian purgatory? Then
them Muthucukas turn up in orange like a Glasgow Klan marchin tribute, the
muthufuckas...
And so our Muthufucka went to town... To the sort of town muthufuckas are
used to goin' to, and he was sharp and active as we wanted but just lacked
the muthufuckin' final touch we were screaming for as we prayed for the
righteous Muthufucka to lay down the law and heap furious anger upon
the perma-ragin' muthufuckas achin' for another falter. But we
got there, daymit! And the Muthufucka justified his inclusion.



CORPUS CHRISTIE - 7.5/10

'Holy Moley!' cried the Dundonians, 'HE has come!' To us he'd be the
biblical Saviour of note; in Dundee he's Slough Feg, Lord Weird of the
Celtic ('Keltic') Mythological Legends - they're still a few centuries
off the Christianity thing...
And you'd think his Da was playing tricks on him as he played a personal
game of shooty-in against their flying golaie. However desperately unlucky
he was with his four hundred and thirty two shots, his deliveries from dead
balls were contrarily pish, and his MOTM status relinquished.



ELSHAGYONLASSIE - 6/10

Midweek hero, weekend zero? Well, class swells with confidence and we
hoped he'd be getting his mojo together for a perfect run of matchwinning
influence.
Not today, but at least he was actively involved in a number of promising
build-ups and looked to be bubbling under like a Hun mega-transfer.
Ultimately though - still frustratingly lacking the balls to take the
opposition to the cleaners with some swagger.



FRENCH EDDY - 8/10 MOTM

Stifled, nipped, jostled, as outnumbered as a virgin in a Dundee nunnery,
but he caused chaos with his deceptive movement and must wonder why the Gods
of positive action were so miserly in their dividends. But French Eddy draws
in defenders with his own mercurial gravity, opening precious gaps. And at
the death he was in the thick of it to nick it, blocked by two and the
goalie, yet not denied his part in the glorious pinball wizard of a winner.



SUBS:



THE YETI - 7.5/10

You abominable bastard! Confidence booster like a cocaine speedball with an
impact like Raquel Welch in a fur bikini as he pops on and pops one in with
his... Bigfoot (Da-naaa, two in a row, mythical missing-link pun fans).
Made it and scored it and then sold his own fur to the locals who have built
flaming shrines on the Broughy Ferry Beach where druids are mixing it in clay
bowls with dragon's skull ashes in an attempt to master the secrets of alchemy.




FORREST - 6.5/10


Wakey, wakey, Jamesy. A turn on the bench - or restored stagecoach seats - to
pep his mettle. Fair play, he came on and got at it, investing more interest
in the game than the previous four and looked like he received the message.
Flashed one over (ladies...) and you get the feeling he might be closer to
one of those dazzling bursts of form we seem to get when we least expect it;
very much like a bemused glass collector...



KLIMALA KLIMAX - N/A

Brought on late to distract locals who collect 70s porno.


AJER - N/A

Thrown in to bewilder the opposition by shouting instruction in the regional
dialect - ancient Viking Nordic runespeak.





LENNONY - 7.5/10

A tricky task negotiated with... seven minutes to spare. Still reluctent to
give these mid-table upstarts both barrells - aka two up front - Lennony
persevered with the training ground staples and utilised our dynamic frontman's
creative abilities; may have thought it just wasn't going to be our day but
credit where it's due - threw in the two and boom-shakalaka-boom Eddy and
The Yeti's combined wizardry rips a winner out of the ether. Phew, now get
to battering opposition like them out of sight early.



OVERALL - 7.5/10


I used to have a friend who was a notable DJ in Dundee clubs in the 90s.
He was a diabetic who, on 'ladies nights' in one particular sweatbox, deferred
his regular insulin dose just so he could trip-out through the whole experience;
also the only times he ever declined a threesome (and more...) on grounds of
aesthetics, animal-husbandry and self-respect.

Not to say the 'City of Discovery' or 'To Be Discovered' isn't pretty when
the sun shines on the Tay and highlights the decorative rows of crucified
corpses along the riverbanks...

So there we went again, just along the road from the darker blue side, to the
tangerine one. A club, though they play in the colours of institutional bigotry,
are more reviled by the Klan hordes than admired; a match-up the Huns would hope
we both lose.

And maybe the Huns were sitting happy on the 83rd minute before schadenfreude -
that big German leather-clad dominatrix from their favourite Hamburg brothel -
fisted them yet again and they vomited out of date McEwans lager all over the
stolen-primary-school-gym-hall-floors of their rancid ludges as the Tims did what
the Tims do and danced the sweet jig of late victory.

Should we get to the two-up-front part of the season soon, or wait until the
Rednecks think they have won the league again?

Ah, out-of-the-hat-in-the-nick-of-time wins; like re-runs of One Million Years B.C -
I never tire of watching such beautiful things, and that's got nothing to do with
dinosaurs.



Go Away Now

Sandman.
Usual kwality there Sandman but nuking Dundee lovely place maybe carpet bomb some parts 😂 good hands Ba Barakas
Corpus covered every blade and hit almost every part of the Stand we dominated the game but Dire to watch. Need 2 upfront
please Lennony please

HH 🍀
 
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