SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ MOTHER'S RUIN

Sandman

Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ MOTHER'S RUIN


"The best weapon against an enemy is another enemy.
Like two sets of Huns taking a point off each other,
for example..."

- Friedrich Nietzsche 'Beyond Good And evil' (1886).



ROXIE - 6.5/10

This showgirl's got footwork... Empty chests all round as
'Harts' leapt into mouths while he auditioned for strictly
in his own 6 yard box. How we LOL'ed.... Eventually...

Then displayed that priceless commanding presence for the
rest of the game. Safe hands, reassuring for defenders.



TONY THE TIGER - 6.5/10

Solid and competitive - the Tiger who's earned his stripes.
Great supporting runs for the malfunctioning Abadass, some
killer balls across the box, not exploited. Handled their
electric winger very well after early skinning.



STAR LORD - 6/10

Inside he's screaming 'Don't pass to me! Don't pass to me!"
Outwardly, thankfully, he's now implemented some kind of
psychological containment field for his anxiety, so that
it doesn't manifest in physical calamity.

He's probably got his invisible Racoon to thank for that;
it talked him through the game well today, and our
arse-cheeks clenched fewer times than usual. A shame,
because he's been useful for buns-development; however,
I'll take the trade if he keeps it up...



GET CARTER - 6.5/10

With him, it's his job... No nonsense, cultivating a fearsome
reputation among burly strikers as he bounces them at will.
Got a number of tests today and came through each moment
winning; kept us looking like a decent defensive unit for
probably the first time this season.



JAMIE FOXX - 7/10

Well, let's hear it for the Scote-ish Guvurnment's fitballin'
escaped-goat of choice. Fine match, linking really well in his
bendy-full-back role and some of his defending was right on
the tickly button; exemplified by a late one-on-one where the
fleet-footed attacker tried to stand him up and beat him to
get a shot it; Jamie played it perfectly, blocking him off.

Was right on his game - and consistently reproducing that,
we have a quality left-back, ladies and gentlemen. Question
is, can he?



CALMAC - 8/10

International superhero with an unquenching thirst for playing
football. And playing it with exquisite poise and prompt.
Metronomical magic from the start today; sometimes a joy to
watch. Then he carelessly misplaced a pass just as I was noting
his excellence, so fuck'm: half-point docked...



EDDIE TURNBULL - 7/10

He's as old as that Fir Pit we signed him from, and played like
it all first half - scrappy and breaking down. But, as those
around him raised the level, he shook off the Edie Ennui (See
what I did there, fans of Franco-English and Edie Sedgwick/The
Cult/Edie Brickell?) and wandered into the game.

Then, like the comet that fucked the dinosaurs, he unleashed a
celestial missile of catastrophic destruction. Fair play to the
'Well keeper who watched it fly in with puffed cheeks; the
international goalie language of 'Fuck that...'



ROGIC - 8.5/10 MOTM

Well, he did it last season here in the autumn and we thought
it was his swansong. But there he was again, obviously pumped
on sushi and geisha chicks from his midweek trip to Japan,
running off the saki in style.

Sublime and subliminal; the vision and the disguise - the
pass of the season to unleash Notebook for the opener.
Those beguiling feet tantalised us - and them - all his time
on the park; when he does one of those languid yet agile
pirouettes and emerges from a tight situation head-up with
the ball at his will, my tummy goes all tingly like when
Raquel Welch fights dinosaurs in a fur bikini.

He's a proper football player, dear people, almost a rare
commodity.



ABADASS - 4/10

Every cross looked like he was trying to kick a helium
balloon at a giraffe's heid on a windy day. Eventually
gave up and spent the second half slipping in Tony for
a shot at getting a ball somewhere in the vicinity of
a hooped shirt. Was definitely the weakest link today.



NOTEBOOK - 7.5/10

Wham Bam! Thank you M'am - swashbuckling first-half got
us the critical lead at this cesspit. So impressed the
main stand of gurning hillbillies that every hairdresser
in Motherwell is booked out next week for 'streaks'.

Faded like a Ridgeley career in the later stages but
his impact had been major.



MR.KOBAYASHI - 5.5/10

From his Far East matchwinning hustle to Mission Murderwell,
Keyser Soze's fixer will never be denied, despite the
service to him being on a par with that at the Gallowgate's
'Residence Premiere', the Bellgrove Hotel.

Plenty of movement, but all in the wrong direction today;
just one of those games where he was continually in the
wrong place at the right time.



SUBS:

BITTON - 6/10

A marked security about the middle as his murderously calm
demeanour took the pressure off Calmac and meant we could
focus on ball-retention to see it out.


MIKEY JOHNSTON - N/A

An appropriately 80s cameo for an 80s arena.


SON OF JACKIE - N/A

Would he? Could he? Score in front of the travelling
support? No, he unselfishly tried to play-in a team-mate
as the goal loomed. And his father disowned him.




ANITA DOBSON - 7.5/10

"OH MY GOD! OH DEAR GOD!! IT'S ANGEBALL AT MURDERWELL!
DOES HE HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA WHAT WE'RE LIKE THERE??!!"
Was the collective measured response to the team-sheet.

And it did seem a very open approach. Basically, like
going commando in a mini-skirt down Motherwell high street;
you wouldn't make it past Greggs before a frenzied pack
would be on you, girls...

However, local recreational customs aside, Angeball seems
to be improving each week - the players appeared more
comfortable, disciplined and brave. Some of our breaks were
electric, save only for the final ball letting us down too
often.

So he gets out of two of the trickiest SPL ZX81 Computer
fixtures like Neo in the Matrix - in control of his destiny
and now looking a real, real threat to the establishment.
Keep on, big fella.



MIBBERY - 3/10

FAIL!!! LOL!!! Even trying to level-up as we lead and throw
on a new Boss Mason to counter us and break up the rythm was
useless against The Green Force.

Gollum retired in frustrated tears before half-time, greetin'
on the sidelines about fast-moving fenians causing hamstring
strains. The Heelin' haddie that replaced him refused to play
the handball rule on presbyterian principles, denying us a few
which laughingly backfired on him as they screamed for a late
pen. Most pleasing of all was watching the lot of them bent
double spewing* in the centre-circle at full time as news from
Mordor leaked through.

(*hypothetically)



OVERALL - 8/10

Motherwell, a confused hamlet in Scotland's industrial sink,
with a stadium that is the Bet Lynch of football grounds -
oversized away stand sits like a gaudy beehive atop a ramshackle
claret and amber makeover mess disguising the timeworn skankiness
of it all.

Terrible dilemma for the home support today as their 'big' team
was scheduled to kick-off in Govan against their 'other' team at
the same time. Choices, choices, who to watch for the Motherwell
Casuals/Ultras - infamous neo-nazi saluting shitebages...
But at least they still managed to display a Butcher's apron in
team colours, the fucking tragedies.

Which set it all up for the afternoon's most satisfying and
rousing moments as a swelling, epic chorus or two of 'Go Home
Ya Huns' underscored their early departure to toast the
Reptilian egg-layer at their local hate-pit.

All, of course, facilitated by a dynamic Celtic performance,
full of edge and verve. Such a problematic fixture after an
international break carries deserved gravitas but the Bhoys
handled it as well as any Celtic side in recent memory.

You could even claim it was a comfortable 2-0 at Murderwell.
Against probably the best home team in a few seasons, not
afraid to attack and utilise their pacy forwards.

So, all-in, that was welcome - something pretty unusual and
also a very, very good sign. Erm, fingers crossed and a
disclaimer on that by the way...


Go Away Now

Sandman
 
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ MOTHER'S RUIN


"The best weapon against an enemy is another enemy.
Like two sets of Huns taking a point off each other,
for example..."

- Friedrich Nietzsche 'Beyond Good And evil' (1886).



ROXIE - 6.5/10

This showgirl's got footwork... Empty chests all round as
'Harts' leapt into mouths while he auditioned for strictly
in his own 6 yard box. How we LOL'ed.... Eventually...

Then displayed that priceless commanding presence for the
rest of the game. Safe hands, reassuring for defenders.



TONY THE TIGER - 6.5/10

Solid and competitive - the Tiger who's earned his stripes.
Great supporting runs for the malfunctioning Abadass, some
killer balls across the box, not exploited. Handled their
electric winger very well after early skinning.



STAR LORD - 6/10

Inside he's screaming 'Don't pass to me! Don't pass to me!"
Outwardly, thankfully, he's now implemented some kind of
psychological containment field for his anxiety, so that
it doesn't manifest in physical calamity.

He's probably got his invisible Racoon to thank for that;
it talked him through the game well today, and our
arse-cheeks clenched fewer times than usual. A shame,
because he's been useful for buns-development; however,
I'll take the trade if he keeps it up...



GET CARTER - 6.5/10

With him, it's his job... No nonsense, cultivating a fearsome
reputation among burly strikers as he bounces them at will.
Got a number of tests today and came through each moment
winning; kept us looking like a decent defensive unit for
probably the first time this season.



JAMIE FOXX - 7/10

Well, let's hear it for the Scote-ish Guvurnment's fitballin'
escaped-goat of choice. Fine match, linking really well in his
bendy-full-back role and some of his defending was right on
the tickly button; exemplified by a late one-on-one where the
fleet-footed attacker tried to stand him up and beat him to
get a shot it; Jamie played it perfectly, blocking him off.

Was right on his game - and consistently reproducing that,
we have a quality left-back, ladies and gentlemen. Question
is, can he?



CALMAC - 8/10

International superhero with an unquenching thirst for playing
football. And playing it with exquisite poise and prompt.
Metronomical magic from the start today; sometimes a joy to
watch. Then he carelessly misplaced a pass just as I was noting
his excellence, so fuck'm: half-point docked...



EDDIE TURNBULL - 7/10

He's as old as that Fir Pit we signed him from, and played like
it all first half - scrappy and breaking down. But, as those
around him raised the level, he shook off the Edie Ennui (See
what I did there, fans of Franco-English and Edie Sedgwick/The
Cult/Edie Brickell?) and wandered into the game.

Then, like the comet that fucked the dinosaurs, he unleashed a
celestial missile of catastrophic destruction. Fair play to the
'Well keeper who watched it fly in with puffed cheeks; the
international goalie language of 'Fuck that...'



ROGIC - 8.5/10 MOTM

Well, he did it last season here in the autumn and we thought
it was his swansong. But there he was again, obviously pumped
on sushi and geisha chicks from his midweek trip to Japan,
running off the saki in style.

Sublime and subliminal; the vision and the disguise - the
pass of the season to unleash Notebook for the opener.
Those beguiling feet tantalised us - and them - all his time
on the park; when he does one of those languid yet agile
pirouettes and emerges from a tight situation head-up with
the ball at his will, my tummy goes all tingly like when
Raquel Welch fights dinosaurs in a fur bikini.

He's a proper football player, dear people, almost a rare
commodity.



ABADASS - 4/10

Every cross looked like he was trying to kick a helium
balloon at a giraffe's heid on a windy day. Eventually
gave up and spent the second half slipping in Tony for
a shot at getting a ball somewhere in the vicinity of
a hooped shirt. Was definitely the weakest link today.



NOTEBOOK - 7.5/10

Wham Bam! Thank you M'am - swashbuckling first-half got
us the critical lead at this cesspit. So impressed the
main stand of gurning hillbillies that every hairdresser
in Motherwell is booked out next week for 'streaks'.

Faded like a Ridgeley career in the later stages but
his impact had been major.



MR.KOBAYASHI - 5.5/10

From his Far East matchwinning hustle to Mission Murderwell,
Keyser Soze's fixer will never be denied, despite the
service to him being on a par with that at the Gallowgate's
'Residence Premiere', the Bellgrove Hotel.

Plenty of movement, but all in the wrong direction today;
just one of those games where he was continually in the
wrong place at the right time.



SUBS:

BITTON - 6/10

A marked security about the middle as his murderously calm
demeanour took the pressure off Calmac and meant we could
focus on ball-retention to see it out.


MIKEY JOHNSTON - N/A

An appropriately 80s cameo for an 80s arena.


SON OF JACKIE - N/A

Would he? Could he? Score in front of the travelling
support? No, he unselfishly tried to play-in a team-mate
as the goal loomed. And his father disowned him.




ANITA DOBSON - 7.5/10

"OH MY GOD! OH DEAR GOD!! IT'S ANGEBALL AT MURDERWELL!
DOES HE HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA WHAT WE'RE LIKE THERE??!!"
Was the collective measured response to the team-sheet.

And it did seem a very open approach. Basically, like
going commando in a mini-skirt down Motherwell high street;
you wouldn't make it past Greggs before a frenzied pack
would be on you, girls...

However, local recreational customs aside, Angeball seems
to be improving each week - the players appeared more
comfortable, disciplined and brave. Some of our breaks were
electric, save only for the final ball letting us down too
often.

So he gets out of two of the trickiest SPL ZX81 Computer
fixtures like Neo in the Matrix - in control of his destiny
and now looking a real, real threat to the establishment.
Keep on, big fella.



MIBBERY - 3/10

FAIL!!! LOL!!! Even trying to level-up as we lead and throw
on a new Boss Mason to counter us and break up the rythm was
useless against The Green Force.

Gollum retired in frustrated tears before half-time, greetin'
on the sidelines about fast-moving fenians causing hamstring
strains. The Heelin' haddie that replaced him refused to play
the handball rule on presbyterian principles, denying us a few
which laughingly backfired on him as they screamed for a late
pen. Most pleasing of all was watching the lot of them bent
double spewing* in the centre-circle at full time as news from
Mordor leaked through.

(*hypothetically)



OVERALL - 8/10

Motherwell, a confused hamlet in Scotland's industrial sink,
with a stadium that is the Bet Lynch of football grounds -
oversized away stand sits like a gaudy beehive atop a ramshackle
claret and amber makeover mess disguising the timeworn skankiness
of it all.

Terrible dilemma for the home support today as their 'big' team
was scheduled to kick-off in Govan against their 'other' team at
the same time. Choices, choices, who to watch for the Motherwell
Casuals/Ultras - infamous neo-nazi saluting shitebages...
But at least they still managed to display a Butcher's apron in
team colours, the fucking tragedies.

Which set it all up for the afternoon's most satisfying and
rousing moments as a swelling, epic chorus or two of 'Go Home
Ya Huns' underscored their early departure to toast the
Reptilian egg-layer at their local hate-pit.

All, of course, facilitated by a dynamic Celtic performance,
full of edge and verve. Such a problematic fixture after an
international break carries deserved gravitas but the Bhoys
handled it as well as any Celtic side in recent memory.

You could even claim it was a comfortable 2-0 at Murderwell.
Against probably the best home team in a few seasons, not
afraid to attack and utilise their pacy forwards.

So, all-in, that was welcome - something pretty unusual and
also a very, very good sign. Erm, fingers crossed and a
disclaimer on that by the way...


Go Away Now

Sandman
Well said we’ll done we wonwell didny
Kwality as per Sandman

HH 👏
 
Plenty of movement, but all in the wrong direction today;
just one of those games where he was continually in the
wrong place at the right time.
Good point on Kyogo. Also, I think when defenses tend to focus on him, as I thought Motherhell -- sorry, Motherwell -- did at least at first, it opens up possibilities for others, like Jota.

But meanwhile, back on topic, excellent ratings, as we have come to expect. Keep up the great work, sir!
 

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