SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ NARNIA

Sandman

Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ NARNIA



"My first act as inaugurated President of the U.S.A
will be to declare the SPL null and void forthwith."

President Celtic.



B.A.BARKAS - 5.5/10

Another nae-touch Greek tragedy as his bewildering
stint abroad for the mighty unbeatable Glasgow Celtic
confuses him more than his lingo flumoxes us. No
chance for goals gifted by a backline coached at
St.Trinians, at least appeared game to compete/flap
in the snow; probably the novelty of it.


AJER - 5/10

Ball-watching, man ran off him, goal to them.
Roving around to make it up, but for a final
ball and a finish could have killed the game.
But he didn't. And the tortuous season tweaks
us again.



GREGGS THE BAKER - 4/10

If he could pass or cross he'd be Danny McGrain.
He can't. He's not. Crucial moments evaporate.
I haven't had one of his sausage rolls this year,
and won't until we win a game. That looks like a
healthy diet option for you right there, fat chicks.



BITTON - 7/10 MOTM

Finish, big guy. And effort. Last man standing
as the excuse for a defence capitulated. Can't
fault him; He wanted it, and was there at both
ends when required. Ladies...


ALAN LADD - 3/10

Aw, God... Of course he's going to needlessly
bundle over the striker to stupidly concede
the free kick for the simple cross he can't
capably defend that they'll score a
straightforward header from.

"Duffy's on the ball... Throw in to Livi."

His Celtic career reads like a Dr.Seuss nightmare.
Wake us up.



MAN OF - 6/10

What a terrific little agitator-in-chief. He's
the Black Broon, but a turbo-charged spoiler.
Unfortunately there's not a fully-functioning
midfield around him who will capitalize on his
endeavours.


CALMAC - 6/10

What hope we had after a first 45 of vintage
Calmac; prompting, conducting and icing the cake
with a disguised pass right out the, 'Jesus, I
didn't know Bruce Wayne was Batman' playbook.

Then he faded, and we faded and nobody filled
the void and our chances diminished.


CORPUS CHRISTIE - 0/10

Floated about, fell around, fooled no-one. Got
lost among the countless other snowflakes as the
game drifted. (See what I did there, snow fans?)

Lost crucial challenges in positions as treacherous
as he tried to make out the pitch was, and we lost
the equaliser. Not the Messiah anymore, just a
naughty bhoy who probably wants a transfer.



EDDIE TURNBULL - 5/10

Ability, yup, effectiveness... Well, he prowls
like a seasoned grifter but the impact doesn't
always follow.

Maybe it'll come with time but if you're going
to be the Celtic diamond spearhead you need to
raise your deadly matchwinner percentage beyond
one game in 4 or 5. Do it when it counts.



GRIFF - 4/10

Not really at it. Not really given much service
considering our domination. Close, but no cigar
when we really needed him at his deadly best.
Story of his season.


ELSHAGYONLASSIE- 6.5/10

After much early promise, he appears out of
hiding to guide in a stunner off the bar and
we're back in the game. Decent performance,
to be fair, always looking to create and unlucky
a few times.


SUBS:


BROON - WTF?

LOL, Broony, 'cause that's about summed up the
season.


PINGPONG - N/A

Came on as side-kick to Broony the gag-master.


KLIMALA KLIMAX - N/A

Brief chance to be a hero deep in injury time.
Fluffed his lines for lack of a fluffer preparing
him properly.



MIKEY J - N/A

Lennony's last fling. A forlorn retro yearning for
times past. Owen Archdeacon rebooted.




LENNONY - 5/10

Well done, Lennony - not for tonight or the desperate season -
but for shoving it to postulating, spineless, self-absorbed
goons like Swinney who've made entire careers of hanging onto
coat-tails and playing political niceties, doing NOTHING for
the benefit of their country; just infesting positions of power
with their wasteful inaction.

As for his return to the dugout to replace 'Invincible Gav',
well, the unbeaten run of '21 continues...

All looked so good, then we noticed the padded bra; the Duffy
in the ointment. And Lennony falls like another great Celtic
ginger, Tommy B, not upon his own sword, but the swords of his
pals; the players he'll play for sentiment.



OVERALL - 4/10

Set-pieces, eh? Je-sus.

This must be one of the politest Celtic sides in recent memory.
The pesky Huns leave the bunker door squeezed open just enough
for a sliver of light to highlight the champions' trophy and
ensure it's not totally wrapped in darkness...

And those well-mannered young Bhoys are right there, shoulders
to the fore, closing it tight shut for them again.

Tonight, ex-jailburd - Davy 'Stool Pigeon' Martinadale, who
served time for cleaning out and pawning the Deid Huns trophy
cabinet - set up a stoic Livi side as expected for another tough
challenge. Incidentally, kudos to Davy for the charitable auction
of his Manager Of The Month award; bids begin at three snout and
a copy of Fiesta.

We appeared enlivened from the start and let's call it as it was-
fluid and menacing. Yet there's been something vital lacking all
season and so it transpired that as we struggled to find a killer ball,
the defence was looping a rope round a beam and kicking away the
stool.

Even then, we looked rampant and should have been far and away as
we hit back and threatened to rack up some goals. Then the second-half
came and the season reverted to type; Another victim let off the
hook and merciless 9IAR Celtic become flimsy, pliable and beatable
Celtic. No win in 4 consecutive games; 21-year records getting broken
in '21; Like a boss...

No guts, no glory. Only Covid can save us now, and do they deserve
it? The let-off, I mean; they've already had Covid... About the
only thing we've beat...


Go Away 20/21.


Sandman.
 
Ralston! Goddamn, I knew it! Forgot his ridiculous absence; meant to add it to the pals act note on Lennony.

Lennony got a 5 for cracking up at the SMSM.

And 'inaction's a thing, boss - you're crediting Swinney and co with actual in-action on The Star front page, the bams...
 

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