Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ RENNIE
"Rennie helps relieve tummy problems including heartburn,
indigestion and trapped wind. But it doesn't do hamstrings,
ya greetin' wee Hun Borstal poster-boy."
Information on website, rennie.co.uk
"Aut Celt, aut nihil!"
Asterix and Obelix.
THE WALL - 7.5/10
What's that?! A ball! On a rare occasion since he once again
scented the spicy aroma of spit-roasted wannabe WAGs
carried in the Glasgow air, someone from the opposition
cracked a shot at him. First one, he dealt with admirably,
guiding it out away from danger (Bane, take note). The
second, penalty, nae chance.
After that, The Wall had to be The Wall. Solidity is his
superpower. Successful with a new special move -
performing a handstand after saving a dangerous free-kick
to distract ref from awarding a corner. Psyche,
big mhan!
JULLIEN CLARY - 8/10
No mincing about as the NBA guard takes to his new
soccer task. Timing in the tackle was immense, like watching
a mongoosse strike after careful consideration of the
situation. Won every major arial challenge, handled - and
manhandled - the Senegal War-Giant Niang very well
combating his physical prowess; like two big mechas from
the Pacific Rim movie clanking into each other.
FYI, THIS is what a 7 million quid footballer looks like,
Hun interlopers.
AJER - 6.5/10
Ironside fails in battle! Not often that lament echoes
round the halls of Valhalla but there's consternation
in Viking heaven tonight as the favoured son blew up
like a flustered Saxon monk and holed the longship.
He cursed himself before the gods and the Allfather,
and may have sacrificed Morgan Freeman Junior at
half-time as we never saw him all night.
Second-half, descendant of Ragnar was back in the
thick of it, making telling contributions with renewed
composure. He'll learn, etc, etc - yes of course he will.
But frankly, Kris, don't do something so stupid again,
ye big fucking eejit.
BOLIWOOD - 6.5/10
Will he or won't he? Aw f... or aw, nice? Well, Boliwood
will give you his all, just sometimes getting ahead of
himself. Great movement and engine, countering
that with some hairbrained Wacky Races shenanigans
The balance of positivity is STILL in his favour; he's
doing more right than wrong and doing it well.
Looks, though, like fate has dealt him a sore one,
judging by the way he sat on the deck pointing at his
baws .
Groin strain, too much shagging, is the medical
report you will read tomorrow. An HONEST one,
unlike the Ryan Kent one they won't release to
the media. Which simply says in four big
red letters: AIDS.
HAT ATTACK - 7/10
Whilst Nir is back in Israel giving genetic material
to the Mossad Multiplier Program, his clone is curing
our Lustig maudlin by giving consistently laudable
displays in the biggest of games.
Another rambustuous shift saw them thwarted, plenty
of forward expeditions to cause them problems and
can throw a cross in. Star in the making.
BROON - 8.5/10
Brilliant example of brooding menace channelled into
effective leadership. Early yellow card from eccentric
ref when French girl collapsed at his feet (like a few
ladies we know would, fnarr...) did not faze him.
Broon led from the eye of the storm and remained
placid yet murderous (a bewildering state many method
actors should observe). Bossed the crucial combat zone.
CALMAC - 7/10
Almost made the difference. Terrific feet and passing
as ever, but just was a little too caught up in the frantic
midfield action to find the space from where he can
kill a game. Spent the majority of his match battling,
shifting it quick, covering.
No slight on him my aformentioned thoughts, probably
a collective team thing that we didn't quite make the
required time for Calmac to pick the passes. Shame,
as our movement ahead of him was excellent many
a time.
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 9/10 MOTM
What a tireless performance of selfless running, potent
timing and link-up play. Yet started a little sloppy in
the first ten. After he got in tune, Son Of Man had a
noisy stadium as quiet as Lourdes when he was
on the ball. Won a pen that never was with that
top-quality extra burst of pace he possesses.
Finally got to take one and stood up to the pressure
magnificently before the crazy red wall of Rennes ultras.
He's a relentless agitating force when in this form,
an utter nightmare to shadow or control; such a player
in your ranks can force opponents to focus more
on counter than possession; can turn the tide of big
matches as they realise they have to prioritise dealing
with him to the detriment of their own plans; What he
did tonight. Take a bow, kid.
FORREST - 7/10
On big euro nights we usually see Jamesy in flashes.
No laughing at the back. It's in those flashes that
he'll do something to thrill or delight that will be
a game-changer. Alright, the sniggering needs to
stop.
This evening he was again in, then out. Okay,
enough - it's like the 'describe the penis' scene
in Porky's right now; Incidentally, that's exactly how
the glass-collector's polis interview transcript reads...
Anyway, the superstar flasher had everything but
a finish... Oh, for fuck's sake... Was dynamic and t
roublesome - so close to the heroic moment with
a run and shot that somehow slide-ruled just over.
On another day it's bursting the top corner and we
win. It would have been a stunner, or a stauner,
seeing as it's Jamesy...
ELBANGYONHUSSY - 6/10
Not match-sharp enough. Yet. Buuuut...As the
game went on, that first -half we saw that he's
got a nice bit of ability just needing tuned-up.
Was most impressed with his movement - showing
his intrinsic quality as we watched him synchronise
with our attack; looked good when gliding around
with Eddy and Corpus; Rennes struggled to keep
tabs. Think this bhoy will be a match-winner with
some games behind him.
FRENCH EDDY - 6/10
C'est la vie- talk of Francia last week, eyes on him and
he fails to deliver. Worked the line well, harangued by
a monster at centre-back, floated around beautifully in
the first period, made a great run that ended in a booking
for a pish dive - got to work on that diving, Eddy; ask Griff
for tips but on no account prefix with 'muff'...
Second-half he surprised me by fading when I imagined
he'd be finding space against tired Rennes legs. But
unusually his impact became negligible. Obviously me
betting on him to score cursed him... Je suis désolé, Eddy.
SUBS: -
SAM JACKSON - 6/10
Muthufucka comes on an' all muthufuckin' hell breaks loose.
The very presence of this Muthufucka in the land of Chicken
Royale with mayo - HIS Chicken Royale with mayo land! -
and all around the park everyone's gettin' their muthufucka
on, and muthufuckin each other up.
In the middle of it, this Muthufucka kept it righteous,
tellin' people to be muthufuckin cool as Fonzi, but
muthufuckas ain't listenin', runnin' around actin' out
Eizekiel 25:17. Thankfully, Muthufucka added some
composure to our embattled midfield.
SON OF A GUN - N/A
'Go on and rustle them up a bit, son' said Lenny in
the 82nd minute.He didn't mean execute their skipper.
That said, 50-50, tough break. But the keeper's
facepalm moment was ludicrous, and that second
yellow should be overturned. Fair play? Fair gay, more
like!
HAYES - 7/10
We played with ten while we awaited Johnny time-hopping
from a few miles away, yet 100-plus years ago - let THAT
thought fuck you up! - as he abandoned the Green Fields
of France to come to the Hoops aid.
However the quantum-leaping assassin left neither
battlefield empty of bodies as he gave us the
TACKLE OF THE SEASON on their Olympic sprinter
turned right-back.
And how the sensitive Brittany crowd were appalled!
Kerchiefs were flutered to noses and half the main
stand were treated for giddiness. Their players were
administered snuff and Johnny got reported to Interpol.
It was magnificent. As they say in France, "ce fut un
excellent tacle vous des flocons de neige putain!"
LENNONY - 8.5/10
His best European set-up to date, since Barca 2012.
Rennes are no mugs - ask PSG or the shitey wee London
posey team KT joined - and I would have hired my wife
to you for a draw before kick-off. And she's hot...Ssh...
And good at dishes...
Anyway, Lennony took a look at them and we went with
attacking intent. Surprised me, probably Rennes too as
our players actively went in search of control rather than
sit-in. At times our formation resembled 4-3-3 with El
moving in a Holy triad strike formation with Corpus and
Eddy, Jamesy dropping in besdie Broon and Calmac. But
for final balls, a little bad luck, we might have won it.
No complaints about Lennony's game-management will
be tolerated tonight - losing Boli, throwing on the
Muthufucka, having Bayo unjustly red-carded, seeing
his plan initially work then be undermined by a daft
penalty gift; he kept composed and made the right calls.
OVERALL - 8.5/10
Up there with our best away efforts in Europe. Sadly
no victory but we've seen these games smash us in
the face with a baguette in previous times. Tonight
the onion bag (see what I'm doing here, Francophiles?)
was lucky we didn't burst it with more than one.
Denied an utter stonewaller by bit-mad-mental ref and
university freshman linesman/person/thingy/idiot and
of course UEFA's arse-end-from-elbow
decision not to implement VAR but rely on witchcraft
or something.
Nearly took the lead but for Elshagyonlassie's toenails
not being long enough, had to fight back from a situation
that's seen us collapse many a time, and again impose
ourselves on a match we might have sneaked.
After hearing the Vampires pumped the Mussolinis,
this group is anyone's and if we replicate
this display, it WILL be ours.
A great night for the Hoops in Brittany, Gaul-ing for
Asterix, though... Boom-BOOM!
Go Away Now
Sandman Out.
"Rennie helps relieve tummy problems including heartburn,
indigestion and trapped wind. But it doesn't do hamstrings,
ya greetin' wee Hun Borstal poster-boy."
Information on website, rennie.co.uk
"Aut Celt, aut nihil!"
Asterix and Obelix.
THE WALL - 7.5/10
What's that?! A ball! On a rare occasion since he once again
scented the spicy aroma of spit-roasted wannabe WAGs
carried in the Glasgow air, someone from the opposition
cracked a shot at him. First one, he dealt with admirably,
guiding it out away from danger (Bane, take note). The
second, penalty, nae chance.
After that, The Wall had to be The Wall. Solidity is his
superpower. Successful with a new special move -
performing a handstand after saving a dangerous free-kick
to distract ref from awarding a corner. Psyche,
big mhan!
JULLIEN CLARY - 8/10
No mincing about as the NBA guard takes to his new
soccer task. Timing in the tackle was immense, like watching
a mongoosse strike after careful consideration of the
situation. Won every major arial challenge, handled - and
manhandled - the Senegal War-Giant Niang very well
combating his physical prowess; like two big mechas from
the Pacific Rim movie clanking into each other.
FYI, THIS is what a 7 million quid footballer looks like,
Hun interlopers.
AJER - 6.5/10
Ironside fails in battle! Not often that lament echoes
round the halls of Valhalla but there's consternation
in Viking heaven tonight as the favoured son blew up
like a flustered Saxon monk and holed the longship.
He cursed himself before the gods and the Allfather,
and may have sacrificed Morgan Freeman Junior at
half-time as we never saw him all night.
Second-half, descendant of Ragnar was back in the
thick of it, making telling contributions with renewed
composure. He'll learn, etc, etc - yes of course he will.
But frankly, Kris, don't do something so stupid again,
ye big fucking eejit.
BOLIWOOD - 6.5/10
Will he or won't he? Aw f... or aw, nice? Well, Boliwood
will give you his all, just sometimes getting ahead of
himself. Great movement and engine, countering
that with some hairbrained Wacky Races shenanigans
The balance of positivity is STILL in his favour; he's
doing more right than wrong and doing it well.
Looks, though, like fate has dealt him a sore one,
judging by the way he sat on the deck pointing at his
baws .
Groin strain, too much shagging, is the medical
report you will read tomorrow. An HONEST one,
unlike the Ryan Kent one they won't release to
the media. Which simply says in four big
red letters: AIDS.
HAT ATTACK - 7/10
Whilst Nir is back in Israel giving genetic material
to the Mossad Multiplier Program, his clone is curing
our Lustig maudlin by giving consistently laudable
displays in the biggest of games.
Another rambustuous shift saw them thwarted, plenty
of forward expeditions to cause them problems and
can throw a cross in. Star in the making.
BROON - 8.5/10
Brilliant example of brooding menace channelled into
effective leadership. Early yellow card from eccentric
ref when French girl collapsed at his feet (like a few
ladies we know would, fnarr...) did not faze him.
Broon led from the eye of the storm and remained
placid yet murderous (a bewildering state many method
actors should observe). Bossed the crucial combat zone.
CALMAC - 7/10
Almost made the difference. Terrific feet and passing
as ever, but just was a little too caught up in the frantic
midfield action to find the space from where he can
kill a game. Spent the majority of his match battling,
shifting it quick, covering.
No slight on him my aformentioned thoughts, probably
a collective team thing that we didn't quite make the
required time for Calmac to pick the passes. Shame,
as our movement ahead of him was excellent many
a time.
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 9/10 MOTM
What a tireless performance of selfless running, potent
timing and link-up play. Yet started a little sloppy in
the first ten. After he got in tune, Son Of Man had a
noisy stadium as quiet as Lourdes when he was
on the ball. Won a pen that never was with that
top-quality extra burst of pace he possesses.
Finally got to take one and stood up to the pressure
magnificently before the crazy red wall of Rennes ultras.
He's a relentless agitating force when in this form,
an utter nightmare to shadow or control; such a player
in your ranks can force opponents to focus more
on counter than possession; can turn the tide of big
matches as they realise they have to prioritise dealing
with him to the detriment of their own plans; What he
did tonight. Take a bow, kid.
FORREST - 7/10
On big euro nights we usually see Jamesy in flashes.
No laughing at the back. It's in those flashes that
he'll do something to thrill or delight that will be
a game-changer. Alright, the sniggering needs to
stop.
This evening he was again in, then out. Okay,
enough - it's like the 'describe the penis' scene
in Porky's right now; Incidentally, that's exactly how
the glass-collector's polis interview transcript reads...
Anyway, the superstar flasher had everything but
a finish... Oh, for fuck's sake... Was dynamic and t
roublesome - so close to the heroic moment with
a run and shot that somehow slide-ruled just over.
On another day it's bursting the top corner and we
win. It would have been a stunner, or a stauner,
seeing as it's Jamesy...
ELBANGYONHUSSY - 6/10
Not match-sharp enough. Yet. Buuuut...As the
game went on, that first -half we saw that he's
got a nice bit of ability just needing tuned-up.
Was most impressed with his movement - showing
his intrinsic quality as we watched him synchronise
with our attack; looked good when gliding around
with Eddy and Corpus; Rennes struggled to keep
tabs. Think this bhoy will be a match-winner with
some games behind him.
FRENCH EDDY - 6/10
C'est la vie- talk of Francia last week, eyes on him and
he fails to deliver. Worked the line well, harangued by
a monster at centre-back, floated around beautifully in
the first period, made a great run that ended in a booking
for a pish dive - got to work on that diving, Eddy; ask Griff
for tips but on no account prefix with 'muff'...
Second-half he surprised me by fading when I imagined
he'd be finding space against tired Rennes legs. But
unusually his impact became negligible. Obviously me
betting on him to score cursed him... Je suis désolé, Eddy.
SUBS: -
SAM JACKSON - 6/10
Muthufucka comes on an' all muthufuckin' hell breaks loose.
The very presence of this Muthufucka in the land of Chicken
Royale with mayo - HIS Chicken Royale with mayo land! -
and all around the park everyone's gettin' their muthufucka
on, and muthufuckin each other up.
In the middle of it, this Muthufucka kept it righteous,
tellin' people to be muthufuckin cool as Fonzi, but
muthufuckas ain't listenin', runnin' around actin' out
Eizekiel 25:17. Thankfully, Muthufucka added some
composure to our embattled midfield.
SON OF A GUN - N/A
'Go on and rustle them up a bit, son' said Lenny in
the 82nd minute.He didn't mean execute their skipper.
That said, 50-50, tough break. But the keeper's
facepalm moment was ludicrous, and that second
yellow should be overturned. Fair play? Fair gay, more
like!
HAYES - 7/10
We played with ten while we awaited Johnny time-hopping
from a few miles away, yet 100-plus years ago - let THAT
thought fuck you up! - as he abandoned the Green Fields
of France to come to the Hoops aid.
However the quantum-leaping assassin left neither
battlefield empty of bodies as he gave us the
TACKLE OF THE SEASON on their Olympic sprinter
turned right-back.
And how the sensitive Brittany crowd were appalled!
Kerchiefs were flutered to noses and half the main
stand were treated for giddiness. Their players were
administered snuff and Johnny got reported to Interpol.
It was magnificent. As they say in France, "ce fut un
excellent tacle vous des flocons de neige putain!"
LENNONY - 8.5/10
His best European set-up to date, since Barca 2012.
Rennes are no mugs - ask PSG or the shitey wee London
posey team KT joined - and I would have hired my wife
to you for a draw before kick-off. And she's hot...Ssh...
And good at dishes...
Anyway, Lennony took a look at them and we went with
attacking intent. Surprised me, probably Rennes too as
our players actively went in search of control rather than
sit-in. At times our formation resembled 4-3-3 with El
moving in a Holy triad strike formation with Corpus and
Eddy, Jamesy dropping in besdie Broon and Calmac. But
for final balls, a little bad luck, we might have won it.
No complaints about Lennony's game-management will
be tolerated tonight - losing Boli, throwing on the
Muthufucka, having Bayo unjustly red-carded, seeing
his plan initially work then be undermined by a daft
penalty gift; he kept composed and made the right calls.
OVERALL - 8.5/10
Up there with our best away efforts in Europe. Sadly
no victory but we've seen these games smash us in
the face with a baguette in previous times. Tonight
the onion bag (see what I'm doing here, Francophiles?)
was lucky we didn't burst it with more than one.
Denied an utter stonewaller by bit-mad-mental ref and
university freshman linesman/person/thingy/idiot and
of course UEFA's arse-end-from-elbow
decision not to implement VAR but rely on witchcraft
or something.
Nearly took the lead but for Elshagyonlassie's toenails
not being long enough, had to fight back from a situation
that's seen us collapse many a time, and again impose
ourselves on a match we might have sneaked.
After hearing the Vampires pumped the Mussolinis,
this group is anyone's and if we replicate
this display, it WILL be ours.
A great night for the Hoops in Brittany, Gaul-ing for
Asterix, though... Boom-BOOM!
Go Away Now
Sandman Out.
munching twat with a whistle. 
