SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ SATAN'S SANATORIUM

Sandman

Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ SATAN'S SANATORIUM


"When we have reached the depths of despair, only then can we
look up and see the light of hope...”

Stephen Richards.

"...Aye, but JFK just took oot the bulb to save money."

The Celtic Support.





BANE - 5/10

Looked nervous, and no wonder. If they weren't deflecting
past him they were zipping in. Not a chance with the goals,
but teflon gloves at other times.


GREGGS THE BAKER - 4/10

All industry and no class. Huffed and puffed and blew...
every chance for a killer ball. Workrate alone does not
equal celtic quality.



AJER - 6/10

Another stoic, committed performance from someone who
probably wont' be here next season. But for jumping
under the cross for their third he would've been MOTM,
and his impromptu Ricky Villa impersonation late on
would have sealed his legacy as a kid who grew into a
main mhan and gave us all when imposters around him
faked it.


RAQUEL - 4/10

Reasonably solid under pressure but lacking presence
to handle rugged opponents - needs to toughen up and
roughen up; forwards get too easy a time against her.
She'll be scunnered to have been tied up in knots by
an old man in injury time, who saw 1 Million Years B.c
in his local Roxy cinema...



JONJO O'NEILL - 3/10

So the trick is to look pretty competent against
run-of-the-mill pish and somehow get through the
big games unscathed; that's how you forge a lucrative
yet indistinctive top-flight football career.
Offered nothing when we needed solidity and spark.


BROON - 5.5/10

The cruel spittle of fate dismissed Broon's last chance
of glory and summed up the season entire as a miscontrol
broke off Broon's heel right back into the path of the
creature born of Pepe Le Pew being raped by Pluto
from 'The Hills Have Eyes', who thrashed it into the
net.

Stood up well to run midfield Han Solo after 27 minutes,
yet subbed too early which denied him the departing glory
of being sent off for attempted murder.

The final ignomy for a glorious leader, captain and
legend as the pussies around him imploded.



CALMAC - 2/10

His Hun nightmare continues. No solace in the fact he
gave the MIB his first double-orgasm with a flukey Hun
goal and fenian sending-off combination, which will surely
mean obseqious weasel Walsh is awarded some kind of special
golden goat-pumping dildo at the next ludge meeting/Referees'
'conference'.

As for Calmac, started brightly enough and looked in the
mood. The consolation may be that nothing else can possibly
go wrong for him.



JAMESY - 3/10

Off with just a swift flash to show for it. Might be the
story of his Saturday nights but we needed more than a momentary
burst of dynamism. That said, it became apparent 'play it to
Jamesy' was somehow omitted from the teamtalk...



EDDIE TURNBULL - 4/10

Showing his age. Which is 'not yet of'... Still unable to
dominate their backline with his obvious skill - too many
failed flicks and poor balls make him lightweight when he
should be terrorising them. Sitter missed with his head at
a definitive moment to cap off another questionable big game
showing.



ELYANONYMOUSSI - 5/10

Couldn't believe he got a start, and couldn't believe he
fizzed in a beauty, denied by the fingertips of the tangerine
sex-case and the bar.

Couldn't believe he made a great run through them second-half
which deserved a goal.

Twice outing himself in one big game. Feeling alright?

Then couldn't believe he was all smiley-smiley with the retired
snooker player as we sufferred the worst pumping in a long time.

Get back into hiding. Preferrably somewhere on the south coast
of England.



FRENCH EDDY - 6.5/10 MOTM

Le bonce strikes and suddenly we're back in it. 'Le Meditations
On Isolation' is the book Eddy's been writing throughout lockdown -
mainly about his experiences playing up front for Celtic; Jean-Paul
Sartre is said to be existentially metaphysically frothing about it,
according to mediums.

No new chapter to scribe this evening, just more of the same -
a quality inside-forward left to his own devices, scrabbling
around the frontline against unspeakable ugliness.

But he was making inroads against the odds - felt like something
was on whenever he got in between their lumpen drones and
tantalised.

However, grim punchline thrown on 75 minutes as he was pulled
rather than given a partner to have a go for the last 15 minutes.
Genius management, keeping the Eddy whiners in business.



SUBS:

CORPUS CHRISTIE - N/A

Pranced around squealing, "Don't kick me, I'm in the Euros!
Don't kick me I'm in the Euros!" for fifteen minutes as he
snatched the 'Where Are They Now?' trophy from Elanonymoussi.


SORO - N/A

Added some sharpness to the midfield. An hour after he should
have...


MIKEY J - N/A

A brief stint to remind us of the worst of the 80s. Like the
scoreline.




JFK - 2/10

Admirable swift reaction to the Calmac sending-off as he
immediately sacrificed Elanonymoussi for Soro to keep the
engine room intact.

No. No, he didn't.

He left Broon in there alone for another 45 minutes of gametime.

Admirable courage to go two up front and see how they handle a
roasting from a pair of dynamic strikers.

No. No, he didn't.

He subbed off our only striker after 75 minutes in a woeful act
of surrender, calculated at? Keeping the score at 1-3?

Yes. How the fuck did that work out for ya, JFK?

Coup d'etat, pronto, please. I bet it's fucking crowded behind
that grassy knoll now.




OVERALL - 3/11

3 out of 11 isn't a typo - it's the number of times we've beaten
the Huns in the past couple of years.

It's a figment of the imagination from an alternative dark plane
of existence where the revenant ghoul of Walter Smith is overlord
and cackling transexual witch-whore McCoist springs from the shadows
to violate you. Daily.

Or is it?

This seems to be the grim reality culpable insoucianse throughout
Celtic has conjoured from the seemingly impossible position of
horsing those mouthy zombies 4-0 and 5-0 in the space of a week to
claim titles and cups.

Of course, todays' new twist on our nightmare was referee Nick Walsh's
wet dream moment. To be fair, he looks like a former victim of Neely
and Dunn, the Huns former incumbent strike-force - more lethal than any
McMoist/Twately/Judas combo -so there maybe some kind of Stockholm
syndrome-ish complex there we didn't account for...

Still, the season's regression was iced and delivered on a platter.
What do we take from it? Well, our two best performers - one STILL the
top scorer in the country despite him 'not looking interested enough'
(a crucial attribute for any top player...) - will be getting out of
dodge asap.

Wish they weren't, but right now I'd probably question their sanity if
they didn't.

For us who've revelled in a decade of vengeance delivered in often
scintillating style, this remains but an aberration - or should I say,
it BETTER remain but an aberration.

In the grand scheme of things the Huns have probably bust the bank again
and we've kept our powder dry to encourage the money-making 'rivalry'
back to a level where certain stewards of the club will feel fulfilled
in a business sense. Right, Pete?

This season has been the perfect storm of unrealised potential coupled
with professional negligence. Today's result was the statistical
probability of that stew of incompetence.

Just... Fuck's sake, Celtic.


Go Away Now.

Sandman.
 

Shottsghirl

Well-known member
Well said Sandman The player I don't want to lose is Ajer if I live to be 100 I'll never be able to fathom out this season The play was diabolical and the team lost the plot How can we go from being quadruple treble winners to having no heart and offering up the kind of play we know we can do Even on a bad day we could have torn the league apart Whatever it was better have gone for next season we win the league then we're in the group stages of CL The zombies can't be allowed to do this We have to get hep and hit the ground running
 

Brimcbhoy

Well-known member
JK was lucky to get 2/10 We had nothing to lose. Did he do anything bold or brave. Naw, stuck with the same old same old players tactics, (was there any) So where was the plan b in the event of an early sending off. So was plan B wait till we're 3-1 down before you do anything. That's like fixing only 2 of your leaking windows in your submarine. Now he's done all the uefa coarses and got his badges, yet he done fuck all. Twat.
 

The Shamrock

Well-known member
Whilst giving the goat a good seeing to the brothers must have cast a spell or hex on our house for us to have fallen to the depths we have this season. Never in the history of the universe have a team lost the plot the way ours has so I can only believe that the malevolent forces of evil have been called upon by the mutants and their Alister Crowley scrapbook.
 

Tony Soprano

Well-known member
Left completely alone to cope with being outnumbered by players with twice his pace. Thought he handled it well enough; could have been completely overrun if Gerrard had concentrated them down the middle.
Shouldnae have been on the park in the first place in my opinion .
 

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