Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ SENSITIVE ORANGE-GROWING BATPEOPLE (Part 1) :
"Thee Celteeks insult thee bet of Bal-en-thee-a so I get my beeg fasheest steek and thresh da cojones de la
travelling Tims. I like very much to batter thee joyous Tims of Celteeks because it like heeting the Catalunyans
- I speet on the Barca! - and thee hurting Tims give me beeg pantaloon tent an I go home an' make bungee-bungee weeth my beeg hairy Spanish fasheest wife an' she use my beeg fasheest steek on my big fasheest ar..."
Fat Raul, Guardia Civil Riot Division
"Red card! Red card! Red card! It was a red card. Red! Most definitely a red card. I'm an MP, so I know these things.
The Rrrangerrrs player was viciously assaulted! Rrrangerrrs should have been awarded a penalty too for the vicious
assault - but we haven't managed to mangle that rule yet to benefit the Rrrangerrs.
I'm considering tabling a motion in Parliament about it, and the Rrrangerrs, of course. I discussed it with the
referee Alan Muir as we showered together after the game. He has such soft hands, you know."
Douglas Ross, Conservative MP and Rrrangerrs mascot/linesman.
"The Glasgow Rangers support are much maligned but the atmosphere they generate is to be admired - I often
use them as the perfect behavioural example to our members as a group to be emulated and exemplified."
David Duke, Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan
BANE - 9/10
In the land of the bats, this supervillain would not be fazed. Aside from a Gordon-esque wayward
pass or two when their press came on, the Dayglo Denier produced acrobatics as the tumultuous opening
half closed. The first of his stops in particular translated into the universal parlance of millions of
football fans as 'What. A. Fucking. Save'
TOEJAM - 3/10
Looked promising early on, then CALAMITY. First impressions were that he was unlucky, then you see
Broony and the other players reactions, and realised he was an irredeemable clown. BR defended his
catch to the hilt, but he would...
Got found out in the first leg, got owned tonight - or 'pwned', irritating 14-year-old CHEATING
Fortnite gamers...
Posed the awkward question - Lustig? Would Micka Lustig have blown up so early tonight? With his vast
experience of big games at imposing venues?
There's certainly no denying the truth - our loan signing from one of Germany's top outfits, brought
in to replace a controversial figure to the great satisfaction of the boo-bhoys, made the biggest
fucking arse of it on the big stage.
BOYATA - 7/10
9 million. NINE million. Will go down as one of the greatest mistakes in the transfer market ever
made. Almost put the jerseys up for sale first half but to be fair, with Jozo coaching him, got his
act together and made some telling interceptions later in the game. On the ball on his own at the back,
still almost as frightening as watching The Exorcist in the Vatican catacombs. On Halloween.
JOZO - 9/10 MOTM
Said it before and I'll keep saying it - our best natural defender; fantastic instincts. What a perfromance
of composed reading of the game. Closed the space, picked off the passes, made the challenges.
Brilliant defending in that torrid pre-half-time phase.
Keep him fit and sharp and put him in charge at the back. Soon as the title's tied up, kick Dedryck to Xbox couchland and pair up big Kris with Jozo to develop an understanding for the CL qualifiers.
AJER - 8.5/10
Thank providence for the secret Aryan breeding program initiated - ahem, around 75 years ago - in Norway by some - ahem, asylum-seeking non-Norwegian-national scientists - that has resulted in this giant Praetorian Guard of a player with the perfect preofessional attitude.
Almost became legend, however, missed a SITTER with his big blonde heid. But he'll die for the cause, which
coincidentally is hardwired into his DNA through the genetic manipulation of the sequence of nucleotide base
pairs by the Naz... By the 'Maternity Doctors' in charge of his birth program...
Move on!
BROON - 8.5/10
Imperious. Early booking after welcoming Valencia's star man to the contest. Played on as if the yellow never
happened - scarily, looked like he actually didn't believe it did; not in Broonworld - and was immense, again causing the Broon naysayers to tug at their hair more furiously than a Hun at his forelock as he prostrates himself before the Queen's cloven hooves.
A great performance of experience and leadership. Unfortunate that it was part of a defeat, his display deserved a better conclusion.
HAYES - 7/10
An able deputisation at left-back, from our dimension-hopping refugee Tommy from the green fields of France
(see what i did their, sentimental ballad lovers?).
Marred only by his error for their goal - caught ball-watching right under it and let Wass, the misspelled
first and third person singular of the past tense of be, sneak in like a pesky Jerry coming in over no-man's
land under cover of night, to set up the goal (off La Groin's knee, unfortunate-ricochetly).
Still, Hayes proved his worth to the brigade with his additional trick of bursting runs a la KT which unsettled them;
work on that final ball, Johnny, like you were lobbing a grenade into a Hun trench.
CALMAC - 6.5/10
Too quiet. Wandered too much. Needs to work more to get on the ball because when he did he looked capable and dangerous.
Often a spectator tonight as play raged ahead of him ; lay very deep, Broon picking up the ball in advanced-mid positions best suited to Calmac's guile. If he'd gotten on the ball more, we would have opened them up constantly. Ten-men set-up stifled him a bit.
Continued BRAZENLY in Part 2...
"Thee Celteeks insult thee bet of Bal-en-thee-a so I get my beeg fasheest steek and thresh da cojones de la
travelling Tims. I like very much to batter thee joyous Tims of Celteeks because it like heeting the Catalunyans
- I speet on the Barca! - and thee hurting Tims give me beeg pantaloon tent an I go home an' make bungee-bungee weeth my beeg hairy Spanish fasheest wife an' she use my beeg fasheest steek on my big fasheest ar..."
Fat Raul, Guardia Civil Riot Division
"Red card! Red card! Red card! It was a red card. Red! Most definitely a red card. I'm an MP, so I know these things.
The Rrrangerrrs player was viciously assaulted! Rrrangerrrs should have been awarded a penalty too for the vicious
assault - but we haven't managed to mangle that rule yet to benefit the Rrrangerrs.
I'm considering tabling a motion in Parliament about it, and the Rrrangerrs, of course. I discussed it with the
referee Alan Muir as we showered together after the game. He has such soft hands, you know."
Douglas Ross, Conservative MP and Rrrangerrs mascot/linesman.
"The Glasgow Rangers support are much maligned but the atmosphere they generate is to be admired - I often
use them as the perfect behavioural example to our members as a group to be emulated and exemplified."
David Duke, Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan
BANE - 9/10
In the land of the bats, this supervillain would not be fazed. Aside from a Gordon-esque wayward
pass or two when their press came on, the Dayglo Denier produced acrobatics as the tumultuous opening
half closed. The first of his stops in particular translated into the universal parlance of millions of
football fans as 'What. A. Fucking. Save'
TOEJAM - 3/10
Looked promising early on, then CALAMITY. First impressions were that he was unlucky, then you see
Broony and the other players reactions, and realised he was an irredeemable clown. BR defended his
catch to the hilt, but he would...
Got found out in the first leg, got owned tonight - or 'pwned', irritating 14-year-old CHEATING
Fortnite gamers...
Posed the awkward question - Lustig? Would Micka Lustig have blown up so early tonight? With his vast
experience of big games at imposing venues?
There's certainly no denying the truth - our loan signing from one of Germany's top outfits, brought
in to replace a controversial figure to the great satisfaction of the boo-bhoys, made the biggest
fucking arse of it on the big stage.
BOYATA - 7/10
9 million. NINE million. Will go down as one of the greatest mistakes in the transfer market ever
made. Almost put the jerseys up for sale first half but to be fair, with Jozo coaching him, got his
act together and made some telling interceptions later in the game. On the ball on his own at the back,
still almost as frightening as watching The Exorcist in the Vatican catacombs. On Halloween.
JOZO - 9/10 MOTM
Said it before and I'll keep saying it - our best natural defender; fantastic instincts. What a perfromance
of composed reading of the game. Closed the space, picked off the passes, made the challenges.
Brilliant defending in that torrid pre-half-time phase.
Keep him fit and sharp and put him in charge at the back. Soon as the title's tied up, kick Dedryck to Xbox couchland and pair up big Kris with Jozo to develop an understanding for the CL qualifiers.
AJER - 8.5/10
Thank providence for the secret Aryan breeding program initiated - ahem, around 75 years ago - in Norway by some - ahem, asylum-seeking non-Norwegian-national scientists - that has resulted in this giant Praetorian Guard of a player with the perfect preofessional attitude.
Almost became legend, however, missed a SITTER with his big blonde heid. But he'll die for the cause, which
coincidentally is hardwired into his DNA through the genetic manipulation of the sequence of nucleotide base
pairs by the Naz... By the 'Maternity Doctors' in charge of his birth program...
Move on!
BROON - 8.5/10
Imperious. Early booking after welcoming Valencia's star man to the contest. Played on as if the yellow never
happened - scarily, looked like he actually didn't believe it did; not in Broonworld - and was immense, again causing the Broon naysayers to tug at their hair more furiously than a Hun at his forelock as he prostrates himself before the Queen's cloven hooves.
A great performance of experience and leadership. Unfortunate that it was part of a defeat, his display deserved a better conclusion.
HAYES - 7/10
An able deputisation at left-back, from our dimension-hopping refugee Tommy from the green fields of France
(see what i did their, sentimental ballad lovers?).
Marred only by his error for their goal - caught ball-watching right under it and let Wass, the misspelled
first and third person singular of the past tense of be, sneak in like a pesky Jerry coming in over no-man's
land under cover of night, to set up the goal (off La Groin's knee, unfortunate-ricochetly).
Still, Hayes proved his worth to the brigade with his additional trick of bursting runs a la KT which unsettled them;
work on that final ball, Johnny, like you were lobbing a grenade into a Hun trench.
CALMAC - 6.5/10
Too quiet. Wandered too much. Needs to work more to get on the ball because when he did he looked capable and dangerous.
Often a spectator tonight as play raged ahead of him ; lay very deep, Broon picking up the ball in advanced-mid positions best suited to Calmac's guile. If he'd gotten on the ball more, we would have opened them up constantly. Ten-men set-up stifled him a bit.
Continued BRAZENLY in Part 2...
