Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ SHAKA ZULU
"Best ride I ever had? Well, a gentleman doesn't tell.
All I'll say is she was fucking posh and there was a
horse bridle involved..."
- From TV Documentary, 'Unlikely Celebrities Of The
Eighties': Michael Fagan interview segment.
ROXIE - 6.5/10
Bam! Big Joe caught out by a swishing finish that had
him in mental no-man's land, anticipating both a cutback,
and a strike.
Actually indicative of our overall luck as the rampaging
Jesus freak swiped it at pace up between Joe's shoulder
and hand; probably the only and perfectly sweet spot for
getting it in.
Any culpability was redeemed with subsequent safe handling,
command, and a 'keeper's save' speciality as he got the extra
dig in to scoop away a fortunate sclaff by John Wayne's spare
shed.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 8/10 MOTM
"Madreed? Pah! Sheektar? Pah!"
Fantastically solid and industrious - as we've come to
expect. Add in tenacity, with extra quality and positional
nous gleaned from playing under Ange, and this former wee
Scottish journeyman is standing tall on the biggest domestic
stage there is. Again.
BIG MERCEDES - 7/10
So close to glory. Useful as a CB who can step into mid
and not waste a pass, also has a goal in him. Segued well
with CCV as a formidable twosome who had to handle their
physical threats and nullify. Pass completion was exemplary
- vorsprung dur, etc, but other badge... - and but for a
laspse in injury time that stuck hearts in throats he was
again worthy of a CL spot.
GET CARTER - 7/10
Stomin' Norman attitude as he pranged their lumbering Easten
Block O' Wid time and again, winning every necessary battle
with aplomb. Sharp to intercept and sharp to distribute with
intelligence. CCV enjoyed his romp in Europe as much as the
17th Airborne in the Paris whorehouses back in '45. Though
that was all the action they saw...
JURAN JURAN - 6/10
As volatile as the Bitcoin price. Lashed a cultivated
clearance that became a spectacular pass to set up the
opener.
Then got skinned by Bible John Haaland for their equaliser.
Then wasted great attacking options with heavy touches
late-on, whilst providing electrifying support that had
them pinned.
He's our eccentric footballing conundrum, much as
buffet-destroying Alfie is to them across the city;
Except JJ's not a cunt.
CALMAC - 7/10
The Neverending Story; an irritating bleated 80s tune by
mulleted Hun icon Limahl, but remixed for the 21st Century
by Calmac, whose boots play out a finer rendition with an
incessant rhythmic quality by which Angeball functions.
Only when Calmac's engine idles do the opposition get a
foothold. That they did as our midfield failed to cover
his hiatus. But once he was back calling the shots, the
platform was built for a victory that sadly never came.
THE BUILDER - 6.5/10
More CL moments of great quality from the viking kid.
Played very high all first-half, as high as I've seen
him all season, forcing the press that should have
facilitated the goals that killed them off before
half-time.
Has a sublime quality to him that will evolve into
something special and matchwinning. And the chicks love
him too. Get the Matty merch out, Celtic.
HAKUNA HATATE - 7/10
They stole the goal! Dishonoured and fucking raging,
the wee mhan will feel robbed by the 'O.G' decision;
Despite the fact he was trying to tee up Kyogo...
Give him space and feed him the ball early and he'll
pick a peach or two. Seemingly heavy pitch took its
toll on him tonight but not before he'd shown he can
cut it at this level.
MR.KOBAYASHI - 6/10
Ah, nae luck Kyogo San; denied by a boot in the opening
minute, too generous to pinch his buddy's goal with a
tap-in, then stifled in the Land Of Giants as we failed
to open up their bottleneck central defence and he
departed without another clear sniff of goal.
NOTEBOOK - 6.5/10
He shares your frustration. After looking set to jig
them off their feet in the first fifteen, he switched
wings and faded.
Then got himself back on the left second 45 and resumed
the dance-off, blowing his big moment with a stumble
after a Jinky meander across their box. Next game, kid;
it'll come.
HACKY SACK 6/10
Well, started a real liverwire and his weighted slip was
perfect for Reo to score. But the wing switch with Jota
backfired for both, with Hacky Sack suffering most and
fading from the action. Still, give him some more game-time
and familiarity with the system and hope for fireworks.
Like on Monday. We won't be playing, but expect fireworks...
SUBS -
SON OF JACKIE - 5.5/10
Ooohhh, the big barbarian unit had this made for him.
Possessing the physique to bring down the twin towers
at the centre of their backline without hijacking anything,
he both succeeded and failed in equal measure; created the
precious chances for himself and then squandered them.
The big miss in particular - a stick-on as he swivelled on
it. Damn. Then the last second slap on the heid by the
keeper; shot of luck as the ball came off his shoulder
rather than his majestic Greek bonce which would have
delivered the energy to propell it in. Damn, once more.
ABADASS - N/A
Good to see the kid on to rustle them with his pace,
but never given enough time and they were off the hook.
MOOEY - 6/10
Another cameo worthy of note. Strode around well at
ease, letting Calmac loose higher up to pin them in,
and was efficient and purposeful on the ball.
EDDIE TURNBULL - N/A
Good grief, old bastard back in Poland for the first
time since he helped liberate Auschwitz and he pays
tribute by launching the ball over the bar to freedom
like he was flipping an inmate over a fence. Get yer
eye in, Eddie T.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6.5/10
Ooft, a baw hair from glory. Not that he's got any
(manscaping, ladies...) going by his napper, but
inches from winning connection with his standing left
peg after a sliding attempt.
Steamed around the joint getting tight in their faces
and nearly attained honourable glory with a nicely
executed overhead bang on target; though also straight
in the face of a fortunate defender who saved the day
for Shaktar.
ANITA DOBSON - 7.5/10
"Fuck it, go get 'em" seemed to be the team-talk and
the Bhoys did as asked. Could Shagbag take it like
Madrid? No, they couldn't...
But we couldn't pocket the golden tickets either,
and passed up more chances than Ange would get in a
Nunnery. Only quibble is that he waited a tad longer
than usual to deploy his subs, giving them enough
respite from our relentless pace to consolidate their
defensive strategy
But Ange still spent the latter stages of the game
slicking his hair back in disbelief with the hands
that were never off his head. Tomorrow's training
sorted then: Ball; Goals; kick it in.
OVERALL - 7.5/10
Left anguished by only a CL draw against a team who
just shredded Leipzig away last week; how far we've
come in such a short time.
Yet, the order of the night was indeed frustration.
Both at letting a convincing opening period slip,
and not capitalizing on later dominance to wrangle
a deserved win out of a stubborn opponent.
Unlike the boot-licking supplicants across Glasgow,
this representative in the CL is winning Scottish
football praise for our aggressive attacking poise.
Results going our way, a couple of wins out of our
next three games might set up a second-place triumph.
Given what we've seen that's more than hope for this
squad; you could go as far as to call it a distinct
probability, never mind a possibility. Keep it going
Bhoys, this is certainly no time for mourning...
Go Away Now
Sandman
"Best ride I ever had? Well, a gentleman doesn't tell.
All I'll say is she was fucking posh and there was a
horse bridle involved..."
- From TV Documentary, 'Unlikely Celebrities Of The
Eighties': Michael Fagan interview segment.
ROXIE - 6.5/10
Bam! Big Joe caught out by a swishing finish that had
him in mental no-man's land, anticipating both a cutback,
and a strike.
Actually indicative of our overall luck as the rampaging
Jesus freak swiped it at pace up between Joe's shoulder
and hand; probably the only and perfectly sweet spot for
getting it in.
Any culpability was redeemed with subsequent safe handling,
command, and a 'keeper's save' speciality as he got the extra
dig in to scoop away a fortunate sclaff by John Wayne's spare
shed.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 8/10 MOTM
"Madreed? Pah! Sheektar? Pah!"
Fantastically solid and industrious - as we've come to
expect. Add in tenacity, with extra quality and positional
nous gleaned from playing under Ange, and this former wee
Scottish journeyman is standing tall on the biggest domestic
stage there is. Again.
BIG MERCEDES - 7/10
So close to glory. Useful as a CB who can step into mid
and not waste a pass, also has a goal in him. Segued well
with CCV as a formidable twosome who had to handle their
physical threats and nullify. Pass completion was exemplary
- vorsprung dur, etc, but other badge... - and but for a
laspse in injury time that stuck hearts in throats he was
again worthy of a CL spot.
GET CARTER - 7/10
Stomin' Norman attitude as he pranged their lumbering Easten
Block O' Wid time and again, winning every necessary battle
with aplomb. Sharp to intercept and sharp to distribute with
intelligence. CCV enjoyed his romp in Europe as much as the
17th Airborne in the Paris whorehouses back in '45. Though
that was all the action they saw...
JURAN JURAN - 6/10
As volatile as the Bitcoin price. Lashed a cultivated
clearance that became a spectacular pass to set up the
opener.
Then got skinned by Bible John Haaland for their equaliser.
Then wasted great attacking options with heavy touches
late-on, whilst providing electrifying support that had
them pinned.
He's our eccentric footballing conundrum, much as
buffet-destroying Alfie is to them across the city;
Except JJ's not a cunt.
CALMAC - 7/10
The Neverending Story; an irritating bleated 80s tune by
mulleted Hun icon Limahl, but remixed for the 21st Century
by Calmac, whose boots play out a finer rendition with an
incessant rhythmic quality by which Angeball functions.
Only when Calmac's engine idles do the opposition get a
foothold. That they did as our midfield failed to cover
his hiatus. But once he was back calling the shots, the
platform was built for a victory that sadly never came.
THE BUILDER - 6.5/10
More CL moments of great quality from the viking kid.
Played very high all first-half, as high as I've seen
him all season, forcing the press that should have
facilitated the goals that killed them off before
half-time.
Has a sublime quality to him that will evolve into
something special and matchwinning. And the chicks love
him too. Get the Matty merch out, Celtic.
HAKUNA HATATE - 7/10
They stole the goal! Dishonoured and fucking raging,
the wee mhan will feel robbed by the 'O.G' decision;
Despite the fact he was trying to tee up Kyogo...
Give him space and feed him the ball early and he'll
pick a peach or two. Seemingly heavy pitch took its
toll on him tonight but not before he'd shown he can
cut it at this level.
MR.KOBAYASHI - 6/10
Ah, nae luck Kyogo San; denied by a boot in the opening
minute, too generous to pinch his buddy's goal with a
tap-in, then stifled in the Land Of Giants as we failed
to open up their bottleneck central defence and he
departed without another clear sniff of goal.
NOTEBOOK - 6.5/10
He shares your frustration. After looking set to jig
them off their feet in the first fifteen, he switched
wings and faded.
Then got himself back on the left second 45 and resumed
the dance-off, blowing his big moment with a stumble
after a Jinky meander across their box. Next game, kid;
it'll come.
HACKY SACK 6/10
Well, started a real liverwire and his weighted slip was
perfect for Reo to score. But the wing switch with Jota
backfired for both, with Hacky Sack suffering most and
fading from the action. Still, give him some more game-time
and familiarity with the system and hope for fireworks.
Like on Monday. We won't be playing, but expect fireworks...
SUBS -
SON OF JACKIE - 5.5/10
Ooohhh, the big barbarian unit had this made for him.
Possessing the physique to bring down the twin towers
at the centre of their backline without hijacking anything,
he both succeeded and failed in equal measure; created the
precious chances for himself and then squandered them.
The big miss in particular - a stick-on as he swivelled on
it. Damn. Then the last second slap on the heid by the
keeper; shot of luck as the ball came off his shoulder
rather than his majestic Greek bonce which would have
delivered the energy to propell it in. Damn, once more.
ABADASS - N/A
Good to see the kid on to rustle them with his pace,
but never given enough time and they were off the hook.
MOOEY - 6/10
Another cameo worthy of note. Strode around well at
ease, letting Calmac loose higher up to pin them in,
and was efficient and purposeful on the ball.
EDDIE TURNBULL - N/A
Good grief, old bastard back in Poland for the first
time since he helped liberate Auschwitz and he pays
tribute by launching the ball over the bar to freedom
like he was flipping an inmate over a fence. Get yer
eye in, Eddie T.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6.5/10
Ooft, a baw hair from glory. Not that he's got any
(manscaping, ladies...) going by his napper, but
inches from winning connection with his standing left
peg after a sliding attempt.
Steamed around the joint getting tight in their faces
and nearly attained honourable glory with a nicely
executed overhead bang on target; though also straight
in the face of a fortunate defender who saved the day
for Shaktar.
ANITA DOBSON - 7.5/10
"Fuck it, go get 'em" seemed to be the team-talk and
the Bhoys did as asked. Could Shagbag take it like
Madrid? No, they couldn't...
But we couldn't pocket the golden tickets either,
and passed up more chances than Ange would get in a
Nunnery. Only quibble is that he waited a tad longer
than usual to deploy his subs, giving them enough
respite from our relentless pace to consolidate their
defensive strategy
But Ange still spent the latter stages of the game
slicking his hair back in disbelief with the hands
that were never off his head. Tomorrow's training
sorted then: Ball; Goals; kick it in.
OVERALL - 7.5/10
Left anguished by only a CL draw against a team who
just shredded Leipzig away last week; how far we've
come in such a short time.
Yet, the order of the night was indeed frustration.
Both at letting a convincing opening period slip,
and not capitalizing on later dominance to wrangle
a deserved win out of a stubborn opponent.
Unlike the boot-licking supplicants across Glasgow,
this representative in the CL is winning Scottish
football praise for our aggressive attacking poise.
Results going our way, a couple of wins out of our
next three games might set up a second-place triumph.
Given what we've seen that's more than hope for this
squad; you could go as far as to call it a distinct
probability, never mind a possibility. Keep it going
Bhoys, this is certainly no time for mourning...
Go Away Now
Sandman
Totally agree the baker was mom
