Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ THE GLOBE
"I weel have just the one more pie, a wafffer-theeen one.
What could possibly go wrong?"
Former Thistle Chairman, Mr.Creosote, minutes before he blew up. RIP.
THE WALL - 7/10
Appropriately played the role of background scenery at thespians' favourite soccer
amphitheatre. Little required to do but chuckle at Kenny Misser and face a last-gasp
pen which he got close to. Ably coped with half-efforts and his footwork was in tune
when required.
PINGPONG - 6/10
Drew the attentions of growling set-extras and stagehands who bullied him around.
However, his energy is irresistible and he overcame the physical treatment to be
a thorn in their jaggy sides (see what I did there, indigenous weed and pun fans?).
Brilliant recovery to intervene on the non-penalty and cause the lad to miss the
open goal; also a brilliant early warning for us all of the shenanigans we will
face with dubious decisions this coming spring...
BITTON - N/A
Five minutes, he lasted, due to his own fucking sportsmanship; Hun tactics
used to take a quick shy and catch us on the hop for what turned out to be a
phantom Pistle injury. Not so for the strident Israelite - superb recovery tackle
cost him.
JULLIEN CLARY - 6/10
Was always going to be a match for him to virtually dictate pace of play from
the backline. Did so with appropriate verve, with a seeming two-touch mantra to
keep the tempo alive.
Dangerous at every corner, probably should have nodded one in first 45, produced
a great save later. Then blew up with his weakest trait- complacency; failed to
get his shape right and connect with the backpass that let the forward in to...
well, Kenny Misser it. Until the idiot Hun with the whistle intervened and
penalised Pingpong. Focus for 90 minutes, ya big flamboyant sophisticat.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6/10
Competent and busy as he tried to run off a couple of stones put on with his
excellent Xmas slices/melt edibles; God knows they complimented seven pints,
anyway...
His final ball could do with some work, and his touch ocassionally heavy but
that may come with game-time.
BROON - 7/10
Chuck Norris and Broon do not sleep. They wait. And like a bear from hibernation,
the Captain roared out of his cage and into the malestrom once more. Well, into
a Saturday-evening tuning session.
Great control of the middle to lay foundations, untroubled by random flailing
assaults of no-mark grunts - they bounced off him, and he remained there or
thereabouts to break-up and set-up with great regularity through the ninety.
CALMAC - 6.5/10
Off to a fine start but seemed to fade then would pop up again looking dangerous.
But rusty inconsistency dogged him. Wandered around their forty-man midfield
probing and trying to create space. Sharpness will come and so will chances if
we keep him as high up the pitch. Showed his attacking worth with the crisply-hit
but deflected second; he's as quick-witted as many forwards at finding room and
getting a shot off around the box.
SAM JACKSON - 6.5/10
Gettin back in the muthufuckin groove, muthufuckas. Never saw no Lille-y-livered
French bids for this Muthufucka, so the stage is set for him to eventually leave
a muthufuckin' legend of the NINE.
Damn calm and controlled performance - discipline, muthufuckas, discipline! -
without the need to lay down the law; shepherded the Hoops through the valley
of poshness and emerged unscathed, more pimped and ready to dish out muthufuckin'
righteousness when it really counts; starting Wednesday.
ROGIC - 8/10 MOTM
Did somebody shout FIRE!? For once, big ambling Oz may be happy to be in
the midst of a Scottish winter while back home Midnight Oil's classic gets
a revival as the beds ARE actually burning.
Our very own firestarter got a start to see if we're going to get the class
back that will carry us through to a triumphant May. Signs were good - offers
Calmac someone on the same wavelength and their combo resulted in the opener.
Would he fade? Well, not before injecting some true skill and guile into
proceedings with pure craftmaship and his tinny-opening left paw. Played with
a smile, made us smile, may it be the start of a long run of beguiling grace.
GRIFF - 6/10
"Two up front" said Lennony, and Griff immediately got excited. Calm returned
when he realised the reference was nothing to do with boobs. But there was a
starting place for him!
So he stepepd into the last chance Saloon with his six-guns drawn. Appeared out
of the ether to score the first Celtic goal of the new decade, and we hope it
won't be his last.
Quiet thereafter as we struggled to give him genuine chances. All about his
attitude now; talk with yer feet, Sparky.
FRENCH EDDY - 6/10
Lively and sharp. Early header and half-hit shot set the table. Skimmed the
post with free-kick; when? was the question. Not today was the Keystone Cops
answer as Eddy challenged Misser to a comic-cuts, El Fluffalo stars-in-yer-eyes
parody competition with a mis-kick to blow a sitter, followed by the flipside
of that coin as a magnificent effort was fingertipped onto the bar.
Not today, mon ami.
SUBS:
JOZO - 5/10
Let's hope big Nir's injury is nothing, because it was almost worth
it to see Kenny Misser burst into tears when Jozo galloped onto the
park.
And even though Jozo careered around like an ostrich chasing a balloon
in a tornado, his very presence brought the comedy highlight of the
game when Kenny lived up to his monicker and hit the post from
1cm out.
By that point, of course, Pistle had a psycologist in the stand wired
up to an earpiece in Kenny's peanut-heid to talk him through the game:
"You're in a safe space, a safe space; Simunovic is five yards away,
no, four... Um, Three... No, no, it's okay - he's tackling somebody
else...Breathe, kenny, breathe... Six yards from you now... Do you
need a change of incontinence pad at half-time?"
Thankfully, Jozo settled down to 'Gulag Overwatch' mode second-half and
composure took him through unscathed.
POLISH PADDY - N/A
Here comes the Wild Bhoy wo wipe them out. Well, one touch and a rap on
the ankles. Reminds me of early-90s Last Great White Hope Stuart Slater,
hope he's got the skill level but not the same finishing ability...
SHOWUSYER - N/A
...Arzani... Appearing form the mists of time - or possibly the Aussie
smoke... - the cheap-gag, rhyming-slang wing-wizard gets his chance now
that Morgan Freeman Jr has moved to the States to be closer to his Dad.
The vacancy of manager's favourite son is open. Can the diminutive
Australian reproduce the childhood skills he honed dancing away from
the world's deadliest creatures in his own back garden and win Lennony's
heart? Well, he'll need more than five minutes. And a kick of the ball
might help, too.
LENNONY - 7/10
He'll be satisfied with that - plenty of pitfalls awaited as a ring-rusty
side went in against hod-carrying battlers with nothing to lose. Played
two up, fair enough - though we still might be better reverting to that
if one isn't working instead of letting defensive oppostion settle into
combating two from the start. But what the FUCK would I know? Nothing,
Sandman. Exactamundo.
However, he got the result despite late nonsense - a warning enough to
him he must have the players ready for all sorts of officialdom shenanigans
in the name of their brothers in this most epic of five months to come.
OVERALL - 7/10
Partick Thistle's traditional local arch-rivals, The Kelvinside Kants
(Immanuel, please, peasants...) who play out of Mr.s Miggins' Great Western
Road tearoom, 'Shivermetingles'in the 'La Thespiana West End Sunday League',
refer to Thistle as the Hoi Polloi.
Coincidentally, this insult among arty-fannies was also the name of a late
1980s Glasgow designer (well, somebody ironed unpronouncable names onto snider
gear) clothes emporium, where Hun stalwart Ian McCall cut his teeth shoplifting
after Rangers training on Fridays. Or so you heard, allegedly, on the interweb.
Just there.
The gruff ex-jakey, ex-Hun who pulled a Rodgers on Ayr United last year
certainly recalls his 80s conditioning fondly under the spell of The Beast,
attemping here to summon the rancid spirit of Terry Hurlock and disrupt the
Celtic playmakers with good old-fashioned Tim-maiming the directive of the day.
Thankfully, some early rambunctious challenges came to nothing as the Hoops
were fleet-footed enough to get their defensive block chasing shadows.
After that, it looked a matter of time before we killed the game off, and
therein told the story of the last months of 2019 - fish off the hook, players
who should have been cruising for 5-0, labouring at 1-0 through the seventy
minute mark.
Perhaps the spark will come with Polish Paddy to compliment a misfiring French
Eddy. Perhaps the chances will multiply as new energy is added to the midfield
with the arrival of the promising Japanese galactic smuggler, Han Soro.
Perhaps an exciting run towards the NINE and schadenfreude overload as the Huns
eat their own heids with perma-ragin' angst.
All perhaps. But here we go again, as the song says.
So as Groundhog Day approaches, we who front-ran it twice in a row with the
Nightmare After Christmas get to hope Puxatawney Phil gives the nod to more
deja-vu and Celts deliver the same finish to this season as last.
Quadrophenia Rebel Treble still on course.
Nice warm-up. Main business starts Wednesday. Strap in for death or glory. Get yer
shades on, here comes the lens flare.
Sandman. Back in the groove. Muthufuckas.
"I weel have just the one more pie, a wafffer-theeen one.
What could possibly go wrong?"
Former Thistle Chairman, Mr.Creosote, minutes before he blew up. RIP.
THE WALL - 7/10
Appropriately played the role of background scenery at thespians' favourite soccer
amphitheatre. Little required to do but chuckle at Kenny Misser and face a last-gasp
pen which he got close to. Ably coped with half-efforts and his footwork was in tune
when required.
PINGPONG - 6/10
Drew the attentions of growling set-extras and stagehands who bullied him around.
However, his energy is irresistible and he overcame the physical treatment to be
a thorn in their jaggy sides (see what I did there, indigenous weed and pun fans?).
Brilliant recovery to intervene on the non-penalty and cause the lad to miss the
open goal; also a brilliant early warning for us all of the shenanigans we will
face with dubious decisions this coming spring...
BITTON - N/A
Five minutes, he lasted, due to his own fucking sportsmanship; Hun tactics
used to take a quick shy and catch us on the hop for what turned out to be a
phantom Pistle injury. Not so for the strident Israelite - superb recovery tackle
cost him.
JULLIEN CLARY - 6/10
Was always going to be a match for him to virtually dictate pace of play from
the backline. Did so with appropriate verve, with a seeming two-touch mantra to
keep the tempo alive.
Dangerous at every corner, probably should have nodded one in first 45, produced
a great save later. Then blew up with his weakest trait- complacency; failed to
get his shape right and connect with the backpass that let the forward in to...
well, Kenny Misser it. Until the idiot Hun with the whistle intervened and
penalised Pingpong. Focus for 90 minutes, ya big flamboyant sophisticat.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6/10
Competent and busy as he tried to run off a couple of stones put on with his
excellent Xmas slices/melt edibles; God knows they complimented seven pints,
anyway...
His final ball could do with some work, and his touch ocassionally heavy but
that may come with game-time.
BROON - 7/10
Chuck Norris and Broon do not sleep. They wait. And like a bear from hibernation,
the Captain roared out of his cage and into the malestrom once more. Well, into
a Saturday-evening tuning session.
Great control of the middle to lay foundations, untroubled by random flailing
assaults of no-mark grunts - they bounced off him, and he remained there or
thereabouts to break-up and set-up with great regularity through the ninety.
CALMAC - 6.5/10
Off to a fine start but seemed to fade then would pop up again looking dangerous.
But rusty inconsistency dogged him. Wandered around their forty-man midfield
probing and trying to create space. Sharpness will come and so will chances if
we keep him as high up the pitch. Showed his attacking worth with the crisply-hit
but deflected second; he's as quick-witted as many forwards at finding room and
getting a shot off around the box.
SAM JACKSON - 6.5/10
Gettin back in the muthufuckin groove, muthufuckas. Never saw no Lille-y-livered
French bids for this Muthufucka, so the stage is set for him to eventually leave
a muthufuckin' legend of the NINE.
Damn calm and controlled performance - discipline, muthufuckas, discipline! -
without the need to lay down the law; shepherded the Hoops through the valley
of poshness and emerged unscathed, more pimped and ready to dish out muthufuckin'
righteousness when it really counts; starting Wednesday.
ROGIC - 8/10 MOTM
Did somebody shout FIRE!? For once, big ambling Oz may be happy to be in
the midst of a Scottish winter while back home Midnight Oil's classic gets
a revival as the beds ARE actually burning.
Our very own firestarter got a start to see if we're going to get the class
back that will carry us through to a triumphant May. Signs were good - offers
Calmac someone on the same wavelength and their combo resulted in the opener.
Would he fade? Well, not before injecting some true skill and guile into
proceedings with pure craftmaship and his tinny-opening left paw. Played with
a smile, made us smile, may it be the start of a long run of beguiling grace.
GRIFF - 6/10
"Two up front" said Lennony, and Griff immediately got excited. Calm returned
when he realised the reference was nothing to do with boobs. But there was a
starting place for him!
So he stepepd into the last chance Saloon with his six-guns drawn. Appeared out
of the ether to score the first Celtic goal of the new decade, and we hope it
won't be his last.
Quiet thereafter as we struggled to give him genuine chances. All about his
attitude now; talk with yer feet, Sparky.
FRENCH EDDY - 6/10
Lively and sharp. Early header and half-hit shot set the table. Skimmed the
post with free-kick; when? was the question. Not today was the Keystone Cops
answer as Eddy challenged Misser to a comic-cuts, El Fluffalo stars-in-yer-eyes
parody competition with a mis-kick to blow a sitter, followed by the flipside
of that coin as a magnificent effort was fingertipped onto the bar.
Not today, mon ami.
SUBS:
JOZO - 5/10
Let's hope big Nir's injury is nothing, because it was almost worth
it to see Kenny Misser burst into tears when Jozo galloped onto the
park.
And even though Jozo careered around like an ostrich chasing a balloon
in a tornado, his very presence brought the comedy highlight of the
game when Kenny lived up to his monicker and hit the post from
1cm out.
By that point, of course, Pistle had a psycologist in the stand wired
up to an earpiece in Kenny's peanut-heid to talk him through the game:
"You're in a safe space, a safe space; Simunovic is five yards away,
no, four... Um, Three... No, no, it's okay - he's tackling somebody
else...Breathe, kenny, breathe... Six yards from you now... Do you
need a change of incontinence pad at half-time?"
Thankfully, Jozo settled down to 'Gulag Overwatch' mode second-half and
composure took him through unscathed.
POLISH PADDY - N/A
Here comes the Wild Bhoy wo wipe them out. Well, one touch and a rap on
the ankles. Reminds me of early-90s Last Great White Hope Stuart Slater,
hope he's got the skill level but not the same finishing ability...
SHOWUSYER - N/A
...Arzani... Appearing form the mists of time - or possibly the Aussie
smoke... - the cheap-gag, rhyming-slang wing-wizard gets his chance now
that Morgan Freeman Jr has moved to the States to be closer to his Dad.
The vacancy of manager's favourite son is open. Can the diminutive
Australian reproduce the childhood skills he honed dancing away from
the world's deadliest creatures in his own back garden and win Lennony's
heart? Well, he'll need more than five minutes. And a kick of the ball
might help, too.
LENNONY - 7/10
He'll be satisfied with that - plenty of pitfalls awaited as a ring-rusty
side went in against hod-carrying battlers with nothing to lose. Played
two up, fair enough - though we still might be better reverting to that
if one isn't working instead of letting defensive oppostion settle into
combating two from the start. But what the FUCK would I know? Nothing,
Sandman. Exactamundo.
However, he got the result despite late nonsense - a warning enough to
him he must have the players ready for all sorts of officialdom shenanigans
in the name of their brothers in this most epic of five months to come.
OVERALL - 7/10
Partick Thistle's traditional local arch-rivals, The Kelvinside Kants
(Immanuel, please, peasants...) who play out of Mr.s Miggins' Great Western
Road tearoom, 'Shivermetingles'in the 'La Thespiana West End Sunday League',
refer to Thistle as the Hoi Polloi.
Coincidentally, this insult among arty-fannies was also the name of a late
1980s Glasgow designer (well, somebody ironed unpronouncable names onto snider
gear) clothes emporium, where Hun stalwart Ian McCall cut his teeth shoplifting
after Rangers training on Fridays. Or so you heard, allegedly, on the interweb.
Just there.
The gruff ex-jakey, ex-Hun who pulled a Rodgers on Ayr United last year
certainly recalls his 80s conditioning fondly under the spell of The Beast,
attemping here to summon the rancid spirit of Terry Hurlock and disrupt the
Celtic playmakers with good old-fashioned Tim-maiming the directive of the day.
Thankfully, some early rambunctious challenges came to nothing as the Hoops
were fleet-footed enough to get their defensive block chasing shadows.
After that, it looked a matter of time before we killed the game off, and
therein told the story of the last months of 2019 - fish off the hook, players
who should have been cruising for 5-0, labouring at 1-0 through the seventy
minute mark.
Perhaps the spark will come with Polish Paddy to compliment a misfiring French
Eddy. Perhaps the chances will multiply as new energy is added to the midfield
with the arrival of the promising Japanese galactic smuggler, Han Soro.
Perhaps an exciting run towards the NINE and schadenfreude overload as the Huns
eat their own heids with perma-ragin' angst.
All perhaps. But here we go again, as the song says.
So as Groundhog Day approaches, we who front-ran it twice in a row with the
Nightmare After Christmas get to hope Puxatawney Phil gives the nod to more
deja-vu and Celts deliver the same finish to this season as last.
Quadrophenia Rebel Treble still on course.
Nice warm-up. Main business starts Wednesday. Strap in for death or glory. Get yer
shades on, here comes the lens flare.
Sandman. Back in the groove. Muthufuckas.
or the Sandmans back. What the fuck did I just read there!!
