SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ THE ICE WALL

Sandman

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SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ THE ICE WALL




Covid Restricted Attendance: 300 - Paul The Tim and 299 locals.
Just the two households then...




B.A BARKIS - 8/10

Damn, fool! I ain't gettin' on no stagecoach... But he ended up in the
place where Greek mythology tells of fearful tales of the Northern Tribes.
With barely time to wonder 'What is this haunting wilderness?' he was
presented with a new facet of his Scottish football experience - saves to
make. And he was smart and alert- great fingers more than once coupled
with impressive reactions and shot-stopping.


AJER - 7.5/10

Still here and still first pick. Romped around a place his ancestors
used to invade, stuck his own viking dagger in their hearts with a poached
finish to add a nought on his transfer value.



JULIEN CLARY - 7/10

Slack but impressive and frustratingly casual to a point. Yet he's a real
threat and oozes je ne sais quoi - meaning we don't know what the fuck he's
doing at times. However, provided the LOL moment of the game as he appealed
flat out on the deck for a foul after being flattened by his
own goalscoring teammate, one...



ALAN LADD - 7.5/10

Michael Duffy's boy did his alkie Da' proud on his Hoops debut by smashing
in a piledriver with his concrete foreheid. Putting a shine (Shane...) on his
day after a narrow escape early when he realised Scottish teams do play strikers.
And probably had more defending to do than he expected. But all-in, top o' the mornin'
stuff from Ireland's greatest living centre-half.



BROON - 6.5/10

Unusually quiet at a venue that he's been ringmaster of Fuckwit Circus at
previously. Nobody in woad looked up for hassling Broon, and though appearing
tired he cruised the match in control. Good practice for when he retires
after the TEN and joins the Night's Watch up there.



CALMAC - 8.5/10 MOTM

The Great Dictator. Despite relinquishing advance position to the Muthufucka,
Calmac switched on early and had his orchestra wound up and in-tune to combat
any indigenous uprising. Lovely football and superb deliveries - he's the
code that underlies the Celtic victory algorithm.


FORREST - 6/10

Burds in the main stand so Jamesy was on the left all first half. Drew a
few fouls but faded and we never saw much of him, or required his dazzle.
I suspect we'll see flash or two soon, however...



PINGPONG - 6.5/10

Surprise! Brought electricity to the frozen North, resulting in deification
and title of Village Wizard, but the magic was under wraps as County ganged-up
on him with a number of lumbering cattle-wrastlers suffocating his progress.


SAM JACKSON - 7.5/10

Time once more, or one more time, muthufuckas? Another still here, still
first Muthufucka on the teamsheet. And today it was that time again - time for
an episode of Watch With Muthufucka as he taught the Stag-shaggers how to play
a forward-mid-Muthufucka role, popping between their lines and linking our
fulcrum Calmac with the two front dynamos. A daym fine Muthufuckin' display.



THE YETI - 7.5/10

The one place he can go and not startle locals used to mysterious creatures in
their midst. And in their midst he was - reacted like a rattlesnake in a chicken
coop, snapping home a classic natural born striker's goal for his third in three
games. Looking fitter and bustling around big defenders with relish - a fine
spike in performance levels gives us hope for his future Celtic endeavours.


FRENCH EDDY - 7/10

Ce la vie... Stroked home a penalty like it was the last thing he had to
do before going to bed. Must be beginning to believe he gets to take a penalty
every game after his international exploits. You don't play for the Huns, Eddy,
so naw... Exciting moments from a jaded Eddy as he got a striking partner; we
could be on the verge of some scintillating attacking blitzes to come.




SUBS:


KLIMALA KLIMAX - 7/10

Well done, son - must have wanted to tear out his hair...Um, scalp, after
the sitter was stopped on the line, more a good block than poor finish. But
nothing better for his confidence than slotting home a cool one-on-one moments
later. Like his quick feet and the way he shifts along the line; there's
possibilities there.


ELSHAGYONLASSIE - 6.5/10

Easy cameo for Elshag and a nice nutmeg to set up Klimala's confidence-booster.


SORO - 6/10

So here's the Broon-replacement in waiting; neat and industrious for his ten
minutes; look forward to seeing more soon.


CORPUS CHRISTIE - 5/10

Though he might get right in about it for 20 minutes but was quiet and possibly
sulking because unlike Eddy he didn't get to take a third pen in three games;
his Dad will have sometihng to say about that...


EDDIE TURNBULL - N/A

Unfair to rate him becasue he's around 100 years old but it was a good ten minutes
or so for one of Hibs' Famous Five to finally make his Celtic debut; confused the
opposition with anecdotes of living on ration coupons after the Nazis were defeated.



LENNONY - 7.5/10

Well, we asked for it, and we got it - twin lethal weapons spearheading a Celtic
attack and an Irish icon knocking lumps out of Heelanders at the other end. Lennony
will be disturbed by some shaky defensive moments but will savour the volatile
attacking options at his disposal; what he now does with them will seal his legacy
and Celtic history. No pressure then.



OVERALL - 8.5/10

A 5-0 pumping at the inspiration for The Damned's 'Grimly Feindish' is a fine way
to turn up the heat in the Northern wastelands. We escaped with points, goals, no
injuries and no psychological damage despite our players being catcalled by the
sparse but majority home support and constantly told they 'sure looked purty in
thaym new paynts...'

Whatever trouble the Coonty casued us was often by our own hand and countered
tenfold by Celtic's reborn attacking awareness. It smashed the screeching ice-wraiths
of the North and will be utilised again midweek versus the uzi-totting junkies of Ian
Paisley town.

As Broon noted in his midweek Hun Hacks Briefing, we hadn't been scoring enough
goals despite dominating games. Well now we are, dear detractors; Be afraid, be
very afraid.



Go Away Now.

Sandman.
 

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