Well-known member

"Ooh Baby, we know that he's crap,
John Lundstram stole my hubcaps."

- Belinda Carlisle, from
'Heaven Is No Place On Earth For Plastic-Hardmen Scousers'.

ROXIE - 6.5/10

'I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted,
every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places
will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight,
and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh
shall see it together. And Joe Hart will save a pen.' Martin
Luther King.

So close, big man. One day, MLK will be homaged.


His tireless industry is what wins such encounters. Sharp and
combative from the first whistle, shrugging off the VAR handicap
and spurring on the team with focus and invention; Angeball's
surprise archetypal exponent.

STAR LORD - 7/10

Faultless. Nearly. Spazzout late on around halfway but prior to
that, particularly at one down, his mind and body were in defensive
harmony, allowing his phantasmagorical racoon to beat the rhythm
out on a drum in the away end; or at least that's what Star Lord
believes, and we're not going to tell him otherwise if he's on it
properly like today.


Comical moment of the day goes to the Ange and Cam double-act
and their wry contention over the big stopper's searching ball through
ball to the Green Brigade.

St.Mirren's physicality brings out the best in CCV and he's as rugged
as they get when it's man-on-man (put it away, Ryan) with no quarter
given or asked. Another solid, class, and sterling performance.


Ice Hockey is it? Well there's plenty hockey sticks seen around Paisley,
but you'll be hard pressed to find a puck. Instead, they use heids,
which is exactly what AJ did as he bodyslammed their fullback, the ball
and the keeper into the net/post and bounced away unscathed in first-goal

But glory moment aside, did you see his first-half? Tremendous support
and use of the ball, lost in a general malaise as we struggled overall.
Come the period of domination he was involved in every positive thrust
and integral to the siege. Missing a JJ? Not when you've got an AJ.

CALMAC - 7.5/10

There's always one in this Celtic side, and it's usually the captain.
Ridiculous metronomic turnover, stoically refusing to pander to any
crestfallen mindset - he relentlessly prompted and prodded the Baddies
midfield banks until their resistance caved.

Robust intensity can get you so far shackling Calmac, but it's his mental
alertness that will beat you in the end. He seems gifted with a level of
focussed acuity that would have Gary Kasparov asking for a beer break.

MOOEY - 6.5/10

"I'm ready, mayte, just whistle when."

'Sorry, it's Damien Dallas on VAR, gimme the ball back.'

So Mooey's big moment was cancelled by the scheming Hunnery of
Beelzeebub's spawn. It didn't faze him - let's be fair, nothing does -
and he Mooey-ed his way into the game much as last week so that
by the time the knife was needing twisted, he was there with his
cultured boots on the hilt, piling on the agony, turning on the


Such a giving person is Reo. Viewing his surroundings as worse
than the Fukushima reactor disaster, he attempted to get refurbishment
underway by taking off the crossbar with a first-half nuclear missile.

Then was thwarted again, then denied by the low defensive block time
and again. Again! Until he honourably surrendered to fate and quit to save
himself for the Minis. Again.


Aesthetically disturbing to Daizen, he refused to recognise the
stadium as anything other than poorly-drawn anime and was
subbed at half-time. A mild surprise, as we thought Ange had
mistaken him for Jota; Let's face it, they've both got moustaches..


Not since The King Of Kings have we seen such perpetual movement
from a Celtic Striker. Hardly touched the ball but caused irritating
chaos and drained defenders mentally until...

A mistake to be pounced on emerges and he's on it, and down, and
we have a pivotal moment. Worth his weight in Bitcoin. Not gold -
because he weighs about the same as an Action Man. Or Action
Wummin for the Woke hysterics. (Read 'GI Joe' for Americans of
toxic masculinity...)

NOTEBOOK - 6.5/10

'That fuckin' Jota, man - he's way aff it the day; cannae kick his
ain fuckin' ar...YAAAAAS! Fuckin' genius!'

And so Big Ange's questionable faith in his sand-dancing wayward waif
becomes a given - A flick of the boot and sparkle of fairy dust turned
him from prancing around like Ryan Kent identifying as Tinkerbell into
the matchwinning Portuguese Man O' War we know and love.

Suddenly it was Jota on the wing and not Jota on the bench as he sparked
the 20-minute rout that had them vomiting up their Sunday Buckie & Black
Puddin' lunches all over Hunland.



Strike one! Classy Danish kid strokes one in with his standing
foot and we're losing count as he finally opens his league account
for the season.

OH BHOY - 6/10

Pish penalty, but who's not smiling with him as he takes the tug
(put it away, Ryan) and then takes the pen, somehow managing to
oxter-nutmeg the keeper with it; must be a Korean speciality move...

ABADASS - 7.5/10

It's Moshe Whizz on to tear you up! Once the ubiquitous Abadass
sliced-cross was safe in possession of the GB, he segued into a stunning
cameo, assisting, and lashing in his own beauty. A thorn in their crown,
leading his people towards the promised land with scintillating impact
(See what I did there, Sunday Biblical scholars?).


Copperfield, hang yer heid. David Blane, eat yer heart out (probably
has that stunt in the works, come to think of it).

How on earth did Tonio manage that? - On for Saint Helen Mirren,
then ten minutes later also taking his place in the Celtic midfield.
Twin Tonys. Mindblowing. What next - making the Staue Of Liberty


Another interesting contribution as he excercises his hypnotic ability
on the ball. High hopes for his run-in participation.


'Whit's Ange daein, leaving on fckin' Jota whenhe's been sh...YAAAS!
Different-level management, man..."

And so the Boss makes like a Boss and cuts and thrusts (put it away, Ryan)
at one-down, knowing the injection of direct action required as we mull over
a frustrating first 45.

Could we comeback on this 'jinx' park? Even against a ten-man defensive wall?
Never a doubt in Ange's mind. Never a chink in the Angeball armour which only
reinforces the more we get on the front foot. Tick another big win off. And then
Tick-tock, dear Huns...

MIBBERY - 5/10

Ah, young Damien on VAR, you tried your best. Now return to Satan's bosom
to grieve and count the pound coins of yesteryear.

There's no room left for whatboutery - the Hun penalty awards (and non-penal
awards) are now on the level of arthouse satirical comedy after yesterday's
Andy Kauffman-scripted farce at Mordor and young Damien's interpretation of
the latest rules today; if the foul continues into the box it's a penalty.
But hey, this is Scotland. This is Hun country. Fuck FIFA...

However, away home and cry harder, ya wee wank.

OVERALL - 7.5/10

I hate that grey strip; bad luck. Never a Celtic strip in million Hun
incarnations. I hate that venue too - love Street was a joy in '86, this
modern sterile meccano shed of resonating boos and ranting pseudo-Huns
is a grim proposition on a dull Sunday morning; portents of bad luck.

And as it transpired, the ghosts of September past were haunting us all
the opening 45. So what did Ange do at Half-time? Called in an exorcist
and dispelled gllomy superstition in favour of luminescent football and
sparkling glory.

The brow-beating prospect of breaking down their ten standing warriors -
and they're probably one of the best Scottish teams at organising a resolute
low block - became not so much a meticulous ritual, than we just turned on
the cannons and drowned them in Holy water.

Barely time to pour and finish a pint than we'd smashed in five, and even
the banal grey top was looking stylised and shiny.

How a handful of goals can brighten even a day like today, eh Huns? And if
I'm counting right, we just lapped them on goal-difference.

A sweet finale to get the juices flowing (put it away, Ryan) for Wednesday's
evening of schadenfreude relish as Steptoe's whinging tailor brings his
macabre collection of Hun replicants to Mordor to take the Founder's Tour
'Four Lads Had A Bad Dream' (Charles Green, Craig Whyte, Satan, and Charlie Manson)
before coming to Paradise to get fucking savaged. Happy Days.

Go Away Now



Well-known member
Superb stuff Sandman ! As the season goes on of course I am waiting for us to do a treble, but these posts of yours are now a part of the match experiences After the match I wait for your markings and patter to finish the day off
It never fails Has me in stitches of laughter long after I’ve read it
Keep up the laughs 💚☘️💚☘️


Well-known member
Missed the game then watched the whole game and James McFudden is co comonpishtaker. We won
Then read the above we played good had some polished performances on the pitch
And I hurt masell laughing hope yir happy 😉👏👏👏
Top kwality as per

HH 💚🍀


Well-known member
3 for oor Daizen?
Seems a tad overly harsh 😬 was at least worth a 5? For effort?
It's an awful lot of effort?

Anyway Daizen aside all good solid and high ratings for the bhoys and we were at 80odd % possession at one point, totally dominant in the mire of St Middens anti football tactics akin to Mcinnes' Aberdeen.

Robinson got out what he put in , a brutal performance = a brutal thumping even after giving them a 1 goal start.

The Ange-mobile rolls on HH

Magnificent 7

Well-known member
3 for oor Daizen?
Seems a tad overly harsh 😬 was at least worth a 5? For effort?
It's an awful lot of effort?

Anyway Daizen aside all good solid and high ratings for the bhoys and we were at 80odd % possession at one point, totally dominant in the mire of St Middens anti football tactics akin to Mcinnes' Aberdeen.

Robinson got out what he put in , a brutal performance = a brutal thumping even after giving them a 1 goal start.

The Ange-molebeale rolls on HH

Fixed that for you Winter 😊👍HH !!

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