SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v CHAROLLAIS

Sandman

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SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v CHAROLLAIS


"Naw, Um no happy. Um nevur happy. Ah'll no be happy
til ra peepul win ra leeg again. So U'll nevur be happy.
Right, ya c###?"

D.McInnes After-match interview.


"I'm livid, livid! That big Celtic blonde defender Ajer sweared a
racialistic racialism at me! In Norwegian! He said, "Bitemabaws,
yaweefanny!" And that's Norwegian for racialisticism. I'm sure
it is! Take my word for it, Ah widnae lie - pure racialisticism!
That Broon's a hunk tho', isn't he?"

S.Logan, sounding like Gary, Tank Commnder.







THE WALL - 6/10

Aggrieved to have been beaten by the only goal attempt they had
all day. After watching us hit 90 shots, they fluke one in.
That aside, managed to complete most of his online xmas shopping
on his phone while we played shooty-in.



PINGPONG - 7/10

As the backstreet bars of Bangkok are a mecca for a certain type
of tourist, our little Thai-table-tennis-without-a-bat champion is
becoming a magnet for our attacking build-up with his dynamism.
Frustrated much of the game as they cottoned-on and closed down
hi effectiveness. But his consistency is remarkable and he remains
undaunted by the kind of grunting prison-rapists they threw in his
way today.



JULLIEN CLARY - 8/10 MOTM

Hunskelper to Sheepskelper. Got his eye in with one off the bar
in 5 min. Then skipped one over the keeper to score minutes later.
No messing. Strong to defy aerial threats, again timed his blocking
and positioning perfectly. Got that job done well. Did more than his
duty, again.




AJER - 7/10

Techno, techno, techno viking notice, young Ironside - takes more
than a vicious assualt by a lumbering Aberdonian war-giant to take
out our young Viking king.
Out-jumped for their goal, but never out-fought as he gave and took,
set up for Eddy, drew the wrath of the lobotomised, drooling Frankenstein's
labrador and won the day. Difference in legitimate tackles was defined
in ten seconds - beautiful take from Kris, then scythed by aforementioned
goon who took man with ball, heavily. Fine 1980s agricultural challenge.
Not in 2019. Refinement will come for the Viking kid you never quoted a
year ago. Skol!



JAMIE FOXX - 6.5/10

Quietly smiled his way through the ninety. Unusually, managed to
avoid the critique of the experts who reckiong he's duff, can't pass,
can't defend, can't...
Well he can. Positives over negatives for the Foxx seldom out of the
opposition box. After sneaking his way into the first team via the
early-season Sincy disguise, he just needs a dunt now and then to
remind him he's actually left-back.



BROON - 7.5/10

Growled his Bhoys back from the brink. An unhappy Broony at Christmas
makes Edinburgh tremble, dislodges cobbles on the Royal Mile and has
urchins scrambling for cover under the coat-tails of the Morningside
gentry.
Well the Broon backyard will be at peace this week as he records a
crucial victory in a game he brought to bear that formidable id, when
he really should have been cruising and possible resting on a five-goal
lead.
Still, Broony likes it tough; Keeps him tuned for battle.



CALMAC - 6/10

Went comfortably throught he motions for over an hour as we cried out
for his signature guile. Was busy and tidy enough but not sharp enough
to do real damage.
Ultimately, he was not needed, so we await the retun of the Podgy Pirlo
to scintillating matchwinning form. Boxing Day and the 29th would align
nicely with the stars.



SAM JACKSON - 6.5/10

Sheep comin' to town, Muthufuckas? We settin' up some sort of God-Daym
nativity here? Well I will be THE shpherd for these Muthufuckas. I will
lead them on a righteous path, only first I will lay down some vengeance
upon that wolf amongst them. Mcinnes, Muthufucka, do you HEAR me?
Well, he might have during that first half, the Muthufucka seemed right
on it, but when we slowed the tempo, his influence fell away. Never
regained it, Muthufucka off for Mikey J to be muthufuckin ghost of
Christmas past. Well, the Eighties...



CORPUS CHRISTIE - 6.5/10

Midweek birthday to come, looked like we needed some of his divine magic
to save the day. His swashbuckling buckled today, the final ball and finish
not quite there. But there's plenty time for some festive season sensations
from our Saviour in the coming week.



FORREST - 5/10

Far too excited by Santa's imminent arrival to concentrate on his game.
Getting out-winged by Pingpong, and it's becoming a bit like Top Gun to
see who's the fastest flyer at Paradise.
Jamesy by a flash, probably (Ladies...) but the wee mhan's making up for
the ineffective imp. You've got a week to sort it, Jamesy. Play with those
presents and smash the selection boxes. Then get on yer new Xmas boots and
Sellic strip and sicken yer extended family before the New Year party...


FRENCH EDDY - 6.5/10

FFS, Eddy! Stop trying to walk it in! Get him aff fur Griff!
So went the rhetoric as the one you don't need to sell your soul for -
he's already in you - entertained us through 65 minutes with his, 'Look
at me, I'm Morelos!' Xmas party turn.
Then he got back to business - could he step right up to the plate and
ding a homer when we needed him? Is Ryan Kent allegedly guilty of throwing
murdered corpses into ovens 70 years ago? Crisp one-two with Corpus and
slid home the winner like l'assassin he is. Suivant!



SUBS:



MIKEY J - 6.5/10

Xmas single out (his cover of The Human League's 1981 festive number one,
'Don't You Want Me Lenny'), Mikey can concentrate on his game. Looked lively
and inventive as ever when he appeared; jury was out on him for a while but
it's beginning to look like a twelfth man 'not guily' verdict as he continues
to mature and impress.
One piece of conclusive evidence will suffice, Mikey - properly skelp the Huns
and you're in the clear.


GRIFF - N/A

"I've been shaggin mair than sheep!" announced Griff to the Aberdeen defence
as he appeared. Basically filled time as he waits on his last chance to prove
his worth once more.



ROGIC - N/A

When you want somebody to amble at defences, Big Oz is yer man. Loped
about a bit, throwing in some deft touches and his word of the day -
Chill.



LENNONY - 8/10

Hibs, Hearts and the Dons dispatched in a hazardous week to piss-off Hal 9000,
the SPL's fixture computer. Lennony kept the pod bay doors closed on the rest
with a consistent selection that has tested the core of the side with solid,
positive results and vindicated every call he has made.
He has two games to negotiate before hitting reset, in the most testing season
any Celtic manager has faced in a decade. Boxing Day in Paisley may prove the
trickiest and needs to be killed early - Sunday's big shoot-out with the Undateables
will take care of itself. Maintain the momentum, Lennony.



OVERALL - 7.5/10

Great start from the first whistle. Nailed all the early commands - dogging
around them, moving at pace, come by and away, come by and away...
Walking up, sheep getting penned in; a proper shearing on the cards...
I'm here all week...

Anxiety began to creep in after our three hundred and fifty thousandth attempt
with the goal-gap at one. And of course they scored first go - like the most
irritating lottery winner anyone skint can imagine.

Sooo... dig deep? Deep was dug - regardless of the whines and pines of the
perma-frustrated nail-biters, this side shows the true mark of champions and
has done since the Livi debacle. We're not even killing teams off properly -
and when we do there will be baseball announcers hauled in to read the scores.

Upteen wins on the trot as the Horribles exert enough pressure to rupture the
package of cocaine rammed up Alfredo's colon. Two more wins for the jackpot
would be an outstanding achievement for a squad of Bhoys who have played
around 40 competitive games.

As for the NINE - 18 down, 20 to go. It's almost halfway to Paradise.



Go away Now.


Sandman. Have a very Merry Christmas, Muthufuckas.
 

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