SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v DUNDEEZ NUTZ

Sandman

Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v DUNDEEZ NUTZ

"And the be-ribbonned wicked little fairy princess,
blonde hair flowing in the foul breeze of Mordor,
did attempt to tease the pilgrims on their way to
a third title, with effette dance and ineffectual
sorcery.

Then, as the bell tolled for they who rage, the
pilgrims did invoke and unleash the viking Allfather
upon the pesky sprite and he/she/it/fuckwit was well
and truly smited."

- Excerpt from Chaucer's, 'Cantwell Tales'.




ROXIE - 7/10

"Why didn't we spend 10 million bucks on a World
Cup goalie?" the Playstation FIFA virgin twatterati
still greet all over X.

Because Big Joe gets the job done. Miraculous and
fearless point blank stop to prevent a catastrophic
deficit, executed with a jaw stronger than Linda
Lovelace's.




GREGGS THE BAKER - 6/10

He's a trier. Things ran 50-50 for Greggs today which
is, coincidentally, also the sawdust-cat brains ratio
of the sausage rolls. Kidding, it's rats intestines.

Now licenced to invert, he was there or thereabouts
for most of our first-half attacking endeavour; produced
a sparkling scooped dink to set up Daizen for our first
SOT.


WAYNE GRETZKY - 6.5/10

Quietly compentent and reserved as the new bhoy at the
back found his footing. Then, during that second-45 surge,
the mad moose rampaged into their box time and time again
and disbelievingly didn't get on the scoresheet for the
curse of the woodwork and the wrist of steel their keeper
Carson employed in a Craig gordon v Man City wonder save.



OF JUSTICE - 6/10

The Ginger Giant Killer Of The Hunderdome gave us another
performance to quell his critics. Composed and sharp at
the back, lapses at a minimum.

Displayed an interesting dimension to his game with some
deftly cultivated balls over their backline that suggested
a wand of a left peg. Hmm.. interesting potential there.


THE NATIONALIST - 6/10

"What's this? A ball? What do I do with it and why have
I to run forward with it?"

Bit of a conundrum for an EPL cover player who had more
touches in the first half hour than in his entire Liverpool
career.

Stepping out and creating, obviously not his primary talent
but he did a decent job of the CCV role, safely completing
most passes and got stuck in when required, as his sare heid
will testify.



CALMAC - 7/10

What powers of recovery - sunburned in Cyprus to being
molested by Harry MacGuire in the dreich Hampden rain,
only to be back at it, smothered in the paradise midfield
this afternoon.

A victim of laziness - not his - the skipper's toil was
rewarded as Reo appeared and his confinement loosened -
to give him the opportunity to play the ball of the day
onto Kyogo's nut for the killer second. Now go rest.

No, don't!
It's Rotterdam Brothel Tuesday this week!



THE BUILDER - 7/10

That dig I harp on about that he's added to his game -
got him through the tumult until the hour and then his
class came to the fore. Another surging support run,
another goal for the silky kid who's still in mourning
for Nora Batty going by the half-mast socks.



EDDIE TURNBULL - 5/10

Just a pass - and he didn't make many of them - for
winning and converting the pen. And even then it was
all about him falling over.

The old bhoy's slowing things down with his languid
style and smitten Brendan's got the blinkers on. We'll
be suffering, unless he gets put out of his when the
big games come round.



YING - 6/10

It's the Korean Paddy McCourt - same promise and same
not-quite-fulfilling it just as you're lifting off yer
seat.

Great feet and gallusness - we may yet witness some
special slaloms from the bhoy when he's 'bedded-in'
properly. Eh, see Jamesy about that ...



LORD KATSUMOTO - 7.5/10 MOTM

The international break did Daizen a world of good.
Today, he was intent on winning the game single handed
for most of that first-half; great runs, that lethal
pace and a surprising - breathtaking, some might ponder
- touch on show.

Most un-Daizen like until he ballooned one second 45
and we cancelled the passport-check request to
immigration control ; definitely our Daizen. But...
Marvellous overall contribution to the win.


KILLER MUSHROOM - 7/10

I have only one good arm. And only one bonce.
They are enough. Hai. Sayonara.

The best striker since Larsson makes a Larssonesque
run onto a floated pass of such culture they temporarily
closed the Musée d'Orsay in Paris until the move was
complete.

And completed it was with a guided header so subtle
they got the re-animated corpse of Marcel Marceau to
re-open it in honour of the balletic eloquence of the
wee mhan's silent movement in behind their line.




SUBS -

LAGERTHA - 6/10

Last week's almost-fallen hero put in a solid,
more focussed 45 as she invaded the pitch for
the knackered Nationalist. Some fine covering
and delicious tackling on show.


HAKUNA HATATE - 6.5/10

Reo is the difference; fizz and furore when
he appeared - suddenly they were spread and
openings appeared more often than at a Louden
Bar Lana Wolf meet and greet. Simply, play him
ffs.


BRIAN DE - N/A

Just a cameo in today's movie. Came on Dressed
To Kill as a late Body Double for Ying. But his
best work is yet to be seen. Though topping
Scarface might be a Mission Impossible, but
let's hope he doesn't Blow Out and become
one of The Untouchables.
I'm here all week.



OH BHOY - N/A

Just a few minutes to get roughhouse
and ready for the coming winter battles.


SAINT BERNARDO - N/A

Throw on the big dug! Actually, throw
on the Stars In Your Eyes Matty O'Reilly,
going by first impressions/impersonations...






THE SHNAKE - 7/10

"What did I take from the derby win? Many things;
many beautiful things. We played wonderfully. Some
beautiful football under pressure. Beautiful.
So many wonderful moments. But of all those wonderful,
beautiful moments, I think that watching the Huns
rape each other in the stands at full-time was the
best of all. Wonderful. Beautiful, too, in a way."

So back to Paradise for more penance, and back to
suspicious team selection as ageism virtue-signalling
had Eddie T yet again the chin-stroker in the starting
lineup.

But the 'elite coach' prevailed and so did we, and the
New Tims On The Block got some gametime.

And on we go to the glamour of Tuesday that brought
him slithering back and the jury piling onto that
streessed-out fence. Let us see...





MIBBERY - 4/10

Who's this? A fresh MIB to abuse? And didn't he make
a good start - refusing obvious fouls along with his
stand-side brethern. Ultimately foiled by VAR-de-har.
Another Hun bites the dust.



OVERALL - 7/10

Grrrrriiiind.... The dirge of St.Johnstone returned
to berate our sensibilities as we once more get
used to the reduction in verve and intensity that's
enlivened the past two spectacular seasons.

Time to get pragmatic, kiddos, and today pragmatism
eventually chipped away Hundonian resistance to allow
a period of good old Celtic flair to win the contest.

Another 3 points, not that we were compelled to
consider anything less. And not that I'd swap this
regular competence for anything like the anguish
of a scratched-out 0-0 with cannon fodder.

It was a day for getting the job done. For satisfying
domestic needs and tuning players towards Tuesday's
more glamorous mistress awaiting our best efforts in
Holland. Which might be why Jamesy was rested...

So the top table grows while our daily grind blows -
All the bhoys can do is keep at the churn, be the
meat-grinder. Come midweek we get to sit and enjoy
the Kobe beef, or maybe it'll be some Japanese Waygu
served up - one thing is sure, the bhoys will be
relishing it as much as you or I.

Huns, sit doon. Weans table for you.



Go Away Now


Sandman
 
Last edited:

lcafiero

Well-known member
BRIAN DE - N/A

Just a cameo in today's movie. Came on Dressed
To Kill as a late Body Double for Ying. But his
best work is yet to be seen. Though topping
Scarface might be a Mission Impossible, but
let's hope he doesn't Blow Out and become
one of The Untouchables.
I'm here all week.
😂😂😂😂😂

Hilarious, Sandman. And right on the mark, as usual (though I would have given Kyogo the MOTM, but never mind). Also, kudos to Johnston for hitting the woodwork 3 times -- no small feat.
 
Last edited:

Members online

Latest posts

Top