Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v EWE ORDER
"Expectation is the root of all heartache."
- William Shakespeare, 'Ode To The Sheep'.
THE FRIENDLY GHOST - 6/10
"Is Hampden haunted?" Kasper spent a chilly evening mostly
on his own, wondering why after the smoke cleared the only
players who came near him were in the hoops.
Not one save to make of note. Fielded a few 'Dolly-ed' (see
what I did there fans of genetically altered Aberdonians?)
shots better than the Ney York Yankees outfield managed in
the World Series (har-de-har), and was crisp with his
distribution. A relaxing Saturday tea-time, then.
UNCANNY - 7/10
Good boy! Heel! The way he scampered about, deft and
sharp; like a well trained dug... A sheepdug!
Definitely merited his start and went about his business
in that Barca-drilled consummately professional manner.
Terrific young player. Not ours, sadly.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 7.5/10
Just another barnstorming day at the office for one of the
most improved Celts this season. Must be moose mating
season somewhere, as he's finding energy reserves and
a depth of situational-awareness we've not seen before.
His game has levelled-up to proper dynamic full-back-
with-attacking-options; those willing over and under-lapping
runs into space rewarded at the end with his assist for
the 6th.
CRUSTY THE CLOWN - 7/10
Hmm, a conundrum. The Ginger Baresi makes way for the
Yank Cannavaro; merited? A bone of contention there.
But his inclusion was explained (athleticism, basically,
to cope with striker's blindside runs) and we waited...
And nothing much was of a bother to him. You can see
how he's adapting to the system, fnding his footing
within it, understanding the contribution expected of
a Celtic centre-back, domestically in particular. Had
a fine game in all aspects.
GET CARTER - 7.5/10
The beast is back! Savage, merciless performance
that proffered no hope to a battered, shorn opposition
frontline. And left their defensive perceptions in
distress as he thumped home a header to set the fuse
alight. The twisted firestarter!
CALMAC - 6.5/10
Shoogly for a while, but no surprise; he relies on
that rhythmic footballing brain to be perfectly in tune,
and a two-game rest is too much for the skipper. He's
not a player who benefits from being on the outside -
he's the heart of the club.
But after a few stray passes, anxious touches and a
yellow card for... Fuck all; sorry, winning the ball...
He found his mojo and the second 45 was a
Calmac-controlled possession procession.
HAKUNA HATATE - 7/10
Another slow starter but we know that's Reo. The hope
is always that he too gets in synch and becomes the
unplayable ninja drifter.
That he did, after the break especially, and was admirably
instrumental in the attacking flow. A jhoy to watch when
he's instinctively on his game.
THE TERMINATOR - 7/10
Tonight's lesson: The kid has class, class.
The midweek swagger wasn't diminished and, as I've noted,
there's an air of Aryan-arrogance about him; residue from
the Bundesliga we're benefitting from as he finds his feet.
And what feet - control, clips and passes. Highlight of
the game his vicious fizzing corner that CCV buried.
I wish we'd let him call the shots (almost literally) at
corners and decide on the play. That sort of delivery goes
a lot further than wanky tikki-takka short shifts or 'cute'
low balls aimed at the front post...
Nah, slam it into the goalmouth at head-height, swooping
like a fucking kestrel and let their alarmed netminder
deal with our heavy team piling in.
Or am I just uncultured?
LORD KATSUMOTO - 8.5/10 MOTM
The Rap Ghod of Hampden Park; Daizeminem made us Sing
For The Moment as he went Godzilla on them, with Venom,
Til They Collapsed.
The Fast And The Furious turned in their car keys when he
motored the length of the park to set up Kyogo. The following
hat-trick crowned him king for the night and no wonder - the
humble Japanese has been the enigma of Celtic's century,
electrifying and stupefying - always time for a 'Daizen's
Daizening again,' moment, with a stray cross fired at the
kiosks. Yet he remains indispensable, a legend of our times.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 7/10
Finally - and the final for us - Kyogo gets his (Ja... no,
don't say it; filthy...) eye back in and the Dundee blemishes
are erased in time for the forthcoming CL Titanic Tuesday.
And he nearly skied it, lol. But in off the bar or not, they all
count. No more than he deserves for the workrate; cutting,
juking, darting around their rugged backline. Off he came,
eventually, grinning; and happy Kyogo = goals.
TAKINTE - 7.5/10
Zing! As if Daizen wasn't enough, we've added the German Jinky
as a counter-terror deployment; not to counter any terror,
literally, but to add terror to our counter, if you know what
I mean in a Spike Milligan sense...
The Dons certainly do. He was a Shakesperian tempest to their
Doric disarray, running them through with a swashbuckling blade
as he cavorted around like Errol Flynn on crack.
That climactic swish of his switchblade left-foot into the top
corner iced their blood and had them begging for a merciful
return to the relatively warm Northern chill. Keep him fit,
let him loose.
SUBS -
GREGGS THE BAKER - N/A
Tidy things up, Greggs, was the instruction.
Sweeping done.
SAINT BERNARDO - 6/10
Clumsy, we thought, as he bundled about, losing possession.
Then up he pops with the sumptuous deft flick to set AJ in
for the 6th and all is forgiven.
DUNCAN IDAHO - N/A
At least he can still walk after the 'nothing tackle'
(© Eddie Fucking Munster) aka Motherwell GBH.
Didn't see him run much, but Tuesday will tell...
OF JUSTICE - N/A
Did we even need him? An easier win bonus he'll never
earn; cruise around for half an hour looking cool.
JAMESY - 6/10
"Shaggin' ye say...Like Ah'm no up fir that, man, eh?"
laughed Jamesy as the call came from the boss to 'strip'.
So on he came - almost literally in the Prestwick Flash's
case - and took up where he left-off Wednesday; more
composed, clever wingplay and general Jamesyness, also
involved in the 6th build-up.
Nobody's now done more Sheep shagging than veteran
shagger Jamesy; He's shagged The Sheep more times than
The Sheep have shagged sheep. Let that sink in, tongue-twister
fans.
THE NOTAPRODDYGAL - 8/10
It's Gerry Creaney arse pads at Xmas for Buck. And you
thought he didn't believe in the long ball as he took
one for the team, going down like a Jamesy conquest,
ending up with skid marks like the ones inside the hemp
Crapstore trackies of watching Huns.
Eyebrows were raised like Captain Kirk as we found out
he'd opted for the pure American pairing at centre-back
over the Irish-Yank hybrid; more Butch and Sundance than
Limerick and Goose (see what I did there, fans of Top Gun
and classic cowboy flicks?).
But he got the last laugh, absolutely schooling Jimmy From
Brookside as his Hoops went 'ram'pant against the Great
Northern Flock.
Job completely done and a chance to switch focus towards
the big game, Tuesday. If only things go so well, then.
MIBBERY - 5/10
Obviously, Clancy Drew was a school hallway monitor.
A humourless bastard one at that. 'But it's the rules...'
Aye, keep them cattle trucks filling...
But the blistering Celts gave the MIBs little hope for
salvaging their Hun overlords' reputations; only the
double-yellow sacred masonic top-trump card of the Tims'
manager and captain both in the book in a single match
will give them any solace.
Cunts.
OVERALL - 8.5/10
No pyro, no starty. Not for long, though. Soon after it
became apparent the real firecrackers were the Hoops on
the park; look, everybody - it's Donsfire Night.
Telltet yeez on Friday, so I did, that I fancied 4 or 5.
The Hoops let my Spidey senses down and papped in 6...
This was our 'Did ye, aye..." performance against the
uppity latest Hunskelpers, eager to tell us all about it,
and indicate we were next.
But our Bhoys had let them run their mouths off
after their fortunate but creditable draw at Paradise.
All that talk, and not a peep from The Hoops...
So after a half hour of standing in their faces and
matching their physical approach, the Celts' boots
started talking. And heids - slam, bam, thank you,
Baaaaaaa'm, said CCV and off we went.
Thereafter, the gulps in the Sheep throats were audible
through the cacophony of green and white glee as arses
were spanked, egos shrivelled and gurning Presbyterian
ratcatcher, Gimpy Shammie, was put back in his place by
a second-half masterclass in lethal possession football.
A big test, we were told. No, not for us. That comes
Tuesday and midweeks beyond. This was our next step to
domestic glory and record silverware hauls. The team is
clicking and the product is thrilling. How far do we dare
to dare? Answers incoming. Let's enjoy the ride.
Go Away Now
Sandman
"Expectation is the root of all heartache."
- William Shakespeare, 'Ode To The Sheep'.
THE FRIENDLY GHOST - 6/10
"Is Hampden haunted?" Kasper spent a chilly evening mostly
on his own, wondering why after the smoke cleared the only
players who came near him were in the hoops.
Not one save to make of note. Fielded a few 'Dolly-ed' (see
what I did there fans of genetically altered Aberdonians?)
shots better than the Ney York Yankees outfield managed in
the World Series (har-de-har), and was crisp with his
distribution. A relaxing Saturday tea-time, then.
UNCANNY - 7/10
Good boy! Heel! The way he scampered about, deft and
sharp; like a well trained dug... A sheepdug!
Definitely merited his start and went about his business
in that Barca-drilled consummately professional manner.
Terrific young player. Not ours, sadly.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 7.5/10
Just another barnstorming day at the office for one of the
most improved Celts this season. Must be moose mating
season somewhere, as he's finding energy reserves and
a depth of situational-awareness we've not seen before.
His game has levelled-up to proper dynamic full-back-
with-attacking-options; those willing over and under-lapping
runs into space rewarded at the end with his assist for
the 6th.
CRUSTY THE CLOWN - 7/10
Hmm, a conundrum. The Ginger Baresi makes way for the
Yank Cannavaro; merited? A bone of contention there.
But his inclusion was explained (athleticism, basically,
to cope with striker's blindside runs) and we waited...
And nothing much was of a bother to him. You can see
how he's adapting to the system, fnding his footing
within it, understanding the contribution expected of
a Celtic centre-back, domestically in particular. Had
a fine game in all aspects.
GET CARTER - 7.5/10
The beast is back! Savage, merciless performance
that proffered no hope to a battered, shorn opposition
frontline. And left their defensive perceptions in
distress as he thumped home a header to set the fuse
alight. The twisted firestarter!
CALMAC - 6.5/10
Shoogly for a while, but no surprise; he relies on
that rhythmic footballing brain to be perfectly in tune,
and a two-game rest is too much for the skipper. He's
not a player who benefits from being on the outside -
he's the heart of the club.
But after a few stray passes, anxious touches and a
yellow card for... Fuck all; sorry, winning the ball...
He found his mojo and the second 45 was a
Calmac-controlled possession procession.
HAKUNA HATATE - 7/10
Another slow starter but we know that's Reo. The hope
is always that he too gets in synch and becomes the
unplayable ninja drifter.
That he did, after the break especially, and was admirably
instrumental in the attacking flow. A jhoy to watch when
he's instinctively on his game.
THE TERMINATOR - 7/10
Tonight's lesson: The kid has class, class.
The midweek swagger wasn't diminished and, as I've noted,
there's an air of Aryan-arrogance about him; residue from
the Bundesliga we're benefitting from as he finds his feet.
And what feet - control, clips and passes. Highlight of
the game his vicious fizzing corner that CCV buried.
I wish we'd let him call the shots (almost literally) at
corners and decide on the play. That sort of delivery goes
a lot further than wanky tikki-takka short shifts or 'cute'
low balls aimed at the front post...
Nah, slam it into the goalmouth at head-height, swooping
like a fucking kestrel and let their alarmed netminder
deal with our heavy team piling in.
Or am I just uncultured?
LORD KATSUMOTO - 8.5/10 MOTM
The Rap Ghod of Hampden Park; Daizeminem made us Sing
For The Moment as he went Godzilla on them, with Venom,
Til They Collapsed.
The Fast And The Furious turned in their car keys when he
motored the length of the park to set up Kyogo. The following
hat-trick crowned him king for the night and no wonder - the
humble Japanese has been the enigma of Celtic's century,
electrifying and stupefying - always time for a 'Daizen's
Daizening again,' moment, with a stray cross fired at the
kiosks. Yet he remains indispensable, a legend of our times.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 7/10
Finally - and the final for us - Kyogo gets his (Ja... no,
don't say it; filthy...) eye back in and the Dundee blemishes
are erased in time for the forthcoming CL Titanic Tuesday.
And he nearly skied it, lol. But in off the bar or not, they all
count. No more than he deserves for the workrate; cutting,
juking, darting around their rugged backline. Off he came,
eventually, grinning; and happy Kyogo = goals.
TAKINTE - 7.5/10
Zing! As if Daizen wasn't enough, we've added the German Jinky
as a counter-terror deployment; not to counter any terror,
literally, but to add terror to our counter, if you know what
I mean in a Spike Milligan sense...
The Dons certainly do. He was a Shakesperian tempest to their
Doric disarray, running them through with a swashbuckling blade
as he cavorted around like Errol Flynn on crack.
That climactic swish of his switchblade left-foot into the top
corner iced their blood and had them begging for a merciful
return to the relatively warm Northern chill. Keep him fit,
let him loose.
SUBS -
GREGGS THE BAKER - N/A
Tidy things up, Greggs, was the instruction.
Sweeping done.
SAINT BERNARDO - 6/10
Clumsy, we thought, as he bundled about, losing possession.
Then up he pops with the sumptuous deft flick to set AJ in
for the 6th and all is forgiven.
DUNCAN IDAHO - N/A
At least he can still walk after the 'nothing tackle'
(© Eddie Fucking Munster) aka Motherwell GBH.
Didn't see him run much, but Tuesday will tell...
OF JUSTICE - N/A
Did we even need him? An easier win bonus he'll never
earn; cruise around for half an hour looking cool.
JAMESY - 6/10
"Shaggin' ye say...Like Ah'm no up fir that, man, eh?"
laughed Jamesy as the call came from the boss to 'strip'.
So on he came - almost literally in the Prestwick Flash's
case - and took up where he left-off Wednesday; more
composed, clever wingplay and general Jamesyness, also
involved in the 6th build-up.
Nobody's now done more Sheep shagging than veteran
shagger Jamesy; He's shagged The Sheep more times than
The Sheep have shagged sheep. Let that sink in, tongue-twister
fans.
THE NOTAPRODDYGAL - 8/10
It's Gerry Creaney arse pads at Xmas for Buck. And you
thought he didn't believe in the long ball as he took
one for the team, going down like a Jamesy conquest,
ending up with skid marks like the ones inside the hemp
Crapstore trackies of watching Huns.
Eyebrows were raised like Captain Kirk as we found out
he'd opted for the pure American pairing at centre-back
over the Irish-Yank hybrid; more Butch and Sundance than
Limerick and Goose (see what I did there, fans of Top Gun
and classic cowboy flicks?).
But he got the last laugh, absolutely schooling Jimmy From
Brookside as his Hoops went 'ram'pant against the Great
Northern Flock.
Job completely done and a chance to switch focus towards
the big game, Tuesday. If only things go so well, then.
MIBBERY - 5/10
Obviously, Clancy Drew was a school hallway monitor.
A humourless bastard one at that. 'But it's the rules...'
Aye, keep them cattle trucks filling...
But the blistering Celts gave the MIBs little hope for
salvaging their Hun overlords' reputations; only the
double-yellow sacred masonic top-trump card of the Tims'
manager and captain both in the book in a single match
will give them any solace.
Cunts.
OVERALL - 8.5/10
No pyro, no starty. Not for long, though. Soon after it
became apparent the real firecrackers were the Hoops on
the park; look, everybody - it's Donsfire Night.
Telltet yeez on Friday, so I did, that I fancied 4 or 5.
The Hoops let my Spidey senses down and papped in 6...
This was our 'Did ye, aye..." performance against the
uppity latest Hunskelpers, eager to tell us all about it,
and indicate we were next.
But our Bhoys had let them run their mouths off
after their fortunate but creditable draw at Paradise.
All that talk, and not a peep from The Hoops...
So after a half hour of standing in their faces and
matching their physical approach, the Celts' boots
started talking. And heids - slam, bam, thank you,
Baaaaaaa'm, said CCV and off we went.
Thereafter, the gulps in the Sheep throats were audible
through the cacophony of green and white glee as arses
were spanked, egos shrivelled and gurning Presbyterian
ratcatcher, Gimpy Shammie, was put back in his place by
a second-half masterclass in lethal possession football.
A big test, we were told. No, not for us. That comes
Tuesday and midweeks beyond. This was our next step to
domestic glory and record silverware hauls. The team is
clicking and the product is thrilling. How far do we dare
to dare? Answers incoming. Let's enjoy the ride.
Go Away Now
Sandman
bit Sandman
Slàinte
