Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v FEEGIE CRIPS & BLOODS
"The BBC has received a multitude of complaints about the latest
Sam Smith music video which shows him in the perverse act of
drinking... Well, basically - pish.
We formally offer our apologies for this, mainly to the Rangers
Supporters Association who contributed the majority of outraged
objections on the grounds that pish-drinking was the forte and
copyright of their members only."
- BBC Gender Fluid (Like Ryan Kent) Spokesperson.
ROXIE - 6.5/10
Big Joe Takes Charge. Not a new American sitcom, just the interval
around their penalty as we awaited the geological timespan of VAR
confirming the obvious.
Then Joe did what Joe does - dived the wrong way. Despite his penalty
record being on the level of Allan 'Shaggy' McGregor's consensual sex
ratio, the big fella was as commanding as ever and susprisingly
accurate with his footwork given the apparent treacherous underfoot
conditions.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6.5/10
Pinged it here, pinged it there, another busy bee evening for the
season's eyebrow-lifting champion who continues to impress with
sheer everythingness, fulfilling every function required and then
some.
STAR LORD - 6.5/10
Ach, well, at least he saved the spazz-out until the game was dead.
Before the ubiquitous Star Lord aberration he was as clinically on it
as recent times; a number of percipient interceptions and tidy passing
had me relaxing... Too fucking early; of course there was trouble ahead
and he fuelled the cynicism of many by dozing off, like... Well, like
a dozy bastard.
GET CARTER - 7/10
Bhoy's a rock. Right pec to the rescue to deny an equaliser from a
rasper of a shot, revelled in the physical tussle with Curtis Main
who Ange's going to sign in the summer, according to an alarming dream
I had the other night based around a new UEFA rule about baldy quotas...
Anyway, the big mhan stood strong and seemed to yet again enjoy the
physical test the Paisley phalanx posed.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 6.5/10
What does he possess that compensates for JJ/Tony's absence?
Well, we're seeing a fortitude and reliability on McGrainesque levels,
utilising his fitness and not shirking the dirty work. On an attacking
level, he was the driving force for an early second-half press,
firing some useful balls into the box after terrific timed runs.
We can rest easy on that RB position - this bhoy will give you 100%
comittment regardless of form or fitness; his mantra is consistency
and professionalism, relentless, focussed. In old-school terms - He
sleeps all night and he works all day...
CALMAC - 6.5/10
Hound dawg, hounded... They were all over him. Until their energy
levels dipped. Then he took full control, because Calmac eats tasty
Duracell bunnies for breakfast and will out play, out-think, and
outlast you (see what I did there, American fans of Survivor, the
world's greatest gameshow?).
MOOEY - 7/10
Suddenly, he's everywhere. From holding mid to roaming in the
gloaming. His general play and the runs and the natural
footballing nous are a joy to behold, and potent weapons.
That intensity seemed to catch him in the second period after
a formidable performance; passes lacked completion and he
appeared worn. No shame, after a shift covering for the likes
of...
EDDIE TURNBULL - 5.5/10
That was poor. Given a start, expectation was high that he'd
augment his recent appearances off the bench with a
matchwinning role in the cup tie of the round.
But his zimmer appeared to catch on the dodgy pitch and,
mostly - they come at night, mostly... - his contribution was
outlet balls going backwards.
It's true to say that Angeball lagged with his uncertain presence
in the middle; he was the buffer on the dodgy stream when we
were looking for a smooth, flawless feed.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 8/10 MOTM
Whatever the task, he's the action hero for it. Looked in the
mood early, crossed one off a post... Then the call came to get
central and fill the Killer Mushroom void. And didn't he?
Nicked in the opener and may have notched another second-half
with the most surprising Daizen-didn't-get-there-in-time moment
of the season as he failed to reach a superb low Gretzky ball
across the area and was left grounded, glaring after it like
physics has ceased to exist.
This mhan bust a gut in the scorching wastelands of Qatar,
sensationalising his own presence and his country's fairytale
rampage through the World Cup; no rest, no fucks given - back
he comes to the Hoops and defies the Anti-Madeas with a series
of matchwinning displays that will soon be historically regarded
as trophy-winning displays. Incredible. And mildly terrifying...
NOTEBOOK - 6.5/10
Watch me torment the cumbersome antagonists with an expression
of sublime grace via the meduim of dance... And he did so in flashes
of Jota magic, still - I insist - only warming up for the warmer climes
of April and May when he'll finish with a chart-topping flourish.
DEADLY NIGHTSHADE - N/A
K-pop lookalike pops a shoulder. And we hold our breath. And he
traipses off in a forlorn parody of his early September Hun exit.
And the mutterings turn to rueful quips about selling big Jackie
too early and the wisdom of no proven goalscorer, and, and...
And then...
SUBS -
OH BHOY - 7/10
Oh bhoy, Oh bhoy... That's how to do it. In some bizarre yet
existentially synchronous moment of imitation, the Bhoy Oh
grabs his opening Celtic goal in subtle mimickry of Jackeie's
final Celtic goal, and touch aganst Killie - nipping in (No, racists,
wrong country...) to snipe a rebound off the keeper like a
mamushi viper (That's a snake, Brendan Rodgers fans...).
All the way round the world to a strange land and culture in
a determined fury of seizing the day and furthering his career
- well done, kid; I hope that glory moment was worth it and
heralds many more to come. 우박 우박
HAKUNA HATATE - 7.5/10
That'll do, Reo. Two, you say? Impactful magic from the Japanese
Iniesta - quiet day contemplating existence on the bench becomes
a call to arms for emperor Ange. Guided in a sweet penalty then
garnished the day and our kid's 5-1 correct score bet with a Roy
of The Rovers finale smash that Godzilla wouldn't have kept out.
Sake's on you, bro.
ABADASS - 6.5/10
'Fuck's up with you wee mhan? How come you're not scoring like
every other Celtic sub in the universe? Truth was he struggled
in the February cold after an early surprising injection to
proceedings; Yes, we were all expecting an Oh straight swap...
But once he was warmed to the task, his 75th minute beautifully
composed intervention killed the tie - selling the dummy, thwarted
by the handball. He'll feel satisfied with an improved contribution.
THE BUILDER - 6.5/10
It's another first! First of the season, straight out of the FIFA
Playstation special moves - feet switch, unstoppable guided finish
beyond the despairing goaltender/net steward or whatever the
cool gaming kids call them...
Relief was in order for Matty's celebration - about five months at
least overdue. Still, you know how it works now - his eye's in, more
follow easy next outing, and the next; tell the bookies I sent you.
HACKY SACK - N/A
Just trotted about enjoying the goalfest from within the simulation
like a VR headset winner.
ANITA DOBSON - 7.5/10
Need something to swat off persistent opponents, Ange?
Just sold yer top goalscorer, Ange, aye?
So whit ye gonnae dae, Ange?
"4 subs, 4 fucking goals, mayte. Pass me beer."
MIBBERY - 3/10
VAR Decision: Yes. Yes. Yes, correct. Three times:
Two pens and a cun...
We paid for it to be present in the cup tie. They
made full use of it, and the Green Brigade provided
useful visual aids in case of confusion. Harmonious.
OVERALL - 7.5/10
Loook, on a day when your flowing football was hampered
by some underperformances, injury, and fiesty opponents
giving it a cup-tie go, Hun-family ref, priapic flag-armed
Little Britain back on his favourite sideline, and the Northern
Nazi Youth chief groomer running the other - to emerge
with a 5-1 scudding is very decent going.
As expected, we got a physical encounter and also as
expected the Bhoys took it on the chin and went toe-to-toe.
In spite of some scrappy periods, quality eventually counted
and we move towards a further public humiliation of the
scuttling pestilence from the Govan radiation zone and, of
course, towards a possible treble.
Distraction of the knockouts over until we meet Thistle
in the quarters, lets get buzzing for the upcoming Sheep
slaughter and that tantalising title scent on the spring
breeze; L'Air Du Fen'ian they call it in the finest Parisian
boutiques.
Go Away Now
Sandman
"The BBC has received a multitude of complaints about the latest
Sam Smith music video which shows him in the perverse act of
drinking... Well, basically - pish.
We formally offer our apologies for this, mainly to the Rangers
Supporters Association who contributed the majority of outraged
objections on the grounds that pish-drinking was the forte and
copyright of their members only."
- BBC Gender Fluid (Like Ryan Kent) Spokesperson.
ROXIE - 6.5/10
Big Joe Takes Charge. Not a new American sitcom, just the interval
around their penalty as we awaited the geological timespan of VAR
confirming the obvious.
Then Joe did what Joe does - dived the wrong way. Despite his penalty
record being on the level of Allan 'Shaggy' McGregor's consensual sex
ratio, the big fella was as commanding as ever and susprisingly
accurate with his footwork given the apparent treacherous underfoot
conditions.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6.5/10
Pinged it here, pinged it there, another busy bee evening for the
season's eyebrow-lifting champion who continues to impress with
sheer everythingness, fulfilling every function required and then
some.
STAR LORD - 6.5/10
Ach, well, at least he saved the spazz-out until the game was dead.
Before the ubiquitous Star Lord aberration he was as clinically on it
as recent times; a number of percipient interceptions and tidy passing
had me relaxing... Too fucking early; of course there was trouble ahead
and he fuelled the cynicism of many by dozing off, like... Well, like
a dozy bastard.
GET CARTER - 7/10
Bhoy's a rock. Right pec to the rescue to deny an equaliser from a
rasper of a shot, revelled in the physical tussle with Curtis Main
who Ange's going to sign in the summer, according to an alarming dream
I had the other night based around a new UEFA rule about baldy quotas...
Anyway, the big mhan stood strong and seemed to yet again enjoy the
physical test the Paisley phalanx posed.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 6.5/10
What does he possess that compensates for JJ/Tony's absence?
Well, we're seeing a fortitude and reliability on McGrainesque levels,
utilising his fitness and not shirking the dirty work. On an attacking
level, he was the driving force for an early second-half press,
firing some useful balls into the box after terrific timed runs.
We can rest easy on that RB position - this bhoy will give you 100%
comittment regardless of form or fitness; his mantra is consistency
and professionalism, relentless, focussed. In old-school terms - He
sleeps all night and he works all day...
CALMAC - 6.5/10
Hound dawg, hounded... They were all over him. Until their energy
levels dipped. Then he took full control, because Calmac eats tasty
Duracell bunnies for breakfast and will out play, out-think, and
outlast you (see what I did there, American fans of Survivor, the
world's greatest gameshow?).
MOOEY - 7/10
Suddenly, he's everywhere. From holding mid to roaming in the
gloaming. His general play and the runs and the natural
footballing nous are a joy to behold, and potent weapons.
That intensity seemed to catch him in the second period after
a formidable performance; passes lacked completion and he
appeared worn. No shame, after a shift covering for the likes
of...
EDDIE TURNBULL - 5.5/10
That was poor. Given a start, expectation was high that he'd
augment his recent appearances off the bench with a
matchwinning role in the cup tie of the round.
But his zimmer appeared to catch on the dodgy pitch and,
mostly - they come at night, mostly... - his contribution was
outlet balls going backwards.
It's true to say that Angeball lagged with his uncertain presence
in the middle; he was the buffer on the dodgy stream when we
were looking for a smooth, flawless feed.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 8/10 MOTM
Whatever the task, he's the action hero for it. Looked in the
mood early, crossed one off a post... Then the call came to get
central and fill the Killer Mushroom void. And didn't he?
Nicked in the opener and may have notched another second-half
with the most surprising Daizen-didn't-get-there-in-time moment
of the season as he failed to reach a superb low Gretzky ball
across the area and was left grounded, glaring after it like
physics has ceased to exist.
This mhan bust a gut in the scorching wastelands of Qatar,
sensationalising his own presence and his country's fairytale
rampage through the World Cup; no rest, no fucks given - back
he comes to the Hoops and defies the Anti-Madeas with a series
of matchwinning displays that will soon be historically regarded
as trophy-winning displays. Incredible. And mildly terrifying...
NOTEBOOK - 6.5/10
Watch me torment the cumbersome antagonists with an expression
of sublime grace via the meduim of dance... And he did so in flashes
of Jota magic, still - I insist - only warming up for the warmer climes
of April and May when he'll finish with a chart-topping flourish.
DEADLY NIGHTSHADE - N/A
K-pop lookalike pops a shoulder. And we hold our breath. And he
traipses off in a forlorn parody of his early September Hun exit.
And the mutterings turn to rueful quips about selling big Jackie
too early and the wisdom of no proven goalscorer, and, and...
And then...
SUBS -
OH BHOY - 7/10
Oh bhoy, Oh bhoy... That's how to do it. In some bizarre yet
existentially synchronous moment of imitation, the Bhoy Oh
grabs his opening Celtic goal in subtle mimickry of Jackeie's
final Celtic goal, and touch aganst Killie - nipping in (No, racists,
wrong country...) to snipe a rebound off the keeper like a
mamushi viper (That's a snake, Brendan Rodgers fans...).
All the way round the world to a strange land and culture in
a determined fury of seizing the day and furthering his career
- well done, kid; I hope that glory moment was worth it and
heralds many more to come. 우박 우박
HAKUNA HATATE - 7.5/10
That'll do, Reo. Two, you say? Impactful magic from the Japanese
Iniesta - quiet day contemplating existence on the bench becomes
a call to arms for emperor Ange. Guided in a sweet penalty then
garnished the day and our kid's 5-1 correct score bet with a Roy
of The Rovers finale smash that Godzilla wouldn't have kept out.
Sake's on you, bro.
ABADASS - 6.5/10
'Fuck's up with you wee mhan? How come you're not scoring like
every other Celtic sub in the universe? Truth was he struggled
in the February cold after an early surprising injection to
proceedings; Yes, we were all expecting an Oh straight swap...
But once he was warmed to the task, his 75th minute beautifully
composed intervention killed the tie - selling the dummy, thwarted
by the handball. He'll feel satisfied with an improved contribution.
THE BUILDER - 6.5/10
It's another first! First of the season, straight out of the FIFA
Playstation special moves - feet switch, unstoppable guided finish
beyond the despairing goaltender/net steward or whatever the
cool gaming kids call them...
Relief was in order for Matty's celebration - about five months at
least overdue. Still, you know how it works now - his eye's in, more
follow easy next outing, and the next; tell the bookies I sent you.
HACKY SACK - N/A
Just trotted about enjoying the goalfest from within the simulation
like a VR headset winner.
ANITA DOBSON - 7.5/10
Need something to swat off persistent opponents, Ange?
Just sold yer top goalscorer, Ange, aye?
So whit ye gonnae dae, Ange?
"4 subs, 4 fucking goals, mayte. Pass me beer."
MIBBERY - 3/10
VAR Decision: Yes. Yes. Yes, correct. Three times:
Two pens and a cun...
We paid for it to be present in the cup tie. They
made full use of it, and the Green Brigade provided
useful visual aids in case of confusion. Harmonious.
OVERALL - 7.5/10
Loook, on a day when your flowing football was hampered
by some underperformances, injury, and fiesty opponents
giving it a cup-tie go, Hun-family ref, priapic flag-armed
Little Britain back on his favourite sideline, and the Northern
Nazi Youth chief groomer running the other - to emerge
with a 5-1 scudding is very decent going.
As expected, we got a physical encounter and also as
expected the Bhoys took it on the chin and went toe-to-toe.
In spite of some scrappy periods, quality eventually counted
and we move towards a further public humiliation of the
scuttling pestilence from the Govan radiation zone and, of
course, towards a possible treble.
Distraction of the knockouts over until we meet Thistle
in the quarters, lets get buzzing for the upcoming Sheep
slaughter and that tantalising title scent on the spring
breeze; L'Air Du Fen'ian they call it in the finest Parisian
boutiques.
Go Away Now
Sandman
