Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v HI-FIDDLE-DE-DEE
"Ten Days Til Christmas and still time for you to snatch up
the NEW rushed stocking-filler DVD from The Rangers International
Soccer Franchise, 'Two Hours At The Top!'".
Amazon e-mail, 3.39pm today.
THE WALL - 7/10
Beijing is jealous. Our own tourist attraction set his formidable
self against a reinvigorated Hibs forward line who have been getting
some success recently.
Not so today. Not so for anybody - save of the game off his own
defender; smart and safe when he needed to be.
PINGPONG - 8.5/10 MOTM
Oh my days! Wee dynamo channelling jinky, set up Eddy early on,
then had the compliment repaid as he snuck in to slot home the
opener.
Was he happy with that? Does Alfredo Morelos solicit oral favours
from crack-whores?
At it again to gift Eddy a sitter with some great vision. So much
energy he's a real problem to contain. Especially around this time
of year - like Will Ferrel in Elf when he sees Santa.
Going to be THE star of the NINE if he can keep this up.
AJER - 7/10
Brilliant saving tackle to deny Hibs a golden chance at 0-0.
Was up and at them like the Vikings Season 6 promo - possibly
inspired by his foefathers' insanity; not one for shirking
responsibility is young Ironside. Becoming a taken-for-granted
stalwart by many, forgetting he's only 21.
JULLIEN CLARY - 6.5/10
Le Grande Hunskelpere had to be on his defensive game, facing a
challenging Hibs front line. He exudes composure if not rock-solid
fortitude, taking a buffetting off their central lunk and maintaining
a wary eye on Swiss-Franco cheese-merchant, Camemberi...
Tried to show him how to do it with a late Butcher-esque effort on
his own goal that unleashed the power of The Wall.
JAMIE FOXX - 6/10
Always looks so damn happy to be in Paradise, even when he's playing
like a dumb Labrador chasing squirrels. At times threatening to the
opposition - close to a goal himself, and at times threatening to us;
dozing, out of defensive position.
He's a conundrum - but as long as he keeps the positive balance greater
than the negative, we'll prevail.
BROON - 6.5/10
Visited Santa midweek, got part of his list fulfilled earlier today by
Don Robertson. So took the field grinning and ready for combat against
the team that play in the stadium at the bottom of Broon's back garden.
As always, Scott Allan was the Broon's main concern as he turned in
another solid Captain's performance to limit the opposition's scope and
maintain dominance.
CALMAC -7.5/10
Rested? Not for this Bhoy - spent all week delivering mail as Lennony
enrolled him as a part-time postie to keep him busy while the team were
in Transylvania.
The logistics of getting all those Santa letters to the right addresses
seemed to have tuned his football brain - impressively sharp with Sam
Jackson on his wavelength.
But only Calmac maintained the rhythm for the duration - close to scoring,
at the heart of decent build-up. We still await the game-winning
flourishes, but there's plenty opportunity on the horizon.
SAM JACKSON - 5.5/10
No muthufuckin' CAPTAIN Muthufucka today. Nope. VICE Captain Muthufucka
at your service. Know what that means, Muthufuckas? - Captain of VICE!
Daym right! Runnin' Hoes for the Bros.
In general, bingin' some class ass to the holy grass, Muthufucka took
these meth-heads to rehab. Born to hustle, Muthufucka spread some righteous
quality between mid and Eddy, testing their resistance (know what they
called resistnce in France, muthufuckas? 'Le Resistance'...) early in the
game, galloping those Muthufuckas back towards Gaytown.
Then... Muthufucka dipped as Hibs compressed lines. Slick became stuck,
muthufuckin' stuck as he bogged down with the Begbies when he should have
been teachin' them some verse. Lost his way like an unrighteous man in
that second 45.
BITTON - 6/10
Casually present. Tick-tocked around like a shopping mall security
guard for the midfield, insisting on tidiness and the closing of gaps.
Took a booking for some tomfuckery late on. All-round competent, did
as was required of him.
FORREST - 5/10
Hung about with fellow elves down the workshop all week,
turned up sometime second-half to cushion a nice lay-off
for Eddy's goal. Should/could/would have scored himself but
for luck.
Jamesy's gone all Silent Night right now, but can we expect
a racous cover of Merry Xmas Everybody if Jamesy can get it
out in time for our upcoming crucial games? (Ladies...)
FRENCH EDDY - 6.5/10
Le retour. And au revoir Hibees. Should have capped Pingpong
mazy with the opener but contrived to put it wide. Them came
the pulled chances and a Morelos early second-half.
However, once a real sharpshooter finally gets his sight
aligned... Swept in the killer to sicken black souls, shrugged,
and sauntered off. C'est La Vie, Huns.
SUBS:
GRIFF - 6/10
'Get one in, son!' Never a problem for Griff (fnarr-fnarr) but
not yet adding to his formidable tally; a couple of half-chances
as he sniffed about. Main thing is keeping him as sharp as
possible for the festive fury. I suggest Jager-Bombs.
ROGIC - N/A
Big Oz swanned on with a few minutes to go, swanned off again.
Knackered.
LENNONY - 7.5/10
Last Christmas Lennony laid the foundations for his early 2019
dismissal by falling out with his CEO at the club festive bash.
Perhaps you shouldn't have gotten her a big strap-on for Secret
Santa, Lenonny... Or left a card with it saying, 'No hard
feelings...'.
There's an edge for him when facing his former employers,
particularly as the Boot was a Hun season-ticket holder in years
gone by and used to scream vociferous orange-lesbian-tinged abuse
at him, allegedly - like, "Ye widnae get a sniff at a ginger muff
in ma hoose ya fenian basturt!" or something suchlike, as reported
by the Morningside society magazine, 'Creme De Caledonia'...
So revenge was solid for Lennony, faced with a tricky proposition
as the Hun win earlier added to the pressure to perform. His choices
looked less swashbuckling than expected, but we saw through the game
more professionally than spectacularly and he emerges vindicated.
OVERALL - 7.5/10
Hibs rolled into town with a swagger, convinced they'd recently
employed terrorist-busting superagent Jack Ryan to rescue their
season.
Unfortunately for their dyslexic club secretary it was Jack Ross,
still a decent manager who did a good containment job on us with
Alloa a few years ago, but is unlikely to be foiling assasination
plots in the Middle East.
He sounds more probable as the solicitor you get allocated after
being lifted for fighting in the kebab shop; "Hello, I'm Jack Ross
from Ross Jack and Co., attorneys to the deited and deranged..."
Anyway, they were sure to be more regimented and focussed than the
last time we failed to beat them, making for an anxious must-win
encounter.
And yet again we take the lead and fail to kill them off; same
script as many previous Hibs games. Per Eddy's sitter at 1-0,
there's almost a recurring existential mindblock when it comes to
crucial league points and pumping the Light Side of Edinburgh.
Tempo slackened, intensity dropped and Hibs began to expand like the
'universe, she is a bitch' as Norman Mailer had it; we were in trouble...
For about ten minutes. Then Eddy nonchalantly sealed the points. phew.
No late drama, no scares, no catastrophe. Job done yet again, Huns left
tearing out their own pubes with seething angst. Again.
16 Down. 22 games to go, to the NINE. And every single minute counts.
Go Away Now.
Sandman. Rolling on.
"Ten Days Til Christmas and still time for you to snatch up
the NEW rushed stocking-filler DVD from The Rangers International
Soccer Franchise, 'Two Hours At The Top!'".
Amazon e-mail, 3.39pm today.
THE WALL - 7/10
Beijing is jealous. Our own tourist attraction set his formidable
self against a reinvigorated Hibs forward line who have been getting
some success recently.
Not so today. Not so for anybody - save of the game off his own
defender; smart and safe when he needed to be.
PINGPONG - 8.5/10 MOTM
Oh my days! Wee dynamo channelling jinky, set up Eddy early on,
then had the compliment repaid as he snuck in to slot home the
opener.
Was he happy with that? Does Alfredo Morelos solicit oral favours
from crack-whores?
At it again to gift Eddy a sitter with some great vision. So much
energy he's a real problem to contain. Especially around this time
of year - like Will Ferrel in Elf when he sees Santa.
Going to be THE star of the NINE if he can keep this up.
AJER - 7/10
Brilliant saving tackle to deny Hibs a golden chance at 0-0.
Was up and at them like the Vikings Season 6 promo - possibly
inspired by his foefathers' insanity; not one for shirking
responsibility is young Ironside. Becoming a taken-for-granted
stalwart by many, forgetting he's only 21.
JULLIEN CLARY - 6.5/10
Le Grande Hunskelpere had to be on his defensive game, facing a
challenging Hibs front line. He exudes composure if not rock-solid
fortitude, taking a buffetting off their central lunk and maintaining
a wary eye on Swiss-Franco cheese-merchant, Camemberi...
Tried to show him how to do it with a late Butcher-esque effort on
his own goal that unleashed the power of The Wall.
JAMIE FOXX - 6/10
Always looks so damn happy to be in Paradise, even when he's playing
like a dumb Labrador chasing squirrels. At times threatening to the
opposition - close to a goal himself, and at times threatening to us;
dozing, out of defensive position.
He's a conundrum - but as long as he keeps the positive balance greater
than the negative, we'll prevail.
BROON - 6.5/10
Visited Santa midweek, got part of his list fulfilled earlier today by
Don Robertson. So took the field grinning and ready for combat against
the team that play in the stadium at the bottom of Broon's back garden.
As always, Scott Allan was the Broon's main concern as he turned in
another solid Captain's performance to limit the opposition's scope and
maintain dominance.
CALMAC -7.5/10
Rested? Not for this Bhoy - spent all week delivering mail as Lennony
enrolled him as a part-time postie to keep him busy while the team were
in Transylvania.
The logistics of getting all those Santa letters to the right addresses
seemed to have tuned his football brain - impressively sharp with Sam
Jackson on his wavelength.
But only Calmac maintained the rhythm for the duration - close to scoring,
at the heart of decent build-up. We still await the game-winning
flourishes, but there's plenty opportunity on the horizon.
SAM JACKSON - 5.5/10
No muthufuckin' CAPTAIN Muthufucka today. Nope. VICE Captain Muthufucka
at your service. Know what that means, Muthufuckas? - Captain of VICE!
Daym right! Runnin' Hoes for the Bros.
In general, bingin' some class ass to the holy grass, Muthufucka took
these meth-heads to rehab. Born to hustle, Muthufucka spread some righteous
quality between mid and Eddy, testing their resistance (know what they
called resistnce in France, muthufuckas? 'Le Resistance'...) early in the
game, galloping those Muthufuckas back towards Gaytown.
Then... Muthufucka dipped as Hibs compressed lines. Slick became stuck,
muthufuckin' stuck as he bogged down with the Begbies when he should have
been teachin' them some verse. Lost his way like an unrighteous man in
that second 45.
BITTON - 6/10
Casually present. Tick-tocked around like a shopping mall security
guard for the midfield, insisting on tidiness and the closing of gaps.
Took a booking for some tomfuckery late on. All-round competent, did
as was required of him.
FORREST - 5/10
Hung about with fellow elves down the workshop all week,
turned up sometime second-half to cushion a nice lay-off
for Eddy's goal. Should/could/would have scored himself but
for luck.
Jamesy's gone all Silent Night right now, but can we expect
a racous cover of Merry Xmas Everybody if Jamesy can get it
out in time for our upcoming crucial games? (Ladies...)
FRENCH EDDY - 6.5/10
Le retour. And au revoir Hibees. Should have capped Pingpong
mazy with the opener but contrived to put it wide. Them came
the pulled chances and a Morelos early second-half.
However, once a real sharpshooter finally gets his sight
aligned... Swept in the killer to sicken black souls, shrugged,
and sauntered off. C'est La Vie, Huns.
SUBS:
GRIFF - 6/10
'Get one in, son!' Never a problem for Griff (fnarr-fnarr) but
not yet adding to his formidable tally; a couple of half-chances
as he sniffed about. Main thing is keeping him as sharp as
possible for the festive fury. I suggest Jager-Bombs.
ROGIC - N/A
Big Oz swanned on with a few minutes to go, swanned off again.
Knackered.
LENNONY - 7.5/10
Last Christmas Lennony laid the foundations for his early 2019
dismissal by falling out with his CEO at the club festive bash.
Perhaps you shouldn't have gotten her a big strap-on for Secret
Santa, Lenonny... Or left a card with it saying, 'No hard
feelings...'.
There's an edge for him when facing his former employers,
particularly as the Boot was a Hun season-ticket holder in years
gone by and used to scream vociferous orange-lesbian-tinged abuse
at him, allegedly - like, "Ye widnae get a sniff at a ginger muff
in ma hoose ya fenian basturt!" or something suchlike, as reported
by the Morningside society magazine, 'Creme De Caledonia'...
So revenge was solid for Lennony, faced with a tricky proposition
as the Hun win earlier added to the pressure to perform. His choices
looked less swashbuckling than expected, but we saw through the game
more professionally than spectacularly and he emerges vindicated.
OVERALL - 7.5/10
Hibs rolled into town with a swagger, convinced they'd recently
employed terrorist-busting superagent Jack Ryan to rescue their
season.
Unfortunately for their dyslexic club secretary it was Jack Ross,
still a decent manager who did a good containment job on us with
Alloa a few years ago, but is unlikely to be foiling assasination
plots in the Middle East.
He sounds more probable as the solicitor you get allocated after
being lifted for fighting in the kebab shop; "Hello, I'm Jack Ross
from Ross Jack and Co., attorneys to the deited and deranged..."
Anyway, they were sure to be more regimented and focussed than the
last time we failed to beat them, making for an anxious must-win
encounter.
And yet again we take the lead and fail to kill them off; same
script as many previous Hibs games. Per Eddy's sitter at 1-0,
there's almost a recurring existential mindblock when it comes to
crucial league points and pumping the Light Side of Edinburgh.
Tempo slackened, intensity dropped and Hibs began to expand like the
'universe, she is a bitch' as Norman Mailer had it; we were in trouble...
For about ten minutes. Then Eddy nonchalantly sealed the points. phew.
No late drama, no scares, no catastrophe. Job done yet again, Huns left
tearing out their own pubes with seething angst. Again.
16 Down. 22 games to go, to the NINE. And every single minute counts.
Go Away Now.
Sandman. Rolling on.
