Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS - CELTIC v KILTHEMWITHFIRE part 1
"Yeah, Kirk Broadfoot - navigates the football pitch like a crippled
At-At piloted by brain-damaged imperial stormtroopers stumbling across
the snows of Hoth in the Empire strikes Back, and can be just as lethal
to Celtic players health as that of Luke Skywalker. When big Peter saw
him in the directors' box today, he called me and Chewy immediately."
Han Solo.
"Aye, yeez wantin' a referendum, ur yeez? Ah'll gie ye wan - vote fur the Huns
to leave the land o' the livin' again. A simple Aye or Naw. Noo pass that Mad Dug..."
Nicola Sturgeon.
"Yeeeees, I tink we're goin' to win the title at last. It's goin' to be, like,
proper epic! Eeeey? Nah, I'm talkin' about Livpeeeewl. Rangers? Nah, we're fucked."
Slippy G
BANE - 8.5/10
One misplaced pass, half a dozen vital stops, the outstanding block
being on ex-Zombie Burke who ghosted onto a fluke break of the ball.
That former ginger-boufanted Hun, a vague Stuart McCall tribute act,
now resembling a survivor of a novichok assassination attempt, seemed
certain to spike a dagger into our title party and cause horrendous
anxiety.
But Bane was alerted in a flash of psychosis as what appeared to
him to be one of Immortal Joe's War Boys from Mad Max Thunder Road
suddenly burst through the middle of his defence. He raced not to
save, but to main, and possibly kill. Burke panicked, the moment was
Bane's, we survived to triumph. Another splendid day for the
supervillain keeper.
LUSTIG - 7.5/10
Stig of the Pump, as Mrs.Lustig calls him, showed again why he's
done/legs gone/not Celtic class/agitator of the boo-bhoys with his
usual quality play - virtually had to run the right-side on his own
due to Jamesy being in a huff. Mad Micka is needed - extend that
contract imediately; it'll cost far more to replace him. Let him
coach in young Ralston at RB.
IZZY - 7/10
Peyote is a wonderful substance. Take Izzy for example -
outcast, outgoing, gone - off to the middle east. Then...
Back! Shoot! Cross, run up and down wing wearing the Hoops!
The Hoops? Me thought I was in desert. In dunes, with Jeem
Morrison and Doors. Ray Manzarek say, 'Izzy, man, try some of
thees herb, man, ees plant Indians dig, baby...'
So I try and suddenly Arabia ees gone, dissolv-ed and Green
Brigade ees screaming "Shoot, Izzy, Shoot, for fock's sake!'
Wow, man, I ees back and maybe was never gone. I dunno -
Jeemsay all things are one and time is an illusion - but
I play well, yes?
Yes.
AJER - 7/10
Clumsy Kris, say some. Unlucky, says I. First half fumble
was a bad ricochet between his ankles and made up for by a
stunning recovery. He was never quite in his stride today but the
bhoy's a future titan.
JOZO - 9/10 MOTM
Ye still freaked out? The big number 5 centre-half, with
the head, in the 67th minute - fuck you, Nostradamus.
With that mind-boggling synchronicity Jozo cracked open
a fissure in the space-time continuum, formerly known as
Minkowski space, this fouth-dimensional realm was hastily
re-monickered to Simunovic Gulag Law by astounded
cosmologists.
Aside from his epoch-making re-shaping of reality, his
overall play was almost perfect - terrific defensive
awareness and presence; and plenty to do as Killie turned
up with intent.
I've said it repeatedly - he's the best natural defender
we've got/had in years; When fully fit. He's worth resting
at times so that we get the crucial big-game performances
from him. A player who'd be world-class but for his injury
record. Still, he's ours. And should stay ours for years
to come.
BROON - 7.5/10
Celtic's Tommy Shelby gradually exerted his potent will
on the midfield after being severely tested by the pace
Kille managed to inject there, along with the licenced
thuggery of Tampax Power, who changed the game with his
own mistake - taking a yellow on Broon and dulling his
effectiveness from that point, allowing our skipper to
boss it and get the creatives ticking.
A harder shift than Broony expected, I think, but a great
one to win.
CALMAC - 7.5/10
Started way too high, lost amid their defensive block, but
he dropped back after half an hour and started popping up
like a dainty gremlin and dictating the tempo.
Anchored beside Broon, moving forward at will is where we
need him; as if Broony had a magical pocket sprite called
Callum he could summon to smite foes, like a special-power
sidekick in a video game.
Speaking of which...
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG - 6/10
Someone with Sincy's talent should be eating up a Killie
defence. But he's still, bemusingly, a player who appears
at times to lack confidence. NO complaints here about his
effort - just the end product that wasn't there today, be
it final ball or finishing - Sunday league scuffs aplenty.
We've seen the dynamic flash of a player who cruises past
opponents witohut thinking - perhaps he needs to get back
to that - un-thinking his game and letting his feet walk
the walk.
There are plenty Sincy-haters coming out the woodwork now -
but that's only because they're frustrated with what they
know is a terrific player who misfires too often.
Currently.
If budget allows it, and he agrees to Celtic's
terms, I'd keep him and see if he wants to play for his
jersey. Costly exercise to replace a guy like him when
you know what he's capable of.
continued: part 2 near you.
"Yeah, Kirk Broadfoot - navigates the football pitch like a crippled
At-At piloted by brain-damaged imperial stormtroopers stumbling across
the snows of Hoth in the Empire strikes Back, and can be just as lethal
to Celtic players health as that of Luke Skywalker. When big Peter saw
him in the directors' box today, he called me and Chewy immediately."
Han Solo.
"Aye, yeez wantin' a referendum, ur yeez? Ah'll gie ye wan - vote fur the Huns
to leave the land o' the livin' again. A simple Aye or Naw. Noo pass that Mad Dug..."
Nicola Sturgeon.
"Yeeeees, I tink we're goin' to win the title at last. It's goin' to be, like,
proper epic! Eeeey? Nah, I'm talkin' about Livpeeeewl. Rangers? Nah, we're fucked."
Slippy G
BANE - 8.5/10
One misplaced pass, half a dozen vital stops, the outstanding block
being on ex-Zombie Burke who ghosted onto a fluke break of the ball.
That former ginger-boufanted Hun, a vague Stuart McCall tribute act,
now resembling a survivor of a novichok assassination attempt, seemed
certain to spike a dagger into our title party and cause horrendous
anxiety.
But Bane was alerted in a flash of psychosis as what appeared to
him to be one of Immortal Joe's War Boys from Mad Max Thunder Road
suddenly burst through the middle of his defence. He raced not to
save, but to main, and possibly kill. Burke panicked, the moment was
Bane's, we survived to triumph. Another splendid day for the
supervillain keeper.
LUSTIG - 7.5/10
Stig of the Pump, as Mrs.Lustig calls him, showed again why he's
done/legs gone/not Celtic class/agitator of the boo-bhoys with his
usual quality play - virtually had to run the right-side on his own
due to Jamesy being in a huff. Mad Micka is needed - extend that
contract imediately; it'll cost far more to replace him. Let him
coach in young Ralston at RB.
IZZY - 7/10
Peyote is a wonderful substance. Take Izzy for example -
outcast, outgoing, gone - off to the middle east. Then...
Back! Shoot! Cross, run up and down wing wearing the Hoops!
The Hoops? Me thought I was in desert. In dunes, with Jeem
Morrison and Doors. Ray Manzarek say, 'Izzy, man, try some of
thees herb, man, ees plant Indians dig, baby...'
So I try and suddenly Arabia ees gone, dissolv-ed and Green
Brigade ees screaming "Shoot, Izzy, Shoot, for fock's sake!'
Wow, man, I ees back and maybe was never gone. I dunno -
Jeemsay all things are one and time is an illusion - but
I play well, yes?
Yes.
AJER - 7/10
Clumsy Kris, say some. Unlucky, says I. First half fumble
was a bad ricochet between his ankles and made up for by a
stunning recovery. He was never quite in his stride today but the
bhoy's a future titan.
JOZO - 9/10 MOTM
Ye still freaked out? The big number 5 centre-half, with
the head, in the 67th minute - fuck you, Nostradamus.
With that mind-boggling synchronicity Jozo cracked open
a fissure in the space-time continuum, formerly known as
Minkowski space, this fouth-dimensional realm was hastily
re-monickered to Simunovic Gulag Law by astounded
cosmologists.
Aside from his epoch-making re-shaping of reality, his
overall play was almost perfect - terrific defensive
awareness and presence; and plenty to do as Killie turned
up with intent.
I've said it repeatedly - he's the best natural defender
we've got/had in years; When fully fit. He's worth resting
at times so that we get the crucial big-game performances
from him. A player who'd be world-class but for his injury
record. Still, he's ours. And should stay ours for years
to come.
BROON - 7.5/10
Celtic's Tommy Shelby gradually exerted his potent will
on the midfield after being severely tested by the pace
Kille managed to inject there, along with the licenced
thuggery of Tampax Power, who changed the game with his
own mistake - taking a yellow on Broon and dulling his
effectiveness from that point, allowing our skipper to
boss it and get the creatives ticking.
A harder shift than Broony expected, I think, but a great
one to win.
CALMAC - 7.5/10
Started way too high, lost amid their defensive block, but
he dropped back after half an hour and started popping up
like a dainty gremlin and dictating the tempo.
Anchored beside Broon, moving forward at will is where we
need him; as if Broony had a magical pocket sprite called
Callum he could summon to smite foes, like a special-power
sidekick in a video game.
Speaking of which...
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG - 6/10
Someone with Sincy's talent should be eating up a Killie
defence. But he's still, bemusingly, a player who appears
at times to lack confidence. NO complaints here about his
effort - just the end product that wasn't there today, be
it final ball or finishing - Sunday league scuffs aplenty.
We've seen the dynamic flash of a player who cruises past
opponents witohut thinking - perhaps he needs to get back
to that - un-thinking his game and letting his feet walk
the walk.
There are plenty Sincy-haters coming out the woodwork now -
but that's only because they're frustrated with what they
know is a terrific player who misfires too often.
Currently.
If budget allows it, and he agrees to Celtic's
terms, I'd keep him and see if he wants to play for his
jersey. Costly exercise to replace a guy like him when
you know what he's capable of.
continued: part 2 near you.
