Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v LIVITICUS
"Despite valiant attempts from our allies in the Commonwealth,
it has been impossible to deliver the drained blood of colonial
orphans to the Palace in time to resurrect the Duke for the
sixth time this century."
Buckingham Palace spokesperson.
"Dear Mr.Fagan, please note that you are now the last man left
alive who has shagged Her Majesty. We expect you to carry this
honourable title forward with dignity and discretion."
Telegram intercepted from Windsor to a Mr. Michael Fagan.
"The Greek's dead? Well, at least that'll put an end to the
brutal anal. And for him."
Quote attributed to HRH Queen Elizabeth II. Unconfirmed.
"Contrary to poluar belief, and the laws of the known universe,
Prince Philip has not 'died' as such, and from Monday morning
will henceforth return to Royal duties under the title, 'HRH Duke
Of Sevco.'
Palace statement.
BANE - 7/10
Boredom never sat well with this master villain and he appeared
to welcome the opoortunity to contribute fine goalkeeping to
another clean sheet. Next week may be his swansong and triumph
if he's on it like a (crime) boss.
JONJO O'NEILL - 6/10
Hectic week for the Grand National participant who had a
helicopter ready (Polis, hijacked by Drexl...) to whisk
him to Aintree at the final whistle. He was able to play
today only because his original ride,'Phil The Greek' was
declared a non-runner yesterday...
A little unsure of himself at times but sticks to the
formula and eases himself into a groove. Has appeared a
consumate professional in his difficult time here, if not
anything over-exciting on the football front; kudos where
it's due.
RAQUEL - 6.5/10
Sharp early to cover Broon set her tone; well focussed
and playing exactly as we'd hope a prospect might -
on task with intensity. Another step on the ladder to
Celtic stalwart. And glamour girl.
AJER - 7/10
Rampaging viking or dancing princess? His metrosexual
alter-ego Kristiano resurfaces to dazzle in the second
half and we again find his surging presence one we cannot
afford to lose in the summer. Though we will. Unless
Henrik gets the job...
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6.5/10
Back from extended leave for hot-cross bun making
over Easter. Hope the baking was delivered better
than his crosses. Still full of industry and
his passing was efficient and sometimes added leverage,
putting Elshag in to lay on the second.
BROON - 6/10
A training session for his do-or-die quest into the
heart of darkness next Saturday. Useful experience of
being closed down with urgency for early period by
Livi press - suspect the Huns will attempt to apply
similar with their well-drilled midfield grunts.
There's no way Broon won't start next week so get used
to it; We're going in old-school like some 80s action
movie reboot. It'll be fucking Space Marines v Aliens;
take off and nuke it from orbit, I say.
CALMAC - 6/10
A quiet adventure in the sun for Calmac, nifty feet
and sensible shoes on to tidy up the midfield. No
spectacular contribution necessary.
One big dazzling Calmac-esque game required at Mordor
to lay the ghost of his January horrorshow.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6.5/10
What a thigh. A thigh of relief as he put the game more or less
beyond him. We never relied upon a vintage Eddie performance,
good news for a man of his age. Saving his best zimmer for the
Huns we hope.
JAMESY - 7/10
The Flash strikes again! Might have trundled in, but
that depends what part of his anatomy he hit it with,
ladies...
Did we miss him? Well, when you see the movement and
zest, coupled with the team play Corpus has sadly lacked,
he adds a dimension of dynamism that can really make the
difference.
And as we cruised, calamity - off with a 'non-contact
injury'. Meaning he's pulled something. Let's hope its
just the usual something tugged a mite too enthusiastically
after his goal...
ELSHAGYONLASSIE - 8/10 MOTM
Sublime performance that's got the support effusive.
Looked class; movement, finishing, creativity.
And perhaps that's my season-long criticism in a
single game - where was that performance in our times
of need? Where was he when the chips were truly down?
Where will he be in August? The jury for him is as
contentious as in '12 Angry Men'. Or 12 Angry Tims...
FRENCH EDDY - 5/10
L'expectations... not many here. A game of intermittent
involvement, some flair, some despair, mostly appearing
as though he, too, was warming up. For what? Well, next
week, we hope...
SUBS:
CHRISTIE - 6.5/10
The 'Resurrected Rabona' made an appearance as the shout
went out, 'stop the fancies, ya boner'. Sweet finish
after 'Back To The Future-esque' link-up with big Effe.
The YouTube highlight reel will get a nice edit tonight ...
THE YETI - N/A
A smile? After nearly scoring? One lunge might've got him
on the end of a cultured Corpus ball in. Maybe the rueful
grin was for his own surprise at a useful Corpus delivery...
MAN OF - N/A
On ye go and think about next season...
GRIFF - N/A
Like Calmac, tuning up, looking to lay the ghost of
January's Death Star anguish. But Griff's actually
looking to lay something... Somebody explain to him,
and warn Morelos; Then again, maybe don't...
JFK - 7/10
The 'Unbeaten John Fucking Kennedy' plaque is being engraved
as you read. Organisation and purposeful possession and some
eclectic outwitting of the Livi press had the game tied up by
half-time. So he did what the previous incumbent failed to do
all season and got the job done tout-suite.
Then he took off Elshag on a deuce when some people had backed
him for a hat-trick at 80/1. EIGHTY ffs.
So he'll be keeping a keen eye on the situation in case Captain
Howedy takes the coward's otpion and possesses Palace instead.
The JFK remit is surprisingly simple - enter the Ninth Circle
of Hell next week and pump the demonic transvestites 7-0.
OVERALL - 7.5/10
If there was ever a game of nothing, this was it. Sunny
day, and Livi players lay about the fucking park for the
first ten minutes taking in the scenes as my beer warmed
up and a snooze seemed a better option.
Pre-match entertainment provided by extraneous fireworks
display during the minute's silence for a racist, white
supremacist Greek sailor. Must've been some cheeky Hun
Monkeys with no sense of ocassion...
Then somebody threw a ball onto the park and we got going.
Eventually, after coping with their fiesty formation we
really got going and did what we should have done in January.
Twice.
But the milk's spilt and we now look ahead to D-Day and a
real demolition required of the Hun. We need to deliver
such a sound thrashing, a humiliating pounding, that their
entire season will be dismissed as a laughable freak event.
Can we do it? Of course; the REAL 9 in a row Celtic has to
turn up at some point in 20/21. Will we? No idea. Should we?
Damn right - these players have got more to prove to
themselves now than any of us. So, in the words of Oscar Wilde's
famous chant: - "Get intae them, fuck them up! Get intae them,
fuck them up!"
I may have paraphrased.
Go Away Now.
Sandman
"Despite valiant attempts from our allies in the Commonwealth,
it has been impossible to deliver the drained blood of colonial
orphans to the Palace in time to resurrect the Duke for the
sixth time this century."
Buckingham Palace spokesperson.
"Dear Mr.Fagan, please note that you are now the last man left
alive who has shagged Her Majesty. We expect you to carry this
honourable title forward with dignity and discretion."
Telegram intercepted from Windsor to a Mr. Michael Fagan.
"The Greek's dead? Well, at least that'll put an end to the
brutal anal. And for him."
Quote attributed to HRH Queen Elizabeth II. Unconfirmed.
"Contrary to poluar belief, and the laws of the known universe,
Prince Philip has not 'died' as such, and from Monday morning
will henceforth return to Royal duties under the title, 'HRH Duke
Of Sevco.'
Palace statement.
BANE - 7/10
Boredom never sat well with this master villain and he appeared
to welcome the opoortunity to contribute fine goalkeeping to
another clean sheet. Next week may be his swansong and triumph
if he's on it like a (crime) boss.
JONJO O'NEILL - 6/10
Hectic week for the Grand National participant who had a
helicopter ready (Polis, hijacked by Drexl...) to whisk
him to Aintree at the final whistle. He was able to play
today only because his original ride,'Phil The Greek' was
declared a non-runner yesterday...
A little unsure of himself at times but sticks to the
formula and eases himself into a groove. Has appeared a
consumate professional in his difficult time here, if not
anything over-exciting on the football front; kudos where
it's due.
RAQUEL - 6.5/10
Sharp early to cover Broon set her tone; well focussed
and playing exactly as we'd hope a prospect might -
on task with intensity. Another step on the ladder to
Celtic stalwart. And glamour girl.
AJER - 7/10
Rampaging viking or dancing princess? His metrosexual
alter-ego Kristiano resurfaces to dazzle in the second
half and we again find his surging presence one we cannot
afford to lose in the summer. Though we will. Unless
Henrik gets the job...
GREGGS THE BAKER - 6.5/10
Back from extended leave for hot-cross bun making
over Easter. Hope the baking was delivered better
than his crosses. Still full of industry and
his passing was efficient and sometimes added leverage,
putting Elshag in to lay on the second.
BROON - 6/10
A training session for his do-or-die quest into the
heart of darkness next Saturday. Useful experience of
being closed down with urgency for early period by
Livi press - suspect the Huns will attempt to apply
similar with their well-drilled midfield grunts.
There's no way Broon won't start next week so get used
to it; We're going in old-school like some 80s action
movie reboot. It'll be fucking Space Marines v Aliens;
take off and nuke it from orbit, I say.
CALMAC - 6/10
A quiet adventure in the sun for Calmac, nifty feet
and sensible shoes on to tidy up the midfield. No
spectacular contribution necessary.
One big dazzling Calmac-esque game required at Mordor
to lay the ghost of his January horrorshow.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6.5/10
What a thigh. A thigh of relief as he put the game more or less
beyond him. We never relied upon a vintage Eddie performance,
good news for a man of his age. Saving his best zimmer for the
Huns we hope.
JAMESY - 7/10
The Flash strikes again! Might have trundled in, but
that depends what part of his anatomy he hit it with,
ladies...
Did we miss him? Well, when you see the movement and
zest, coupled with the team play Corpus has sadly lacked,
he adds a dimension of dynamism that can really make the
difference.
And as we cruised, calamity - off with a 'non-contact
injury'. Meaning he's pulled something. Let's hope its
just the usual something tugged a mite too enthusiastically
after his goal...
ELSHAGYONLASSIE - 8/10 MOTM
Sublime performance that's got the support effusive.
Looked class; movement, finishing, creativity.
And perhaps that's my season-long criticism in a
single game - where was that performance in our times
of need? Where was he when the chips were truly down?
Where will he be in August? The jury for him is as
contentious as in '12 Angry Men'. Or 12 Angry Tims...
FRENCH EDDY - 5/10
L'expectations... not many here. A game of intermittent
involvement, some flair, some despair, mostly appearing
as though he, too, was warming up. For what? Well, next
week, we hope...
SUBS:
CHRISTIE - 6.5/10
The 'Resurrected Rabona' made an appearance as the shout
went out, 'stop the fancies, ya boner'. Sweet finish
after 'Back To The Future-esque' link-up with big Effe.
The YouTube highlight reel will get a nice edit tonight ...
THE YETI - N/A
A smile? After nearly scoring? One lunge might've got him
on the end of a cultured Corpus ball in. Maybe the rueful
grin was for his own surprise at a useful Corpus delivery...
MAN OF - N/A
On ye go and think about next season...
GRIFF - N/A
Like Calmac, tuning up, looking to lay the ghost of
January's Death Star anguish. But Griff's actually
looking to lay something... Somebody explain to him,
and warn Morelos; Then again, maybe don't...
JFK - 7/10
The 'Unbeaten John Fucking Kennedy' plaque is being engraved
as you read. Organisation and purposeful possession and some
eclectic outwitting of the Livi press had the game tied up by
half-time. So he did what the previous incumbent failed to do
all season and got the job done tout-suite.
Then he took off Elshag on a deuce when some people had backed
him for a hat-trick at 80/1. EIGHTY ffs.
So he'll be keeping a keen eye on the situation in case Captain
Howedy takes the coward's otpion and possesses Palace instead.
The JFK remit is surprisingly simple - enter the Ninth Circle
of Hell next week and pump the demonic transvestites 7-0.
OVERALL - 7.5/10
If there was ever a game of nothing, this was it. Sunny
day, and Livi players lay about the fucking park for the
first ten minutes taking in the scenes as my beer warmed
up and a snooze seemed a better option.
Pre-match entertainment provided by extraneous fireworks
display during the minute's silence for a racist, white
supremacist Greek sailor. Must've been some cheeky Hun
Monkeys with no sense of ocassion...
Then somebody threw a ball onto the park and we got going.
Eventually, after coping with their fiesty formation we
really got going and did what we should have done in January.
Twice.
But the milk's spilt and we now look ahead to D-Day and a
real demolition required of the Hun. We need to deliver
such a sound thrashing, a humiliating pounding, that their
entire season will be dismissed as a laughable freak event.
Can we do it? Of course; the REAL 9 in a row Celtic has to
turn up at some point in 20/21. Will we? No idea. Should we?
Damn right - these players have got more to prove to
themselves now than any of us. So, in the words of Oscar Wilde's
famous chant: - "Get intae them, fuck them up! Get intae them,
fuck them up!"
I may have paraphrased.
Go Away Now.
Sandman
Last edited:
