Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v OVIS ARIES
"Party attendance is mandatory. We do not punish
our stormtroopers for party attendance. Names were
taken for wermacht accreditation, not condemnation.
There will be many parties in the near future,
culminating in the Party party on July 12th.
Join our party. We are the (party) Peepil."
Obersturmbannführer Sturgeon
BANE - 7/10
Save, supervillain! Kept the heads from going down
early with a splendid reaction stop then turned into
Franco Baresi with the teasing guile of Ronaldinho;
a cameo which immediately made him our second-best
central midfielder.
DREXL - 6.5/10
Different hairstyles, same delivery; the Celtic
left-back saga continues as optimism is quashed at
the final ball.
Yet, some exhilarating Thelma & Louise link-up play
between the ghetto gangsta and our French air-rifle
exponent hitman had the Dons reeling.
Remained quite involved in the good and bad as he
exhibited the range of qualities that made AC Milan
want him, and then not...
AJER - 8/10 MOTM
Loves a berserker romp through the opposition middle.
Still has to add some finesse to the last decison
instead of blunderbussing the ball beyond his team-mates.
But as the predictable deterioration of the whole team
manifested, his defensive mindset dominated and he stood
tall and solid as a rock, roaring, 'None shall pass!'
like a fucking Viking boss. In Norwegian.
RAQUEL - 6.5/10
Comfortably upholstered into central defence now. (see
what I did there, fans of corny sexist euphemisms?) Had
a game categorised as 'quietly effective', which, for a
kid in this turmoil, is the precise remit.
JONJO O'NEIL - 7/10
Wouldn't you just know the full-back who possesses the
best final ball at the club, isn't ours...
More admirable consistency of product from the finest
jockey to wear the Hoops. Will he stay? Will he take
payment in cat's teeth amulets?
BROON - 7/10
Clattering around the midfield like a majestic Shire
horse with its eyes on pasture. Never fleet of foot,
but always the determined heart of Celtic. Outstanding
last-ditch captain's block midway through second period
as we were stretched to breaking; major factor in the win.
CALMAC - 6.5
I've worked it out - Corpus' constant drifting inhibits
Calmac's dictation. So he buzzed around and about play,
gilding often with his qualities, but...
Should have killed the game late-on with a moment entirely
designed for him, as he found space on the edge of the box
on his favoured left side and slapped the shot wide instead
of guiding it in; Calmac's entire season in a two-second
meme.
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 7/10
Surprisingly retained his place despite being involved
in the police investigation as to what forced Tiger Woods
off the road, after footage of his Dingwall sand wedge
circulated L.A. media, cut with Tiger's wrecked SUV, and
captioned, 'Where Did The Soccer SuperScoop Really Land?'
Unfazed - as it might get him a move to the L.A Galaxy -
Corpus added to his highlight reel, springing forward
to set up Eddy's first. Still prefers the Hollywod
pass - more evidence for Tiger - to the straightforward
option, and had room enough to try a few today.
Effective in opening play up, just not finding the
killer quality to end the contest sooner.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6/10
Still prone to fade like a butterfly when we need
a stinging bastard. Has potent feet but we either
don't find him often enough or he's not found the
rythm of the diamond formation to best maintain his
effectiveness over a full game.
Again, this could all be solved - possibly - with
my bugbear of the season - our levels of conditioning.
How you get a nonagenarian up to 90 minutes of top
level endeavour is a tough one; 80, perhaps...
KLIMALA KLIMAX - 6/10
A welcome run. Bust a nut - of course... - as he
energized the frontline. Impressive movement and
linkage - missed a great snatched chance before
later hooked mid second-half.
Testament to his contribution - look at the space
Eddy found to play in. With Paddy off, Eddy gets
swarmed.
Try him there again, JFK, let's see how a sustained
run in the side works out.
FRENCH EDDY - 7.5/10
Dazzling nuisance first-half as he roamed around
and knotted-up the Sheep defence. Scored a ripper
that will irritate the fuck out of Deek McDimmis,
as those type of winners are traditionally Hun
fodder.
Despite covid and burdened with solo quests that
would have demotivated a Hobbit, Frech Eddy remains
top scorer in the SPL with 21 goals, beyond anyone
from the rampant Huns.
When the post-mortem's done on 20/21, and the data
reviewed, the basic stats will show how we wasted a
final season of a superstar. Simply building a side
around him with a strike partner became a baffling
exercise in caution and asking him to find a way to
fit in.
He might frustrate at times but it is Celtic who
have more frustrated him.
Don't tell that to wee Soro, by the way - just enjoy
the lols at him giving Eddy pelters for not teeing
up a late tap-in...
SUBS:
ELSHAGYONLASSIE - N/A
Credit for smiling his way into another manager's
team. But he's surely the last sub to throw on when
we're talking of a rebuild?
MAN OF - N/A
Can he play in tandem with Broon? Course he can, but
try it from the start. Provided the humour of the day
by slaughtering Eddy for greed after his late wasted
slalom.
J.F.K
So John Fucking Kennedy gets the reins and Lennony
leaves exactly as he arrived all those years ago -
with a growl and the fans wondering what the fuck
he's all about.
Personally, I'd have 100% put Connie McLaughlin in
charge until June, because, y'know, 'wid'... But here
we are and the dugout gets replaced by a grassy knoll
and the support starts wondering what a 'coo de tart'
means, if not livestock that belongs to a prostitute.
Rarely has an interim manager taken over with the
odds so loaded against him, with half the fanbase
wanting Nixon put in charge and the rest fighting
up the stairwells of the nearest school book
depository.
But JFK has a remit - a wiggly bullet to avoid and
eight games to win; two of them must be 10-0 home
and away victories against the Unconscionables to
despoil their first title win.
Do that, and no arguments here. Win number one went
down in the customary manner - spells of swashbuckling
finesse almost overshadowed by faltering disarray, as
the Zapruder film will show
He's got seven more games to show his true imprint,
to reveal whether his brain is his own or been stolen.
Or whether he was just the mindless drone charged with
organising a ramshackle defence all along...
OVERALL - 7/10
Sometimes, nostalgia gets overwhelming. We're
prone to dominate without the ruthless, merciless
finishing of recent times. The spark flares often
but there's no gas in the tank to maintain a flame
to scorch the opposition.
You're thinking, if only... thinking how Celtic '17
would have tied this TEN up by Easter and we'd be
looking towards a Euro horizon with the domestic
vengeance of a generation sealed.
Instead, another stuttering win from a spell of
coruscating combinations just incites a rueful
glance at a league table best ignored.
The more we produce contrasting results and
displays like today and last Sunday, the more I
hark back to the basic negligence in conditioning
that facilitates such Jekyll and Hyde performances.
On we go, and the requirement for a miracle becomes
more the necessity for a comet to strike the earth;
not a big one, and somewhere around the Govan area....
This rambling madness is dedicated to Casey, a pal, a
character, and diehard Tim who tragically lost his life
to Covid last week.
A veteran of Stuttgart '03 and most recently the vibrant
shenanigans of Lisbon 2017 50th anniversary celebrations.
Leaves behind a young family, and the troops in abject
shock.
The ever-full goblet will stand empty now, the pub match
atmosphere will forever miss a beat of cursing jollity,
and the Huns will suffer 20% less abuse in one swipe of
the reaper's scythe.
The cruelty of the universe knows no bounds these days,
it seems.
So long and RIP little buddy. We had a ball. Hail, Hail.
Go Away Now.
Sandman. Scunnered.
"Party attendance is mandatory. We do not punish
our stormtroopers for party attendance. Names were
taken for wermacht accreditation, not condemnation.
There will be many parties in the near future,
culminating in the Party party on July 12th.
Join our party. We are the (party) Peepil."
Obersturmbannführer Sturgeon
BANE - 7/10
Save, supervillain! Kept the heads from going down
early with a splendid reaction stop then turned into
Franco Baresi with the teasing guile of Ronaldinho;
a cameo which immediately made him our second-best
central midfielder.
DREXL - 6.5/10
Different hairstyles, same delivery; the Celtic
left-back saga continues as optimism is quashed at
the final ball.
Yet, some exhilarating Thelma & Louise link-up play
between the ghetto gangsta and our French air-rifle
exponent hitman had the Dons reeling.
Remained quite involved in the good and bad as he
exhibited the range of qualities that made AC Milan
want him, and then not...
AJER - 8/10 MOTM
Loves a berserker romp through the opposition middle.
Still has to add some finesse to the last decison
instead of blunderbussing the ball beyond his team-mates.
But as the predictable deterioration of the whole team
manifested, his defensive mindset dominated and he stood
tall and solid as a rock, roaring, 'None shall pass!'
like a fucking Viking boss. In Norwegian.
RAQUEL - 6.5/10
Comfortably upholstered into central defence now. (see
what I did there, fans of corny sexist euphemisms?) Had
a game categorised as 'quietly effective', which, for a
kid in this turmoil, is the precise remit.
JONJO O'NEIL - 7/10
Wouldn't you just know the full-back who possesses the
best final ball at the club, isn't ours...
More admirable consistency of product from the finest
jockey to wear the Hoops. Will he stay? Will he take
payment in cat's teeth amulets?
BROON - 7/10
Clattering around the midfield like a majestic Shire
horse with its eyes on pasture. Never fleet of foot,
but always the determined heart of Celtic. Outstanding
last-ditch captain's block midway through second period
as we were stretched to breaking; major factor in the win.
CALMAC - 6.5
I've worked it out - Corpus' constant drifting inhibits
Calmac's dictation. So he buzzed around and about play,
gilding often with his qualities, but...
Should have killed the game late-on with a moment entirely
designed for him, as he found space on the edge of the box
on his favoured left side and slapped the shot wide instead
of guiding it in; Calmac's entire season in a two-second
meme.
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 7/10
Surprisingly retained his place despite being involved
in the police investigation as to what forced Tiger Woods
off the road, after footage of his Dingwall sand wedge
circulated L.A. media, cut with Tiger's wrecked SUV, and
captioned, 'Where Did The Soccer SuperScoop Really Land?'
Unfazed - as it might get him a move to the L.A Galaxy -
Corpus added to his highlight reel, springing forward
to set up Eddy's first. Still prefers the Hollywod
pass - more evidence for Tiger - to the straightforward
option, and had room enough to try a few today.
Effective in opening play up, just not finding the
killer quality to end the contest sooner.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6/10
Still prone to fade like a butterfly when we need
a stinging bastard. Has potent feet but we either
don't find him often enough or he's not found the
rythm of the diamond formation to best maintain his
effectiveness over a full game.
Again, this could all be solved - possibly - with
my bugbear of the season - our levels of conditioning.
How you get a nonagenarian up to 90 minutes of top
level endeavour is a tough one; 80, perhaps...
KLIMALA KLIMAX - 6/10
A welcome run. Bust a nut - of course... - as he
energized the frontline. Impressive movement and
linkage - missed a great snatched chance before
later hooked mid second-half.
Testament to his contribution - look at the space
Eddy found to play in. With Paddy off, Eddy gets
swarmed.
Try him there again, JFK, let's see how a sustained
run in the side works out.
FRENCH EDDY - 7.5/10
Dazzling nuisance first-half as he roamed around
and knotted-up the Sheep defence. Scored a ripper
that will irritate the fuck out of Deek McDimmis,
as those type of winners are traditionally Hun
fodder.
Despite covid and burdened with solo quests that
would have demotivated a Hobbit, Frech Eddy remains
top scorer in the SPL with 21 goals, beyond anyone
from the rampant Huns.
When the post-mortem's done on 20/21, and the data
reviewed, the basic stats will show how we wasted a
final season of a superstar. Simply building a side
around him with a strike partner became a baffling
exercise in caution and asking him to find a way to
fit in.
He might frustrate at times but it is Celtic who
have more frustrated him.
Don't tell that to wee Soro, by the way - just enjoy
the lols at him giving Eddy pelters for not teeing
up a late tap-in...
SUBS:
ELSHAGYONLASSIE - N/A
Credit for smiling his way into another manager's
team. But he's surely the last sub to throw on when
we're talking of a rebuild?
MAN OF - N/A
Can he play in tandem with Broon? Course he can, but
try it from the start. Provided the humour of the day
by slaughtering Eddy for greed after his late wasted
slalom.
J.F.K
So John Fucking Kennedy gets the reins and Lennony
leaves exactly as he arrived all those years ago -
with a growl and the fans wondering what the fuck
he's all about.
Personally, I'd have 100% put Connie McLaughlin in
charge until June, because, y'know, 'wid'... But here
we are and the dugout gets replaced by a grassy knoll
and the support starts wondering what a 'coo de tart'
means, if not livestock that belongs to a prostitute.
Rarely has an interim manager taken over with the
odds so loaded against him, with half the fanbase
wanting Nixon put in charge and the rest fighting
up the stairwells of the nearest school book
depository.
But JFK has a remit - a wiggly bullet to avoid and
eight games to win; two of them must be 10-0 home
and away victories against the Unconscionables to
despoil their first title win.
Do that, and no arguments here. Win number one went
down in the customary manner - spells of swashbuckling
finesse almost overshadowed by faltering disarray, as
the Zapruder film will show
He's got seven more games to show his true imprint,
to reveal whether his brain is his own or been stolen.
Or whether he was just the mindless drone charged with
organising a ramshackle defence all along...
OVERALL - 7/10
Sometimes, nostalgia gets overwhelming. We're
prone to dominate without the ruthless, merciless
finishing of recent times. The spark flares often
but there's no gas in the tank to maintain a flame
to scorch the opposition.
You're thinking, if only... thinking how Celtic '17
would have tied this TEN up by Easter and we'd be
looking towards a Euro horizon with the domestic
vengeance of a generation sealed.
Instead, another stuttering win from a spell of
coruscating combinations just incites a rueful
glance at a league table best ignored.
The more we produce contrasting results and
displays like today and last Sunday, the more I
hark back to the basic negligence in conditioning
that facilitates such Jekyll and Hyde performances.
On we go, and the requirement for a miracle becomes
more the necessity for a comet to strike the earth;
not a big one, and somewhere around the Govan area....
This rambling madness is dedicated to Casey, a pal, a
character, and diehard Tim who tragically lost his life
to Covid last week.
A veteran of Stuttgart '03 and most recently the vibrant
shenanigans of Lisbon 2017 50th anniversary celebrations.
Leaves behind a young family, and the troops in abject
shock.
The ever-full goblet will stand empty now, the pub match
atmosphere will forever miss a beat of cursing jollity,
and the Huns will suffer 20% less abuse in one swipe of
the reaper's scythe.
The cruelty of the universe knows no bounds these days,
it seems.
So long and RIP little buddy. We had a ball. Hail, Hail.
Go Away Now.
Sandman. Scunnered.
Rip Casey ynwa
