Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v QUISLINGS
“Be resolved that honor is heavier than the mountains
and death lighter than the feather.”
- Memoirs of Yasuo Kuwahara, Kamikaze pilot. A rubbish one,
evidently.
ROXIE - 7/10
Solid but little in way of stops to make. Yet, on a night
like this, that commanding presence talking the defence
through a second-half struggle was of understated importance.
TONY THE TIGER - 6.5/10
Tony the mediator. In full knowledge of Juran Juran's wishes,
he did his part with a wicked whipped cross to set up the
winner then took his bow as he limped off to have his bionic
limb attended to and freed up the RB slot.
JURAN JURAN - 6.5/10
'I want to be right-back!'
"I'm from Oz. Everything's upside down. Far as I'm concerned,
you are right-back. Now, stfu, and get out there..."
And he did. Then Santa made his Xmas wish come true half an
hour in. From then on, JJ didn't disappoint, mixing it with
the uglies and revelling in the victory.
STAR LORD - 7.5/10
How alarming. Mouth dry as his name appeared on the teamsheet.
Then comprehension as he appeared on the pitch sporting a
haircut that indicated he'd spent his recovery time watching
Peaky Blinders.
You don't fuck with the Peaky Blinders and Star Lord's taken
his unconventional English lessons seriously to the letter.
Swaggered about looking like Arthur Shelby with a hangover and
laid one on anyone getting in his way. Unexpectedly in the thick
of it as we faded second period but there he was, stalking our
box with a shotgun and cigar hanging out his mouth. Great game.
RAQUEL - 7/10
Fighting dinosaurs eventually rubs off on a prehistoric gal,
and we saw more of that new ro'bust' side to Raquel tonight.
Continuation of her recent dominant presence was comfortingly
apparent at every contested ball until injury, or a glamour-shoot
appointment, forced her off. Fingers crossed those silken thighs
are okay.
CALMAC - 8.5/10 MOTM
Back in the groove like Deadmaus at a trance gig, took total
control of the midfield first-half, prompting like a drill
Sergeant as we probed for openings.
Then, after the break, when we mysteriously fell out of things,
the other side of the skipper came to the fore and he was a
Tasmanian Devil, popping up everywhere to cover and block and
govern in a necessary fury that saved the day. Outstanding.
ROGIC - 7/10
Gliding like a surfboard across a maroon wave, more admirable
than his artist's feet was his movement. Constant drift had
their backlines shifting and pockets of space opening up.
But Oz and Eddie together means a possible lapse when energies
lag, and that's exactly what we got and Hearts capitalized upon.
However, surprisingy, it was Oz The Resurgent latterly, producing
some gifted moments and coming close to finishing off the contest.
Adds an element of divine sublimity to our attacking waves. Bhoy's
a player.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6/10
He hates the Hearts. Seeking revenge for the famous Five,
Eddie T was among them early, playing wallie off Oz and
Notebook like he did in the crumbling slums of Auld Leith
back in the day.
But his touch and weight of pass seemed a miniscule off -
maybe more used to a laced-up 50 pound leather ball than a
contemporary balloon.
Then became a bit of a nuisance to US while we toiled, unable
to pick out a teammate or make a killing blow. Frustrating
night but got out of it intact and nothing a boot up the erse
won't sort.
JAMESY - 6/10
Sticking it to Hearts is second only on his sticking-it list
to empty pint glasses, so we expected a stormer. Unfortuntely,
a sprightly start was curtailed as Jamesy scuffed an open goal
onto the post from seemingly impossible wang-length.
Then late-on as we sought to relieve the agony, he was foiled
by his old stalwart when he really should have scored. Again.
Yet his presence on the wing and kinetic bursts into the game
offer us another dimension crucial to Angeball. Suck it up and
tuck it in to go again, Sunday, Jamesy.
NOTEBOOK - 6/10
Skipped about a lot looking dangerous but, like some others,
not as totally in the moment as he's been recently. Always
lively, always looking for the chart-topping moment, but the
stadium held its breath tonight in the wrong way as he became
centre of attention for a worrisome pull. Get those Xmas lists
written now - 'Fit Jota' at the top...
MR.KOBAYASHI - 7.5/10
"Ha! Furuhashi-San fuck you up!" he screamed at the Hearts
travelling goon show. Or 'Wannabee Huns' as they're commonly
known.
Moving beyond the speed of the offside law he latched onto
Tony's zipping cut like a Zero onto a US warship at Okinawa
and inflicted lethal damage.
Just reward for the wee mhan's tireless movement and perpetual
endeavour as he jousted with Hearts' battle giants, taking
punishement without protection for the ninety.
Sayonara, Jambo thugs.
SUBS:
FIELD MARSHALL - 6.5/10
The kid done guid. A cold entry on a firey night, but he's
game for anything and was under a lot of pressure as they
played down his side continually, double-teaming him like
Jamesy and wingman on a night out. But kept his head up and
his engine burning, contested everything, and helped win
the day.
MIKEY J - 4.5/10
Ach, Mikey. Floated on, floated about, no danger of being
swallowed by a Dune sandworn as he just sand-danced around
ineffectively far too many times, often squandering good
possession.
BLOCKCHAIN - 6/10
Always reliable, so no real panic when he appeared to
replace Raquel. Added calming presence and security to
rival anything Bernard Cribbens can offer.
ANITA DOBSON - 7/10
'Sake, Ange. Had a right tete-a-tete with Dirty Den Gollum
in the hallway at the foot of the Queen Vic stairs as nerves
became fraught.
Felt like he'd made 67 substitutions by the end of it all,
must be wondering how many fit starters we'll have for
Tannadice.
Angeball was a delight first-half as we rotated more passes
to extend our lead at the top of the Wuruld Champeen Passin'
Hing Table, or something. But the top-heavy cultured approach
got sabotaged after half-time as Hearts scrapped their way
back into it.
He'll be delighted with the points and rueful at the resultant
casualties. Angeball did win out versus Robbieball, eventually,
and the Ange Hun-hunt rolls on to Beanotown.
MIBBERY - 5/10
With "Beat that, Booby!" still written in lipstick on
his lower back from 'celebrating' last night's late pen
award with sevcohort, Jangly Beaton, Bobby had a tall order
to fulfill.
It wasn't to be, though the signs crept in as 'play-on'
became a meme for anytime a Tim gets thrashed, keep it
going.
Tried his best by refusing to book a single Jambo except
manager Robbie Neilson for failing to change outfit before
rushing to Celtic Park from his day job hustling cabbages
at Paddy's Market.
OVERALL - 7/10
Phew, just... Phew. A must-win game after the witchcraft
in Junkietown last night overshadowed anything Harry Potter
encountered. Hearts came to town as Hearts always come to
town - ugly as fuck and griping about the fall of the
British Empire or something; most of their support turn up
late after taking the Bounders' Tour at Mordor pre-match to
get their 'battle-fever' up.
Was more embattled-fever as the Hoops threatened to swamp
their staunch resistance with some swashbuckling swordplay
in a first half that deserved more than a single rapier-thrust
of a goal.
But we yet again did not kill the opposition despite having
the boot on their throats for long periods of the match.
Failing energies and injury interruption faded our dynamism
and it became an disproportionate exercise in dig and guts
to see us through.
But the Bhoys got there, though not unscathed. Precious
points as we ticked one off the December slog and grit
the teeth for the next calendar window to open.
Go Away Now
Sandman.
“Be resolved that honor is heavier than the mountains
and death lighter than the feather.”
- Memoirs of Yasuo Kuwahara, Kamikaze pilot. A rubbish one,
evidently.
ROXIE - 7/10
Solid but little in way of stops to make. Yet, on a night
like this, that commanding presence talking the defence
through a second-half struggle was of understated importance.
TONY THE TIGER - 6.5/10
Tony the mediator. In full knowledge of Juran Juran's wishes,
he did his part with a wicked whipped cross to set up the
winner then took his bow as he limped off to have his bionic
limb attended to and freed up the RB slot.
JURAN JURAN - 6.5/10
'I want to be right-back!'
"I'm from Oz. Everything's upside down. Far as I'm concerned,
you are right-back. Now, stfu, and get out there..."
And he did. Then Santa made his Xmas wish come true half an
hour in. From then on, JJ didn't disappoint, mixing it with
the uglies and revelling in the victory.
STAR LORD - 7.5/10
How alarming. Mouth dry as his name appeared on the teamsheet.
Then comprehension as he appeared on the pitch sporting a
haircut that indicated he'd spent his recovery time watching
Peaky Blinders.
You don't fuck with the Peaky Blinders and Star Lord's taken
his unconventional English lessons seriously to the letter.
Swaggered about looking like Arthur Shelby with a hangover and
laid one on anyone getting in his way. Unexpectedly in the thick
of it as we faded second period but there he was, stalking our
box with a shotgun and cigar hanging out his mouth. Great game.
RAQUEL - 7/10
Fighting dinosaurs eventually rubs off on a prehistoric gal,
and we saw more of that new ro'bust' side to Raquel tonight.
Continuation of her recent dominant presence was comfortingly
apparent at every contested ball until injury, or a glamour-shoot
appointment, forced her off. Fingers crossed those silken thighs
are okay.
CALMAC - 8.5/10 MOTM
Back in the groove like Deadmaus at a trance gig, took total
control of the midfield first-half, prompting like a drill
Sergeant as we probed for openings.
Then, after the break, when we mysteriously fell out of things,
the other side of the skipper came to the fore and he was a
Tasmanian Devil, popping up everywhere to cover and block and
govern in a necessary fury that saved the day. Outstanding.
ROGIC - 7/10
Gliding like a surfboard across a maroon wave, more admirable
than his artist's feet was his movement. Constant drift had
their backlines shifting and pockets of space opening up.
But Oz and Eddie together means a possible lapse when energies
lag, and that's exactly what we got and Hearts capitalized upon.
However, surprisingy, it was Oz The Resurgent latterly, producing
some gifted moments and coming close to finishing off the contest.
Adds an element of divine sublimity to our attacking waves. Bhoy's
a player.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6/10
He hates the Hearts. Seeking revenge for the famous Five,
Eddie T was among them early, playing wallie off Oz and
Notebook like he did in the crumbling slums of Auld Leith
back in the day.
But his touch and weight of pass seemed a miniscule off -
maybe more used to a laced-up 50 pound leather ball than a
contemporary balloon.
Then became a bit of a nuisance to US while we toiled, unable
to pick out a teammate or make a killing blow. Frustrating
night but got out of it intact and nothing a boot up the erse
won't sort.
JAMESY - 6/10
Sticking it to Hearts is second only on his sticking-it list
to empty pint glasses, so we expected a stormer. Unfortuntely,
a sprightly start was curtailed as Jamesy scuffed an open goal
onto the post from seemingly impossible wang-length.
Then late-on as we sought to relieve the agony, he was foiled
by his old stalwart when he really should have scored. Again.
Yet his presence on the wing and kinetic bursts into the game
offer us another dimension crucial to Angeball. Suck it up and
tuck it in to go again, Sunday, Jamesy.
NOTEBOOK - 6/10
Skipped about a lot looking dangerous but, like some others,
not as totally in the moment as he's been recently. Always
lively, always looking for the chart-topping moment, but the
stadium held its breath tonight in the wrong way as he became
centre of attention for a worrisome pull. Get those Xmas lists
written now - 'Fit Jota' at the top...
MR.KOBAYASHI - 7.5/10
"Ha! Furuhashi-San fuck you up!" he screamed at the Hearts
travelling goon show. Or 'Wannabee Huns' as they're commonly
known.
Moving beyond the speed of the offside law he latched onto
Tony's zipping cut like a Zero onto a US warship at Okinawa
and inflicted lethal damage.
Just reward for the wee mhan's tireless movement and perpetual
endeavour as he jousted with Hearts' battle giants, taking
punishement without protection for the ninety.
Sayonara, Jambo thugs.
SUBS:
FIELD MARSHALL - 6.5/10
The kid done guid. A cold entry on a firey night, but he's
game for anything and was under a lot of pressure as they
played down his side continually, double-teaming him like
Jamesy and wingman on a night out. But kept his head up and
his engine burning, contested everything, and helped win
the day.
MIKEY J - 4.5/10
Ach, Mikey. Floated on, floated about, no danger of being
swallowed by a Dune sandworn as he just sand-danced around
ineffectively far too many times, often squandering good
possession.
BLOCKCHAIN - 6/10
Always reliable, so no real panic when he appeared to
replace Raquel. Added calming presence and security to
rival anything Bernard Cribbens can offer.
ANITA DOBSON - 7/10
'Sake, Ange. Had a right tete-a-tete with Dirty Den Gollum
in the hallway at the foot of the Queen Vic stairs as nerves
became fraught.
Felt like he'd made 67 substitutions by the end of it all,
must be wondering how many fit starters we'll have for
Tannadice.
Angeball was a delight first-half as we rotated more passes
to extend our lead at the top of the Wuruld Champeen Passin'
Hing Table, or something. But the top-heavy cultured approach
got sabotaged after half-time as Hearts scrapped their way
back into it.
He'll be delighted with the points and rueful at the resultant
casualties. Angeball did win out versus Robbieball, eventually,
and the Ange Hun-hunt rolls on to Beanotown.
MIBBERY - 5/10
With "Beat that, Booby!" still written in lipstick on
his lower back from 'celebrating' last night's late pen
award with sevcohort, Jangly Beaton, Bobby had a tall order
to fulfill.
It wasn't to be, though the signs crept in as 'play-on'
became a meme for anytime a Tim gets thrashed, keep it
going.
Tried his best by refusing to book a single Jambo except
manager Robbie Neilson for failing to change outfit before
rushing to Celtic Park from his day job hustling cabbages
at Paddy's Market.
OVERALL - 7/10
Phew, just... Phew. A must-win game after the witchcraft
in Junkietown last night overshadowed anything Harry Potter
encountered. Hearts came to town as Hearts always come to
town - ugly as fuck and griping about the fall of the
British Empire or something; most of their support turn up
late after taking the Bounders' Tour at Mordor pre-match to
get their 'battle-fever' up.
Was more embattled-fever as the Hoops threatened to swamp
their staunch resistance with some swashbuckling swordplay
in a first half that deserved more than a single rapier-thrust
of a goal.
But we yet again did not kill the opposition despite having
the boot on their throats for long periods of the match.
Failing energies and injury interruption faded our dynamism
and it became an disproportionate exercise in dig and guts
to see us through.
But the Bhoys got there, though not unscathed. Precious
points as we ticked one off the December slog and grit
the teeth for the next calendar window to open.
Go Away Now
Sandman.
