Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v REPLICANTS:
"I'm intelligent. Very. I mean, I've got a trimmed fashion-victim beard and wear glasses.
And I pump Ann Budge occasionally. What's not intelligent about that? Pumping yer boss -
intelligent move by an intelligent man, I'd say. What's Michael Stewart got to say about
that, eh? Doubt he's got the intelligence to understand my intelligence."
C.W.Levein, intelligentest man in Scottish fitba'..
"Sad fenian bastard? Happy enough to pump yous six-meaningless-games-in-a-row shitebags.'
Steve Clarke.
"Mutie The Mutant for sale. Colombian drug mule, 10lb of anal storage, a fizzog to make
any customs officer wince and wave through. Habit of lashing out when mildly provoked,
attracts the colour red.
Enquiries: Edmiston Drive, Glasgow. Starting bid: 1 pinata full of laundered SA Rand."
Ebay listing, 5.00pm GMT.
Battle of the understudies:
BANE - 6/10
Gotcha! Some sloppy moments in recent games culminated
in the mask almost slipping - supervillainous keeper
underestimating the pace of the striker over his shoulder.
Criminal negligence. But he is is a criminal anyway, no?
OUR Bat-funking criminal. He will learn, He will overcome.
Next season, we expect perfection.
RALSTON - 6/10
Rough, tough and the natural replacement for Micka. The Bhoy
Who Told Neymar To Fuck Off was at his rampaging best down
the right but fruitless in his final ball. He will, however
form the future of our defence. Along with...
AJER - 8/10
Grand, imperious, uncompromising. Built like a Norwegian
tundra outhouse, this polar bear-eating titan consumed the
Minis forward line and almost got his name on the scoresheet.
He is the future.
BENNY K - 7/10
Glad to see he survived the Taking Of Pelham 123 and assisted
Kojak in nailing corrupt Nick Ferro. He's so composed and a
natural fit.
If horrible traitorous narrcicist Rodgers wants to begin to
eek back favour with Celtic he'll loan that bhoy to us for
another season. Or sell him to us for less than 5 million, because
the lad's quality.
TOEJAM - 6/10
Thank you, and Auf Wiedersehen Pet. I don't know what it is about
him, but he's just too nice to play for the Hoops.
He'll give you a shift but no real committment. He represents
- to me - modern-day young players who look after themselves
first and foremeost and will never lay their bodies on the line
for the cause. Would never do for the coming storm.
BITTON - 6.5/10
Big Nir. Big conundrum. Despite his lanky appearance the big guy's
a ringer for Tyler Durden in combat mode with his top off. He's
also got guile and fine passing ability to compliment his steel.
I like him. I think he's worth keeping, and would play a major
part in taking the next two titles. He's cover at centre-back
and defensive mid - Broony won't make every game.
Far as this Tim's concerned, we hold him hostage.
SAM JACKSON - 7/10
Muth-u-f... Moussa in the stand tempting this muthufucka
toward a Lyon move, but the French movie-superstar-doppleganger
trusted with the midfield, let nobody down. Regulated the tempo,
kept the muthufuckin' head - got Honeybunny to calm the muthufuck
down and saw us to another win.
HENDERSON - 6.5/10
The 'Brothers'... Disguise fooled them all after a few months hiatus,
and Liam grifted into the team as 'Ewan' - sporting a spectacular
arse-end coo's-lick - and displayed some lovely footwork.
Another young keeper of a player if he can get away with it.
MIKEY J - 8.5/10 MOTM
Easy pick for the young bhoy to take the match as his own.
Great move and finish for the first, sublime feet to open the
space for his second.
He suffered at Mordor twice - thrown into the bear-pit with no
experienced players showing up to help. Hung out to dry.
Shockingly exposed. Test of a real player is to shrug that off and
come back and show your worth; consider that a distinct possibility.
SINCY 6.5/10
Captain! Captain Marvel? Captain Sonic was unbelievably left
out the loop most of the game as we concentrated play down the
right.
But he's a player to utilise for the nine - quality that needs
to regain his yard of extra pace to give those dancing feet the
milliseconds they need to inflict damage.
BURKE 3/10
The big jersey-thief panned out the way I feared- a useful lump
of a bhoy ONLY when he's firing on all cylinders. His physique
may be EPL, but his touch is lower SPL.
14 million quid WBA spunked on him; like paying a thousand quid
a night for an exotic hooker only to get Gok Wan delivered to
you room.
Buy? 3 mill or less. Otherwise pass.
SUBS:
KARAOKE! - 8/10
Da-DAAAAAA! Straight out of X-men Academy and he didn't disappoint
- appearing at half-time like a Sam Jackson pop-figurine, the tiny
tempest lit up the day with his utter devilment.
I've adopted him already!
He's a wee gem with the gallus attitude to take on any SPL cloggers.
Broony will protect this kid like Rick Grimes heid-stabbing zombies.
Ant-Man in a hooped shirt, the kid went for it- three strikes
at goal and a survived assassination attempt in his first
fifteen minutes.
Magic wee character - thought he was a certaintly to take the
free-kick Sincy sclaffed into the wall; look on his face defying
any muthufucka to try take it off him.
The force is in him. He is the future of the Rebels.
CALMAC - N/A
Came on for the useful Henderson 'twin' and immediately ran over
to the right side where wee Karaoke made him look unusually massive.
Lingered there for ten minutes until people started referring to him
as 'big man' for the first time in his days, then enjoyed the celebrations
he played a major part in achieving.
JOZO- N/A
Subbed on for his 'wee brother' and didn't even get time to smash a
Mini-Hun with a forearm. Looked frustrated about that. Good.
LENNY - 8/10
Walk in the park dress rehersal, kudos for not being feart to let the
wee dynamo loose and entertain an enrapt stadium. Note, Lennon haters -
NO fear of playing the kids. NO fear of soiling a managerial record
for the want of developing talent. Unlike recent incumbents...
More poignant than your glam-tinted specs will allow to to see.
Anyway, EIGHT in a row lifted, ONE defeat along the way for the
special-team managerial appointment - a ONE defeat in a nothing
rubber game against NO-MARK bottle-merchants who couldn't perform
when the chips were down; Lennon's team did - that's why the title
was won with a 9-point gap after taking over at 8 from the charlatan.
Next week is his cup final. See what I did there, obvious actual factual
metaphorical non-metaphor fans?
OVERALL - 8/10
EIGHT.
A competent performance with all the right moves happening - all the
kids shining and delivering hope to a season-weary crowd.
We won with no real verve but with an enjoyable effort by a makeshift
team Rodgers would never have dreamed of playing - see above re:
managerial record insecurities.
EIGHT. This day the latest inception of a memorable moment in time
replicated since 2012. Long may it continue?
Only by the deeds on the park and the architect of our grand scheme in
the dugout will these afternoons continue to repeat.
How that is managed for the next two seasons is Celtic's greatest challenge
and potentially greatest achievement.
For now, for this moment, we celebrate - tumultuous season 2018/19, and those
sealed with the crest of champions past.
Magic Days.
More to come.
"I'm intelligent. Very. I mean, I've got a trimmed fashion-victim beard and wear glasses.
And I pump Ann Budge occasionally. What's not intelligent about that? Pumping yer boss -
intelligent move by an intelligent man, I'd say. What's Michael Stewart got to say about
that, eh? Doubt he's got the intelligence to understand my intelligence."
C.W.Levein, intelligentest man in Scottish fitba'..
"Sad fenian bastard? Happy enough to pump yous six-meaningless-games-in-a-row shitebags.'
Steve Clarke.
"Mutie The Mutant for sale. Colombian drug mule, 10lb of anal storage, a fizzog to make
any customs officer wince and wave through. Habit of lashing out when mildly provoked,
attracts the colour red.
Enquiries: Edmiston Drive, Glasgow. Starting bid: 1 pinata full of laundered SA Rand."
Ebay listing, 5.00pm GMT.
Battle of the understudies:
BANE - 6/10
Gotcha! Some sloppy moments in recent games culminated
in the mask almost slipping - supervillainous keeper
underestimating the pace of the striker over his shoulder.
Criminal negligence. But he is is a criminal anyway, no?
OUR Bat-funking criminal. He will learn, He will overcome.
Next season, we expect perfection.
RALSTON - 6/10
Rough, tough and the natural replacement for Micka. The Bhoy
Who Told Neymar To Fuck Off was at his rampaging best down
the right but fruitless in his final ball. He will, however
form the future of our defence. Along with...
AJER - 8/10
Grand, imperious, uncompromising. Built like a Norwegian
tundra outhouse, this polar bear-eating titan consumed the
Minis forward line and almost got his name on the scoresheet.
He is the future.
BENNY K - 7/10
Glad to see he survived the Taking Of Pelham 123 and assisted
Kojak in nailing corrupt Nick Ferro. He's so composed and a
natural fit.
If horrible traitorous narrcicist Rodgers wants to begin to
eek back favour with Celtic he'll loan that bhoy to us for
another season. Or sell him to us for less than 5 million, because
the lad's quality.
TOEJAM - 6/10
Thank you, and Auf Wiedersehen Pet. I don't know what it is about
him, but he's just too nice to play for the Hoops.
He'll give you a shift but no real committment. He represents
- to me - modern-day young players who look after themselves
first and foremeost and will never lay their bodies on the line
for the cause. Would never do for the coming storm.
BITTON - 6.5/10
Big Nir. Big conundrum. Despite his lanky appearance the big guy's
a ringer for Tyler Durden in combat mode with his top off. He's
also got guile and fine passing ability to compliment his steel.
I like him. I think he's worth keeping, and would play a major
part in taking the next two titles. He's cover at centre-back
and defensive mid - Broony won't make every game.
Far as this Tim's concerned, we hold him hostage.
SAM JACKSON - 7/10
Muth-u-f... Moussa in the stand tempting this muthufucka
toward a Lyon move, but the French movie-superstar-doppleganger
trusted with the midfield, let nobody down. Regulated the tempo,
kept the muthufuckin' head - got Honeybunny to calm the muthufuck
down and saw us to another win.
HENDERSON - 6.5/10
The 'Brothers'... Disguise fooled them all after a few months hiatus,
and Liam grifted into the team as 'Ewan' - sporting a spectacular
arse-end coo's-lick - and displayed some lovely footwork.
Another young keeper of a player if he can get away with it.
MIKEY J - 8.5/10 MOTM
Easy pick for the young bhoy to take the match as his own.
Great move and finish for the first, sublime feet to open the
space for his second.
He suffered at Mordor twice - thrown into the bear-pit with no
experienced players showing up to help. Hung out to dry.
Shockingly exposed. Test of a real player is to shrug that off and
come back and show your worth; consider that a distinct possibility.
SINCY 6.5/10
Captain! Captain Marvel? Captain Sonic was unbelievably left
out the loop most of the game as we concentrated play down the
right.
But he's a player to utilise for the nine - quality that needs
to regain his yard of extra pace to give those dancing feet the
milliseconds they need to inflict damage.
BURKE 3/10
The big jersey-thief panned out the way I feared- a useful lump
of a bhoy ONLY when he's firing on all cylinders. His physique
may be EPL, but his touch is lower SPL.
14 million quid WBA spunked on him; like paying a thousand quid
a night for an exotic hooker only to get Gok Wan delivered to
you room.
Buy? 3 mill or less. Otherwise pass.
SUBS:
KARAOKE! - 8/10
Da-DAAAAAA! Straight out of X-men Academy and he didn't disappoint
- appearing at half-time like a Sam Jackson pop-figurine, the tiny
tempest lit up the day with his utter devilment.
I've adopted him already!
He's a wee gem with the gallus attitude to take on any SPL cloggers.
Broony will protect this kid like Rick Grimes heid-stabbing zombies.
Ant-Man in a hooped shirt, the kid went for it- three strikes
at goal and a survived assassination attempt in his first
fifteen minutes.
Magic wee character - thought he was a certaintly to take the
free-kick Sincy sclaffed into the wall; look on his face defying
any muthufucka to try take it off him.
The force is in him. He is the future of the Rebels.
CALMAC - N/A
Came on for the useful Henderson 'twin' and immediately ran over
to the right side where wee Karaoke made him look unusually massive.
Lingered there for ten minutes until people started referring to him
as 'big man' for the first time in his days, then enjoyed the celebrations
he played a major part in achieving.
JOZO- N/A
Subbed on for his 'wee brother' and didn't even get time to smash a
Mini-Hun with a forearm. Looked frustrated about that. Good.
LENNY - 8/10
Walk in the park dress rehersal, kudos for not being feart to let the
wee dynamo loose and entertain an enrapt stadium. Note, Lennon haters -
NO fear of playing the kids. NO fear of soiling a managerial record
for the want of developing talent. Unlike recent incumbents...
More poignant than your glam-tinted specs will allow to to see.
Anyway, EIGHT in a row lifted, ONE defeat along the way for the
special-team managerial appointment - a ONE defeat in a nothing
rubber game against NO-MARK bottle-merchants who couldn't perform
when the chips were down; Lennon's team did - that's why the title
was won with a 9-point gap after taking over at 8 from the charlatan.
Next week is his cup final. See what I did there, obvious actual factual
metaphorical non-metaphor fans?
OVERALL - 8/10
EIGHT.
A competent performance with all the right moves happening - all the
kids shining and delivering hope to a season-weary crowd.
We won with no real verve but with an enjoyable effort by a makeshift
team Rodgers would never have dreamed of playing - see above re:
managerial record insecurities.
EIGHT. This day the latest inception of a memorable moment in time
replicated since 2012. Long may it continue?
Only by the deeds on the park and the architect of our grand scheme in
the dugout will these afternoons continue to repeat.
How that is managed for the next two seasons is Celtic's greatest challenge
and potentially greatest achievement.
For now, for this moment, we celebrate - tumultuous season 2018/19, and those
sealed with the crest of champions past.
Magic Days.
More to come.
