Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v SCHUTZSTAFFEL NAZIO
"Each and every man under my command owes me one hundred Nazi scalps.
And I want my scalps. And all y'all will git me one hundred Nazi scalps,
taken from the heads of one hundred dead Nazis. Or you will die tryin'"
Scott Brown. aka Lt. Aldo 'The Apache' Raine.
"It is a little-known fact that Benito Mussolini, 'Il Duce', liked to be hog-tied wearing
nothing but a ballet tutu and get mounted by his favourite show-pony."
Sandman Book Of Alternative Universe Probably True FACTs.
Translation for the benefit of the Nazio Ultras:
'È un FATTO poco noto che a Benito MUSSOLINI, 'Il Duce', piaceva essere legato
con il maialenient'altro che un TUTU di balletto e fatti montare dal suo SHOW-PONY
preferito.'
THE WALL - 8.5/10
"The Wall, the Wall, the Wall saves the ball!" And the big mhan
delivered on his work-in-progress lyrics with that STUNNER at
the death - a save anticipated as the ball broke into the air
at the edge of the box.
Previously, an equally special, if less spectacular stop with
his left leg to delete any culpability at their first.
Magnificent bastard.
HAT ATTACK - 7/10
The Bear Jew! Coshed a few of their Nazi collaborators and
took no prisoners. Very competent first half especially - he's
an all-round quality pro who can handle many levels of quality
with an air of cool. Involved in most skirmishes - including
the regular collapse of their huge bruising five-year-old girl
Cameo lookalike who excelled in greetin' his big fucking face
off every time Hat got within five yards.
AJER - 7.5/10
The Vikings could never understand why the fascists ran away,
and big Ironside got his own first-hand experience this evening as
Nazio's finest snowflakes were blown asunder by the Norse Ghod.
Tamed his own habitual lunging to act as stalwart to Big Jullien's
ball-winning exploits. Focussed, sharp and not a little demented.
Born winner.
JULLIEN CLARY - 8.5/10
Big beautiful agonising bastard. Please refer to Saturday ratings
where I expressed a regular betting fetish for backing a headed
goal by the big mincer. I avoided that bet again tonight and
the footballing Gohds had me on my knees in a moment of
exqusite jhoy and anguish as he delivered.
Say no to betting kids... No don't - Say no to changing your wager,
kids.
The big guy in his best Virgil van Dijk impersonation to date.
Won everything. As Nazio impressed with their defensive layers,
anything they threw at us was absorbed and rejected by his dominating
presence. And some of his distribution - top-drawer long balls switching
play. He's Quality.
BOLIWOOD - 6/10
Was well on his side as he roved superbly most of the first half, finding space,
providing excellent cover, then...
Well, then he failed to match his direct opponent's run from deep as Lazio
broke. And Lazio scored. And that's the difference at this level - you got to
be on it like a Beetle bonnet, bro. He was well astray and repeated the lapse
a couple of times second-half but escaped. I'm always balancing out the
positives and negatives in his favour, but this evening it must be acknowledged
his negative was game-losing, and eclipsing.
BROON - 9/10 MOTM
Leading our Inglorious Basterds in their Nazi hunt. And WINNING.
While Corpus hesitated, while Calmac laboured, there was ONE constant in
our midfield to keep us ticking over and keep us in with a shout. His level of
performance never faded in the face of a very competent Serie A engine room.
It was an extraordinary display by our often-maligned skipper who turned their
surging wave of dominance as it approached tsunami proportions and led his
team of stoical fighters to ultimate victory.
He hardly put a foot wrong or failed to get a crucial decision right. His experience,
his 'ken', was the foundation and launchpad of the comeback.
Against a club so mired in the concept of empire, the irony was that Broon was
THE empirical force on the field. "No pasarán!"
CALMAC - 7/10
They hated Pirlo, so we threw our Podgy Pirlo at them; The bamboozle worked!
He found his space and after a first-half of struggle, eventually worked his
quality into proceedings - it was enough to have their midfield on the back-foot
and allow Corpus to get forward. An evening of crucial interventions for him,
allied with his indefatigability meant he was a thorn in their side every time
he found space and a pass.
FORREST - 6.5/10
Jamesy Rome-d about. Yet his spark was quelled by constant attention. He attempted
many distractions but they're mostly Italian so a quick boaby-flash was basically
more to be admired than cause consternation; 'Damn those swarthy lotharios,' cursed
Jamesy as he wished for the Scottish ease of shock an empty glass can proffer wih
its many possibilities.
We expected more but he got unlucky many a time with the break of the ball. However,
still requried them to double-up to quell his threat. Next time, Flash, next time.
CHRISTIE - 8.5/10
Corpus has risen! After a first-half peppered with indecision - caught napping on
the edge of their box twice, fouled without punishment once and hit the post with
a cruise missile, the Son of Man was divinely rewarded as a weirdly-saveable clip
shot found the back of the net just as we were all forming cliches of resignation,
re-igniting the night.
We should have known - the Bhoy The Snake Forgot (and nearly punted for a steal)
is our Six Million Dollar Man (see what I did there Steve Austin fans? Yeah- the
removable arm and leg glassy bits and the eyes...). He's a force to be reckoned with
and wore Nazio down with relentless bursts into dangerous areas - eventually
leading to the space he had to score. And finally he nailed the delivery from the
winning corner. We have a star. A bright Morning Star.
ELSHAGYONLASSIE - 5.5/10
Go Mo, go! And... Well, no. Looked the part early, attempted to slalom his way into
Celtic history. And failed. Too often got his layoffs or final ball wrong and we
stuttered to break them down. No doubt he's a player, but looked off the pace
tonight when faced with cynical, aggressive defending.
FRENCH EDDY - 7.5/10
French press have taken to calling him 'The Killer', 'Le Tueur'. Which means he's
worth about half of the Colombian drug mule across the city they call 'Le petit gras
chatte'.
Undaunted, he ran a wonderful Han Solo game tonight, tireless in his pursuit along
their drilled backline which resulted in much ado about nothing, mostly, yet ultimately
bore fruit in a jaded defence failing to properly mark that final corner.
Thwarted by insanely good defending but still emerged as a potent threat they will
be very mindful of in a fortnight.
SUBS:
BITTON - N/A
Ah, The Bear Jew 2 strode on with determined purpose to shut out their late rally;
was a welcome sight. How's that working out for you, Nazis?
HAYES - N/A
Time-hopping wunderkind dropped in from WW2 to make sure the neo-Huns choked on
their sieg-heils and won't be thinking of big Eva Braun while they jerk their way back to
their Roman purist slums. No, they'll be visualising JOHNNY!
ROGIC - N/A
Eyyy, big Oz ambled on once again to try and have some impact. And to his credit he was on
the park when we won it but he still looks a good few games off the pace for making any telling
impact on contests like these. Yet class tells and would we be surprised if he's a big player
come Sunday?
LENNONY - 9/10
He loves an Italian on a Thursday evening. He played Mastechef and cooked up a risotto of
bewilderment for these visiting Sons of Mussolini. Down and frustrated at half-time, we MUST
give credit to his mental fortitude as his side turned a tie on the-opponents-most-unlikely-
to-have-a-tie-turned-upon-them.
Wonderful man-management can only be assumed to get a team over their self-doubt and back at
their sophisticat opponents. He had us both direct and measured; the players will thrive on
this relative freedom around the tactical framework. It looks like they are, and proving so in
the most testing of environments.
Don't be fooled - that 'Lennony' so contentious in Scottish society, so derided by the chattering
classes, has pulled off three fine results against three fine European opponents. Who's the boss,
motherfuckers, who's the boss now?
OVERALL - 9/10
A comeback in Europe. Against Nazio of Serie A. How lightly will the SMSM try to take that?
How indicative of our progress was it? No fucking idea right now (7 beers in...). But it WAS a
glamorous memorable rollocking victory in the finest of senses agianst the vilest of opposing
supports.
Oswald Mosely, Gazza, Hitler, Mussolini, Franco, daft wee Nazio Ultras, the Billy Boys, Onion Bears,
Daleks, the Windsors, Baron Greenback, Darth Vader and the SS - your boys took a pumping at
Celtic Park, home of the free, club of the real people.
This Celtic side has developed a Euro-spine that gives us an air of menace whoever we play.
The only lapse this season was, ironically, at home in a game we looked like going on to win
handsomely. The group looked a testing draw but there's a sense of belief about the side
that gives the impression of fortification beneath what we as fans witness - like the players can
source another level to tough it out or pull off fantastic comebacks like tonight.
So... This Euro fun is but tinsel. The tree remains constituted of the solid NINE we pursue. That is
the prize but games like tonight are a fine meter of Celtic's general health. We forgo that
champion focus on certain occasions - Livingston, ffs - yet if we can apply it 95% of the time we'll
have the title sorted and a Euro-run on the horizon by January.
Tonight the Roman Empire got their baws on a silver platter, come Sunday it's the big one - for us
and the NINE - as we take on the Empire Of The Sheep. More of the same, please Bhoys.
Nazio management. Not. Fucking. Happy:
Hail Hail! Not heil, heil.
Sandman.
"Each and every man under my command owes me one hundred Nazi scalps.
And I want my scalps. And all y'all will git me one hundred Nazi scalps,
taken from the heads of one hundred dead Nazis. Or you will die tryin'"
Scott Brown. aka Lt. Aldo 'The Apache' Raine.
"It is a little-known fact that Benito Mussolini, 'Il Duce', liked to be hog-tied wearing
nothing but a ballet tutu and get mounted by his favourite show-pony."
Sandman Book Of Alternative Universe Probably True FACTs.
Translation for the benefit of the Nazio Ultras:
'È un FATTO poco noto che a Benito MUSSOLINI, 'Il Duce', piaceva essere legato
con il maialenient'altro che un TUTU di balletto e fatti montare dal suo SHOW-PONY
preferito.'
THE WALL - 8.5/10
"The Wall, the Wall, the Wall saves the ball!" And the big mhan
delivered on his work-in-progress lyrics with that STUNNER at
the death - a save anticipated as the ball broke into the air
at the edge of the box.
Previously, an equally special, if less spectacular stop with
his left leg to delete any culpability at their first.
Magnificent bastard.
HAT ATTACK - 7/10
The Bear Jew! Coshed a few of their Nazi collaborators and
took no prisoners. Very competent first half especially - he's
an all-round quality pro who can handle many levels of quality
with an air of cool. Involved in most skirmishes - including
the regular collapse of their huge bruising five-year-old girl
Cameo lookalike who excelled in greetin' his big fucking face
off every time Hat got within five yards.
AJER - 7.5/10
The Vikings could never understand why the fascists ran away,
and big Ironside got his own first-hand experience this evening as
Nazio's finest snowflakes were blown asunder by the Norse Ghod.
Tamed his own habitual lunging to act as stalwart to Big Jullien's
ball-winning exploits. Focussed, sharp and not a little demented.
Born winner.
JULLIEN CLARY - 8.5/10
Big beautiful agonising bastard. Please refer to Saturday ratings
where I expressed a regular betting fetish for backing a headed
goal by the big mincer. I avoided that bet again tonight and
the footballing Gohds had me on my knees in a moment of
exqusite jhoy and anguish as he delivered.
Say no to betting kids... No don't - Say no to changing your wager,
kids.
The big guy in his best Virgil van Dijk impersonation to date.
Won everything. As Nazio impressed with their defensive layers,
anything they threw at us was absorbed and rejected by his dominating
presence. And some of his distribution - top-drawer long balls switching
play. He's Quality.
BOLIWOOD - 6/10
Was well on his side as he roved superbly most of the first half, finding space,
providing excellent cover, then...
Well, then he failed to match his direct opponent's run from deep as Lazio
broke. And Lazio scored. And that's the difference at this level - you got to
be on it like a Beetle bonnet, bro. He was well astray and repeated the lapse
a couple of times second-half but escaped. I'm always balancing out the
positives and negatives in his favour, but this evening it must be acknowledged
his negative was game-losing, and eclipsing.
BROON - 9/10 MOTM
Leading our Inglorious Basterds in their Nazi hunt. And WINNING.
While Corpus hesitated, while Calmac laboured, there was ONE constant in
our midfield to keep us ticking over and keep us in with a shout. His level of
performance never faded in the face of a very competent Serie A engine room.
It was an extraordinary display by our often-maligned skipper who turned their
surging wave of dominance as it approached tsunami proportions and led his
team of stoical fighters to ultimate victory.
He hardly put a foot wrong or failed to get a crucial decision right. His experience,
his 'ken', was the foundation and launchpad of the comeback.
Against a club so mired in the concept of empire, the irony was that Broon was
THE empirical force on the field. "No pasarán!"
CALMAC - 7/10
They hated Pirlo, so we threw our Podgy Pirlo at them; The bamboozle worked!
He found his space and after a first-half of struggle, eventually worked his
quality into proceedings - it was enough to have their midfield on the back-foot
and allow Corpus to get forward. An evening of crucial interventions for him,
allied with his indefatigability meant he was a thorn in their side every time
he found space and a pass.
FORREST - 6.5/10
Jamesy Rome-d about. Yet his spark was quelled by constant attention. He attempted
many distractions but they're mostly Italian so a quick boaby-flash was basically
more to be admired than cause consternation; 'Damn those swarthy lotharios,' cursed
Jamesy as he wished for the Scottish ease of shock an empty glass can proffer wih
its many possibilities.
We expected more but he got unlucky many a time with the break of the ball. However,
still requried them to double-up to quell his threat. Next time, Flash, next time.
CHRISTIE - 8.5/10
Corpus has risen! After a first-half peppered with indecision - caught napping on
the edge of their box twice, fouled without punishment once and hit the post with
a cruise missile, the Son of Man was divinely rewarded as a weirdly-saveable clip
shot found the back of the net just as we were all forming cliches of resignation,
re-igniting the night.
We should have known - the Bhoy The Snake Forgot (and nearly punted for a steal)
is our Six Million Dollar Man (see what I did there Steve Austin fans? Yeah- the
removable arm and leg glassy bits and the eyes...). He's a force to be reckoned with
and wore Nazio down with relentless bursts into dangerous areas - eventually
leading to the space he had to score. And finally he nailed the delivery from the
winning corner. We have a star. A bright Morning Star.
ELSHAGYONLASSIE - 5.5/10
Go Mo, go! And... Well, no. Looked the part early, attempted to slalom his way into
Celtic history. And failed. Too often got his layoffs or final ball wrong and we
stuttered to break them down. No doubt he's a player, but looked off the pace
tonight when faced with cynical, aggressive defending.
FRENCH EDDY - 7.5/10
French press have taken to calling him 'The Killer', 'Le Tueur'. Which means he's
worth about half of the Colombian drug mule across the city they call 'Le petit gras
chatte'.
Undaunted, he ran a wonderful Han Solo game tonight, tireless in his pursuit along
their drilled backline which resulted in much ado about nothing, mostly, yet ultimately
bore fruit in a jaded defence failing to properly mark that final corner.
Thwarted by insanely good defending but still emerged as a potent threat they will
be very mindful of in a fortnight.
SUBS:
BITTON - N/A
Ah, The Bear Jew 2 strode on with determined purpose to shut out their late rally;
was a welcome sight. How's that working out for you, Nazis?
HAYES - N/A
Time-hopping wunderkind dropped in from WW2 to make sure the neo-Huns choked on
their sieg-heils and won't be thinking of big Eva Braun while they jerk their way back to
their Roman purist slums. No, they'll be visualising JOHNNY!
ROGIC - N/A
Eyyy, big Oz ambled on once again to try and have some impact. And to his credit he was on
the park when we won it but he still looks a good few games off the pace for making any telling
impact on contests like these. Yet class tells and would we be surprised if he's a big player
come Sunday?
LENNONY - 9/10
He loves an Italian on a Thursday evening. He played Mastechef and cooked up a risotto of
bewilderment for these visiting Sons of Mussolini. Down and frustrated at half-time, we MUST
give credit to his mental fortitude as his side turned a tie on the-opponents-most-unlikely-
to-have-a-tie-turned-upon-them.
Wonderful man-management can only be assumed to get a team over their self-doubt and back at
their sophisticat opponents. He had us both direct and measured; the players will thrive on
this relative freedom around the tactical framework. It looks like they are, and proving so in
the most testing of environments.
Don't be fooled - that 'Lennony' so contentious in Scottish society, so derided by the chattering
classes, has pulled off three fine results against three fine European opponents. Who's the boss,
motherfuckers, who's the boss now?
OVERALL - 9/10
A comeback in Europe. Against Nazio of Serie A. How lightly will the SMSM try to take that?
How indicative of our progress was it? No fucking idea right now (7 beers in...). But it WAS a
glamorous memorable rollocking victory in the finest of senses agianst the vilest of opposing
supports.
Oswald Mosely, Gazza, Hitler, Mussolini, Franco, daft wee Nazio Ultras, the Billy Boys, Onion Bears,
Daleks, the Windsors, Baron Greenback, Darth Vader and the SS - your boys took a pumping at
Celtic Park, home of the free, club of the real people.
This Celtic side has developed a Euro-spine that gives us an air of menace whoever we play.
The only lapse this season was, ironically, at home in a game we looked like going on to win
handsomely. The group looked a testing draw but there's a sense of belief about the side
that gives the impression of fortification beneath what we as fans witness - like the players can
source another level to tough it out or pull off fantastic comebacks like tonight.
So... This Euro fun is but tinsel. The tree remains constituted of the solid NINE we pursue. That is
the prize but games like tonight are a fine meter of Celtic's general health. We forgo that
champion focus on certain occasions - Livingston, ffs - yet if we can apply it 95% of the time we'll
have the title sorted and a Euro-run on the horizon by January.
Tonight the Roman Empire got their baws on a silver platter, come Sunday it's the big one - for us
and the NINE - as we take on the Empire Of The Sheep. More of the same, please Bhoys.
Nazio management. Not. Fucking. Happy:
Hail Hail! Not heil, heil.
Sandman.
Last edited:
- it definitely wasn't a doll 
- as well. It also had stickers of wiring if you wanted to customise the bionic bits. Class.
