Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v SHAUN THE SHEEP'S XI - Scottish Cup Semi
"Aye, Ah reacted tae the Fenians' singin'. Ah'll haud ma hauns up on that wan.
But Ah'm no' acceptin' what they wis singin' aboot me - dae Ah fuck look like
Charlie Manson..."
Derek McInness
"I'm making a comeback. My next opponent in the UFC cage will be Aberdeen.
All of them."
Conor McGregor
"Yeah, I wore a red top for my last round - for luck : I knew it stood a pretty
good chance of disappearing under a winning green jacket after watching the soccer..."
Tiger Woods
BANE - 8/10
Spent the second-half in with the Green Brigade starting chants about
Batman to bemused looks of camo-green cagoules all around him.
May have been instrumental in the singing about the colorful racist supremacist
leanings of Aberdeen manager but we'll wait and see if the SFA goons cite him
for not acting in the best interests of institutionalised Scottish bigotry.
Had nothing else to to but play a few passes and look cool.
LUSTIG - 8/10
Whiny anti-Micks will continue to be whiny anti-Micks - there was one in the pub
across from me who obviously played better at full-back for Celtic and Sweden -
and Mick will continue to turn up and bring experience, mentalism, and class to
the Hoops. Another winners performance from a born WINNER.
Fail to secure him for another year and we fail to secure indispensible experience
for big games. i.e CL qualifiers, 'soccer purists'.
KT - 8/10
First time in a long time the superhero's looked 100% on it - some great wing play
and tough as nails to parry attacks from the crofting Yakuza. Bhoy's got the scent
of another treble.
AJER - 7.5/10
Majestic, striding colossus from biblical mythology. Our very own Nephilim looked
ready for combat from the start and combated the Aberdonian Game-Of-Thrones-
Retarded-War-Giant Cosgrove well.
Less impactful in second 45 due to lack of opponents left on park.
JOZO - 8/10
Big mhan, really? Fiver on him to score anytime at 12/1 and he ends up with more
chances than French Eddy. Great surge forward and shot brilliantly saved, then misses
and open goal from resultant corner. Two scremaing efforts second-half, one a very
unlucky hitchkick. Aye, cursed him.
All-round, never missed a tackle and got to show his footballing ability. Great shift.
Keep him tuned.
BROON - 8/10
Looked almost lost at times due to the absence of perennial STDs Shinnie and Logan.
Announced his arrival with a fifty-yard sliding tackle on the half-hour and bossed the
remainder of the game.
Took time out to bring association football further into disrepute by laughing off a
scything challenge late-on. Broon's fingers are tingling for the touch of silverware.
CALMAC - 7/10
A quality metronomic show without doing anything spectacular or devastating.
Floated about their rigid lines like a hummingbird jousting a herd of heelan' coos
with a cattle-prod, ocassionally zapping their smelly arses and opening space in
the ranks.
FORREST - 8/10
Prestwick High Street has been cordoned off for the homecoming boaby-flashin'
parade tonight. The Prestwick Flying Flasher announced himself in the semi (snigger)
with an orgasmic (yup...) exhibition of top-class ability; dropping the shoulder thirty
yards out to turn inside onto his STANDING foot and whip a (love) missile high past
Lewis. Nearly scored a second minutes later, this time thwarted by good goalkeeping.
It would appear that some of Jamesy's 'celebration' for his opener might have splashed
into young Ferguson of Aberdeen's eye and initiated unbearable irritation - may possibly
explain the outright Hunnery of the boy. Or perhaps just his parentage would.
CHRISTIE - N/A
God bless the bhoy soldier. How may injuries in one season? This one - shut up right now
you handwringing diplomats - an absolute assault by (would you have believed it?) another
ex-Hun.
Watch in slo-mo; Christie's eyes on the ball, in comes Ball-bag, late and leading at first
with the arm, KNOWS he's not getting there so shuts the eyes, dips the head, KNOWS EXACTLY
what he's doing - nailing an opponent in the most brutal fashion.
It's a Sunday-League Special (I have experience) designed to maim. Do not take any sycophantic
view - he set out there to destroy Ryan and he got only part of what he deserved. A yellow card
was issued - it was a straight RED, clear as day.
I trust Ball's next game against us will be extremely physically hard on him as our iron men
settle the score. I'll be somewhat disappointed if he manages to walk off the park.
Meantime, get back soon, Corpus.
HAYES - 8.5/10 MOTM
The Great War. The Second World War. The Spanish Civil War - Johnny's fought in them all.
Today, to many a surprise, Lenny sent him over the top again and how he relished the battle.
Energy and guile, backtracking, 100% industry - played for his jersey and deserved the
accolades, won the penalty, led their right side a dance he learned at the Cloth Hall in
Ypres from a Belgian lass just before the Kaiser razed it to the ground.
Wherever Johhny quantum-leaps next, Lenny must make sure the choronographic dials on
his Victorian Time-Machine are set for 25th May 2019, Hampden Park, Glasgow. He's earned
it.
FRENCH EDDY - 8/10
He's nimble, he's quick, he'll make you look a prick - French Edd-ay, French Edd-ay...
Faced with a backline of hulking berserkers, he refused to let them get near him. Constantly
kept jumping out from the behemoth's jaws like Jonah teasing as big red whale, finding
space deep, linking, turning, getting the run on them to create his own openings.
It was a great performance from Eddy, a class in timing movement; a penalty tucked away
smartly to calm nerves and ice the cake. We paid 9 million for him. We will get at least
double back in a couple of years - almost as much gazillion bumbleebeecoin as the Huns
delude about getting for Ugleefuglee. Until then, play him, support him; he's dynamite.
SUBS:
SINCY - 6/10
Motored and mortored - a fine asset to throw at them. Lenny may not fancy him but
there's plenty lef tin Sincy for Celtic to benefit from. He's got the message- hit top gear
more often or lose the jersey; up to him to deliver.
ROGIC - 7.5/10
Strewth, mayte. Hardly finished his first tinnie of the day and the boss's got him comin' on
'cause Corpus Christie's been head-boxin' a filthy ex-Hun Kangaroo. Can ya belayve it?
Ambled around with magnificently Rogic-esque languid deceptive bewitchery - almost
got the feet back ; almost lost a leg to perma-ragin' dirty wee scowling Hun progeny,
Ferguson the Younger, bastard son to Deek The Language-Mangler and nephew to
Barry The Sneering Bawbag. A genetic line traceable from the loins of Sawney Bean.
What did the big Oz magician do? Had a chuckle as young Fergie-hun took his first shower
of the year a half-hour early then swept in the free-kick rebound with panache and a shrug.
Lookout Huns, the Rogic is coming.
TIMO - 5/10
Short of time but not enthusiasm. Tricky feet and that gliding movement around the box -
please keep him for a full season if we can - bhoy will flourish for us next season and we'll
have a volatile, pacy option for wing or central.
LENNY - 8/10
Well, who's sorry now? Probably not the football stattos (like, yeah, I'intetrested in the game
globally, y'know...) raised on asnine PC manager campaigns who treat Opta stats like quality
porn.
Lenny set out a team to have many bewildered and writing his obit. No Burke to combat their
animals? Hayes on from the start? French Eddy upfront alone in the land of Giants?
He second-guessed every move his opponents would and could make. Didn't realise how
tight his record v McInness was before this - 8 wins each, 2 draws from 18. So the pressure
was on him - you might have been able to tell as he watched Eddy's penalty through his
fingers; dugout required a couch.
Now he's just three wins from tying up a treble treble - there's no way Sex-Pest Harry Potter
will field a full team v the Huns next week; he'll claim to be resting players for the final while
wanting as much pressure on Celtic as possible with the lead cut to 8 points before Easter
Road on Easter Sunday. So we'll need to win the next two, not one.
Today Lenny met his biggest hurdle yet and skipped over it in his own inimitable way.
OVERALL - 8.5/10
A hazardous ride turned into a day on the flumes as the Sheep imploded in true
McInness style - with that exceptionable Hun je ne sais quois that is a joy to behold
as demonic perma-rage overwhelms their cognitive faculties. He sure has left his
mark on that squad... Hoofmarks.
We dominated from the start - they were lucky to be anywhere near nil-nil after a
half hour. Every hooped player - bar the absently wandering Jamesy, bizarrely, until
he flashed (snigger) into life spectacularly - appeared focussed and driven.
The ball was switched at pace and our interchange and movement was sweet.
We only lacked the goal touch and when it came it befitted the performance.
They got fleeced.
Overall, we executed the perfect cup-tie requirements - start sharp, stand strong
and go for the jugular. Nothing fazed the bhoys, nor did we get carried away -
from first whistle to last we maintained a tempo and intensity that they could not
live with. Nor could the SFA's officials; nae luck Thomps Hun, Ross, etc.
Broony's a step closer to lifting the cup with a big smile right in the faces of those
wee boolin' club pinkie-pullers who treat their knuckles like clitorises (or is it 'clitorai'?)
who detest him the most.
Dear Diary...
25th May 2019, TREBLE REBEL TREBLE DAY.
Sandman.
"Aye, Ah reacted tae the Fenians' singin'. Ah'll haud ma hauns up on that wan.
But Ah'm no' acceptin' what they wis singin' aboot me - dae Ah fuck look like
Charlie Manson..."
Derek McInness
"I'm making a comeback. My next opponent in the UFC cage will be Aberdeen.
All of them."
Conor McGregor
"Yeah, I wore a red top for my last round - for luck : I knew it stood a pretty
good chance of disappearing under a winning green jacket after watching the soccer..."
Tiger Woods
BANE - 8/10
Spent the second-half in with the Green Brigade starting chants about
Batman to bemused looks of camo-green cagoules all around him.
May have been instrumental in the singing about the colorful racist supremacist
leanings of Aberdeen manager but we'll wait and see if the SFA goons cite him
for not acting in the best interests of institutionalised Scottish bigotry.
Had nothing else to to but play a few passes and look cool.
LUSTIG - 8/10
Whiny anti-Micks will continue to be whiny anti-Micks - there was one in the pub
across from me who obviously played better at full-back for Celtic and Sweden -
and Mick will continue to turn up and bring experience, mentalism, and class to
the Hoops. Another winners performance from a born WINNER.
Fail to secure him for another year and we fail to secure indispensible experience
for big games. i.e CL qualifiers, 'soccer purists'.
KT - 8/10
First time in a long time the superhero's looked 100% on it - some great wing play
and tough as nails to parry attacks from the crofting Yakuza. Bhoy's got the scent
of another treble.
AJER - 7.5/10
Majestic, striding colossus from biblical mythology. Our very own Nephilim looked
ready for combat from the start and combated the Aberdonian Game-Of-Thrones-
Retarded-War-Giant Cosgrove well.
Less impactful in second 45 due to lack of opponents left on park.
JOZO - 8/10
Big mhan, really? Fiver on him to score anytime at 12/1 and he ends up with more
chances than French Eddy. Great surge forward and shot brilliantly saved, then misses
and open goal from resultant corner. Two scremaing efforts second-half, one a very
unlucky hitchkick. Aye, cursed him.
All-round, never missed a tackle and got to show his footballing ability. Great shift.
Keep him tuned.
BROON - 8/10
Looked almost lost at times due to the absence of perennial STDs Shinnie and Logan.
Announced his arrival with a fifty-yard sliding tackle on the half-hour and bossed the
remainder of the game.
Took time out to bring association football further into disrepute by laughing off a
scything challenge late-on. Broon's fingers are tingling for the touch of silverware.
CALMAC - 7/10
A quality metronomic show without doing anything spectacular or devastating.
Floated about their rigid lines like a hummingbird jousting a herd of heelan' coos
with a cattle-prod, ocassionally zapping their smelly arses and opening space in
the ranks.
FORREST - 8/10
Prestwick High Street has been cordoned off for the homecoming boaby-flashin'
parade tonight. The Prestwick Flying Flasher announced himself in the semi (snigger)
with an orgasmic (yup...) exhibition of top-class ability; dropping the shoulder thirty
yards out to turn inside onto his STANDING foot and whip a (love) missile high past
Lewis. Nearly scored a second minutes later, this time thwarted by good goalkeeping.
It would appear that some of Jamesy's 'celebration' for his opener might have splashed
into young Ferguson of Aberdeen's eye and initiated unbearable irritation - may possibly
explain the outright Hunnery of the boy. Or perhaps just his parentage would.
CHRISTIE - N/A
God bless the bhoy soldier. How may injuries in one season? This one - shut up right now
you handwringing diplomats - an absolute assault by (would you have believed it?) another
ex-Hun.
Watch in slo-mo; Christie's eyes on the ball, in comes Ball-bag, late and leading at first
with the arm, KNOWS he's not getting there so shuts the eyes, dips the head, KNOWS EXACTLY
what he's doing - nailing an opponent in the most brutal fashion.
It's a Sunday-League Special (I have experience) designed to maim. Do not take any sycophantic
view - he set out there to destroy Ryan and he got only part of what he deserved. A yellow card
was issued - it was a straight RED, clear as day.
I trust Ball's next game against us will be extremely physically hard on him as our iron men
settle the score. I'll be somewhat disappointed if he manages to walk off the park.
Meantime, get back soon, Corpus.
HAYES - 8.5/10 MOTM
The Great War. The Second World War. The Spanish Civil War - Johnny's fought in them all.
Today, to many a surprise, Lenny sent him over the top again and how he relished the battle.
Energy and guile, backtracking, 100% industry - played for his jersey and deserved the
accolades, won the penalty, led their right side a dance he learned at the Cloth Hall in
Ypres from a Belgian lass just before the Kaiser razed it to the ground.
Wherever Johhny quantum-leaps next, Lenny must make sure the choronographic dials on
his Victorian Time-Machine are set for 25th May 2019, Hampden Park, Glasgow. He's earned
it.
FRENCH EDDY - 8/10
He's nimble, he's quick, he'll make you look a prick - French Edd-ay, French Edd-ay...
Faced with a backline of hulking berserkers, he refused to let them get near him. Constantly
kept jumping out from the behemoth's jaws like Jonah teasing as big red whale, finding
space deep, linking, turning, getting the run on them to create his own openings.
It was a great performance from Eddy, a class in timing movement; a penalty tucked away
smartly to calm nerves and ice the cake. We paid 9 million for him. We will get at least
double back in a couple of years - almost as much gazillion bumbleebeecoin as the Huns
delude about getting for Ugleefuglee. Until then, play him, support him; he's dynamite.
SUBS:
SINCY - 6/10
Motored and mortored - a fine asset to throw at them. Lenny may not fancy him but
there's plenty lef tin Sincy for Celtic to benefit from. He's got the message- hit top gear
more often or lose the jersey; up to him to deliver.
ROGIC - 7.5/10
Strewth, mayte. Hardly finished his first tinnie of the day and the boss's got him comin' on
'cause Corpus Christie's been head-boxin' a filthy ex-Hun Kangaroo. Can ya belayve it?
Ambled around with magnificently Rogic-esque languid deceptive bewitchery - almost
got the feet back ; almost lost a leg to perma-ragin' dirty wee scowling Hun progeny,
Ferguson the Younger, bastard son to Deek The Language-Mangler and nephew to
Barry The Sneering Bawbag. A genetic line traceable from the loins of Sawney Bean.
What did the big Oz magician do? Had a chuckle as young Fergie-hun took his first shower
of the year a half-hour early then swept in the free-kick rebound with panache and a shrug.
Lookout Huns, the Rogic is coming.
TIMO - 5/10
Short of time but not enthusiasm. Tricky feet and that gliding movement around the box -
please keep him for a full season if we can - bhoy will flourish for us next season and we'll
have a volatile, pacy option for wing or central.
LENNY - 8/10
Well, who's sorry now? Probably not the football stattos (like, yeah, I'intetrested in the game
globally, y'know...) raised on asnine PC manager campaigns who treat Opta stats like quality
porn.
Lenny set out a team to have many bewildered and writing his obit. No Burke to combat their
animals? Hayes on from the start? French Eddy upfront alone in the land of Giants?
He second-guessed every move his opponents would and could make. Didn't realise how
tight his record v McInness was before this - 8 wins each, 2 draws from 18. So the pressure
was on him - you might have been able to tell as he watched Eddy's penalty through his
fingers; dugout required a couch.
Now he's just three wins from tying up a treble treble - there's no way Sex-Pest Harry Potter
will field a full team v the Huns next week; he'll claim to be resting players for the final while
wanting as much pressure on Celtic as possible with the lead cut to 8 points before Easter
Road on Easter Sunday. So we'll need to win the next two, not one.
Today Lenny met his biggest hurdle yet and skipped over it in his own inimitable way.
OVERALL - 8.5/10
A hazardous ride turned into a day on the flumes as the Sheep imploded in true
McInness style - with that exceptionable Hun je ne sais quois that is a joy to behold
as demonic perma-rage overwhelms their cognitive faculties. He sure has left his
mark on that squad... Hoofmarks.
We dominated from the start - they were lucky to be anywhere near nil-nil after a
half hour. Every hooped player - bar the absently wandering Jamesy, bizarrely, until
he flashed (snigger) into life spectacularly - appeared focussed and driven.
The ball was switched at pace and our interchange and movement was sweet.
We only lacked the goal touch and when it came it befitted the performance.
They got fleeced.
Overall, we executed the perfect cup-tie requirements - start sharp, stand strong
and go for the jugular. Nothing fazed the bhoys, nor did we get carried away -
from first whistle to last we maintained a tempo and intensity that they could not
live with. Nor could the SFA's officials; nae luck Thomps Hun, Ross, etc.
Broony's a step closer to lifting the cup with a big smile right in the faces of those
wee boolin' club pinkie-pullers who treat their knuckles like clitorises (or is it 'clitorai'?)
who detest him the most.
Dear Diary...
25th May 2019, TREBLE REBEL TREBLE DAY.
Sandman.
️
