Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v SHEPHERDS' PIES
"If Glasgow Celtic choose to destroy you, what business is it of yours?"
Cixin Liu, 'The Dark Forest'.
ROXIE - 6.5/10
Record maker - 250th clean sheet of his career, fittingly clutching
the ball as the final whistle blew. About one of the only touches he
required, aside from a smart save when his own skipper tried to
cheekily nod one past him to keep him awake, and a neat bit of
awareness early on to negate a calamity with smart footwork.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 7/10
All-round splendid effort, displaying incisive interlinking play
to ignite attacks and digging in as per usual when the defensive
duties were required. The benefits of a summer steak-bake-only
diet are obvious...
GET CARTER - 8/10
He's a big mhan and he's going to the World Cup. So don't get in
his way. Relished his duel with Aberdeen's resurrected ancient
civilisation of Macedonia striker who threw himself around like
he was still representing the Macedonia Achaean League against
the Roman Republic in 214 BC. Which to many in this country,
is also still the case...
But Carter was fixated on victory at no cost and with some
clinical defending saw us to it.
RAQUEL - 6.5/10
Glamorous, but I'm still not sure that beautiful head can
make the fur bikini her own. Glanced in the opener sweetly
right after the opening titles but then slowed the movie down
every time the ball was at her feet; taking more touches than
others, and that tendancy to dither takes the edge off Angeball
a little. Decent though, but not convinvcing.
JURAN JURAN - 6/10
Saw him, lost him, saw him again, lost him in the sun.
Flared into action like he'd been brought in by the Green
Brigade only to burn out soon after.
His roving was quelled somewhat by the Dons' lively threat
down the left and he was MIA when Jonny The Vanquisher Of
Mordor Demons Hayes burst into our box and just couldn't
bring himself to do it.
Yet for a spell in the 2nd half JJ showed why he's going
to command a big continental transfer fee next year with
blistering attacking play, whipping in crosses and
stinging the keeper's paws himself. Call this one a warm-up
for the months ahead.
CALMAC - 6/10
Wherefor art thou, capitano? Shakespeare wrote that after
the first-half; or rather Marlowe did, historical cynics...
But Calmac appeared knackered by carrying that big trophy
onto the park and hoisting a flag and it wasn't until deep
in the second period he took it upon himself to raise the
tempo and get the game to bed, where he soon followed.
HAKUNA HATATE - 7.5/10
Iniesta's favourite player was looking like our favourite
too as he seemed the only stand-out of a laboured first-half.
Took a nasty clunking from some new Sheep midfield thug
called Ramalamadingdong who tributed the departed Fergiehun
by attemping to rip out Reo's spinal cord from the tailbone
up as a trophy, Predator-style.
Bright, keen and sparking openings, unfortunately Reo couldn't
find anyone on the same wavelength most of the time, bar...
THE BUILDER - 7/10
Floated around like the ghost of Tommy Rogic and almost
emulated the great Oz's impact with a few deft touches.
But ultimately thwarted; smacked a great volley off the
keeper's gloves, though generally looks like he'll fill
the Wizard's role well.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6/10
It looked like a game of 'make Maeda run', but don't give
him the ball. Tireless as ever, busting a gut repeatedly
but service was scarce and when he did appear ready to make
an impact, the laws of physics were defied - thought he
was about to smash in a header yet pinged it back the way
it came. That's Daizen - ball can ricochet anywhere off
him, sometimes in...
MR.KOBAYASHI - 6/10
'No-go for you, Kyogo a go-go,' said Batfink, and the
mantra you can't get out your heid from the 80s affected
the deadly mushroom up front as he was foiled by admirable
defending and his own timing.
NOTEBOOK - 8.5/10 MOTM
After a frustrating half-hour of misfiring, his creative
genius came to the fore and we began to tick as an offensive
force.
However, you might have still marked him down as not being
quite on it, like many others, then...
ShakalakaBOOM!
Moments like that are what sets aside the supermen from the
journeymen.
Moments like that, given the scoreline and the match time,
are also what sets the Huns spewing; "Choke on that, ya
pish-gargling heathens!" the smoke-trail of the ball spelled
out in binary code as it scorched into the top corner.
Moments like that just eclipse anything else you'll remember
of the game.
SUBS:
SON OF JACKIE - 6/10
The big man came on for a scrap, and got one - with himself.
Wryly amusing to see him beat himself up after missing chances
at glory - one a sitter that had Jonny Hayes nodding in
approval.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 5.5/10
Showing his age (deceased) as he failed to cap a scintillating
counter-attack by sweeping home Notebook's sublime pass. Not
that he looked as though he could even identify the ball as it
clattered around his shins. Called for his nurse to help but by
then it was too late and the chance was cleared.
MOOEY - N/A
Scully would have been proud to see his gormless special needs
buddy don the Hoops of his idol King Kenny. Whether Mooey turns
out to be a baldy James McCarthy or a sane version of Tommy
Gravesen remains to be seen.
ABADASS - 6/10
Did what he does best - livened up the wing, tested the keeper,
tested the Jock Stein rear.
TONY THE TIGER - N/A
Let out his cage for a prowl in the last embers of the afternoon.
ANITA DOBSON - 7/10
He promised, he delivered. Angeball looked a tad rusty but that was
down to the misfiring exponents on the park. The boss rolled into a
new season as ever focussed and intent on plying his methods.
Fearless substitutions rearranged half the team and despite the
somewhat undercooked nature of this barbie, he was able to round
off a satisfactory day with a few tinnies in the sunshine.
MIBBERY - 5/10
Hotter than hell down pitchside, so they gave it to Little Nicky
to sabotage the Fenian Flag Day. He never really got that chance,
but did manage to miss a few vicious anti-footballing manoeuvres
in time-honoured MIB fashion, costing Celtic a playmaker.
OVERALL- 6.5/10
Well we did eventually get back with a bang. Started with a tremendous
Tifo, ended with a stunning screamer. As often, that early goal dulled
the edge for a time as we expected a killer second, they gained a bit
of confidence from being let off the hook, and we wondered if things
might get tricky.
However, this Celtic side know how to win and the 3 points was never
in too much doubt, depsite both hitmen misfiring - any other day and
we'd have racked up 4 or 5.
So we're off and running and the thoroughbreds are only loosening up
for an exciting season ahead. Thrill number 1 ripped into the postage
stamp corner (that's like e-mail, but for yer Granny, kids) and there's
going to be many, many more on the way as this dynamic squad get in
synch. Let's Go! as some thicko once said. Then actually did fuck off...
Go Away Now
Sandman
"If Glasgow Celtic choose to destroy you, what business is it of yours?"
Cixin Liu, 'The Dark Forest'.
ROXIE - 6.5/10
Record maker - 250th clean sheet of his career, fittingly clutching
the ball as the final whistle blew. About one of the only touches he
required, aside from a smart save when his own skipper tried to
cheekily nod one past him to keep him awake, and a neat bit of
awareness early on to negate a calamity with smart footwork.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 7/10
All-round splendid effort, displaying incisive interlinking play
to ignite attacks and digging in as per usual when the defensive
duties were required. The benefits of a summer steak-bake-only
diet are obvious...
GET CARTER - 8/10
He's a big mhan and he's going to the World Cup. So don't get in
his way. Relished his duel with Aberdeen's resurrected ancient
civilisation of Macedonia striker who threw himself around like
he was still representing the Macedonia Achaean League against
the Roman Republic in 214 BC. Which to many in this country,
is also still the case...
But Carter was fixated on victory at no cost and with some
clinical defending saw us to it.
RAQUEL - 6.5/10
Glamorous, but I'm still not sure that beautiful head can
make the fur bikini her own. Glanced in the opener sweetly
right after the opening titles but then slowed the movie down
every time the ball was at her feet; taking more touches than
others, and that tendancy to dither takes the edge off Angeball
a little. Decent though, but not convinvcing.
JURAN JURAN - 6/10
Saw him, lost him, saw him again, lost him in the sun.
Flared into action like he'd been brought in by the Green
Brigade only to burn out soon after.
His roving was quelled somewhat by the Dons' lively threat
down the left and he was MIA when Jonny The Vanquisher Of
Mordor Demons Hayes burst into our box and just couldn't
bring himself to do it.
Yet for a spell in the 2nd half JJ showed why he's going
to command a big continental transfer fee next year with
blistering attacking play, whipping in crosses and
stinging the keeper's paws himself. Call this one a warm-up
for the months ahead.
CALMAC - 6/10
Wherefor art thou, capitano? Shakespeare wrote that after
the first-half; or rather Marlowe did, historical cynics...
But Calmac appeared knackered by carrying that big trophy
onto the park and hoisting a flag and it wasn't until deep
in the second period he took it upon himself to raise the
tempo and get the game to bed, where he soon followed.
HAKUNA HATATE - 7.5/10
Iniesta's favourite player was looking like our favourite
too as he seemed the only stand-out of a laboured first-half.
Took a nasty clunking from some new Sheep midfield thug
called Ramalamadingdong who tributed the departed Fergiehun
by attemping to rip out Reo's spinal cord from the tailbone
up as a trophy, Predator-style.
Bright, keen and sparking openings, unfortunately Reo couldn't
find anyone on the same wavelength most of the time, bar...
THE BUILDER - 7/10
Floated around like the ghost of Tommy Rogic and almost
emulated the great Oz's impact with a few deft touches.
But ultimately thwarted; smacked a great volley off the
keeper's gloves, though generally looks like he'll fill
the Wizard's role well.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6/10
It looked like a game of 'make Maeda run', but don't give
him the ball. Tireless as ever, busting a gut repeatedly
but service was scarce and when he did appear ready to make
an impact, the laws of physics were defied - thought he
was about to smash in a header yet pinged it back the way
it came. That's Daizen - ball can ricochet anywhere off
him, sometimes in...
MR.KOBAYASHI - 6/10
'No-go for you, Kyogo a go-go,' said Batfink, and the
mantra you can't get out your heid from the 80s affected
the deadly mushroom up front as he was foiled by admirable
defending and his own timing.
NOTEBOOK - 8.5/10 MOTM
After a frustrating half-hour of misfiring, his creative
genius came to the fore and we began to tick as an offensive
force.
However, you might have still marked him down as not being
quite on it, like many others, then...
ShakalakaBOOM!
Moments like that are what sets aside the supermen from the
journeymen.
Moments like that, given the scoreline and the match time,
are also what sets the Huns spewing; "Choke on that, ya
pish-gargling heathens!" the smoke-trail of the ball spelled
out in binary code as it scorched into the top corner.
Moments like that just eclipse anything else you'll remember
of the game.
SUBS:
SON OF JACKIE - 6/10
The big man came on for a scrap, and got one - with himself.
Wryly amusing to see him beat himself up after missing chances
at glory - one a sitter that had Jonny Hayes nodding in
approval.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 5.5/10
Showing his age (deceased) as he failed to cap a scintillating
counter-attack by sweeping home Notebook's sublime pass. Not
that he looked as though he could even identify the ball as it
clattered around his shins. Called for his nurse to help but by
then it was too late and the chance was cleared.
MOOEY - N/A
Scully would have been proud to see his gormless special needs
buddy don the Hoops of his idol King Kenny. Whether Mooey turns
out to be a baldy James McCarthy or a sane version of Tommy
Gravesen remains to be seen.
ABADASS - 6/10
Did what he does best - livened up the wing, tested the keeper,
tested the Jock Stein rear.
TONY THE TIGER - N/A
Let out his cage for a prowl in the last embers of the afternoon.
ANITA DOBSON - 7/10
He promised, he delivered. Angeball looked a tad rusty but that was
down to the misfiring exponents on the park. The boss rolled into a
new season as ever focussed and intent on plying his methods.
Fearless substitutions rearranged half the team and despite the
somewhat undercooked nature of this barbie, he was able to round
off a satisfactory day with a few tinnies in the sunshine.
MIBBERY - 5/10
Hotter than hell down pitchside, so they gave it to Little Nicky
to sabotage the Fenian Flag Day. He never really got that chance,
but did manage to miss a few vicious anti-footballing manoeuvres
in time-honoured MIB fashion, costing Celtic a playmaker.
OVERALL- 6.5/10
Well we did eventually get back with a bang. Started with a tremendous
Tifo, ended with a stunning screamer. As often, that early goal dulled
the edge for a time as we expected a killer second, they gained a bit
of confidence from being let off the hook, and we wondered if things
might get tricky.
However, this Celtic side know how to win and the 3 points was never
in too much doubt, depsite both hitmen misfiring - any other day and
we'd have racked up 4 or 5.
So we're off and running and the thoroughbreds are only loosening up
for an exciting season ahead. Thrill number 1 ripped into the postage
stamp corner (that's like e-mail, but for yer Granny, kids) and there's
going to be many, many more on the way as this dynamic squad get in
synch. Let's Go! as some thicko once said. Then actually did fuck off...
Go Away Now
Sandman
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superb how u put them together like that mate getting batfink into the ratings fuckin brilliant 
