Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v SORCERERS' APPRENTICES
"Yes, your Satanic Majesty - I can confirm the Hades First XI
kit will definitely be washed and ironed this weekend...."
- Aleister Crowley, via Oiuja Board.
"We are currently making provisions to welcome the many thousands
of Seville refugees to Kiev as quickly as possiblle..."
- President Zelensky of Ukraine.
ROXIE - 6.5/10
Zip! Oops, there goes calamity. Not even our star of stage
and screen - and shampoo commercials - could stop their
surprise smash.
No grab though, as that was his modus for the rest of
the game; never troubled and always on-call to snuff
danger with safe mittens.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 7/10
In times of trouble you need the worker bees to get busy
and redress the balance. Trailing, that's exactly what
Greggs gave us - a sense of relentless endeavour that
drove them back into a defensive block and curtailed any
delusions of grandeur they may have been nurturing.
Vital contribution to the comeback.
STAR LORD - 6.5/10
Never short of controversy, never less than tormented by the
voices in his head, we watch on in wonder while his multiple
personalities wrangle for attention.
Ropey when expected as their early ventures forward caught him
off-guard, then surprisingly competent when we suffered some
mid-term pressure and the Shleby family name was but a header
or touch on a cross away from derision.
Again, he came through a winner; hard data his detractors must
assimilate.
GET CARTER - 7/10
Anybody want to buy a rock? We might. Yet another - literal -
stonewall display; not the agitated, activist Rocky Horror
Show kind, just another competent exhibition of buffering
rangy attackers and controlled aggression, whilst making
best use of the ball on the deck. He's why we're almost
champions.
TONY THE TIGER - 6.5/10
He's got teeth, and the jesrsey's his dinner. No nonsense with
Tony when you're 0-1 down, struggling to get going, and the
pretendy Huns are attempting to spoil the party entrees.
When we needed somebody to dig deep and match their
ugliness, he was the Bhoy to turn to. 100% in it to win it for
the Timnation, 100% determined they'd leave the field uglier
than him. Never in queston, really, 'cos Tony's a beautiful tiger.
CALMAC - 7.5/10
Another one! Like last week - a TACKLE from the book
"How To Fucking Tackle, Ya Bass!".
Contrary to ignorant SMSM hacks, bewildered by any game not
involving a side sporting Slaver Empire blue taps, Calmac
knows how to precision-aim a recovery tackle in the greatest
of Sunday League traditions - i.e ball won, opponent felled;
best result, maimed.
He did just that to perfection, upset punditry everywhere,
and set up our equaliser. On such pivotal actions are games
- and TITLES - won. He did it against the Huns a number
of times - also including that surging run at Mordor.
THIS is a major reason WE will be champions and HE
is the Player Of The Year... *snigger, not if you're an embittered
Scottish media hack who voted for the keeper we papped 4
past today; you know who you are, talentless Hun scum.
Anyone but Celtic, ya tragic fannies...
Anyway, there he is - a kapitan leading by example, leading
one of the finest domestic runs ever seen as we blitz to the
title.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 5.5/10
The old bastard got through the last waves of the pandemic
and was rewarded with a start. Took its toll on rickety old
pins but he showed some promise in his hour. Not quite up
to the pace we play at, but every minute is one back to match
fitness we'll require for the summer CL qualifiers.
Oh, that's right... LOL.
THE BUILDER - 8.5/10 MOTM
Terrific. This boy can DEFEND! Went on a one-man mission
behind the wire (erm, yup...) for around ten minutes in the
second half as he won everything thrown into our box, cut
out every swiped cross and generally had Star Lord, the
racoon and Get Carter applauding while they supped a pint
relaxing round a barrel on the penalty spot.
And he can PLAY! What a signing - a youthful Oz drawing
breath with skill, from the maestro's playbook, capping it
with a composed strike past Scotland's Fuckwit Hacks' Player
Of The Year; Yeah, again, ya hapless doss cunts.
By default our orphaned Viking child is the surprise signing
of the season. Kid's a PLAYER.
NOTEBOOK - 8/10
No stopping the pop phenomenon as he stands astride the SPL
like a collossus. Marvellous run to set up the equaliser,
great knock-down header to provide Kyogo the go-ahead.
Once we bring him into a game he's a real handful. Still
think he fades a little beyond the break but that can be
resolved.
MR.KOBAYASHI - 7/10
Mr.Soze demands a goal. Mr.Soze gets what he demands.
Or your head comes off. And the wee mhan was prepared to
lose his heid for the cause, jabbing it into the mix like
a Hun in a domestic squabble, getting his deserved goal.
Slightly rusty, still, but what the fuck does that matter
now, as the diminutive Japanese surprise we admired back
in August's demolition of Hundee now manifests as a returning
yokai, striking us within an Orange Walk wummin's bawhair
of the title.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 7.5/10
What's Japanese for 執拗なろくでなし ? Yeah, that... Well,
now we expect such, and he is willing to give.
Such a turbulent priest, as Hun Henry II lamented. No one
can rid him of our Daizen - he's at you every second, making
it nigh-on impossible for jobbing SPL defenders to play out.
And he notched one - right through the legs of the Scottish
Fuckwit Hacks' Player Of The Year (nope, won't let you lurking
bawbags forget that embittered one) - as an added bonus.
SUBS:
SON OF JACKIE - 6.5/10
Smash! He shall not be denied. Big bruiser, probably
deserving of a start, showed prowess to meet Jamesy's
cutback and finish the minis off.
ABADASS - 6/10
Another one scratching down the holding cell door to
get 90 mins - the Young Player Of The Year - burst into life
and tormented their wavering backline of strung-out alkies
a little more.
OZ - N/A
Some delightful cameo flips and clips as he performed a
sun-worshipping incantation while the maroon goons
looked on, stupefied.
JAMESY - 6.5/10
Lest you forget, Jamesy's not just a flash in the pan.
Ladies...
He's also a player of dynamism who can turn a tie in our favour,
detractors - erm, LEAGUE CUP SEMI WINNER, WHINEBHOYS...
And today it was nice to see him wake up in the dugout (behind
Ange circa 70 min) and get on the park to make us dream a little
of the Jamesy of old as he whipped Hearts yet again, teeing up
the 4th.
HAKUNA HATATE - N/A
"レストミーボス。性交のために ! " he pleaded, but big Ange
was having none of it, pointing out the price of sushi and the
impossibility of getting a PS5 anytime soon, aside from Ebay
spivs. So Reo got punted on to fill the gaps.
ANITA DOBSON - 8/10
Wow, like the pole dancers say to wee gimpy Alfie in Seventh
Heaven - you can nearly touch it now; But not quite.
A starting eleven to upset predictions - old man and wee man
instead of Oz man and big man - gave pause for thought and an
early setback.
But Ange gives them all the whip and all the chance to impress;
fittingly that adherence to Angeball was also given a stringent
test as we had to rally round the belief-system and invest in
it to turn the tide back.
Angeball won, again. As it has done for 30 unbeaten games on
the ride. And still they don't see. And still they're blinded
by Euro luck...
And still they ignore that TRUE natural order is being restored -
style over substance, tradition over trifle, history over hysteria.
He's going to win it. And he's hardly started yet.
MIBBERY - 4/10
Difficult to apply the wrong 'un rules when you're running about
with your shorts tented from the second minute. But Don tried his
best, ably assisted by his linesman, Bartimaeus.
However, by the time Kyogo had his wrist vibrating, it was the
only buzz he had left. And now it's off to sunny Seville with the
rest of the MIBs for some rioting and retribution.
OVERALL - 8.5/10
Fill in the missing letters, Huns - CHAMPIO...
And how the Bhoys have come so close to completing last season's
impossible conundrum. Tremendous and relentless, epitomising
the season's dogma as they simply played and played and played
until the universe spilled it's just rewards for their endeavour.
Whilst, of course, the watching Huns were puking up their own
traditional 'British' lunches of tripe, spleen, offal, and
*cough* faggots...
Today showed that we're now a good footballing side, leveraging
the beautiful game and its nuances to carve a fine victory from
the debris of last season's fallen ambitions.
Step one, all but done. To Tannadice and some fine synchronicity
with 08 and the Tommy Burns title triumph, curiously won there too
as the Penny Dreadfuls prepared to wreck Manchester.
Wednesday. It happens. We win it. COYBIG
Footnote:
In order to drown out the agonising bitterness of our
remarkable resurgence and championship, over the next
few weeks you'll hear a lot of inane hubris attempting
to elevate a possible Euro consolation trophy win above
a Big Cup triumph.
No, that's like trying to declare a BAFTA for performing
in a Tv series is somehow more prestigious than an Oscar
for a leading role in a classic movie.
So shout all you like about yer BAFTA achievement, the
Oscar's on display in our trophy cabinet.
Take the tour. See what legendary euro glory really looks
like.
In saying that, if there's one thing Frankfurt does well,
it's stuff sausages, so c'mon the Feniantracht.
Go Away Now
Sandman
"Yes, your Satanic Majesty - I can confirm the Hades First XI
kit will definitely be washed and ironed this weekend...."
- Aleister Crowley, via Oiuja Board.
"We are currently making provisions to welcome the many thousands
of Seville refugees to Kiev as quickly as possiblle..."
- President Zelensky of Ukraine.
ROXIE - 6.5/10
Zip! Oops, there goes calamity. Not even our star of stage
and screen - and shampoo commercials - could stop their
surprise smash.
No grab though, as that was his modus for the rest of
the game; never troubled and always on-call to snuff
danger with safe mittens.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 7/10
In times of trouble you need the worker bees to get busy
and redress the balance. Trailing, that's exactly what
Greggs gave us - a sense of relentless endeavour that
drove them back into a defensive block and curtailed any
delusions of grandeur they may have been nurturing.
Vital contribution to the comeback.
STAR LORD - 6.5/10
Never short of controversy, never less than tormented by the
voices in his head, we watch on in wonder while his multiple
personalities wrangle for attention.
Ropey when expected as their early ventures forward caught him
off-guard, then surprisingly competent when we suffered some
mid-term pressure and the Shleby family name was but a header
or touch on a cross away from derision.
Again, he came through a winner; hard data his detractors must
assimilate.
GET CARTER - 7/10
Anybody want to buy a rock? We might. Yet another - literal -
stonewall display; not the agitated, activist Rocky Horror
Show kind, just another competent exhibition of buffering
rangy attackers and controlled aggression, whilst making
best use of the ball on the deck. He's why we're almost
champions.
TONY THE TIGER - 6.5/10
He's got teeth, and the jesrsey's his dinner. No nonsense with
Tony when you're 0-1 down, struggling to get going, and the
pretendy Huns are attempting to spoil the party entrees.
When we needed somebody to dig deep and match their
ugliness, he was the Bhoy to turn to. 100% in it to win it for
the Timnation, 100% determined they'd leave the field uglier
than him. Never in queston, really, 'cos Tony's a beautiful tiger.
CALMAC - 7.5/10
Another one! Like last week - a TACKLE from the book
"How To Fucking Tackle, Ya Bass!".
Contrary to ignorant SMSM hacks, bewildered by any game not
involving a side sporting Slaver Empire blue taps, Calmac
knows how to precision-aim a recovery tackle in the greatest
of Sunday League traditions - i.e ball won, opponent felled;
best result, maimed.
He did just that to perfection, upset punditry everywhere,
and set up our equaliser. On such pivotal actions are games
- and TITLES - won. He did it against the Huns a number
of times - also including that surging run at Mordor.
THIS is a major reason WE will be champions and HE
is the Player Of The Year... *snigger, not if you're an embittered
Scottish media hack who voted for the keeper we papped 4
past today; you know who you are, talentless Hun scum.
Anyone but Celtic, ya tragic fannies...
Anyway, there he is - a kapitan leading by example, leading
one of the finest domestic runs ever seen as we blitz to the
title.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 5.5/10
The old bastard got through the last waves of the pandemic
and was rewarded with a start. Took its toll on rickety old
pins but he showed some promise in his hour. Not quite up
to the pace we play at, but every minute is one back to match
fitness we'll require for the summer CL qualifiers.
Oh, that's right... LOL.
THE BUILDER - 8.5/10 MOTM
Terrific. This boy can DEFEND! Went on a one-man mission
behind the wire (erm, yup...) for around ten minutes in the
second half as he won everything thrown into our box, cut
out every swiped cross and generally had Star Lord, the
racoon and Get Carter applauding while they supped a pint
relaxing round a barrel on the penalty spot.
And he can PLAY! What a signing - a youthful Oz drawing
breath with skill, from the maestro's playbook, capping it
with a composed strike past Scotland's Fuckwit Hacks' Player
Of The Year; Yeah, again, ya hapless doss cunts.
By default our orphaned Viking child is the surprise signing
of the season. Kid's a PLAYER.
NOTEBOOK - 8/10
No stopping the pop phenomenon as he stands astride the SPL
like a collossus. Marvellous run to set up the equaliser,
great knock-down header to provide Kyogo the go-ahead.
Once we bring him into a game he's a real handful. Still
think he fades a little beyond the break but that can be
resolved.
MR.KOBAYASHI - 7/10
Mr.Soze demands a goal. Mr.Soze gets what he demands.
Or your head comes off. And the wee mhan was prepared to
lose his heid for the cause, jabbing it into the mix like
a Hun in a domestic squabble, getting his deserved goal.
Slightly rusty, still, but what the fuck does that matter
now, as the diminutive Japanese surprise we admired back
in August's demolition of Hundee now manifests as a returning
yokai, striking us within an Orange Walk wummin's bawhair
of the title.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 7.5/10
What's Japanese for 執拗なろくでなし ? Yeah, that... Well,
now we expect such, and he is willing to give.
Such a turbulent priest, as Hun Henry II lamented. No one
can rid him of our Daizen - he's at you every second, making
it nigh-on impossible for jobbing SPL defenders to play out.
And he notched one - right through the legs of the Scottish
Fuckwit Hacks' Player Of The Year (nope, won't let you lurking
bawbags forget that embittered one) - as an added bonus.
SUBS:
SON OF JACKIE - 6.5/10
Smash! He shall not be denied. Big bruiser, probably
deserving of a start, showed prowess to meet Jamesy's
cutback and finish the minis off.
ABADASS - 6/10
Another one scratching down the holding cell door to
get 90 mins - the Young Player Of The Year - burst into life
and tormented their wavering backline of strung-out alkies
a little more.
OZ - N/A
Some delightful cameo flips and clips as he performed a
sun-worshipping incantation while the maroon goons
looked on, stupefied.
JAMESY - 6.5/10
Lest you forget, Jamesy's not just a flash in the pan.
Ladies...
He's also a player of dynamism who can turn a tie in our favour,
detractors - erm, LEAGUE CUP SEMI WINNER, WHINEBHOYS...
And today it was nice to see him wake up in the dugout (behind
Ange circa 70 min) and get on the park to make us dream a little
of the Jamesy of old as he whipped Hearts yet again, teeing up
the 4th.
HAKUNA HATATE - N/A
"レストミーボス。性交のために ! " he pleaded, but big Ange
was having none of it, pointing out the price of sushi and the
impossibility of getting a PS5 anytime soon, aside from Ebay
spivs. So Reo got punted on to fill the gaps.
ANITA DOBSON - 8/10
Wow, like the pole dancers say to wee gimpy Alfie in Seventh
Heaven - you can nearly touch it now; But not quite.
A starting eleven to upset predictions - old man and wee man
instead of Oz man and big man - gave pause for thought and an
early setback.
But Ange gives them all the whip and all the chance to impress;
fittingly that adherence to Angeball was also given a stringent
test as we had to rally round the belief-system and invest in
it to turn the tide back.
Angeball won, again. As it has done for 30 unbeaten games on
the ride. And still they don't see. And still they're blinded
by Euro luck...
And still they ignore that TRUE natural order is being restored -
style over substance, tradition over trifle, history over hysteria.
He's going to win it. And he's hardly started yet.
MIBBERY - 4/10
Difficult to apply the wrong 'un rules when you're running about
with your shorts tented from the second minute. But Don tried his
best, ably assisted by his linesman, Bartimaeus.
However, by the time Kyogo had his wrist vibrating, it was the
only buzz he had left. And now it's off to sunny Seville with the
rest of the MIBs for some rioting and retribution.
OVERALL - 8.5/10
Fill in the missing letters, Huns - CHAMPIO...
And how the Bhoys have come so close to completing last season's
impossible conundrum. Tremendous and relentless, epitomising
the season's dogma as they simply played and played and played
until the universe spilled it's just rewards for their endeavour.
Whilst, of course, the watching Huns were puking up their own
traditional 'British' lunches of tripe, spleen, offal, and
*cough* faggots...
Today showed that we're now a good footballing side, leveraging
the beautiful game and its nuances to carve a fine victory from
the debris of last season's fallen ambitions.
Step one, all but done. To Tannadice and some fine synchronicity
with 08 and the Tommy Burns title triumph, curiously won there too
as the Penny Dreadfuls prepared to wreck Manchester.
Wednesday. It happens. We win it. COYBIG
Footnote:
In order to drown out the agonising bitterness of our
remarkable resurgence and championship, over the next
few weeks you'll hear a lot of inane hubris attempting
to elevate a possible Euro consolation trophy win above
a Big Cup triumph.
No, that's like trying to declare a BAFTA for performing
in a Tv series is somehow more prestigious than an Oscar
for a leading role in a classic movie.
So shout all you like about yer BAFTA achievement, the
Oscar's on display in our trophy cabinet.
Take the tour. See what legendary euro glory really looks
like.
In saying that, if there's one thing Frankfurt does well,
it's stuff sausages, so c'mon the Feniantracht.
Go Away Now
Sandman
