Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v ST JABBERWOCKY
"Easter says you can put truth in a grave, but like
the Huns it won't stay there."
- Clarence W. Hall
VINDALOO - 6.5/10
Not often keepers take advice from Jamesy but 'just
the tip,' had Vinny making a peach of a stop to keep
the clean sheet.
Zero chance with the disallowed rasper but his easy
day in the Hampden sun was to be enjoyed after he'd
remained sharp and quick on his feet during the level
half hour.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 7.5/10
Mr.Organisation brings something extra to the team
when he's tuned-in, baffling the haters. It's his
positional awareness, for the back of the class -
the part of the game he slaved to perfect under
Ange. Which affords great linkage with Daizen/A.N
Other winger, and - exemplified in two goals - creates
channels down the inside-left for advancing midfielders
to exploit, overload and punish the opposition; e.g
Reo, Scales and Calmac.
Sign him up.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 7.5/10
'Blitzed by The Moose' - that's the Perth episode of
Countryfile's title. Only used to horses and livestock,
the farmers didn't see the world's largest deer coming.
Or they'd have had their manservants shoot him.
Aggressive and intuitive to win the ball and set up
the opener, crowned his day with a terrific assist for
the fifth.
OF JUSTICE - 7.5/10
Almost a meritocracy when you see a centre-back
retain his place. And this type of game was well-suited
to Liam's cultured left foot; Time to stride forward
and pick a winning pass - ideal for the Barndarig
Beckenbauer, and he exploited every yard of space
to play as virtually a fourth or fifth midfielder.
Not that he was lapse in his defensive duties - two
sprightly interventions early as they got the first
corner of the game and our minds raced back to the
aberration a fortnight ago; Liam was the Celt most
alert to danger.
GET CARTER - 7/10
Yeah, I can do it again... And hoofed it into the Hun
end. No cruise missile repeat this week but the big mhan
was all about rugged control and asserting dominance
over their hopeful, pacy forwards.
CALMAC - 8.5/10 MOTM
Bossed it. Energised it. Won it.
When we needed the revs, the skipper floored the gas
(that's USA-talk for fully depressing the accelerator to
its maximum position, kids. Go watch some action movies,
get off tik-tok).
Cool and precise, clipped in a beauty. Then took charge
properly and carved them up. Had us in cruise control,
but a cruise at top-speed that knackered St.Johnstone
mentally after 30 minutes and left them dribbling on
the canvas fifteen minutes later. He was both architect
and demolition man.
THE TERMINATOR - 6.5/10
There's so much more to come from this bhoy. Get the
feeling he's absorbing the lessons learned from his
captain and mapping out his gameplan. We see in bursts
the class and moments of invention that he's capable of,
and I think the culmination of his educational first
season in the Hoops will pay off big-time soon.
HAKUNA HATATE - 8/10
Keep reminding yeez - when Reo wakes up and logs in to
the game we cannot fail. Felt his way in quietly for
half an hour then announced his readiness with a swivel
and shift of the hips that took out two of them on the
edge of their box and almost created the opener.
It was but an aperitif, m'lud - in the next fifteen
minutes he racked up three assists and had the cowhands
telling half-time fireside tales of the Japanese ghost
they thought they'd seen lurking around their area.
Reo at his most fluid is Reo at his most destructive
and I've been telling doubters that for weeks now as
he's been our main sorcerer. On this form, unplayable
in this country. Keep it going for a few week, lhad.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 7.5/10
From unplayable Japanese to unstoppable Japanese.
The records will fall, cut down by the Samurai's
blade before the cuck in No.10 confiscates it....
Another two today, going on a hat-trick, to
bring his season total to somewhere near infinity.
Started wide, destroyed their flank, throwing in
some fine but wasted crosses, before deciding
just to fucking well score himself.
It's getting ridiculous now...
DUNCAN IDAHO - 6.5/10
Hmm, well the big bhoy is trying a bit more, that's
for sure; maybe realising his Celtic career's in
jeopardy. Good movement and effort, sweet tap-in
for reward.
Still must give us more in terms of linkage and
hold-up play. Maybe needs to add application to
his game when it's not going his way, rather than
the defeatist demeanour he can bear at times.
Get gallus.
JAMESY - 7.5/10
The legend returns to Mount Florida, still searching
for this mythical 'Florida' burd. His zip was up from
the kick-off (metaphorically unusual) and it was he
who zipped about, causingthe most problems for
them early on.
The Jamesy give-and-go is still a delight to see in
action (ladies...) and on this form we've seen he
can lift teams to titles; that bustling energy cannot
be contained - even by empty pint glasses - and the
money shot today would have been Jamesy stepping up
to take the penalty he won...
...Oh yes he did. But in Mibbery's world a combined
take-down by a tag-team doesn't count as illegal;
one to knock you off-stride with a clip, one to knock
you down with a barge. Pricks.
He was subbed to a special ovation, late for his
traditional Easter Playboy Bunny Hunt but smiling
nonetheless.
So to the final five league games and the golden
goal we want to see for the 16-season record.
I repeat, Brendan - PLAY HIM, PUT HIM ON PENS.
SUBS -
HIGHLAND TOFFEE - 6/10
Lookout Luke, the MIB's a humourless bastard. And
doesn't like you being upset with...A play-acting
opponent...Only in Scotland...
But Luke shrugged it off, took a look and looked
on it and hungry for involvement and glory.
SAINT BERNARDO - N/A
Paulo, welcome back again. Make the most of the
minutes and show us some encouraging signs for the
season to come.
TAKINTE - N/A
The nonchalance of the Kuhn - deft flick into AJ
to set up the fifth. Will he stay? Probably not.
Damn.
NOTEBOOK - 6.5/10
The Greatest Showman! And a young sidekick entering
stage right, lol. Always just one touch from glory,
and he wasn't letting a sunny glamorous occasion
go to waste.
TONY THE TIGER - N/A
"Oh Hampden in the sun, fucked the Huns seven-one.."
'Tony, ye're on for the last couple! Get stripped!'
"Fuck, haud ma scarf. See yeez later."
And on runs Tony out the cheap seats with a steward
in pursuit.
THE NOTAPRODDYGAL - 7.5/10
Well, the rhetoric wasn't wasted as he gets two
five-star outings in a row from the ashes of the
OK Corral.
There might still be questions over integrity and
man-management but the fires are stoked for a
blazing half-dozen games to the end, and another
treble on his CV.
Is it The Brodge in action or the collective in
reaction? Six scintillating wins calls the former,
another farcical misadventure down in Hades will
tell another story...
MIBBERY - 3/10
Ah, well, managed to sneak in a yellow for Luke;
match report: "Raised his voice and looked at
me askance..."
And there was the Jamesy clattering that didn't
count because he didn't go down easy enough at
the first maiming attempt.
On balance, they were also just being cunts to
deny the St.Johnstone boy his glorious riggin'-ripper.
After Bilbao it's all so distressing for them.
OVERALL - 8/10
It's all about getting through, they used to say.
6-0 and 5-0 in the National Cups semis declares
that name on yer birth certificate ain't yer
real Da'...
It was taps aff in the Sellick End from the sunny
start, and by half-time it was moobs out for Jamesy
with one of the the most thrilling fifteen minutes
of the season lifting the crowd into a frenzy.
Last week it took half and hour to notch four, so
if the pattern continues we'll be looking for a
fifth at Tannadice around the eigth minute next
time out.
This sort of Celtic performance at a crucial
juncture in the season gilds the Bhoys' achievements
as history is made; endorses their claim to the
titles they'll win and puts the rest in their
place.
We know we should win many a time, but ultimately
it's the manner in which we do - and today was that
comprehensive, swashbuckling satisfaction we crave.
Standards at Celtic demand perpetual quality even if
the level of opponent isn't CL-level. After that opening
30 minutes we had their measure, settled into our rhythm
and the tempo took care of the rest. There's no resurrections
at 4-0 down, even on Easter Sunday.
Might have been double figures looming but I'm glad
it wasn't - they're not the worst side in the league
although final statistics might damn that, but Billie
Jean King's got them at least trying to play their
way to safety with football the foremost stipulation.
So they got skelped but not humiliated and we got
entertained and delighted and through to another
final; that treble within touching distance. What an
eggs-cellent day.
Go Away Now
Sandman
"Easter says you can put truth in a grave, but like
the Huns it won't stay there."
- Clarence W. Hall
VINDALOO - 6.5/10
Not often keepers take advice from Jamesy but 'just
the tip,' had Vinny making a peach of a stop to keep
the clean sheet.
Zero chance with the disallowed rasper but his easy
day in the Hampden sun was to be enjoyed after he'd
remained sharp and quick on his feet during the level
half hour.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 7.5/10
Mr.Organisation brings something extra to the team
when he's tuned-in, baffling the haters. It's his
positional awareness, for the back of the class -
the part of the game he slaved to perfect under
Ange. Which affords great linkage with Daizen/A.N
Other winger, and - exemplified in two goals - creates
channels down the inside-left for advancing midfielders
to exploit, overload and punish the opposition; e.g
Reo, Scales and Calmac.
Sign him up.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 7.5/10
'Blitzed by The Moose' - that's the Perth episode of
Countryfile's title. Only used to horses and livestock,
the farmers didn't see the world's largest deer coming.
Or they'd have had their manservants shoot him.
Aggressive and intuitive to win the ball and set up
the opener, crowned his day with a terrific assist for
the fifth.
OF JUSTICE - 7.5/10
Almost a meritocracy when you see a centre-back
retain his place. And this type of game was well-suited
to Liam's cultured left foot; Time to stride forward
and pick a winning pass - ideal for the Barndarig
Beckenbauer, and he exploited every yard of space
to play as virtually a fourth or fifth midfielder.
Not that he was lapse in his defensive duties - two
sprightly interventions early as they got the first
corner of the game and our minds raced back to the
aberration a fortnight ago; Liam was the Celt most
alert to danger.
GET CARTER - 7/10
Yeah, I can do it again... And hoofed it into the Hun
end. No cruise missile repeat this week but the big mhan
was all about rugged control and asserting dominance
over their hopeful, pacy forwards.
CALMAC - 8.5/10 MOTM
Bossed it. Energised it. Won it.
When we needed the revs, the skipper floored the gas
(that's USA-talk for fully depressing the accelerator to
its maximum position, kids. Go watch some action movies,
get off tik-tok).
Cool and precise, clipped in a beauty. Then took charge
properly and carved them up. Had us in cruise control,
but a cruise at top-speed that knackered St.Johnstone
mentally after 30 minutes and left them dribbling on
the canvas fifteen minutes later. He was both architect
and demolition man.
THE TERMINATOR - 6.5/10
There's so much more to come from this bhoy. Get the
feeling he's absorbing the lessons learned from his
captain and mapping out his gameplan. We see in bursts
the class and moments of invention that he's capable of,
and I think the culmination of his educational first
season in the Hoops will pay off big-time soon.
HAKUNA HATATE - 8/10
Keep reminding yeez - when Reo wakes up and logs in to
the game we cannot fail. Felt his way in quietly for
half an hour then announced his readiness with a swivel
and shift of the hips that took out two of them on the
edge of their box and almost created the opener.
It was but an aperitif, m'lud - in the next fifteen
minutes he racked up three assists and had the cowhands
telling half-time fireside tales of the Japanese ghost
they thought they'd seen lurking around their area.
Reo at his most fluid is Reo at his most destructive
and I've been telling doubters that for weeks now as
he's been our main sorcerer. On this form, unplayable
in this country. Keep it going for a few week, lhad.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 7.5/10
From unplayable Japanese to unstoppable Japanese.
The records will fall, cut down by the Samurai's
blade before the cuck in No.10 confiscates it....
Another two today, going on a hat-trick, to
bring his season total to somewhere near infinity.
Started wide, destroyed their flank, throwing in
some fine but wasted crosses, before deciding
just to fucking well score himself.
It's getting ridiculous now...
DUNCAN IDAHO - 6.5/10
Hmm, well the big bhoy is trying a bit more, that's
for sure; maybe realising his Celtic career's in
jeopardy. Good movement and effort, sweet tap-in
for reward.
Still must give us more in terms of linkage and
hold-up play. Maybe needs to add application to
his game when it's not going his way, rather than
the defeatist demeanour he can bear at times.
Get gallus.
JAMESY - 7.5/10
The legend returns to Mount Florida, still searching
for this mythical 'Florida' burd. His zip was up from
the kick-off (metaphorically unusual) and it was he
who zipped about, causingthe most problems for
them early on.
The Jamesy give-and-go is still a delight to see in
action (ladies...) and on this form we've seen he
can lift teams to titles; that bustling energy cannot
be contained - even by empty pint glasses - and the
money shot today would have been Jamesy stepping up
to take the penalty he won...
...Oh yes he did. But in Mibbery's world a combined
take-down by a tag-team doesn't count as illegal;
one to knock you off-stride with a clip, one to knock
you down with a barge. Pricks.
He was subbed to a special ovation, late for his
traditional Easter Playboy Bunny Hunt but smiling
nonetheless.
So to the final five league games and the golden
goal we want to see for the 16-season record.
I repeat, Brendan - PLAY HIM, PUT HIM ON PENS.
SUBS -
HIGHLAND TOFFEE - 6/10
Lookout Luke, the MIB's a humourless bastard. And
doesn't like you being upset with...A play-acting
opponent...Only in Scotland...
But Luke shrugged it off, took a look and looked
on it and hungry for involvement and glory.
SAINT BERNARDO - N/A
Paulo, welcome back again. Make the most of the
minutes and show us some encouraging signs for the
season to come.
TAKINTE - N/A
The nonchalance of the Kuhn - deft flick into AJ
to set up the fifth. Will he stay? Probably not.
Damn.
NOTEBOOK - 6.5/10
The Greatest Showman! And a young sidekick entering
stage right, lol. Always just one touch from glory,
and he wasn't letting a sunny glamorous occasion
go to waste.
TONY THE TIGER - N/A
"Oh Hampden in the sun, fucked the Huns seven-one.."
'Tony, ye're on for the last couple! Get stripped!'
"Fuck, haud ma scarf. See yeez later."
And on runs Tony out the cheap seats with a steward
in pursuit.
THE NOTAPRODDYGAL - 7.5/10
Well, the rhetoric wasn't wasted as he gets two
five-star outings in a row from the ashes of the
OK Corral.
There might still be questions over integrity and
man-management but the fires are stoked for a
blazing half-dozen games to the end, and another
treble on his CV.
Is it The Brodge in action or the collective in
reaction? Six scintillating wins calls the former,
another farcical misadventure down in Hades will
tell another story...
MIBBERY - 3/10
Ah, well, managed to sneak in a yellow for Luke;
match report: "Raised his voice and looked at
me askance..."
And there was the Jamesy clattering that didn't
count because he didn't go down easy enough at
the first maiming attempt.
On balance, they were also just being cunts to
deny the St.Johnstone boy his glorious riggin'-ripper.
After Bilbao it's all so distressing for them.
OVERALL - 8/10
It's all about getting through, they used to say.
6-0 and 5-0 in the National Cups semis declares
that name on yer birth certificate ain't yer
real Da'...
It was taps aff in the Sellick End from the sunny
start, and by half-time it was moobs out for Jamesy
with one of the the most thrilling fifteen minutes
of the season lifting the crowd into a frenzy.
Last week it took half and hour to notch four, so
if the pattern continues we'll be looking for a
fifth at Tannadice around the eigth minute next
time out.
This sort of Celtic performance at a crucial
juncture in the season gilds the Bhoys' achievements
as history is made; endorses their claim to the
titles they'll win and puts the rest in their
place.
We know we should win many a time, but ultimately
it's the manner in which we do - and today was that
comprehensive, swashbuckling satisfaction we crave.
Standards at Celtic demand perpetual quality even if
the level of opponent isn't CL-level. After that opening
30 minutes we had their measure, settled into our rhythm
and the tempo took care of the rest. There's no resurrections
at 4-0 down, even on Easter Sunday.
Might have been double figures looming but I'm glad
it wasn't - they're not the worst side in the league
although final statistics might damn that, but Billie
Jean King's got them at least trying to play their
way to safety with football the foremost stipulation.
So they got skelped but not humiliated and we got
entertained and delighted and through to another
final; that treble within touching distance. What an
eggs-cellent day.
Go Away Now
Sandman
I was going to do an egg pun but I think Frank covered them all 
