Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v THE SKIDS
"Into the valley, betrothed and divine
Realisation’s no virtue, but who can define
Why soldiers go marching, those masses in line?
This disease is catching from victory to stone
Ahoy! Ahoy! Land, sea and sky
Ahoy! Ahoy! Boy, man and soldier
Ahoy! Ahoy! Deceived and then punctured
Ahoy! Ahoy! Long may they die"
- 'Into The Valley' Lyrics by Stuart Adamson/Luke McCowan
VINDALOO - 6/10
After you. No, after you... No... And the curse of good
manners almost costs us a crazy gifted opener as Vinny and
AJ discuss the merits of courtesy. Just one of those things,
hesitation and second-guessing, when it really just requires
a boot out of the park and acceptance of consequences
avoided.
Did act as a wake-up call, though, and for the rest of the
game he was in-tune with his defence when required.
KATIE - 6/10
It's 50-odd games for the bhoy whose legs were 'gone'.
They certainly carried him as far as they could today.
But the sharpness was dulled and though he made some
fine supporting and overlapping bursts, the KT delivery
mechanism was stuck on 'pish'. Rest this man, or we won't
win the World Cup...
WAYNE GRETZKY - 6/10
A more subdued Moose than usual. Low energy, it seemed;
possibly a result of the high-intensity of his run-in
comeback. Certainly befuddled in that early mix-up, but
made amends with an astute long ball to pick out Daizen
for the opener.
CRUSTY THE CLOWN - 6.5/10
Booked for being hauled to the ground is a new one. So congrats
on the MIB innovation to give big Austin plenty to think about
as the Pars introduced two Eastern-European Balkan War
mercenaries down the middle after half-time.
So in his last game of a season he started isolated somewhere
near Antarctica, he went into mortal combat under a scorching
sun. And, thankfully, he held his own, rebuffing a number of
assaults, half of them intimate, as Dunfermline's big maddies
attempted to leave their mark on everything that moved in
green and white.
OF JUSTICE - 7.5/10
It almost writes itself, a Liam assessment. Vast percentage of
the time this season you could start with the low expectations
of derisive ingrates and explain how he exceeds them, often
proving himself crucial to a major result.
So.. Here we go again: Anticipation and reaction of a preying
mantis to prevent the shock lead a country beyond our hooped
kingdom was fervently wishing for; Bailing out his stuttering
cohorts while doing so.
Floating passes in-behind like prime Glen Hoddle. Clearing up
scraps from his partner's buffering battles with rowdy strikers
and cutting out direct through balls like prime... Baresi. A ginger
one... Yet again, we note.
And yet again, Scales The Understated is the foundation of
a fine Celtic victory.
CALMAC - 7/10
Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid. Now showing on the Hampden
pitch. Calmac and his young sidekick smoked the upstart Fifers
Gang, led by former rebel alliance leader Lenny Lennon...
With the Belgian bhoy in sparkling form, the skipper got the
freedom of the park to dictate the show. And we got a rich,
enthralling display through a first 45 that won the day.
Game-management took precedence as the league surge finally
took its toll on the Celtic energy levels and emotions later in the
match. But Calmac kept his charges on-point to see it out and
get his hands back on the knockout trophy most associated
with the Hoops.
THE TERMINATOR - 8/10 MOTM
Fighting fit, mean and pivotal. Young Arne on a mission is the
25 million player we require, and the one who showed up today.
The much-vaunted dynamic duo combo with Calmac worked to
provide us perfect harmonic control for a dominating opening
half.
He outshone the Hampden sun, skelping in a beauty of second
goal to give us breathing space. But it was his overall intensity
that kept up a killer tempo and staged a classy cup-winning
midfield performance.
NEGAN - 6/10
Having squeezed Reo completely out of the picture, the Swedish
conundrum has been out to prove his worth; which should consist
of greater presence and influence in game.
Today he was borderline AWOL, but come the second half had
refined his movement between their lines and popped up in many
a dangerous position with time and space to operate. and it was
from this that he finally got his - and our reward - laying on the
third goal.
JAMESY - 6.5/10
What's that? Yes, MON does read these and did in fact apply
the 'need to score, inject some Jamesy" maxim from the first
whistle. And lo and behold, we're two up at the break...
And before his libido faded at his his millionth medal win,
Jamesy had looked the man most likely - firing in our only
decent crosses, stinging the keeper's gloves with our first
SOT.
A cunning ploy from the boss to start him, shooting towards
the away end; plenty new burds there to impress that Jamesy
hadn't 'seen' before. And will probably be seeing-to as
you read this...
LORD KATSUMOTO - 7.5/10
The Samurai King signs of with his 17th of the season and
79th of a Celtic career which is now cemented in legendary
foreigner status, up there beside Nakamura.
His unique pressing style drew blood one last time, spooking
their centre-half into misjudging the flight of a long ball,
and Daizen pounced. For he never sleeps, you know.
He waits.
The finish was sublime, from "oNe Of thE WorSteSt PlAyUrs iN
a CeLtiC sHiRt"* some have ever seen...
So a final honour for the honourable Maeda-San, and his
many-folded blade which has ripped a swathe through Scottish
football. In the words of Jacqueline McCafferty, 'Ah fuckin'
love you, man!"
* © Retardiofuckwittery Inc.
YING - 6/10
Another match, another busy bee, and another outing more
huff than *poof!* (that's alluding to a dazzling magical
spell, not to Raskin of the Huns...).
If he could just calm down a bit and blend in more of the
skillful instinct we saw in clipped passes or a sweet
outside of the boot delivery, we'd have a proper player.
SUBS -
ITCHYCOO PARK - 7/10
Our impact sub of the season. He's a big unit, Kelechi,
and he's only half-fit, but the natural ability's there
in those deft feet; As Fred Astaire* will atest to after
watching him bamboozle a couple of defenders before
shimmying round the keeper to seal the win.
*Fred Astaire is dead. Like Rangers.
TUTANKHAMUN - N/A
Loves a trophy win, this kid. Enjoys himself
regardless of weight of contribution; which has
been a bit lacking, much in the vein of today's
lightweight cameo.
NEVILLE - N/A
The Ox flips a few passes about to give us a last
glimpse of his class. Thank you, Sir.
SCRATCHY - N/A
If we can't retain this energetic little madman
from Uruguay, it would have been nice to see him
depart with a cup final goal.
Unfortunately fluffed his big monment right at
the death when he half-volleyed a chance into the
Celtic end like it was the decapitated head of a
rival cartel sicario.
FATHER MARTIN AND SAMWISE GANGEE 8.5/10
A double for the double act, a glorious finale
for the genial legend. It all seemed so abrupt
as the final whistle blew - the ridiculous
Hollywood ending you'd dared to dream of two
months ago as the chips went down and the
probabilities tallied up to not much...
So we and he, and they, can all breath easy
now. No shocks, no drama, just focussed
discipline and jobs well done one last time
to finish with an extra flourish after last
week's showstopper.
MON barely tweaked it bar the genius Jamesy
inclusion, and trusted the bhoys had sobered
up enough to take care of this last piece of
business to make the boss's comeback special
rival that of Elvis.
So now we talk of statue spots on The Celtic
Way. And of long walks into the sunset, legend
assured. But the crew? The rest of the band?
Shaun O'Maloney, Fozzy, Gav and.. .the drummer?
A difficult one...
It's like the very end of Cheers, you see, when
Sam Malone tells the gang he's selling the bar
and quitting Boston.
"What will become of us?" asks Norm, Cliff and
Frasier, forlornly.
And what did?
Well, there was a twist: Sammy changed his mind
and stayed. Forever, so far as we knew; being left
with only the ultimate final credits and teary pathos
as a decade of epic comic brilliance came to a close.
Will there be such a twist at Celtic, now?
Hmm...
MIBBERY - 2/10
Any last requests? VAR controversy? Manufactured
outrage over volleyball moves on a football pitch?
Nope. Just the Tims ruining the sunny day in the
ludges beer gardens. Again.
OVERALL - 8/10
The crowning glory. The hated double, done
and dusted. 'What if?' of weeks ago became
'WTF? They did it!' in some decent style.
Certainly the first-half from around the
quarter hour to the break was satisfying
champions fodder - brisk tempo, confident
interchanges, smooth rotation and inventive
play, all based off zippy possession and great
intense application.
Legs got a bit wobbly - unsurprisingly - deep
into the game but the reinforcements introduced
did their parts - again, in spectacular fashion.
So it all went as planned and we took both
trophies to make up for the St.Mirren aberration.
As written. Never in doubt.
So, what was all the fucking fuss about? Honestly,
some people just get hysterical about Celtic for
no reason...
More of this shite coming up in a graphically
explicit Season Review - soon; just to antagonise
more people before Tony Ralston lifts the World
Cup.
See you around...
Go Away Now
Sandman
"Into the valley, betrothed and divine
Realisation’s no virtue, but who can define
Why soldiers go marching, those masses in line?
This disease is catching from victory to stone
Ahoy! Ahoy! Land, sea and sky
Ahoy! Ahoy! Boy, man and soldier
Ahoy! Ahoy! Deceived and then punctured
Ahoy! Ahoy! Long may they die"
- 'Into The Valley' Lyrics by Stuart Adamson/Luke McCowan
VINDALOO - 6/10
After you. No, after you... No... And the curse of good
manners almost costs us a crazy gifted opener as Vinny and
AJ discuss the merits of courtesy. Just one of those things,
hesitation and second-guessing, when it really just requires
a boot out of the park and acceptance of consequences
avoided.
Did act as a wake-up call, though, and for the rest of the
game he was in-tune with his defence when required.
KATIE - 6/10
It's 50-odd games for the bhoy whose legs were 'gone'.
They certainly carried him as far as they could today.
But the sharpness was dulled and though he made some
fine supporting and overlapping bursts, the KT delivery
mechanism was stuck on 'pish'. Rest this man, or we won't
win the World Cup...
WAYNE GRETZKY - 6/10
A more subdued Moose than usual. Low energy, it seemed;
possibly a result of the high-intensity of his run-in
comeback. Certainly befuddled in that early mix-up, but
made amends with an astute long ball to pick out Daizen
for the opener.
CRUSTY THE CLOWN - 6.5/10
Booked for being hauled to the ground is a new one. So congrats
on the MIB innovation to give big Austin plenty to think about
as the Pars introduced two Eastern-European Balkan War
mercenaries down the middle after half-time.
So in his last game of a season he started isolated somewhere
near Antarctica, he went into mortal combat under a scorching
sun. And, thankfully, he held his own, rebuffing a number of
assaults, half of them intimate, as Dunfermline's big maddies
attempted to leave their mark on everything that moved in
green and white.
OF JUSTICE - 7.5/10
It almost writes itself, a Liam assessment. Vast percentage of
the time this season you could start with the low expectations
of derisive ingrates and explain how he exceeds them, often
proving himself crucial to a major result.
So.. Here we go again: Anticipation and reaction of a preying
mantis to prevent the shock lead a country beyond our hooped
kingdom was fervently wishing for; Bailing out his stuttering
cohorts while doing so.
Floating passes in-behind like prime Glen Hoddle. Clearing up
scraps from his partner's buffering battles with rowdy strikers
and cutting out direct through balls like prime... Baresi. A ginger
one... Yet again, we note.
And yet again, Scales The Understated is the foundation of
a fine Celtic victory.
CALMAC - 7/10
Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid. Now showing on the Hampden
pitch. Calmac and his young sidekick smoked the upstart Fifers
Gang, led by former rebel alliance leader Lenny Lennon...
With the Belgian bhoy in sparkling form, the skipper got the
freedom of the park to dictate the show. And we got a rich,
enthralling display through a first 45 that won the day.
Game-management took precedence as the league surge finally
took its toll on the Celtic energy levels and emotions later in the
match. But Calmac kept his charges on-point to see it out and
get his hands back on the knockout trophy most associated
with the Hoops.
THE TERMINATOR - 8/10 MOTM
Fighting fit, mean and pivotal. Young Arne on a mission is the
25 million player we require, and the one who showed up today.
The much-vaunted dynamic duo combo with Calmac worked to
provide us perfect harmonic control for a dominating opening
half.
He outshone the Hampden sun, skelping in a beauty of second
goal to give us breathing space. But it was his overall intensity
that kept up a killer tempo and staged a classy cup-winning
midfield performance.
NEGAN - 6/10
Having squeezed Reo completely out of the picture, the Swedish
conundrum has been out to prove his worth; which should consist
of greater presence and influence in game.
Today he was borderline AWOL, but come the second half had
refined his movement between their lines and popped up in many
a dangerous position with time and space to operate. and it was
from this that he finally got his - and our reward - laying on the
third goal.
JAMESY - 6.5/10
What's that? Yes, MON does read these and did in fact apply
the 'need to score, inject some Jamesy" maxim from the first
whistle. And lo and behold, we're two up at the break...
And before his libido faded at his his millionth medal win,
Jamesy had looked the man most likely - firing in our only
decent crosses, stinging the keeper's gloves with our first
SOT.
A cunning ploy from the boss to start him, shooting towards
the away end; plenty new burds there to impress that Jamesy
hadn't 'seen' before. And will probably be seeing-to as
you read this...
LORD KATSUMOTO - 7.5/10
The Samurai King signs of with his 17th of the season and
79th of a Celtic career which is now cemented in legendary
foreigner status, up there beside Nakamura.
His unique pressing style drew blood one last time, spooking
their centre-half into misjudging the flight of a long ball,
and Daizen pounced. For he never sleeps, you know.
He waits.
The finish was sublime, from "oNe Of thE WorSteSt PlAyUrs iN
a CeLtiC sHiRt"* some have ever seen...
So a final honour for the honourable Maeda-San, and his
many-folded blade which has ripped a swathe through Scottish
football. In the words of Jacqueline McCafferty, 'Ah fuckin'
love you, man!"
* © Retardiofuckwittery Inc.
YING - 6/10
Another match, another busy bee, and another outing more
huff than *poof!* (that's alluding to a dazzling magical
spell, not to Raskin of the Huns...).
If he could just calm down a bit and blend in more of the
skillful instinct we saw in clipped passes or a sweet
outside of the boot delivery, we'd have a proper player.
SUBS -
ITCHYCOO PARK - 7/10
Our impact sub of the season. He's a big unit, Kelechi,
and he's only half-fit, but the natural ability's there
in those deft feet; As Fred Astaire* will atest to after
watching him bamboozle a couple of defenders before
shimmying round the keeper to seal the win.
*Fred Astaire is dead. Like Rangers.
TUTANKHAMUN - N/A
Loves a trophy win, this kid. Enjoys himself
regardless of weight of contribution; which has
been a bit lacking, much in the vein of today's
lightweight cameo.
NEVILLE - N/A
The Ox flips a few passes about to give us a last
glimpse of his class. Thank you, Sir.
SCRATCHY - N/A
If we can't retain this energetic little madman
from Uruguay, it would have been nice to see him
depart with a cup final goal.
Unfortunately fluffed his big monment right at
the death when he half-volleyed a chance into the
Celtic end like it was the decapitated head of a
rival cartel sicario.
FATHER MARTIN AND SAMWISE GANGEE 8.5/10
A double for the double act, a glorious finale
for the genial legend. It all seemed so abrupt
as the final whistle blew - the ridiculous
Hollywood ending you'd dared to dream of two
months ago as the chips went down and the
probabilities tallied up to not much...
So we and he, and they, can all breath easy
now. No shocks, no drama, just focussed
discipline and jobs well done one last time
to finish with an extra flourish after last
week's showstopper.
MON barely tweaked it bar the genius Jamesy
inclusion, and trusted the bhoys had sobered
up enough to take care of this last piece of
business to make the boss's comeback special
rival that of Elvis.
So now we talk of statue spots on The Celtic
Way. And of long walks into the sunset, legend
assured. But the crew? The rest of the band?
Shaun O'Maloney, Fozzy, Gav and.. .the drummer?
A difficult one...
It's like the very end of Cheers, you see, when
Sam Malone tells the gang he's selling the bar
and quitting Boston.
"What will become of us?" asks Norm, Cliff and
Frasier, forlornly.
And what did?
Well, there was a twist: Sammy changed his mind
and stayed. Forever, so far as we knew; being left
with only the ultimate final credits and teary pathos
as a decade of epic comic brilliance came to a close.
Will there be such a twist at Celtic, now?
Hmm...
MIBBERY - 2/10
Any last requests? VAR controversy? Manufactured
outrage over volleyball moves on a football pitch?
Nope. Just the Tims ruining the sunny day in the
ludges beer gardens. Again.
OVERALL - 8/10
The crowning glory. The hated double, done
and dusted. 'What if?' of weeks ago became
'WTF? They did it!' in some decent style.
Certainly the first-half from around the
quarter hour to the break was satisfying
champions fodder - brisk tempo, confident
interchanges, smooth rotation and inventive
play, all based off zippy possession and great
intense application.
Legs got a bit wobbly - unsurprisingly - deep
into the game but the reinforcements introduced
did their parts - again, in spectacular fashion.
So it all went as planned and we took both
trophies to make up for the St.Mirren aberration.
As written. Never in doubt.
So, what was all the fucking fuss about? Honestly,
some people just get hysterical about Celtic for
no reason...
More of this shite coming up in a graphically
explicit Season Review - soon; just to antagonise
more people before Tony Ralston lifts the World
Cup.
See you around...
Go Away Now
Sandman
and kept us believing.
