Tell Me Something Funny

Maria

Well-known member
#41
I knew a woman, let's call her Jane, who lived in a single-end in Govan and her elderly neighbour came chapping her door one morning to say that her husband has just died. As her own place was a bit untidy, Jane ushered the old dear back to her own place to get her a cup of tea and since it was a single-end, the bed-settee was still down. After making the tea Jane sat on the bed and asked the old soul what time the undertakers took her deceased hubby away and the aul yin said 'oh they've no been yet hen'. Jane was a bit bemused by this and asked where he was so the aul yin said, 'yer siitin oan him hen'. Poor soul was that wee and thin that Jane never saw him under the blankets.
Hope she didn’t sit on his face πŸ˜‚
 
#42
Worked on a Rusian cruise ship sailing from OZ going round the south pacificin the 80s(young adventurer ) anyway wedock in Suva Fiji islands and we had an extra day over as ship was waiting for a repair

Fiji customs officials organized with the Russian crew a game of footie in exchange they would allow the Ruskys ashore for 5 hours , (remember this was the late 80's) So to help with this they needed a ref this would get the game going and the staff would get off the ship i was nominated all the rest were kiwis or aussies

Afternoon of the game we all go to the only muddy shithole footie field available , game kicks off and the ruskys score good i thought were winning , fiji customs guy comes up and says it was offside ,were not playing offside i barks back

Then came the threats if we don't win your not getting back on that boat , penalty to fiji

Russians , if we dont win we'll make sure your lifes a misery on board ,,,penalty

everytime any team crossed the half way line i would blow for a foul no fkn way anyone was scoring fk that

I didn't have a clue young full of the ale from the night before everyone i booked wanted a fight every decision was the wrong decision , in the end the russians won on penaltys

I came off the pitch with more bruises than i went on it and fiji customs held my passport right up untill the boat was leaving the dock
Kelly is your surname Dallas per chance? 🀫🀫
 

Maria

Well-known member
#46
I used to work as a cocktail waitress in a club shammy and the manager was a right shady sleazeball.

He wiz oot his tits on chico and god knows wit else and i get a message he wants to see me about shifts.

I walk in to the small office he bounces over locks the door and draps his troosers i swear to fuck i was ragin but freaked oot to.

I looked him in the face that his clatty white tongue was wrappin round hiz coupon and told him in no uncertain terms that i would fuck him up if he tried that shit again and booted the chair at him shouting get the fkn door opened ya clown he stepped forward to get to the door fell over his trousers and fucked his head off the chair.

Door got opened and i told the full staff wit he had tried. Apparantley he wiz known for it.

Wit a scumbag eh. Well he did get fucked but not the way he thought.

Next week he tried a team builder taking is all out for food at the driftwood but it was a mexican then. Then onto the garage.

So junky baws went into their manager or owners office fur a meeting. Most likely taking more gear.

I said to everyone. Yeez fancy a free bar. There wiz about 20 of us and i told them my plan.

I walked up to the bar and said who’s in charge a guy steps forward. I told him our club had to get a free bar and he said no he didnt know about it i said the manager wiz holed up in a meeting with his boss and its ok to go n disturb them. He shst it gave us free drinks all night.

Everyone wiz pissin their sels at my absolute cheek.

I left that club shortly after. Too many serious creepy people comin through to it.

Anyway i was in a petrol station 6 months later when i heard his associates had pushed him oot a hookers window to his death for robbing them.

I laughed out loud. Sometimes vermin gets what vermin deserves.
 
#47
Was in Dublin years and years ago with the wife,think the pub was called the Quay in Temple Bar then,i have always had a good memory for remember peoples faces from years ago,so we’re sitting upstairs in the pub it is packed,going downstairs to order another drink ,bottom of the stairs this guy nods to me I nod back same going back up ,says to the wife seen a guy down there know his face wife says don’t start that again i say I definitely know him,might have been in my year at school,,or maybe worked beside me not sure where I know him from. I am left baffled until about a hour later the DJ (along time ago) says ladies and gentleman will you put your hands together for (The Celtic Warrior)Steve Collins as it is last night in Ireland before going off to America to defend his title.Rapturous applause then the good lady says to me aye you knew him just like the other 99percent of the punters in this pub got to say think she had the last laugh
 

CalumHH

Well-known member
#49
Worked the till at Next during a summer sale many years back, middle-aged guy grumpily comes up to the till to pay for office shoes he's picked out. Angrily he starts moaning at me, "Your shoes here aren't the best are they? Got myself a job interview tomorrow and I've been in here trying on pairs for half an hour and finally found a pair that look good and fit well. "

He hands them to me and i see a tag on them that reads, "Free tights with a purchase of these shoes."

Realising this guy's been in the woman's section trying on ladies shoes for half an hour and getting frustrated about how they don't fit him, I'm desperately trying to hold back my laughter, had to turn around to hide my tears as he keeps going "I know my feet are wee bit funny shaped but they're no that bad ffs."

He finally caught on to what he'd been doing when i asked him, "Will you be needing any assistance picking out your free tights, Sir?"

I think i'll always remember the look of abject horror on his face as it dawned on him then turned around to see about 20 girls in the queue laughing at him:ROFLMAO:

The soles on them were all love hearts as well, i honestly don't know how he didn't notice. Maybe the job interview was just an excuse...:eek:
 

Imatim

Well-known member
#50
There's a sandwich shop for sale where I live. It's won loads of awards. Sandwich of the year many times....anyway, I'm thinking about buying it. The last owner had to take the business into liquadation. Turned out he was buying meat he couldn't afford. You walk in there and the certificates are plastered all over the wall. Sandwich of the year 2005, 2008, 2011 and so on. If I buy it can I claim those awards?? I mean yes, technically the meat I sell in my sandwiches won't be of the same quality and yes the bread won't be as good and technically yes, I never actually won them....but....it's the same shop..almost the same name. I mean surely it's not false advertisement me claiming those awards are mine....thoughts please?? πŸ˜πŸ€”πŸ˜πŸ€”πŸ˜
........................

You're a bad man Lubo :ROFLMAO:
 

Imatim

Well-known member
#51
Was in Dublin once to work at the point for boyzone. The support band was westlife (called westside at the start). Kian egan saunters over to me and asks if i would like to go to a party with him i laughed and said can my bf come his face was a picture.

Clearly there wiz no party.

πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
.......................

Oooo I reckon there would have been lol
 

Imatim

Well-known member
#52
Worked the till at Next during a summer sale many years back, middle-aged guy grumpily comes up to the till to pay for office shoes he's picked out. Angrily he starts moaning at me, "Your shoes here aren't the best are they? Got myself a job interview tomorrow and I've been in here trying on pairs for half an hour and finally found a pair that look good and fit well. "

He hands them to me and i see a tag on them that reads, "Free tights with a purchase of these shoes."

Realising this guy's been in the woman's section trying on ladies shoes for half an hour and getting frustrated about how they don't fit him, I'm desperately trying to hold back my laughter, had to turn around to hide my tears as he keeps going "I know my feet are wee bit funny shaped but they're no that bad ffs."

He finally caught on to what he'd been doing when i asked him, "Will you be needing any assistance picking out your free tights, Sir?"

I think i'll always remember the look of abject horror on his face as it dawned on him then turned around to see about 20 girls in the queue laughing at him:ROFLMAO:

The soles on them were all love hearts as well, i honestly don't know how he didn't notice. Maybe the job interview was just an excuse...:eek:
......................

Or maybe he was in the right section after all? ;)
 

Maria

Well-known member
#53
Worked the till at Next during a summer sale many years back, middle-aged guy grumpily comes up to the till to pay for office shoes he's picked out. Angrily he starts moaning at me, "Your shoes here aren't the best are they? Got myself a job interview tomorrow and I've been in here trying on pairs for half an hour and finally found a pair that look good and fit well. "

He hands them to me and i see a tag on them that reads, "Free tights with a purchase of these shoes."

Realising this guy's been in the woman's section trying on ladies shoes for half an hour and getting frustrated about how they don't fit him, I'm desperately trying to hold back my laughter, had to turn around to hide my tears as he keeps going "I know my feet are wee bit funny shaped but they're no that bad ffs."

He finally caught on to what he'd been doing when i asked him, "Will you be needing any assistance picking out your free tights, Sir?"

I think i'll always remember the look of abject horror on his face as it dawned on him then turned around to see about 20 girls in the queue laughing at him:ROFLMAO:

The soles on them were all love hearts as well, i honestly don't know how he didn't notice. Maybe the job interview was just an excuse...:eek:

Thats a peach Calum pal. Props. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
 

Richybhoy

Well-known member
#57
Mrs Richybhoy ( who is American) was getting a taxi to work in Dundee when the Open Golf was on at Carnoustie. The driver says to her," I just had some Americans in my taxi going to the golf. We stopped at traffic lights, which started to beep". One of the passengers asked the taxi driver, " sir, could you tell me what that beeping is?". The driver replied, " it is to let blind people know the lights have changed" The American passenger thought about it for a minute then said, " sir, in America we don't let blind people drive". Still makes us laugh everytime.
Hail Hail
Rich
 

Maria

Well-known member
#58
Mrs Richybhoy ( who is American) was getting a taxi to work in Dundee when the Open Golf was on at Carnoustie. The driver says to her," I just had some Americans in my taxi going to the golf. We stopped at traffic lights, which started to beep". One of the passengers asked the taxi driver, " sir, could you tell me what that beeping is?". The driver replied, " it is to let blind people know the lights have changed" The American passenger thought about it for a minute then said, " sir, in America we don't let blind people drive". Still makes us laugh everytime.
Hail Hail
Rich

Haha, americans eh?

I was moaning about all those little raised bumps on the pavement at kerbs.

Not conducive to heels and bloody sore.

Didn’t know they were for blind people πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Happily take the annoyance of them now πŸ™ƒ
 

kelly

Well-known member
#59
Midnight mass in ireland and preist giving it ''this time of year the poor and the lonely '' when up jumps an old fella ..''not this pish again i came here for some rest from all that'' and storms out

was a you needed to be there but funny as fk ,turns out he was not right as had an accident when he was young and tended to say things loud and at the wrong time
 
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