We can all use a laugh

DILLIGAF

Well-known member
A husband and wife were grocery shopping. He picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife. They continue shopping. Later on, she puts a $20 jar of face cream in the basket. "What are you doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. He said, "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."
That's him in Aisle 5!Clean up in aisle 5.jpg
 

26+6=1

Well-known member
Wife asks husband for £3000 to get a boob job and he says no, there's no need to spend that kind of money.
"why's that?" she says but he just goes into the bathroom and comes out with a toilet roll and hands it to her.
"what am I supposed to do with that?" she says
"tear bits off and rub them up and down between your cleavage" he says
"how the fuck is that going ot make my boobs bigger" she says
"look at the job it did on yer arse".
 

lennono

Well-known member
Twa hun's have behaving no bad in Castle Greyskull so the warden that looks efter the dafties....lets them oot fur the day...but tells them tae stay away fae the toons and peepulll…. So they bith decide tae gan awo intae the country....Wan o them says 'Lets play shops' The ither hun says 'aye, guid idea'....I'll be the shop keeper ...he says...aye ok and they pull an auld tree trunk over into a field for the shop counter....Hun Wan approaches the counter and says A half loave please......Hun Twa says....Wait yer turn, and get tae the bak o the que......Hun Wan gans aw the way doon tae the bottom of the field, walks aw the way back up and says 'A half loave please' Hun Twa says 'What did a fuckin tell ye...Get tae the back o the que'....Hun wan walks aw the way back doon again then back up again....A haf Loave please....Right that's it......drags him over the counter and kicks fuck oot o him.....Hun Wan then runs aw the way back to Greyskull and complains tae the Warden......'FFS the Warden says....What happened to you! ….'I got kicked fucked oot o' he says.....Who by....I dinny ken, there wiz too many folk in the shop
 

The Deadner

Well-known member
Paralympic 100m freestyle swimming.
Lane 1. Man missing one leg.
Lane 2. Man missing one leg and one arm.
Lane 3. Man missing two legs.
Lane 4. Man missing two arms.
Lane 5. Man missing two arms and two legs
Lane 6. A head.
The gun goes off and they all dive into the pool. They all swim away, except the head. It sinks to they bottom. After about twenty seconds the lifeguard jumps in and pulls it out and does mouth to mouth to revive it.
A while later the head was being interviewed for tv. The reporter asks "what happened"?
The head replies " I took a fuckin cramp"!
 

The Shamrock

Well-known member
2 Beagles in the animal testing laboratory are chatting and one says to the other 'how do you fancy going out on the town tonight? I've seen where there's a hole in the fence and this daft lab technician leaves the cages open at night aw the time'. The second Beagle says 'great, I'm right up for that'. So later on they creep out, fill their faces in all the middens, shag every bitch that's on heat and enjoy a rammy with some local mongrels. The second Beagle says 'let's get back hame noo' but the other one says 'whit, we've got freedom noo and can spend the rest of oor lives humping bitches and eating til we burst and you want to go back, are ye daft?' 'Naw said the second Beagle but I'm dying for a fkn fag'.
 

The Deadner

Well-known member
Three blondes walking in the Australian outback. They come on a set of tracks. The first blonde says "I recognise them tracks, they're kangaroo tracks". The second blonde says "you're wrong, they're goanna tracks".
The third blonde got hit by a train!
 

26+6=1

Well-known member
Three blondes walking in the Australian outback. They come on a set of tracks. The first blonde says "I recognise them tracks, they're kangaroo tracks". The second blonde says "you're wrong, they're goanna tracks".
The third blonde got hit by a train!
Two lucky bushmen.
 
Top