We can all use a laugh

Businessman goes home every weekend to his country cottage after working 80 hr week in the city.
Tells the wife he’s knackered, goin for a bath and str8 to bed.
She says she’ll join him.
Next thing there’s these big knocks on the door, they wake up with a fright, he looks at the clock..2.30 in the morning!
He’s ragin..who the fuck is bangin on our door at this time in the middle of nowhere??
Down he gies and opens the door, there’s a bloke standing….what you wanting he says….can you give me a push the man asks?
A push he shouts..a fuckin push? Av worked like a dog aw week and ur chappin ma door in the middle of the fuckin nite lookin for a push?? Get yersel hunted he shouts and slams the door…he stomps back up to bed gets in and puts the light out.
Who was it asks the wife..?
Ach some eejit wantin a push..told him to beat it….
She says, och…mind that time u got a puncture in the lashin rain and a nice man stopped n changed the wheel for u cos u didny know how??
After a wee bit of silence he jumps up slippers on and stomps back doon the stairs and opens the door..
Pitch black ootside, he shouts “ u still there?”
Aye…gets shouted back.
You still needin a push the man asks…
Aye gets shouted back.
Right..ok he says, its pitch black oot here, where are you?
Am over here….on the swing…..
 
I was driving pass the local park, when I noticed a couple of guys in rangers top
playing footbal with a cat.
I was going to phone the police till I found out the cat was winning 2-1
…………….

Being a cheaty cat it would fit in well…
 

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