has nobody got anything personal that they or people they know have embarrassed themselves that wid be funnier try n lighten the mood wee bit I will start when I was bout 12 my mum was talking about wit to make for dinner and she mentioned fry up way tattiescones and i blurted oot wit are tattiescones made from never lived that doon idiot lol
Paddy wanted to become an Australian. So he went to the worlds leading brain surgeon.
" what will it take to make me Australian"? Paddy asked the surgeon.
The surgeon replied "seeing you're Irish, I'll have to remove 50 % of your brain".
"Fuck it, go ahead and book me in for the surgery".
The surgery went ahead and when paddy cam around the surgeon was there.
He said "I've good news and bad news paddy. The good news is that you came through the surgery ok. The bad news is, I've accidentally removed 75% of your brain by mistake.
Paddy stuck up his two thumbs and replied "luvly juvly"
An elephant gets caught in a poachers net and is entangled for a couple of days when a mouse comes skipping by. Even thought the elephant is scared shitless of the mouse, he plucks up the courage and asks the mouse for help. "What's in it for me"? asks the mouse. "I'll do anything you want" said the mouse.
So the mouse replies "can I shag ye"?
"OK"said the elephant.
So the mouse chews the net until the elephant gets free.
"What about that shag"said the mouse.
So the elephant lifts him up on his back and the mouse gets hooked in.
The mouse is goin away hammer and tongs and the elephant just continues on, on his way, forgetting the mouse is even there.
A coconut falls from a tree hitting the elephant on the head causing the elephant to let out an almighty groan. To which the mouse responds "suffer baby suffer"!
This is actually a true story.
Years ago, I was living in Australia and I was working with two Aussie blokes. One of them was a fucker for shouting abuse at people on the street. One mornin we were headin to work in the van when we approached a bus shelter with an oul one standing outside it waiting on the bus. She was wearing a long loose sorta dress. Yer man shouts out the window "show us yer tits love". The oul one just lifted the dress and she had no underwear on and shouted "how's that love".
The driver nearly wrecked the fuckin van.