Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v JABBERWOCKY
Sponsored Advert:
Coming to a Sevco Shop near you this Xmas! -
A new Hi-tech Betamax tape release commemorating
Sevco's epic inaugral Champions League campaign
this season!
Watch! -
As El Fluffalo scroes a wonder goal with his
favoured chicken-wings hand to edge ahead of
Davie Dodds in the All-Time Ugly Hun Bastard
scoring charts!
Watch! -
As overpaid bottle-merchants con 50,000
spewing orange gimps into purchasing XXXL
effete lilac pinafores!
Watch! -
As care-in-the-community co-operative
performing arts troupe The Onion Brigade
lead the unforgettable rousing full-time
chrous of condemnation that could be heard
across Glasgow.
Watch! -
As Jan Dahl Tomasson's smile lights up
sections of Mordor that have known only
darkness, and sends fizzing bigots
scrambling into the shadows.
Order your copy NOW! Don't miss out on:
"Thanks For The Malmories".
ROXIE HART - 7.5/10
A curtain call before a full house. Does
it get any better for a seasoned pro, or
even an ambitious showgirl?
Would she show some class in such a gala
occasion? Man, those saves; world class
stops right there to evoke memories of
The Wall.
Then channeled Barkas to fluff under
pressure, although let's nail it right
here - she was barged off the ball;
a certain foul.
Gentlemen, we have a proper big bastard
goalie to save the skins. Now, go pump
those Huns thoroughly.
TONY THE TIGER - 6.5/10
We've had the Maradona, the Bergkamp -
could he possibly add to his Phoenix
From The Flames great goalscorer
re-enactments?
Nope, never got near their box but
did manage a fine tribute to the
Zidane '06 headbutt with a dizzying
clash first half.
All in, their tricky winger kept him
busy and harnessed to his primary
task, which he did well. Great defensive
header from the deep, in the second
half.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 7.5/10
Hot like a microwaved coffee from his
shops. "There's yer Frappalattecinno.."
Less hesitancy than ever before saw
him bursting forward with intent. Great
play to set up Eddie T for the opener.
Appeared to have the right mindset for
a change. Got the job done without the
usual crippling deliberation.
Probably his finest game in the Hoops.
STARLORD - 7.5/10
No real test on Sunday, so tonight saw
his mettle laid out for a fullish house
examination.
Handled pressure well, was crisp and
alert with his passing, good read on their
breaks too.
Marvellous goal-saving block at 2-0 to cap
his galactic night off.
RAQUEL - 7/10
This new hairstyle's working for Vogue,
and us.
Seems able to see the ball better and her
interception rate was top notch - managed
to get a block, nick, heid or boot on
anything slung into our box.
Missed one at the other end she should have
hit the target with.
CALMAC - 7.5/10
Captain Duracell has approached this new,
and now vital, season with a new battery
pack which at times seemed atomic-powered
as he gathered deep and burst into life.
Almost yet another exemplary perfomance...
Crazy passback to put Roxie in trouble.
But I suppose we got to see the best of
her becasue of it.
That's Calmac - he's a school of excellence
in himself.
ROGIC - 7.5/10
The swagman with the swagger. And to think
I'd written him off as one of the leavers.
Not for Oz - he's staying on like a school
sixth year who knows there's going to be more
spare when the apprenctices and shiftless
have bailed out.
Those sublime big antipodean feet are a
lesson in excellence, gliding out of trouble
into open waters like a barracuda slipping a
big white on the Great Barrier.
An hour of Socceroo enlightenment to savour.
And more to come.
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 7/10
Is he the resurrection. Who rolled away the
stone? If he could've rolled the ball with
a little more composure we'd have scored ten,
but his final touch was off.
Will he stay, will he go? Not sure, but as
The Maestro might observe, there's a buzz
about him.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 8.5/10 MOTM
Takes him a month to warm up, and that's in
summer. We need antifreeze for the coming
winter.
Yet, this was the silken best we knew he was
capable of. Influencing a big-ish game.
Against a side better than most of the SPL
(Yes, slow-reading Huns, I might be talking
about you too...)
He can do things with the outside of his
boot that should be on the specials menu
at a top-class brothel.
His two goals were extremes of beauty, the
casual slip and the slashing strike across
the ball. There's an elite player in there
waiting to emerge. Keep him focussed.
JAMESY - 7/10
Now ye're talking! - buzzing Jamesy put
in the longest warm-up in history as he
surreptitiously counted the targets - sorry,
burds - in the capacity crowd.
And it paid off. I didn't see exactly what
happened right after he scored, but it was
telling enough that he only had one arm in
the air to celebrate, and three people were
stretchered out of the front row minutes
later - two girls in a state of shock
and a guy with a misbegotten smile fixed
on his face.
MR.KOBAYASHI - 7/10
This being Glasgow, and Celtic having a
burgeoning superstar from the far East
- our Green Rising Son (see what I did
there, flag pun fans?) - it's only natural
to see three wee boys running about near
the stadium dressed in their sisters'
kimonos and wielding Samurai swords
(available now at the Barras' 'exotic
ornament' stall, kids...).
Readymade answer when challenged by
armed cops: "Kyogo, mister, innit?"
And you put on a 18/1 bet on Jamesy,
Turnbull, and Mr.Kobayashi all scoring
and you know there's one certainty in
that trio...
NO!
Damn the Gods, he did everything but
put it in the net, foiled by a fine
goalkeeper and a blind fucking linesman
who doesn't know the offside rule.
Never mind - watching his Larsson-esque
perpetual motion is satisfying in itself.
Subarashi, Kyogo San.
SUBS:
FENCH EDDY - 6/10
An impactful cameo by the slaloming
superstar - impetuous dink which fell
for Jamesy, plenty of movement.
THE YETI - N/A
Appears to have been shaved. Or maybe
just lost a few pounds.
MAN OF - N/A
Getting a feel for the Euro arena, because
we'll need his resistance against the Dutch.
FIELD MARSHALL - 6.5/10
Game kid, dished out the big sticks and
took a yellow for it. Then that hairstlye
impersonated Messi for a great run that
deserved a goal.
ANITA DOBSON - 8/10
Angeball taking hold, the support warming
to it - bar the Danish mishap there's an air
of expectation gathering as well.
He's only a few results from being lauded,
an acceleration from General of the legions
to Caesar within a very short space of time.
We hope he's smart enough to keep his own
expectations on an even keel, heid doon and
focussed. I think he might be. Tonight was
a character and professionalism test.
Cracked it, mayte.
OVERALL - 8/10
Did we really need to play? It's been such
a satisfying week of soccerball so far, I
almost forgot I was going to be sitting
behind Hart, yelling 'Roxie!' at him just
for the fun of it.
Perplexed, was how I'd describe the first
glance. Then 'ignored'...
Aside, he'd a few moments of brilliant
involvement that interrupted the entertainment
in the stands. Which was the tone of the night;
How the masses enjoyed themselves in Paradise
once more. A sight -and sound - to behold
Everything went as smoothly as we'd hoped -
Jabberywocky soundly contained and put to
the sword, the team given another 90 minutes
to get familiar and match-fitter.
So after a year of mostly grim misery on
and off the footbll park, suddenly comes
a week of hope and schadenfreude thanks
to Dundee's teams, Jaberwocky and former
pests turned Swedish porn superstars, Malmo.
Appearing together like two late buses
laden with tits and wine (Or knobs,
ladies/rainbow supporters...It's actually
just a Game Of Thrones expression ), the
Hun implosion was iced by a vibrant Celtic
resurgence that continued this evening.
We have rediscovered dynamism and
tempo and hunger. The Holy Trinity shall
not be denied.
Go Away Now
Sandman
Sponsored Advert:
Coming to a Sevco Shop near you this Xmas! -
A new Hi-tech Betamax tape release commemorating
Sevco's epic inaugral Champions League campaign
this season!
Watch! -
As El Fluffalo scroes a wonder goal with his
favoured chicken-wings hand to edge ahead of
Davie Dodds in the All-Time Ugly Hun Bastard
scoring charts!
Watch! -
As overpaid bottle-merchants con 50,000
spewing orange gimps into purchasing XXXL
effete lilac pinafores!
Watch! -
As care-in-the-community co-operative
performing arts troupe The Onion Brigade
lead the unforgettable rousing full-time
chrous of condemnation that could be heard
across Glasgow.
Watch! -
As Jan Dahl Tomasson's smile lights up
sections of Mordor that have known only
darkness, and sends fizzing bigots
scrambling into the shadows.
Order your copy NOW! Don't miss out on:
"Thanks For The Malmories".
ROXIE HART - 7.5/10
A curtain call before a full house. Does
it get any better for a seasoned pro, or
even an ambitious showgirl?
Would she show some class in such a gala
occasion? Man, those saves; world class
stops right there to evoke memories of
The Wall.
Then channeled Barkas to fluff under
pressure, although let's nail it right
here - she was barged off the ball;
a certain foul.
Gentlemen, we have a proper big bastard
goalie to save the skins. Now, go pump
those Huns thoroughly.
TONY THE TIGER - 6.5/10
We've had the Maradona, the Bergkamp -
could he possibly add to his Phoenix
From The Flames great goalscorer
re-enactments?
Nope, never got near their box but
did manage a fine tribute to the
Zidane '06 headbutt with a dizzying
clash first half.
All in, their tricky winger kept him
busy and harnessed to his primary
task, which he did well. Great defensive
header from the deep, in the second
half.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 7.5/10
Hot like a microwaved coffee from his
shops. "There's yer Frappalattecinno.."
Less hesitancy than ever before saw
him bursting forward with intent. Great
play to set up Eddie T for the opener.
Appeared to have the right mindset for
a change. Got the job done without the
usual crippling deliberation.
Probably his finest game in the Hoops.
STARLORD - 7.5/10
No real test on Sunday, so tonight saw
his mettle laid out for a fullish house
examination.
Handled pressure well, was crisp and
alert with his passing, good read on their
breaks too.
Marvellous goal-saving block at 2-0 to cap
his galactic night off.
RAQUEL - 7/10
This new hairstyle's working for Vogue,
and us.
Seems able to see the ball better and her
interception rate was top notch - managed
to get a block, nick, heid or boot on
anything slung into our box.
Missed one at the other end she should have
hit the target with.
CALMAC - 7.5/10
Captain Duracell has approached this new,
and now vital, season with a new battery
pack which at times seemed atomic-powered
as he gathered deep and burst into life.
Almost yet another exemplary perfomance...
Crazy passback to put Roxie in trouble.
But I suppose we got to see the best of
her becasue of it.
That's Calmac - he's a school of excellence
in himself.
ROGIC - 7.5/10
The swagman with the swagger. And to think
I'd written him off as one of the leavers.
Not for Oz - he's staying on like a school
sixth year who knows there's going to be more
spare when the apprenctices and shiftless
have bailed out.
Those sublime big antipodean feet are a
lesson in excellence, gliding out of trouble
into open waters like a barracuda slipping a
big white on the Great Barrier.
An hour of Socceroo enlightenment to savour.
And more to come.
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 7/10
Is he the resurrection. Who rolled away the
stone? If he could've rolled the ball with
a little more composure we'd have scored ten,
but his final touch was off.
Will he stay, will he go? Not sure, but as
The Maestro might observe, there's a buzz
about him.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 8.5/10 MOTM
Takes him a month to warm up, and that's in
summer. We need antifreeze for the coming
winter.
Yet, this was the silken best we knew he was
capable of. Influencing a big-ish game.
Against a side better than most of the SPL
(Yes, slow-reading Huns, I might be talking
about you too...)
He can do things with the outside of his
boot that should be on the specials menu
at a top-class brothel.
His two goals were extremes of beauty, the
casual slip and the slashing strike across
the ball. There's an elite player in there
waiting to emerge. Keep him focussed.
JAMESY - 7/10
Now ye're talking! - buzzing Jamesy put
in the longest warm-up in history as he
surreptitiously counted the targets - sorry,
burds - in the capacity crowd.
And it paid off. I didn't see exactly what
happened right after he scored, but it was
telling enough that he only had one arm in
the air to celebrate, and three people were
stretchered out of the front row minutes
later - two girls in a state of shock
and a guy with a misbegotten smile fixed
on his face.
MR.KOBAYASHI - 7/10
This being Glasgow, and Celtic having a
burgeoning superstar from the far East
- our Green Rising Son (see what I did
there, flag pun fans?) - it's only natural
to see three wee boys running about near
the stadium dressed in their sisters'
kimonos and wielding Samurai swords
(available now at the Barras' 'exotic
ornament' stall, kids...).
Readymade answer when challenged by
armed cops: "Kyogo, mister, innit?"
And you put on a 18/1 bet on Jamesy,
Turnbull, and Mr.Kobayashi all scoring
and you know there's one certainty in
that trio...
NO!
Damn the Gods, he did everything but
put it in the net, foiled by a fine
goalkeeper and a blind fucking linesman
who doesn't know the offside rule.
Never mind - watching his Larsson-esque
perpetual motion is satisfying in itself.
Subarashi, Kyogo San.
SUBS:
FENCH EDDY - 6/10
An impactful cameo by the slaloming
superstar - impetuous dink which fell
for Jamesy, plenty of movement.
THE YETI - N/A
Appears to have been shaved. Or maybe
just lost a few pounds.
MAN OF - N/A
Getting a feel for the Euro arena, because
we'll need his resistance against the Dutch.
FIELD MARSHALL - 6.5/10
Game kid, dished out the big sticks and
took a yellow for it. Then that hairstlye
impersonated Messi for a great run that
deserved a goal.
ANITA DOBSON - 8/10
Angeball taking hold, the support warming
to it - bar the Danish mishap there's an air
of expectation gathering as well.
He's only a few results from being lauded,
an acceleration from General of the legions
to Caesar within a very short space of time.
We hope he's smart enough to keep his own
expectations on an even keel, heid doon and
focussed. I think he might be. Tonight was
a character and professionalism test.
Cracked it, mayte.
OVERALL - 8/10
Did we really need to play? It's been such
a satisfying week of soccerball so far, I
almost forgot I was going to be sitting
behind Hart, yelling 'Roxie!' at him just
for the fun of it.
Perplexed, was how I'd describe the first
glance. Then 'ignored'...
Aside, he'd a few moments of brilliant
involvement that interrupted the entertainment
in the stands. Which was the tone of the night;
How the masses enjoyed themselves in Paradise
once more. A sight -and sound - to behold
Everything went as smoothly as we'd hoped -
Jabberywocky soundly contained and put to
the sword, the team given another 90 minutes
to get familiar and match-fitter.
So after a year of mostly grim misery on
and off the footbll park, suddenly comes
a week of hope and schadenfreude thanks
to Dundee's teams, Jaberwocky and former
pests turned Swedish porn superstars, Malmo.
Appearing together like two late buses
laden with tits and wine (Or knobs,
ladies/rainbow supporters...It's actually
just a Game Of Thrones expression ), the
Hun implosion was iced by a vibrant Celtic
resurgence that continued this evening.
We have rediscovered dynamism and
tempo and hunger. The Holy Trinity shall
not be denied.
Go Away Now
Sandman
)
