Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v PERTH RANCH HANDS
“You don't get explanations in real life. You just get
moments that are absolutely, utterly, inexplicably odd.”
Neil Gaiman
B.A.BARKAS - WTF?/10
Another game, another saveless 90. Another picking oot net
and booting it exercise. Not sure if he's pants or pointless;
we could almost play without a goalie sometimes.
BITTON - 5/10
Save of the season after ten minutes. Barkas hates him. Always
cool and composed but verging on slack as the urgency around
him evaporated second half.
JULLIEN CLARY - 5.5/10
Good to see him back. and thta wa sabout it. Impact he usually
carries still absent until he's 100%, and it might be too late
by then.
AJER - 5/10
A lumbering presence as ever but not making the impact we needed
today with his forays into their half. Embodies the support's thoughts
with his constantly-bemused onfield scowl.
PINGPONG - 2/10
What happened wee mhan. From tearing up the Milanese sophisticats
to meekly cowed by the coo-farmers. That was, as they say in
Italian, 'Pish'.
CALMAC - 5/10
300th appearance and eventually captain trying to steer a rudderless
ship. But his vital influence is far from present for the 90 this
season and it's telling...
BROON - 6/10
600th appearance and only 599 questioned by armchair Steins since
his debut. Abused early on today for his rainbow flag armband being
'too gay'. Celebrated early by eliminating dangerous soul-traitor
O'Hunnaron from the game. Generally a Broon-esque performance, doing
his designated job.
DREXL - 4/10
Spent his time attempting to bage down a crowded alley before chucking
it for a house party with gang-bangers at half-time.
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 6.5/10 MOTM
Sometimes it's the Strictly audition from Corpus with lovely dancing
feet, but as we struggled late on, he did produce, laying on the goal,
gettign in among it. Sadly, he was tango-ing without a partner
ROGIC - 6/10
Lovely footballer, can't head for shit. Missed that sitter with
his head but once more looked our best can-opener; however we drip-fed
him service in the right areas and not surprisingly our chances dried
up before his energy dissipated.
FRENCH EDDY - 4/10
An Eddy special was missed after 20 minutes and the teeth-grinding
began. If he's not in the groove we struggle because the paltry amount
of chances we're currently creating mostly fall to him.
SUBS:
GREGSS THE BAKER - 5/10
On at half-time because it's Sunday and the ovens shut down early.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6.5/10
Almost immediate impact as his old bones defied the cold and he clipped
in a sweet ball to create a chance. Then saw Lon Chaney Jr swat away his
deflected strike.
ELSHAGYONLASSIE - 6/10
On. Touch. Goal. Fair enough.
GRIFF - 5/10
We've won! Knew it as soon as he appeared. No, we didn't.
LENNONY - 4/10
"Who's that in the Celtic dugoot?'
'The wee ginger guy? He's the one that was supposed to leave last week'
And so the insufferable incumbent antagonised the twitterati twatterati
haters out of their Sunday fugues by adaciously selecting a team.
And what a team it was... Not one anyone could really argue with but
again it looked directionless and that essential element was strangely
elusive - the verve that champions possess.
Does that come from the boss? Should he expect it from his players?
He's certainly tried enough of them in various combinations, but
he'slike a blind safecracker who's tripped the alarm timer. Only resort
left is to throw in Pistol Pete and Dick Dastardly. But I feel they'll
be actively searching for a different henchman now to save them from the angry
mob.
OVERALL - 2/10
So as the Huns rampage in the frozen north, the angst of the
Celtic support ratches up as we approach a game where even
the three points won't be enough - it'd take a dozen-point
bonus to lower everyone's blood pressure. But that's what
the Huns get with their penalty allocation this season so
The Hoops better suck it up and get it together because at
this rate the Huns won't need any penalties.
The most difficult task in football these days seems to be
kicking-off, somehow managed around a copuple of hours of
virtue signalling. Once we got going after satisfying the
social justice warriors 'nice' ratio, the Bhoys had more
trouble with the Saints first twenty minutes than AC Milan.
To be fair we did look as every bit as dangerous as we did
in the San Siro, but only to ourselves.
Acid test was today; these players have somehow become soft
and vulnerable and desperate - a crucial game pussied away,
a vital three points frittered and surrendered, their chance
to make history almost consigned to the bin. You're not Celtic
any more. Man the barricades.
Sandman. Go Away Now. Like The TEN.
“You don't get explanations in real life. You just get
moments that are absolutely, utterly, inexplicably odd.”
Neil Gaiman
B.A.BARKAS - WTF?/10
Another game, another saveless 90. Another picking oot net
and booting it exercise. Not sure if he's pants or pointless;
we could almost play without a goalie sometimes.
BITTON - 5/10
Save of the season after ten minutes. Barkas hates him. Always
cool and composed but verging on slack as the urgency around
him evaporated second half.
JULLIEN CLARY - 5.5/10
Good to see him back. and thta wa sabout it. Impact he usually
carries still absent until he's 100%, and it might be too late
by then.
AJER - 5/10
A lumbering presence as ever but not making the impact we needed
today with his forays into their half. Embodies the support's thoughts
with his constantly-bemused onfield scowl.
PINGPONG - 2/10
What happened wee mhan. From tearing up the Milanese sophisticats
to meekly cowed by the coo-farmers. That was, as they say in
Italian, 'Pish'.
CALMAC - 5/10
300th appearance and eventually captain trying to steer a rudderless
ship. But his vital influence is far from present for the 90 this
season and it's telling...
BROON - 6/10
600th appearance and only 599 questioned by armchair Steins since
his debut. Abused early on today for his rainbow flag armband being
'too gay'. Celebrated early by eliminating dangerous soul-traitor
O'Hunnaron from the game. Generally a Broon-esque performance, doing
his designated job.
DREXL - 4/10
Spent his time attempting to bage down a crowded alley before chucking
it for a house party with gang-bangers at half-time.
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 6.5/10 MOTM
Sometimes it's the Strictly audition from Corpus with lovely dancing
feet, but as we struggled late on, he did produce, laying on the goal,
gettign in among it. Sadly, he was tango-ing without a partner
ROGIC - 6/10
Lovely footballer, can't head for shit. Missed that sitter with
his head but once more looked our best can-opener; however we drip-fed
him service in the right areas and not surprisingly our chances dried
up before his energy dissipated.
FRENCH EDDY - 4/10
An Eddy special was missed after 20 minutes and the teeth-grinding
began. If he's not in the groove we struggle because the paltry amount
of chances we're currently creating mostly fall to him.
SUBS:
GREGSS THE BAKER - 5/10
On at half-time because it's Sunday and the ovens shut down early.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6.5/10
Almost immediate impact as his old bones defied the cold and he clipped
in a sweet ball to create a chance. Then saw Lon Chaney Jr swat away his
deflected strike.
ELSHAGYONLASSIE - 6/10
On. Touch. Goal. Fair enough.
GRIFF - 5/10
We've won! Knew it as soon as he appeared. No, we didn't.
LENNONY - 4/10
"Who's that in the Celtic dugoot?'
'The wee ginger guy? He's the one that was supposed to leave last week'
And so the insufferable incumbent antagonised the twitterati twatterati
haters out of their Sunday fugues by adaciously selecting a team.
And what a team it was... Not one anyone could really argue with but
again it looked directionless and that essential element was strangely
elusive - the verve that champions possess.
Does that come from the boss? Should he expect it from his players?
He's certainly tried enough of them in various combinations, but
he'slike a blind safecracker who's tripped the alarm timer. Only resort
left is to throw in Pistol Pete and Dick Dastardly. But I feel they'll
be actively searching for a different henchman now to save them from the angry
mob.
OVERALL - 2/10
So as the Huns rampage in the frozen north, the angst of the
Celtic support ratches up as we approach a game where even
the three points won't be enough - it'd take a dozen-point
bonus to lower everyone's blood pressure. But that's what
the Huns get with their penalty allocation this season so
The Hoops better suck it up and get it together because at
this rate the Huns won't need any penalties.
The most difficult task in football these days seems to be
kicking-off, somehow managed around a copuple of hours of
virtue signalling. Once we got going after satisfying the
social justice warriors 'nice' ratio, the Bhoys had more
trouble with the Saints first twenty minutes than AC Milan.
To be fair we did look as every bit as dangerous as we did
in the San Siro, but only to ourselves.
Acid test was today; these players have somehow become soft
and vulnerable and desperate - a crucial game pussied away,
a vital three points frittered and surrendered, their chance
to make history almost consigned to the bin. You're not Celtic
any more. Man the barricades.
Sandman. Go Away Now. Like The TEN.
