Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v SPECTRAL DUGS
"So to sum up the Celtic annual financial results without
going into too much fiscal detail - we can basically buy
and sell the Huns ten times over."
Ian Bankier, Celtic chariman.
ROXIE - 6/10
Another footwork exercise for our animated cosmetics
billboard in nets. Amused himself by initiating shuttle
sprints for Raquel with hanging passes, looked most
likely of all our team to make a decent pass for long
spells of the game.
TONY THE TIGER - 5.5/10
Scrappy Doo in a hooped jersey. Tony doesn't mind
these contests as the lack of finesse brings out
the tiger in him. Battered his way through proceedings,
but still more careless with his use of the ball than
we've come to expect.
GET CARTER - 5.5/10
Ginormous pec masquerades as bicep for SMSM non-pen
frenzy. No way was simping MIB giving it for fear
of nightmares every time his doorbell goes.
The big mhan glowered his way through that incident
and the rest of a Sunday slog looking as bored as
the rest of us before giving way to returning NBA
star.
RAQUEL - 5.5/10
Introduced to the advertising hoardings by way of
a wild slash warranting no card, but let's not
dwell on that when there's a moob conceding a penalty
to whine about. Raquel recovered her glamour and made
a professional fist of it.
OF JUSTICE - 6/10
Well, the bhoy laced it like a 1970s comic-strip
hero and rattled the rigging. Not a bad way to liven
up a forgettable match. Slack as everyone else
around that, however; looked full of promise but his
game slipped into the malaise and lost precision and
urgency; needs to work on his final ball.
BLOCKCHAIN - 7.5/10 MOTM
Thankfully, someone on it like the skipper he was.
Effectively consistent, and thank Yoda for that.
Picking passes and coolly efficient with his
positioning and defensive midfield tasks. He'll
slice you open or slice you up, artist or assassin.
Also provided the comdey highlight of the day with
his bump-and-run penalty rebound; Links golf special.
HAKUNA HATATE - 6.5/10
An interesting side to the Oriental Iniesta - workrate
when things were 'meh'. The wee mhan dug in and worked
back and tried to lift the game as we toiled. Kept his
play neat and tidy and reined in the expansive passes
until the ship was steadier.
ROGIC - 6/10
Looked to be a memorable afternoon of wizardry and
magic in the offing with the way he started the game.
But despite gilding a dreary day with some deft footwork,
his influence faded as the system faltered around him.
JAMESY - 4/10
Well the rain dampened his quiff and his ardour. To be
fair, we seemed averse to playing Jamesy in, preferring
to head left. How'd that work out all first half?
By the time Jamesy got frustrated enough to try and
Maradonna their entire team in their own box mid second-half,
we knew his afternoon was going to be curbed.
SON OF JACKIE - 5.5/10
After he rolled his ankle early, it was shaping up to be
another anonymous outing for the big roughrider. Closed down
and shaken around, denied a one-on-one by a skelly linesbian,
but then, eventually, relief: the finest move of the game,
stretched the space wide open and he finished well, moving
onto Notebook's cut. Great for his confidence.
MIKEY J - 4.5/10
Well, moving into the 90s hasn't changed Mikey's style - he's
still frustrating as ever. Fed like a Morelos at an all-you-can-eat
buffet but still we got no end product; continual breakdown.
Another injury flared and ended his miserable day, and he won't
have enjoyed the contrast in our game when his replacement got to
work.
SUBS:
NOTEBOOK - 7/10
Well, there's lively and there's lively. He entered like
Liam Neeson looking for his daughter, dazzled us with sparkling
footwork, defined the difference between sand-dancing and
Lipizzaner stallion prancing. Another game-winning turn from
the one man we MUST sign this calendar year.
ABADASS - N/A
Replace Jamesy? You're kidding. It's freezing. I'll only go on
if I can wear gloves. Three.
TAMAGOCHI - N/A
'Sit ye doon, honourable Calmac; it is my time to offer sacrifice
to Emperor Postecoglu," he intoned, tying on his headband.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6/10
So they do play heiders and volleys in Japan; you got extra for
scoring like that in the school playground - almost beyond a 'fancy',
managing to edge in a double-heider. A goal that would have elicited
legendary status on the rugged tarmac fantasy Parkheids of childhood.
JULLIEN CLARY - N/A
'Where the fuck have you been, ya lazy big Gallic loafer?' was the
roar - the biggest of the day - as final confirmation came that the
NBA season was done and the big man had been excused Superbowl wide
receiver duty. Welcome back, mon Hunskelper.
ANITA DOBSON - 6/10
Nearly had the alarmed main stand jumping out of their thermal longjohns
when he lost the rag first-half and bellowed at the team like a fucking
pissed T-Rex. Even Ralstonaldo's lip was trembling.
You don't fuck with an Aussie forced to stand in the dreich Scottish
weather and watch his side bumble about. But he got his message across
in the end and got the result, albeit probably using more precious
resources than he wanted to ahead of Thursday.
MIBBERY - 3/10
Well, probably gave the Huns an unexpected Sunday afternoon meltdown
when he missed the chance to give a soft pen; that was balanced by the
utter failure to let Jackie clean through based on an imaginary offside.
All-in, the MIB squad probably knew htey weren't going to facilitate
much in the way of Hun Aid today save letting a few Tims get whacked.
OVERALL - 6/10
It's Valentine's day tomorrow and I heard Raith Rovers were trying to
mark the occasion by signing a convicted rapist. That's romance, Kircaldy
style, folks. Still had me confused though - if they really wanted a
known, effective rapist, then Davie Badboaby aside, the obvious play
was a loan for the Huns beleagured goaltender.
However, they turned up and fair play, made a fist of it, even if they
failed to land any punches. We struggled with boredom as expectations
weren't met and the whole miserable day strained to enthrall until
Notebook entered the fray and quelled any perverted desire they had left
to ruin the sabbath.
We knew this was just one to get out the way with minumal fuss, and it
eventually proved so, although it reminded me I've got the dentist this
week. So onto the last eight and the hope of an easier draw; maybe the
wee debt-ridden scabbies from the south side. They'll be looking for a
big pay-day.
Go Away Now
Sandman.
"So to sum up the Celtic annual financial results without
going into too much fiscal detail - we can basically buy
and sell the Huns ten times over."
Ian Bankier, Celtic chariman.
ROXIE - 6/10
Another footwork exercise for our animated cosmetics
billboard in nets. Amused himself by initiating shuttle
sprints for Raquel with hanging passes, looked most
likely of all our team to make a decent pass for long
spells of the game.
TONY THE TIGER - 5.5/10
Scrappy Doo in a hooped jersey. Tony doesn't mind
these contests as the lack of finesse brings out
the tiger in him. Battered his way through proceedings,
but still more careless with his use of the ball than
we've come to expect.
GET CARTER - 5.5/10
Ginormous pec masquerades as bicep for SMSM non-pen
frenzy. No way was simping MIB giving it for fear
of nightmares every time his doorbell goes.
The big mhan glowered his way through that incident
and the rest of a Sunday slog looking as bored as
the rest of us before giving way to returning NBA
star.
RAQUEL - 5.5/10
Introduced to the advertising hoardings by way of
a wild slash warranting no card, but let's not
dwell on that when there's a moob conceding a penalty
to whine about. Raquel recovered her glamour and made
a professional fist of it.
OF JUSTICE - 6/10
Well, the bhoy laced it like a 1970s comic-strip
hero and rattled the rigging. Not a bad way to liven
up a forgettable match. Slack as everyone else
around that, however; looked full of promise but his
game slipped into the malaise and lost precision and
urgency; needs to work on his final ball.
BLOCKCHAIN - 7.5/10 MOTM
Thankfully, someone on it like the skipper he was.
Effectively consistent, and thank Yoda for that.
Picking passes and coolly efficient with his
positioning and defensive midfield tasks. He'll
slice you open or slice you up, artist or assassin.
Also provided the comdey highlight of the day with
his bump-and-run penalty rebound; Links golf special.
HAKUNA HATATE - 6.5/10
An interesting side to the Oriental Iniesta - workrate
when things were 'meh'. The wee mhan dug in and worked
back and tried to lift the game as we toiled. Kept his
play neat and tidy and reined in the expansive passes
until the ship was steadier.
ROGIC - 6/10
Looked to be a memorable afternoon of wizardry and
magic in the offing with the way he started the game.
But despite gilding a dreary day with some deft footwork,
his influence faded as the system faltered around him.
JAMESY - 4/10
Well the rain dampened his quiff and his ardour. To be
fair, we seemed averse to playing Jamesy in, preferring
to head left. How'd that work out all first half?
By the time Jamesy got frustrated enough to try and
Maradonna their entire team in their own box mid second-half,
we knew his afternoon was going to be curbed.
SON OF JACKIE - 5.5/10
After he rolled his ankle early, it was shaping up to be
another anonymous outing for the big roughrider. Closed down
and shaken around, denied a one-on-one by a skelly linesbian,
but then, eventually, relief: the finest move of the game,
stretched the space wide open and he finished well, moving
onto Notebook's cut. Great for his confidence.
MIKEY J - 4.5/10
Well, moving into the 90s hasn't changed Mikey's style - he's
still frustrating as ever. Fed like a Morelos at an all-you-can-eat
buffet but still we got no end product; continual breakdown.
Another injury flared and ended his miserable day, and he won't
have enjoyed the contrast in our game when his replacement got to
work.
SUBS:
NOTEBOOK - 7/10
Well, there's lively and there's lively. He entered like
Liam Neeson looking for his daughter, dazzled us with sparkling
footwork, defined the difference between sand-dancing and
Lipizzaner stallion prancing. Another game-winning turn from
the one man we MUST sign this calendar year.
ABADASS - N/A
Replace Jamesy? You're kidding. It's freezing. I'll only go on
if I can wear gloves. Three.
TAMAGOCHI - N/A
'Sit ye doon, honourable Calmac; it is my time to offer sacrifice
to Emperor Postecoglu," he intoned, tying on his headband.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6/10
So they do play heiders and volleys in Japan; you got extra for
scoring like that in the school playground - almost beyond a 'fancy',
managing to edge in a double-heider. A goal that would have elicited
legendary status on the rugged tarmac fantasy Parkheids of childhood.
JULLIEN CLARY - N/A
'Where the fuck have you been, ya lazy big Gallic loafer?' was the
roar - the biggest of the day - as final confirmation came that the
NBA season was done and the big man had been excused Superbowl wide
receiver duty. Welcome back, mon Hunskelper.
ANITA DOBSON - 6/10
Nearly had the alarmed main stand jumping out of their thermal longjohns
when he lost the rag first-half and bellowed at the team like a fucking
pissed T-Rex. Even Ralstonaldo's lip was trembling.
You don't fuck with an Aussie forced to stand in the dreich Scottish
weather and watch his side bumble about. But he got his message across
in the end and got the result, albeit probably using more precious
resources than he wanted to ahead of Thursday.
MIBBERY - 3/10
Well, probably gave the Huns an unexpected Sunday afternoon meltdown
when he missed the chance to give a soft pen; that was balanced by the
utter failure to let Jackie clean through based on an imaginary offside.
All-in, the MIB squad probably knew htey weren't going to facilitate
much in the way of Hun Aid today save letting a few Tims get whacked.
OVERALL - 6/10
It's Valentine's day tomorrow and I heard Raith Rovers were trying to
mark the occasion by signing a convicted rapist. That's romance, Kircaldy
style, folks. Still had me confused though - if they really wanted a
known, effective rapist, then Davie Badboaby aside, the obvious play
was a loan for the Huns beleagured goaltender.
However, they turned up and fair play, made a fist of it, even if they
failed to land any punches. We struggled with boredom as expectations
weren't met and the whole miserable day strained to enthrall until
Notebook entered the fray and quelled any perverted desire they had left
to ruin the sabbath.
We knew this was just one to get out the way with minumal fuss, and it
eventually proved so, although it reminded me I've got the dentist this
week. So onto the last eight and the hope of an easier draw; maybe the
wee debt-ridden scabbies from the south side. They'll be looking for a
big pay-day.
Go Away Now
Sandman.
