Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v STAG PARTY WHORES
"Give Celtic that penalty, HAL."
'I'm sorry Dave, I can't do that.'
"You're working just fine, HAL..."
'Thank you, Dave. I have a feeling
I'll be a lot more involved in matches
now.'
- deleted scene from 2001: A Space Odyssey
ROXIE - 7/10
The footwork of a veteran showgirl. Deft and
accurate and no-nonsense when required.
One smart save to make, no chance with their
pen, extra point for giving the wee degenerate
with the whistle a mouthful at full-time.
TONY THE TIGER - 7/10
The Ralstonado in full flight. Too full - made an
arse of every delivery, that set the tone for the
rest of our attempts.
But... Even if that side of his game let him down,
the ferocious and combative Tiger bared his teeth
to hem them back and defend like a magnificent
bastard when they charged forward through tired
limbs at the death.
BIG MERCEDES - N/A
"Look at me, look at me - I am an ethereal being
conjoured from the astral plane as I float around
this dressing room, bestowing virtue upon you all..."
'Sit doon, Moritz, ya daft cunt, ye're concussed.'
GET CARTER - 7.5/10
Harry Kane, thy will be done. Gearing up for smashing
the EPL fannies with a rough and ready joust against
Heelan' berserkers.
Won everything, thundered forward when he could,
drove us at them through fatigue. 'Mon the USA!
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA - 7/10
Well, this kid looks game, and like he has game.
Memories of '86 in the Azteca when he ran 70 yards
with the ball to turn defence into attack.
Played the inverted nipple role perfectly - turning
up like a Latin Bobby Lennox in the inside-left position
more than left back. Great feet, and touch - exciting
prospect.
THE BUILDER - 7.5/10
Matty the monster. Quiet promising baller from MK Dons
turns into CM dominant beast in under a year.
Watch him fire up the Bhoys off the ball.
Watch him win digging tackles in crucial areas.
Watch the feet and passing ability, like Tiger Woods
punching a nine-iron.
So far, every game he's deputised for Calmac has been a
game we've hardly noticed the Main Mhan was missing.
No better compliment. What a player, what a find.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6.5/10
Daft old bastard. Just as I was bemoaning his hesitant
checkbacks hampering our attacking options, he gets a
dose of Angeball and defies his winter flu booster to
test their keeper with a lashed strike.
Then miraculously staggers his zimmer right into their
six yard box, unnoticed and gets on the end of Reo's
marvellous cut; took a wee touch to steady himself,
grasped the handrail and tucked it away.
Old-school timing from a venerable squad player just
this week talking about rotation and contribution.
HAKUNA HATATE - 8.5/10 MOTM
Footloose #1
'Rest him, Ange, he's suffering from burnout' some
total idiots demanded of the boss this week. Luckily,
Ange pays no heed to those interweb lunatics and their
ill-informed ramblings, and knows just how much he
can get out of Andres Iniesta's favourite Japanese
midfielder.
What he got today was a match-winning supershow of
endeavour, intensity, and fantastic guile; the speed
of mind and feet to make the equaliser, the weight of
cushioned wall-pass to tee up the intricate winner...
That Japan squad must be laden with World cup winning
talent. Or their manager's a clown. Kyogo errs to the
later. And Reo must agree.
Now rest him, Ange...
LORD KATSUMOTO - 5.5/10
Of course he was going to start after the Motherwell
winner. And of course it wasn't going to go his way due
to lack of space and energetic brawn playing a low block
to stifle his pace.
A few nice touches and always the 100% to the cause, but
fluffed his lines on the sparse occassions he did get
loose.
Personally, just happy to see him get through unscathed
and go live out his Qatar dream. Sayonara, Daizen.
(that's Japansese for 'Fuck the Huns', didn't you know...)
KILLER MUSHROOM - 6/10
Damn, it's that Kyogo - the one who keeps popping up
in all the right places with a smile and a... miss.
Eye not in again - seems an intermittent trait this season
as he revolves around the starting role. Should/could have
had a double first half and sucked the drama from it all.
Then again, maybe that was his cunning plan...
HACKY SACK - 7.5/10
Footloose #2
Just sumptuous. That adjective agian, and those feet again,
- cultured football cuisine, a finish to a battery of one-twos
that was like the crème fraiche on top a lobster frittata.
Tragically, we still don't service him enough, but hopefully
that will come, and as his fitness peaks in the New Year so
too will the frequency with which players' seek out his
wizardry.
SUBS -
STAR LORD - 6.5/10
'But I am sunbathing...'
Tapless like the Green Brigade, Star Lord provided the
afternoon comedy after the lunchtime Paisley Pandemonium
Revue had warmed up the audience.
Fastest we've seen him run in some time as he sprinted down
the tunnel to buy a jersey from the Superstore and get on
to replace Jenz.
Thought there were some classic antics ahoy, but he settled
and got himself well into the rhythm, solid and competent.
SON OF JACKIE - 6/10
Spitting mad and spitting blood. Defied by a great save,
flunked a header and chewed an arm. Expect the big fella to
start next competitive game and get his just rewards in front
of goal.
NOTEBOOK - 6/10
No need for a surprise showstopping cameo - this was acapella
Jota, prancing around, occupying them and keeping up the threat
level.
ABADASS - 6/10
Ah, so close to a Dundee United imitation as he played his way
through them beautifully and just failed - well, shat it - to
pop in the cherry on the cake.
GREGGS THE BAKER - N/A
Sprinted on, spun about, yelled convincingly. A kick? Don't
remember.
ANITA DOBSON - 8/10
That's what he wanted - one last effort to get it over the line;
some record run of results or whatever; but just close into the
break with rampant statistics and a monumental lead towards
next year's CL qualification.
Guns stuck to. Squad rotated. Chances given, calls made, points
won. Job done. Rest and reboot.
Now he can go Surfing In A Winter Wonderland, as they do in
The Upside-Down, with a buzz of forthcoming glory tantalising
his every waking moment.
Returning home in triumph to be inducted into the Aussie Hall Of
Fame then back to Glasgow to be hailed a king; Not a bad year,
mayte.
MIBBERY - 8/10
What a little pestilence we were presented with today.
Another shiny, scurrilous Hun with a whistle, cringingly
attempting to derail the Green Machine.
Gave the non-penalty off his own instinct - i.e
bitterness mixed with euphoria - and merely used VAR
to edge to the brink of ruining his shorts.
Refusal of two pens of our own, for mild offences we've
also suffered from, just about closes the file on the use
of VAR in Scotland - basically a handicap for the Tims.
Ludge VAR strikes once more.
EVERY match now we can expect something disallowed or
something given that defies the rules and integrity
of the game.
The fanfare around this new toy of theirs has emboldened
them so much they are re-writing the rules of football
as they go along - like today's numerous abberations; of
course, none in the Hoops' favour.
Yet, ultimately - AGAIN - these servile mendacious
scumbags end up crumpled in their changing rooms
with appropriately blue balls as Celtic Park celebrates;
Ra Peepil weeping as they listen to The People sing.
Get. It. Right. Fucking. Roon. Ye.
OVERALL - 8/10
Ye cannae take the Sellic!
I worried about this half-season finale given our burnout
and Coonty's form. Stoical resistance and priapic MIBs
contrived to bring about a brow-beaten hour below the
glowering skies.
So what is the hope when it's obviously falling away?
Character. And faith:
- The fortitude of these bhoys to refuse to be bettered by
anyone, on or off the pitch, competitive opponent or
gutless, conniving MIB and their Spectrum 48ks.
- The belief of these bhoys in the system they play to
bring the goals to win the day.
Even if we couldn't pitch in a cross to save our lives,
they found a way to win with two beautiful strikes. The
Celtic way, you might say, now required more than it
ever was.
As the Pussies Of Paisley maintain the dignified and hilarious
modern Hun tradition (because they're only ten years old remember...)
of still being unable to win despite being given freebies,
Ange's Bhoys rock up and fire in like the Rolling Stones
into American groupies during 1972's Stones Touring Party;
the relentless focussed intensity is exhilarating to witness and
by the joy expressed by the players, exhilarating to be part of.
Nine points clear and a million goals to the good.
Australia here we come!
Many thanks for the comments, the criticisms and the
contention to date this season - we're all Tims and loving
every frantic moment of it.
See you Wednesday 20-somethingth December when
Davy And The Escobars come to town for part 2's
curtain-raiser.
Enjoy the fruadulent World Cup. Regardless, panini and
Guinness will make some bucks off me (NINE pints a
game ratio now, ffs...).
And a Xmas wish for wee Messi to emulate D10S and win
the big one on his lonesome as England melt like a defrosted
box of Nobbly Bobblys.
Go Away Now
Sandman
"Give Celtic that penalty, HAL."
'I'm sorry Dave, I can't do that.'
"You're working just fine, HAL..."
'Thank you, Dave. I have a feeling
I'll be a lot more involved in matches
now.'
- deleted scene from 2001: A Space Odyssey
ROXIE - 7/10
The footwork of a veteran showgirl. Deft and
accurate and no-nonsense when required.
One smart save to make, no chance with their
pen, extra point for giving the wee degenerate
with the whistle a mouthful at full-time.
TONY THE TIGER - 7/10
The Ralstonado in full flight. Too full - made an
arse of every delivery, that set the tone for the
rest of our attempts.
But... Even if that side of his game let him down,
the ferocious and combative Tiger bared his teeth
to hem them back and defend like a magnificent
bastard when they charged forward through tired
limbs at the death.
BIG MERCEDES - N/A
"Look at me, look at me - I am an ethereal being
conjoured from the astral plane as I float around
this dressing room, bestowing virtue upon you all..."
'Sit doon, Moritz, ya daft cunt, ye're concussed.'
GET CARTER - 7.5/10
Harry Kane, thy will be done. Gearing up for smashing
the EPL fannies with a rough and ready joust against
Heelan' berserkers.
Won everything, thundered forward when he could,
drove us at them through fatigue. 'Mon the USA!
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA - 7/10
Well, this kid looks game, and like he has game.
Memories of '86 in the Azteca when he ran 70 yards
with the ball to turn defence into attack.
Played the inverted nipple role perfectly - turning
up like a Latin Bobby Lennox in the inside-left position
more than left back. Great feet, and touch - exciting
prospect.
THE BUILDER - 7.5/10
Matty the monster. Quiet promising baller from MK Dons
turns into CM dominant beast in under a year.
Watch him fire up the Bhoys off the ball.
Watch him win digging tackles in crucial areas.
Watch the feet and passing ability, like Tiger Woods
punching a nine-iron.
So far, every game he's deputised for Calmac has been a
game we've hardly noticed the Main Mhan was missing.
No better compliment. What a player, what a find.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 6.5/10
Daft old bastard. Just as I was bemoaning his hesitant
checkbacks hampering our attacking options, he gets a
dose of Angeball and defies his winter flu booster to
test their keeper with a lashed strike.
Then miraculously staggers his zimmer right into their
six yard box, unnoticed and gets on the end of Reo's
marvellous cut; took a wee touch to steady himself,
grasped the handrail and tucked it away.
Old-school timing from a venerable squad player just
this week talking about rotation and contribution.
HAKUNA HATATE - 8.5/10 MOTM
Footloose #1
'Rest him, Ange, he's suffering from burnout' some
total idiots demanded of the boss this week. Luckily,
Ange pays no heed to those interweb lunatics and their
ill-informed ramblings, and knows just how much he
can get out of Andres Iniesta's favourite Japanese
midfielder.
What he got today was a match-winning supershow of
endeavour, intensity, and fantastic guile; the speed
of mind and feet to make the equaliser, the weight of
cushioned wall-pass to tee up the intricate winner...
That Japan squad must be laden with World cup winning
talent. Or their manager's a clown. Kyogo errs to the
later. And Reo must agree.
Now rest him, Ange...
LORD KATSUMOTO - 5.5/10
Of course he was going to start after the Motherwell
winner. And of course it wasn't going to go his way due
to lack of space and energetic brawn playing a low block
to stifle his pace.
A few nice touches and always the 100% to the cause, but
fluffed his lines on the sparse occassions he did get
loose.
Personally, just happy to see him get through unscathed
and go live out his Qatar dream. Sayonara, Daizen.
(that's Japansese for 'Fuck the Huns', didn't you know...)
KILLER MUSHROOM - 6/10
Damn, it's that Kyogo - the one who keeps popping up
in all the right places with a smile and a... miss.
Eye not in again - seems an intermittent trait this season
as he revolves around the starting role. Should/could have
had a double first half and sucked the drama from it all.
Then again, maybe that was his cunning plan...
HACKY SACK - 7.5/10
Footloose #2
Just sumptuous. That adjective agian, and those feet again,
- cultured football cuisine, a finish to a battery of one-twos
that was like the crème fraiche on top a lobster frittata.
Tragically, we still don't service him enough, but hopefully
that will come, and as his fitness peaks in the New Year so
too will the frequency with which players' seek out his
wizardry.
SUBS -
STAR LORD - 6.5/10
'But I am sunbathing...'
Tapless like the Green Brigade, Star Lord provided the
afternoon comedy after the lunchtime Paisley Pandemonium
Revue had warmed up the audience.
Fastest we've seen him run in some time as he sprinted down
the tunnel to buy a jersey from the Superstore and get on
to replace Jenz.
Thought there were some classic antics ahoy, but he settled
and got himself well into the rhythm, solid and competent.
SON OF JACKIE - 6/10
Spitting mad and spitting blood. Defied by a great save,
flunked a header and chewed an arm. Expect the big fella to
start next competitive game and get his just rewards in front
of goal.
NOTEBOOK - 6/10
No need for a surprise showstopping cameo - this was acapella
Jota, prancing around, occupying them and keeping up the threat
level.
ABADASS - 6/10
Ah, so close to a Dundee United imitation as he played his way
through them beautifully and just failed - well, shat it - to
pop in the cherry on the cake.
GREGGS THE BAKER - N/A
Sprinted on, spun about, yelled convincingly. A kick? Don't
remember.
ANITA DOBSON - 8/10
That's what he wanted - one last effort to get it over the line;
some record run of results or whatever; but just close into the
break with rampant statistics and a monumental lead towards
next year's CL qualification.
Guns stuck to. Squad rotated. Chances given, calls made, points
won. Job done. Rest and reboot.
Now he can go Surfing In A Winter Wonderland, as they do in
The Upside-Down, with a buzz of forthcoming glory tantalising
his every waking moment.
Returning home in triumph to be inducted into the Aussie Hall Of
Fame then back to Glasgow to be hailed a king; Not a bad year,
mayte.
MIBBERY - 8/10
What a little pestilence we were presented with today.
Another shiny, scurrilous Hun with a whistle, cringingly
attempting to derail the Green Machine.
Gave the non-penalty off his own instinct - i.e
bitterness mixed with euphoria - and merely used VAR
to edge to the brink of ruining his shorts.
Refusal of two pens of our own, for mild offences we've
also suffered from, just about closes the file on the use
of VAR in Scotland - basically a handicap for the Tims.
Ludge VAR strikes once more.
EVERY match now we can expect something disallowed or
something given that defies the rules and integrity
of the game.
The fanfare around this new toy of theirs has emboldened
them so much they are re-writing the rules of football
as they go along - like today's numerous abberations; of
course, none in the Hoops' favour.
Yet, ultimately - AGAIN - these servile mendacious
scumbags end up crumpled in their changing rooms
with appropriately blue balls as Celtic Park celebrates;
Ra Peepil weeping as they listen to The People sing.
Get. It. Right. Fucking. Roon. Ye.
OVERALL - 8/10
Ye cannae take the Sellic!
I worried about this half-season finale given our burnout
and Coonty's form. Stoical resistance and priapic MIBs
contrived to bring about a brow-beaten hour below the
glowering skies.
So what is the hope when it's obviously falling away?
Character. And faith:
- The fortitude of these bhoys to refuse to be bettered by
anyone, on or off the pitch, competitive opponent or
gutless, conniving MIB and their Spectrum 48ks.
- The belief of these bhoys in the system they play to
bring the goals to win the day.
Even if we couldn't pitch in a cross to save our lives,
they found a way to win with two beautiful strikes. The
Celtic way, you might say, now required more than it
ever was.
As the Pussies Of Paisley maintain the dignified and hilarious
modern Hun tradition (because they're only ten years old remember...)
of still being unable to win despite being given freebies,
Ange's Bhoys rock up and fire in like the Rolling Stones
into American groupies during 1972's Stones Touring Party;
the relentless focussed intensity is exhilarating to witness and
by the joy expressed by the players, exhilarating to be part of.
Nine points clear and a million goals to the good.
Australia here we come!
Many thanks for the comments, the criticisms and the
contention to date this season - we're all Tims and loving
every frantic moment of it.
See you Wednesday 20-somethingth December when
Davy And The Escobars come to town for part 2's
curtain-raiser.
Enjoy the fruadulent World Cup. Regardless, panini and
Guinness will make some bucks off me (NINE pints a
game ratio now, ffs...).
And a Xmas wish for wee Messi to emulate D10S and win
the big one on his lonesome as England melt like a defrosted
box of Nobbly Bobblys.
Go Away Now
Sandman
.
