Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ FRED WEST'S PATIO
"Usually, people who come to Holland to get ridden would
go to the Amsterdam Red light area. Not so, these 'Huns'
- they preferred Eindhoven for a good pegging as their
Champions League dreams disappeared, like tears in rain."
- Rutger Hauer (also deceased).
ROXIE - 8/10
The blades were blunted. Knives out for big bad Joe all
summer, but he's made of Kevlar. Thwarted all of their
latest antichrists in turn - Fruitcake Desserts, Lameass,
Danni Minogue, and Pish Spice.
A clean sheet on the day the roof might have caved in -
and will, literally, at the Hate Pit soon enough - and
the Twatterati can lay off our monolith of a number one;
ten million bucks saved.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 7/10
A solid and quality offering from a bhoy not fazed one
bit by swathes of screeching demonic entities. Strong,
purposeful and calm - provided a major paradigm for the
makeshift backline to replicate.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 5.5/10
Couldn't do anything right, not even take a shy properly.
Ramping up the angst on today of all days, but he was 100%
at it despite his traitorous feet refusing to ping a decent
pass or get his positioning right.
LAGERTHA - 6/10
LagerDWELLkie - clear foul, until the Huns get the age-old
rules changed to allow man-before-ball contact - but a
lesson he didn't learn properly as she was mugged in the
second half too.
Yet, she stood up to the sheer ugliness all around, got her
focus spot-on and felt her way around the congestion to get
the telling moments right when the heat was on. Viking
shield-maiden resilience.
OF JUSTICE - 8.5/10 MOTM
Let's hear it for the bhoy. You read his name on the team
sheet as 'Fuck's Sake', but the name they'll be toasting
tonight is Liam 'Skelper Scales.
The last man anyone hoped would be thrown into this menagerie
of the damned became the last man standing as the blue-arsed
fleas swarmed relentlessly around our box for a good half
hour.
He was ginger Ash v The Army of Darkness and his boots were
his chainsaws; repelled and held, positioning and timing as
precise as you can hope for in the fury of such matches.
Sometimes these fixtures throw up unlikely heroes - Sammy,
Paddy - and today the fall guy became the tall guy.
Marvellous.
CALMAC - 8/10
What a fucking footballer the skipper is and amazingly
the Huns gave him time and space and free reign to boss
the first half and almost put the game out of sight.
Control, control, control - he exerted it, the bhoys
followed the lead and dem Huns dey got a lesson.
We should learn a lesson too - protect Calmac, give him
opportunity, and we're a totally different proposition.
THE BUILDER - 7.5/10
Everywhere he needed to be. Covered a hell of a lot of...
well, Hell... Set up the winner and managed to add in
his own footballing nous when the moments came.
Second period was all about fortitude and steel, and
since his first encounter with evil back in Feb 22 that's
the one thing that's belied his placid demeanour and
enhanced his silky skills - the kid can dig.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 5/10
Well, there's always one... He did use his zimmer to
provide a few obstacles in the middle but those ancient
legs didn't have the sprightliness to free space to create
anything. He remained a presence without bite until hooked.
As was kind of forewarned. But the Shnake will persist,
sigh...
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6.5/10
Roamin' in the gloamin'... And rustlin' up those Huns.
Daizen knows the score when it comes to these clashes
and that tireless foraging for scraps infuriates the
zombies and their agitated monkey hordes.
Electric pace was utilised more as defensive endeavour
but when released, he terrified them. Daizen did produce
a classic Daizen moment when he chose to try and smash
some gurning mingers in the face in the Occupied Broomloan
with a cross rather than kill the game off.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 8/10
What to do about Kyogo? Wee mhan getting gallus and trying
to score a double-pointer early on with a fancy - that's
what happens when you let him play 'Heiders & Volleys'
with Tony Ralston at training.
But after that it became a game of 'Wembley' and first
goal wins. Goldshun's huge arse played a major part as
Kyogo used it brilliantly, applying Japanese innovantion -
after being denied by it blocking him on the line, he
then lurked in its shadow, unseen, to pounce on Matty's
header through and the finish was school playground glory.
ABADASS - 6/10
In flashes, he scampered and put a flutter in their
black hearts - should have set up the opener after
latching onto Clamac's glorious inside pass and
producing a perfect cutback. May also have finished
the tie had Butman not got a hand to his strike.
Overall; useful.
SUBS -
THE ALLFATHER - 6.5/10
Composed and intent when he appeared, and gave us
more in the cameo than Eddie T managed all his time
on the park.
YING - 5.5/10
No fear, and bendy legs. Should have had a soft pen
just for yuks, but the VAR finally shat it.
OH BHOY - N/A
Got some time to crash around as Jurgen watched on
appalled with the medieval environment and general
primitive Britishness on show to revolt his cultured
Germanic sensibilities.
TONY THE TIGER - N/A
Completely offended by the obnoxious environs, Tony
came on and battered into every Hun he could see,
inluding sticking the heid into their DOABs: Dirty
Orange Advertising Boards. Easy, Tiger...
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA - N/A
No problems with coping in the intensity of the final
minutes. Kept his cool and nice and deliberate with
every involvement despite being double-teamed more than
Lana Wolf.
THE SHNAKE - 7.5/10
Don't do it, Buck Rodgers, don't... But he did.
That teamsheet nearly brought a few breakfasts back up
and it looked like an exercise in immolation.
Yet, by dint of fortune or sagacity it became a lesson
in faith and reward. Somehow, those selected bhoys got
through a torrid time and came away with a win and
no conscession whatsoever. Except for two moments of
schadefreude as the rules ruined their wicked schemes...
Some say he's a lucky, some talk about levels of
game knowledge, man-management, and tactical nous.
But he's the most-winningest of Celtic managers in
this fixture so I'd say today was a mix of all, and
talk of executions are adjourned in favour of celebration;
both the result and the manager's stroke of serendipity.
MIBBERY - Flabbergasted/10
They actually did it - applied the rules correctly under
the most extreme pressure. Of course it was a foul, but
the mountains of fervant orcs had alreayd started mounting
each other by the time the VAR swalloed hard and summoned
the Don to the monitor.
Would he have the bottle to apply the obvious? Jings, yes.
And then a feather hit me and put me in A&E.
OVERALL - 8.5/10
What a beautiful Sunday; the after-match air always sweeter
when the circumstances are difficult and the outcome
unexpected.
The state of us going into this, the uncertainty, the discord
and general malaise that has acompanied the past fortnight -
NEVER will the Huns have a better chance at early-season glory.
Yet here they are, stuck with another unwanted imaginary
trophy according to Mr.Mole - the 'Better Chances Created On
The Day' Cup, apparently. We could also give them the
'Obviously As Expected' Shield to add to their metaphysical
trophy room but there's probably no space left beside
Schrodinger's Bike.
Once our bhoys enetered their Baptism Of Filth and took 15
minutes to get over the fucking stench, we looked strong and
focussed.
Played our best football of the season in the half hour
before the break, dominating the midfield, crowning it with
that injury time screamer winner.
Second-half we conceded too much ground, invited them on
more than they deserved as Calmac waned and was crowded out.
But that's where the enlightening moments of the day came to
the fore as the backup defence overcame their much-vaunted
'glittering' frontline.
All that glitters is not gold, dear Huns - mostly it's
silverware, and you'll find it in the Parkheid trophy
cabinets. Where it belongs. Where it stays.
Tar ar la tagtha. Again.
Riiiight Roon yeez.
Go Away Now
Sandman
"Usually, people who come to Holland to get ridden would
go to the Amsterdam Red light area. Not so, these 'Huns'
- they preferred Eindhoven for a good pegging as their
Champions League dreams disappeared, like tears in rain."
- Rutger Hauer (also deceased).
ROXIE - 8/10
The blades were blunted. Knives out for big bad Joe all
summer, but he's made of Kevlar. Thwarted all of their
latest antichrists in turn - Fruitcake Desserts, Lameass,
Danni Minogue, and Pish Spice.
A clean sheet on the day the roof might have caved in -
and will, literally, at the Hate Pit soon enough - and
the Twatterati can lay off our monolith of a number one;
ten million bucks saved.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 7/10
A solid and quality offering from a bhoy not fazed one
bit by swathes of screeching demonic entities. Strong,
purposeful and calm - provided a major paradigm for the
makeshift backline to replicate.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 5.5/10
Couldn't do anything right, not even take a shy properly.
Ramping up the angst on today of all days, but he was 100%
at it despite his traitorous feet refusing to ping a decent
pass or get his positioning right.
LAGERTHA - 6/10
LagerDWELLkie - clear foul, until the Huns get the age-old
rules changed to allow man-before-ball contact - but a
lesson he didn't learn properly as she was mugged in the
second half too.
Yet, she stood up to the sheer ugliness all around, got her
focus spot-on and felt her way around the congestion to get
the telling moments right when the heat was on. Viking
shield-maiden resilience.
OF JUSTICE - 8.5/10 MOTM
Let's hear it for the bhoy. You read his name on the team
sheet as 'Fuck's Sake', but the name they'll be toasting
tonight is Liam 'Skelper Scales.
The last man anyone hoped would be thrown into this menagerie
of the damned became the last man standing as the blue-arsed
fleas swarmed relentlessly around our box for a good half
hour.
He was ginger Ash v The Army of Darkness and his boots were
his chainsaws; repelled and held, positioning and timing as
precise as you can hope for in the fury of such matches.
Sometimes these fixtures throw up unlikely heroes - Sammy,
Paddy - and today the fall guy became the tall guy.
Marvellous.
CALMAC - 8/10
What a fucking footballer the skipper is and amazingly
the Huns gave him time and space and free reign to boss
the first half and almost put the game out of sight.
Control, control, control - he exerted it, the bhoys
followed the lead and dem Huns dey got a lesson.
We should learn a lesson too - protect Calmac, give him
opportunity, and we're a totally different proposition.
THE BUILDER - 7.5/10
Everywhere he needed to be. Covered a hell of a lot of...
well, Hell... Set up the winner and managed to add in
his own footballing nous when the moments came.
Second period was all about fortitude and steel, and
since his first encounter with evil back in Feb 22 that's
the one thing that's belied his placid demeanour and
enhanced his silky skills - the kid can dig.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 5/10
Well, there's always one... He did use his zimmer to
provide a few obstacles in the middle but those ancient
legs didn't have the sprightliness to free space to create
anything. He remained a presence without bite until hooked.
As was kind of forewarned. But the Shnake will persist,
sigh...
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6.5/10
Roamin' in the gloamin'... And rustlin' up those Huns.
Daizen knows the score when it comes to these clashes
and that tireless foraging for scraps infuriates the
zombies and their agitated monkey hordes.
Electric pace was utilised more as defensive endeavour
but when released, he terrified them. Daizen did produce
a classic Daizen moment when he chose to try and smash
some gurning mingers in the face in the Occupied Broomloan
with a cross rather than kill the game off.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 8/10
What to do about Kyogo? Wee mhan getting gallus and trying
to score a double-pointer early on with a fancy - that's
what happens when you let him play 'Heiders & Volleys'
with Tony Ralston at training.
But after that it became a game of 'Wembley' and first
goal wins. Goldshun's huge arse played a major part as
Kyogo used it brilliantly, applying Japanese innovantion -
after being denied by it blocking him on the line, he
then lurked in its shadow, unseen, to pounce on Matty's
header through and the finish was school playground glory.
ABADASS - 6/10
In flashes, he scampered and put a flutter in their
black hearts - should have set up the opener after
latching onto Clamac's glorious inside pass and
producing a perfect cutback. May also have finished
the tie had Butman not got a hand to his strike.
Overall; useful.
SUBS -
THE ALLFATHER - 6.5/10
Composed and intent when he appeared, and gave us
more in the cameo than Eddie T managed all his time
on the park.
YING - 5.5/10
No fear, and bendy legs. Should have had a soft pen
just for yuks, but the VAR finally shat it.
OH BHOY - N/A
Got some time to crash around as Jurgen watched on
appalled with the medieval environment and general
primitive Britishness on show to revolt his cultured
Germanic sensibilities.
TONY THE TIGER - N/A
Completely offended by the obnoxious environs, Tony
came on and battered into every Hun he could see,
inluding sticking the heid into their DOABs: Dirty
Orange Advertising Boards. Easy, Tiger...
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA - N/A
No problems with coping in the intensity of the final
minutes. Kept his cool and nice and deliberate with
every involvement despite being double-teamed more than
Lana Wolf.
THE SHNAKE - 7.5/10
Don't do it, Buck Rodgers, don't... But he did.
That teamsheet nearly brought a few breakfasts back up
and it looked like an exercise in immolation.
Yet, by dint of fortune or sagacity it became a lesson
in faith and reward. Somehow, those selected bhoys got
through a torrid time and came away with a win and
no conscession whatsoever. Except for two moments of
schadefreude as the rules ruined their wicked schemes...
Some say he's a lucky, some talk about levels of
game knowledge, man-management, and tactical nous.
But he's the most-winningest of Celtic managers in
this fixture so I'd say today was a mix of all, and
talk of executions are adjourned in favour of celebration;
both the result and the manager's stroke of serendipity.
MIBBERY - Flabbergasted/10
They actually did it - applied the rules correctly under
the most extreme pressure. Of course it was a foul, but
the mountains of fervant orcs had alreayd started mounting
each other by the time the VAR swalloed hard and summoned
the Don to the monitor.
Would he have the bottle to apply the obvious? Jings, yes.
And then a feather hit me and put me in A&E.
OVERALL - 8.5/10
What a beautiful Sunday; the after-match air always sweeter
when the circumstances are difficult and the outcome
unexpected.
The state of us going into this, the uncertainty, the discord
and general malaise that has acompanied the past fortnight -
NEVER will the Huns have a better chance at early-season glory.
Yet here they are, stuck with another unwanted imaginary
trophy according to Mr.Mole - the 'Better Chances Created On
The Day' Cup, apparently. We could also give them the
'Obviously As Expected' Shield to add to their metaphysical
trophy room but there's probably no space left beside
Schrodinger's Bike.
Once our bhoys enetered their Baptism Of Filth and took 15
minutes to get over the fucking stench, we looked strong and
focussed.
Played our best football of the season in the half hour
before the break, dominating the midfield, crowning it with
that injury time screamer winner.
Second-half we conceded too much ground, invited them on
more than they deserved as Calmac waned and was crowded out.
But that's where the enlightening moments of the day came to
the fore as the backup defence overcame their much-vaunted
'glittering' frontline.
All that glitters is not gold, dear Huns - mostly it's
silverware, and you'll find it in the Parkheid trophy
cabinets. Where it belongs. Where it stays.
Tar ar la tagtha. Again.
Riiiight Roon yeez.
Go Away Now
Sandman
now rest the rest of the Victors the vanquished will gtf
Slàinte 
