Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ GOMORRAH
“Whoever enters an athletic competition wins the prize
only when playing by the rules. That's the Huns oot,
then.”
- St.Paul's Second Letter to The Tims; Bible: 2 Timothy 2:5
ROXIE - 7.5/10
If we'd bought him for 10 million bucks, the Lev Yashin Society
that's sprung up in the support, berating the big guy all season,
would tonight be stamping out wee limited-edition pin badges
of him for each other to wear on their Alan Partridge blazers.
As we faced more corners than Ayrton Senna, Joe dealt with them
better, defying St.Boo with a barrage of splendid punches out of
the Henry Cooper school of English goalkeeping; Then got down like
James Brown to pull off a classic anticipation stop from a stunning
overhead by the Kurgan out of Highlander.
Masterclasses of old-school, cup-tie goalkeeping in Paisley on a
Sunday afternoon? Mine's a Bacardi. (See what I did there, fans of
John Gordon Sinclair movie theatre nostalgic ads?)
TONY THE TIGER - 6.5/10
How solid is Tony? Brickie solid. The shift was put in, the
tireless shuttles up and down the wing, the filthy-good low
sweep of a ball for Idaho to kill the game... But didnae...
The tiger showed his stripes and it was salutes to Sergeant
Ralston of the Republican Army*.
*Dominican; calm doon interloping Hun scum.
He likes a wee holiday there.
OF JUSTICE - 5.5/10
Jeez, Liam's gotten a bit shaky these days, and nobody's dancing
to cheesy rock 'n' roll. Seemed a little perturbed about their
intentions to attack and rattle his comfort zone; got his act together
regards interceptions and positional sense after a torrid half hour,
but his distribution remained sketchy and a weak point to our
attempts to play through their press.
RAQUEL - 8/10 MOTM
A couple of defensive headers of true grit and a goal-saving block
were the highlights of a Raquel performance that added extra
glamour with his composed footwork.
This was a proper test for the reinvogorated youngster (yes, he's
still pretty much a youth even though it feels like we've seen more
of him than our own weans...).
They threw a lot of physicality at us and that's always been a poser
regards Welshy's ability to cope and still exert footballing class.
No question marks hidden in the camo tap today - he faced and won
the battles and kept his head in the intensity when decent play out
from the back was required. Best game he's had - among the few - since
Leipzig away last season. Looked like a worthy Celtic centre-back
today.
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA - 6/10
It's football, Jim, but not as he knows it; A pitch like the
Argentine Pampas, thundering hooved opponents bearing down on
him, and stands of inbred toothless schemies baying for his blood.
But for the second tricky away game the wee fella simply played;
his defensive ability is overshadowed by the footballing ability
and that's the crux of the Diego dilemma - the balance of how
much of each we require in the SPL. In Europe, a defender, in
Scotland, this creative force surging around the left side. There's
life in his Celtic career yet.
CALMAC - 6.5/10
That woke ye up, didn't it? - that pass for the first goal was a
real hangover cure; vision and electrifying creativity in one
lightbulb movement which opened up them, the game, and Calmac's
box of tricks that has seemed closed for business too often this
season in his deep role.
In a two-man midfield he asserted himeslf as well as he could,
making the most of our unusually scarce possession periods to
conduct the brief reprises of the Celtic symphony.
THE BUILDER - 6.5/10
Come in from the cold, son, won't ye? Young pseudo-viking got his
groove back for lengthy spells when he managed to get on the ball
and try to conjure some magic. Ghosted in to smash the bar at the
second goal and, while his touch was still off, it was good to see
him constantly in and around play to impose and offer options.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 6.5/10
Snap! A defiant strike once more from our deposed hunter-killer,
darting in with a perfectly timed burst of pace to poke the opener.
Thereafter, I still got a teeth-grinding sense of angst whenever he
was deep-lying to get on the ball, watching bespoke Kyogo chances
squandered ahead.
BRIAN DE - 6/10
For an annoyingly unpredictable, some would say mercurial, talent,
the frustration he elicits was set-off nicely by the undeniable
stat of his critical involvement in both goals - intelligent spot
for Kyogo to run onto and cross of the day resulting in Daizen's
wonder-strike.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6/10
Daizen's not happy; it's Chinese New Year and he's pissed at folk
shouting best wishes to him; have they not fucking seen The Last
Samurai?
He charged around with his usual fantastic committment, but that
non-celebration of his goal will be regarded as indicative of
underlying issues by some, perhaps.
But it was merely stupefication and bewildement that something
he'd kicked during the game hadn't induced emergency reponse
procedures from nearby Glasgow Airport Air Traffic Control;
Daizen's crosses kept setting off their Kenny Miller Orbital
Scanner...
DUNCAN IDAHO - 5.5/10
Not much fun being the lone striker in this Celtic set-up, is
it? All graft and scant reward as opportunities mostly fell
second-ball to support runners. However, the big bhoy did manage
to carve one out for himself with good feet but then missed a
golden calf of a chance laid on by Tony; in fairness he did try
the right thing - guide the ball back against the direction of
travel but was a clumsy foot out with the execution.
SUBS -
YING - 5.5/10
I run. And run. And run. And he did, run. And if he'd known Korean
for 'fucking heid up!' he could have ended a lovely slalom by
laying on a third. Still, no shortage of will to, eh, run, at them.
OH BHOY - N/A
He's back! And five stone heavier from the Asian Cup home
cooking.
SAINT BERNARDO - 5.5/10
Useful presence for the last 20 to hustle them, pin them in
and offer extra options to the midfield duo.
TAKINTE - N/A
Leith, and now Paisley. Only here a month, and the bhoy's a
nervous wreck.
THE SHNAKE - 6.5/10
A shnake-up, and we get a 4-2-1-3, or something like it.
And he gets lucky as the defence plays a blinder and they
fail to score from more set pieces than Gary fucking Kasparov's
seen.
A flexible system he claimed, but the jury should be out on
that one and take the evidence into account - never tried it
before depsite the majority of a season of Kyogo struggling
alone up front; means we relinquish possession due to lightweight
midfield, results in almost illegal volumes of press being
applied directly onto the back four.
But a win's a win, and in the cup it's slightly more - a
confidence-building exercise in progression and motivation
as the silverware beckons. Now, man-manage that properly.
MIBBERY - 5/10
Had their VAR set up like end-of-term school video day - couple
of canteen chairs and the telly on a table. All that was missing
was a VHS player, a bored teacher and a dreary documentary about
the remains of a viking settlement somewhere in rainy East Anglia.
Bargain Cunt had the whistle and took plaudits early by booking
a Tim for a dive. The same sort of 'dive' that saw frenzied Hun
hacks claiming a Hibs pen for contact on Boyle midweek. Funny how
perspectives change...
Anyway, the Hoops never gave them cause for malfeasance with a
sparklingly disciplined second 45 that sent them home miserable.
The telly's now in a Feegie crackhoose, running illegal Amazon
firestick repeats of The Bannana Splits.
OVERALL - 7/10
I'll buy that for a dollar! A Robocop special as The Fuddies
were given 20 minutes to comply before the Hoops blew them
away.
Well, not exactly - they racked up corners like Fred West laying
patio slabs and we got to see how well the eternally makeshift
defence could cope.
Pretty well, it transpired, and by the time they ran out of steam
we'd - against the run of play you could say, and undetected due
to the high-camp camo strip - papped two in and more or less
deflated them like Kris Boyd sitting on a nail.
Not quite the match we expected - no dominant possession versus
a low block. But it was a cup tie and the locals, to their credit,
utilised the words of historically infamous Paisley warlord
Shuggy Tzu who decreed, "The best form of defence is to attack.
The polis." in his book, 'The Art Of Feegie War Seiges'.
A resilient Hoops won out and got through - and that was something
you wouldn't have been too ready to wager on given recent form.
So we'll take it and enjoy it and get serious for the rockin'
run-in that's upon us.
Go Away Now
Sandman
“Whoever enters an athletic competition wins the prize
only when playing by the rules. That's the Huns oot,
then.”
- St.Paul's Second Letter to The Tims; Bible: 2 Timothy 2:5
ROXIE - 7.5/10
If we'd bought him for 10 million bucks, the Lev Yashin Society
that's sprung up in the support, berating the big guy all season,
would tonight be stamping out wee limited-edition pin badges
of him for each other to wear on their Alan Partridge blazers.
As we faced more corners than Ayrton Senna, Joe dealt with them
better, defying St.Boo with a barrage of splendid punches out of
the Henry Cooper school of English goalkeeping; Then got down like
James Brown to pull off a classic anticipation stop from a stunning
overhead by the Kurgan out of Highlander.
Masterclasses of old-school, cup-tie goalkeeping in Paisley on a
Sunday afternoon? Mine's a Bacardi. (See what I did there, fans of
John Gordon Sinclair movie theatre nostalgic ads?)
TONY THE TIGER - 6.5/10
How solid is Tony? Brickie solid. The shift was put in, the
tireless shuttles up and down the wing, the filthy-good low
sweep of a ball for Idaho to kill the game... But didnae...
The tiger showed his stripes and it was salutes to Sergeant
Ralston of the Republican Army*.
*Dominican; calm doon interloping Hun scum.
He likes a wee holiday there.
OF JUSTICE - 5.5/10
Jeez, Liam's gotten a bit shaky these days, and nobody's dancing
to cheesy rock 'n' roll. Seemed a little perturbed about their
intentions to attack and rattle his comfort zone; got his act together
regards interceptions and positional sense after a torrid half hour,
but his distribution remained sketchy and a weak point to our
attempts to play through their press.
RAQUEL - 8/10 MOTM
A couple of defensive headers of true grit and a goal-saving block
were the highlights of a Raquel performance that added extra
glamour with his composed footwork.
This was a proper test for the reinvogorated youngster (yes, he's
still pretty much a youth even though it feels like we've seen more
of him than our own weans...).
They threw a lot of physicality at us and that's always been a poser
regards Welshy's ability to cope and still exert footballing class.
No question marks hidden in the camo tap today - he faced and won
the battles and kept his head in the intensity when decent play out
from the back was required. Best game he's had - among the few - since
Leipzig away last season. Looked like a worthy Celtic centre-back
today.
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA - 6/10
It's football, Jim, but not as he knows it; A pitch like the
Argentine Pampas, thundering hooved opponents bearing down on
him, and stands of inbred toothless schemies baying for his blood.
But for the second tricky away game the wee fella simply played;
his defensive ability is overshadowed by the footballing ability
and that's the crux of the Diego dilemma - the balance of how
much of each we require in the SPL. In Europe, a defender, in
Scotland, this creative force surging around the left side. There's
life in his Celtic career yet.
CALMAC - 6.5/10
That woke ye up, didn't it? - that pass for the first goal was a
real hangover cure; vision and electrifying creativity in one
lightbulb movement which opened up them, the game, and Calmac's
box of tricks that has seemed closed for business too often this
season in his deep role.
In a two-man midfield he asserted himeslf as well as he could,
making the most of our unusually scarce possession periods to
conduct the brief reprises of the Celtic symphony.
THE BUILDER - 6.5/10
Come in from the cold, son, won't ye? Young pseudo-viking got his
groove back for lengthy spells when he managed to get on the ball
and try to conjure some magic. Ghosted in to smash the bar at the
second goal and, while his touch was still off, it was good to see
him constantly in and around play to impose and offer options.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 6.5/10
Snap! A defiant strike once more from our deposed hunter-killer,
darting in with a perfectly timed burst of pace to poke the opener.
Thereafter, I still got a teeth-grinding sense of angst whenever he
was deep-lying to get on the ball, watching bespoke Kyogo chances
squandered ahead.
BRIAN DE - 6/10
For an annoyingly unpredictable, some would say mercurial, talent,
the frustration he elicits was set-off nicely by the undeniable
stat of his critical involvement in both goals - intelligent spot
for Kyogo to run onto and cross of the day resulting in Daizen's
wonder-strike.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6/10
Daizen's not happy; it's Chinese New Year and he's pissed at folk
shouting best wishes to him; have they not fucking seen The Last
Samurai?
He charged around with his usual fantastic committment, but that
non-celebration of his goal will be regarded as indicative of
underlying issues by some, perhaps.
But it was merely stupefication and bewildement that something
he'd kicked during the game hadn't induced emergency reponse
procedures from nearby Glasgow Airport Air Traffic Control;
Daizen's crosses kept setting off their Kenny Miller Orbital
Scanner...
DUNCAN IDAHO - 5.5/10
Not much fun being the lone striker in this Celtic set-up, is
it? All graft and scant reward as opportunities mostly fell
second-ball to support runners. However, the big bhoy did manage
to carve one out for himself with good feet but then missed a
golden calf of a chance laid on by Tony; in fairness he did try
the right thing - guide the ball back against the direction of
travel but was a clumsy foot out with the execution.
SUBS -
YING - 5.5/10
I run. And run. And run. And he did, run. And if he'd known Korean
for 'fucking heid up!' he could have ended a lovely slalom by
laying on a third. Still, no shortage of will to, eh, run, at them.
OH BHOY - N/A
He's back! And five stone heavier from the Asian Cup home
cooking.
SAINT BERNARDO - 5.5/10
Useful presence for the last 20 to hustle them, pin them in
and offer extra options to the midfield duo.
TAKINTE - N/A
Leith, and now Paisley. Only here a month, and the bhoy's a
nervous wreck.
THE SHNAKE - 6.5/10
A shnake-up, and we get a 4-2-1-3, or something like it.
And he gets lucky as the defence plays a blinder and they
fail to score from more set pieces than Gary fucking Kasparov's
seen.
A flexible system he claimed, but the jury should be out on
that one and take the evidence into account - never tried it
before depsite the majority of a season of Kyogo struggling
alone up front; means we relinquish possession due to lightweight
midfield, results in almost illegal volumes of press being
applied directly onto the back four.
But a win's a win, and in the cup it's slightly more - a
confidence-building exercise in progression and motivation
as the silverware beckons. Now, man-manage that properly.
MIBBERY - 5/10
Had their VAR set up like end-of-term school video day - couple
of canteen chairs and the telly on a table. All that was missing
was a VHS player, a bored teacher and a dreary documentary about
the remains of a viking settlement somewhere in rainy East Anglia.
Bargain Cunt had the whistle and took plaudits early by booking
a Tim for a dive. The same sort of 'dive' that saw frenzied Hun
hacks claiming a Hibs pen for contact on Boyle midweek. Funny how
perspectives change...
Anyway, the Hoops never gave them cause for malfeasance with a
sparklingly disciplined second 45 that sent them home miserable.
The telly's now in a Feegie crackhoose, running illegal Amazon
firestick repeats of The Bannana Splits.
OVERALL - 7/10
I'll buy that for a dollar! A Robocop special as The Fuddies
were given 20 minutes to comply before the Hoops blew them
away.
Well, not exactly - they racked up corners like Fred West laying
patio slabs and we got to see how well the eternally makeshift
defence could cope.
Pretty well, it transpired, and by the time they ran out of steam
we'd - against the run of play you could say, and undetected due
to the high-camp camo strip - papped two in and more or less
deflated them like Kris Boyd sitting on a nail.
Not quite the match we expected - no dominant possession versus
a low block. But it was a cup tie and the locals, to their credit,
utilised the words of historically infamous Paisley warlord
Shuggy Tzu who decreed, "The best form of defence is to attack.
The polis." in his book, 'The Art Of Feegie War Seiges'.
A resilient Hoops won out and got through - and that was something
you wouldn't have been too ready to wager on given recent form.
So we'll take it and enjoy it and get serious for the rockin'
run-in that's upon us.
Go Away Now
Sandman
